08x01 - Moving Day

[bunniefuu]

Douglas, when do you figure on getting to California?

Well, now we thought we'd get there on Sunday.

How about you?

Well, your furniture ought to be there
about the same time you are.

Well, that'll be fine.

You think the house is going to miss us?

Sure it'll miss us.

The minute we get out of sight, it's going to
break right down and start to cry out of all the fossils.

The neighbors will sell tickets to see the crying house.

I like to think the house is going to miss us, Charlie.

Look, are we going to California or are we going
to stand here waving bye-bye to a pile of lumber?

No, well, Charlie's right, fellas.

Let's, uh, let's all pile in.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, move it.

Boy, Dad.

Now, Chip, when they transferred me to
California, you fellas all thought it was

a great idea, so, uh, well, there's no turning back now.

I know.

Hey, you crying, Ernie?

I don't know.

I'm trying.

Chip just breathed on my glasses and they steamed up.

Got.

Him, huh?

That's a beautiful.

Look at that, huh?

Fantastic.

Look at it.

Boy!

Boy!

Looks even better than the pictures you
sent us before you bought it.

Yeah.

Let's take a look inside.

You got a key?

Here I have, Charlie.

Right in my hand.

Hey, we got some mail already.

Ah, looks like a telegram.

Let's see.

That's, uh, from the moving company.

It says the truck is still on the road but
ought to arrive here sometime this afternoon.

Well, that's fine.

Well, everybody into the new house.

Hey, come on.

Go ahead, Rob.

Well, how about this, huh?

Boy, it's really big.

I think it doesn't look big, Rob,
because it hasn't any furniture in here.

Gee, Dad, where are our rooms?

Well, you know, it's about the same as the old house.

Charlie's room is off the kitchen there,
and we're all upstairs.

Let's go take a look.

Yeah.

Well, Charlie, I hope we made a good move.

We didn't move to Siberia.

This is California, the land of milk and money.

Milk and honey, Charlie.

Well, I'm too old for the honeys.

I'll take the money.

Hey, there's a trap door upstairs, but if
you throw junk in, it shows up downstairs.

That's a laundry chute, Ernie.

It's big enough for me to get into.

Could I?

No.

I don't want anybody sliding down that laundry chute.

Okay.

Get tr*mp out of there, Chip.

Dad says no.

Hey, Dad, this is really great.

Really gonna be great.

You know, I think Uncle Charlie was right.

We kind of have to forget Bryant Park.

You know?

We'll make a whole new thing.

Hey, I don't want to scare anybody or
anything, but Ernie's turning kind of purple.

Turning purple?

Yeah, he got his head stuck in one of those windows
where he turned the handle, and the handle fell off.

Now, what are you fellas planning on doing today,
after you finish Uncle Charlie's finishing package?

Is it okay if me and Chip... What was that?

Oh, is it okay if Chip and I go look for movie stars?

We won't pester them for autographs or anything.

What?

We'll just stare at them.

What are you planning to do today, Ron?

Oh, I thought I'd go down to the campus
and just look around.

Look around for what?

As if I didn't know.

Uncle Charlie, you're gonna have to
readjust your thinking on me.

Well, I like girls, sure, but they aren't
the be-all and end-all of life.

I just want to meet a few new friends.

Then start on the folks next door.

I saw a few of them stirring around this morning.

Any girls?

I'll be able to tell you more after they
hang out their washing.

You think we ought to go over there and say hello, Dad?

Go now for a while.

Besides, I think it's the custom for the
old established people in the neighborhood

to welcome the new ones that come in, and
so they'll probably be around in a day or two.

Be sure you don't go over there and pester them.

Oh, we run down to the sea in chips.

Run down.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Nice day.

Yes, it is.

I'm sorry.

That was an accident.

Okay, you guys, just get the principal and
grades I put in the envelopes.

And Chip, you make sure that he's in the
schoolyard before you go to that high school of yours.

Okay, Uncle Charley.

Don't get in any fights.

And if you do, don't take anything from anybody.

Now, use good English and don't tell a bunch of lies.

Well, I think that's about all.

Oh, wait.

Here's your lunches.

I put a couple of first-day cookies in there.

Bye.

All right.

See you, Uncle Charley.

You all set for that college of yours?

Yeah.

I sure hope it's better than the rest of California.

See you, Uncle Charley.

Hi.

All right.

Two, three, four, let's see.

We just came out from the east yesterday.

Twelve, fifteen.

Three, seventy-three.

The weather out here is really something.

Is it like this all the time?

Seventy-seven.

Four, twenty-five.

Five, fifty.

Three, fifty-six.

All right.

That'll be forty-two, fifty.

Here.

And thanks for the nice, friendly little chat.

Your stamps.

Next, please.

I'll send all my friends here for
courteous, personal attention.

And I'll remember you in my will,
right after my worst enemy.

And I got further news for you.

I don't have to trade this place at any time from now on.

Go ahead.

When you get in the crosswalk, you're supposed to cross.

And get splattered all over the pavement
by jokers like you?

Not on your tin hat.

Will you move, knothead?

I haven't got all day.

Go on, honk your California sound, son.

Come on.

Not a soul.

The lady dragging at the Mark at the people next door.

Nobody so much as opened up their trap to say hello.

And that girl over there, she just stared when I said hi.

And so did her brother, whoever he is.

And we didn't see one movie star.

No, I wouldn't say the people next door
are exactly friendly.

But this is a big city, and I suppose people are a
little more standoffish until they get to know you.

Well, I'm not enchanted with California so far.

If that's the way they want it, then don't any
of you guys break down and talk to them first.

Oh, no, Rob.

That's a little childish, don't you think?

Well, they don't call things like that
childish anymore, Dad.

It's called rejection compensation.

I don't care what you call it.

Don't any of you guys talk to them crumbs next door.

Charlie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't any of you guys talk to those crumbs next door.

Steve, I'm going to hit the sack.

I've been knocking my brains out trying to
make this joint into a house.

Steve, are you asleep?

No, no, no, Charlie.

I was just resting my eyes.

Good night.

Good night, Charlie.

Steve, I know this has been kind of a rotten day for
all of us, but that's the way it always is in the Newport.

But tomorrow, the boys will be meeting new
friends in their new school, and everything will be great.

I know.

Sure.

No point mooning all over the joint.

So put Bryant Park and that old house out of your mind.

Right, Charlie.

Good night.

Yeah, yeah.

And don't forget, Ernie, when things get
rough, you always have a friend you can pray to.

Oh, I already did that.

Oh, you did?

I prayed for you to come in here.

Well, you know, Ernie, that's the nicest
compliment I ever had.

Why don't you lie down, Ernie?

You're going to sleep, right?

Yes, sir.

Would I be baby if I asked you to stay in here for a while?

I mean, just though I go to sleep.

No, it wouldn't be baby at all, Ernie.

I'll be right here.

Good night, Ernie.

Oh,

Chip, it's just that, uh...

Well, I thought we ought to have a little talk.

About?

Well, about, uh...

About life.

About living, actually.

The cycle of life, I believe they call it.

Well, heck, I know all about that.

You do?

Yeah.

After the egg hatches, it's a pollywop.

And pretty soon, some legs grow out.

And then the tail falls off, and it's a frog.

Yes, that's right, Chip.

But I'm afraid there's a little more to life than that.

Yeah, but we don't get to study about
jellyfish and sharks till next semester.

Robbie, why don't you do Peggy a favor,
like you do for an old friend?

It'll be little enough to sacrifice when you
consider all the hours she's invested in your engine.

What's little enough?

Why don't you ask her for a date?

A date?

Call her, take her to a movie, and maybe after
the movie, treat her to a malt and a hamburger.

And when you take her to her door to cap off
the whole evening, maybe kiss her goodnight.

Good night.

Kiss her goodnight?

Dad, if this ever got around, I'd never be
able to show my face at school again.

Life's a gamble, Rob.

That's a risk you'll have to take.

Yeah, but maybe she won't want to.

You don't know Pig.

She just might haul off and belt me one.

Well, you've still got one good eye left.

Boy, does she ever snitches on me.

Come on.

Come on, Rob.

Better hold a piece of ice on that eye while you eat, huh?

A day at a time, Rob.

That's the way we all live.

A day at a time.

Well, hi, Ernie.

What are you doing out of bed?

Every time I think I'm going to sleep, I keep
thinking about the house and Bryant Park.

Oh.

Is there something wrong with my brain or something?

No, I don't think so, Ernie.

Come on, sit down.

I guess, uh, we've all been doing a little of that, Ernie.

How come we thought it was going to be so
great out here when it turned out to be so terrible?

Maybe we expected too much.

You know, there's a saying, anticipation
is better than participation.

Yeah.

It's like when you think you're going to do
great in class and the teacher shoots you down.

Well, something like that, yeah.

Dad?

Hmm?

If I tell you something, will you be sure
not to tell Chip or Robbie?

It's a deal.

Well?

When I was thinking about the house and Bryant Park and
my friends upstairs just now, I kind of cried a little bit.

Well, shall I tell you something, Erin?

I wasn't far from it myself a minute ago.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, do you think maybe you can do a
little better in the sleep department now?

Heck yeah, dear.

Come on, I'll go up with you.

Now,

Walter Brownbinder doesn't live here.

Otherwise, I know the number.

We just moved in.

You getting smart with me, Jack?

Look, I can't see the number on the phone.

I haven't got my glasses on.

And I'm not going to walk clean across the
kitchen to get them to do a favor for a Californian.

I don't care if you're from Tallahassee.

You sound like a Californian.

Hi, Uncle Charles.

How was school?

Don't answer that.

I can tell by the look on your face.

They're as friendly around here as a cup of hemlock.

Boy, in every class I had to get up and tell
my name and then describe where I came from.

Boy, what a day.

Those kids in the store didn't say a word.

And in every class I had to get up and tell
my name and talk about where I came from.

Yeah, and I already got homework.

Boy, you come to California and no one talks to you.

You don't see any movie stars.

And you don't even get to stick your feet
in those footprints at the Chinese theater.

And they give you homework.

I wonder what old Tooney Weatherman is
going down at the meat market back home.

Boy, I never thought I'd miss my gym locker at Bryant High.

You know, I don't think it's good for a kid
my age to have their dreams shatter like this.

Uh, say that again.

Say what again?

Hi.

Hi.

You know something?

That's the first friendly word anybody's
said to me since we moved to California.

Well, then I'm glad I was the one to say it.

Well, uh, looks like we're gonna be neighbors.

May I borrow a cup of sugar?

If you promise to return it along with the
eggs you borrowed last week.

Ha!

Well, good afternoon.

Oh, good afternoon.

Another nice day.

Yes, it is.

Again.

By the way, my name is Steve Douglas.

Oh, I'm Jan Deering.

Well, how do you do?

I thought, as long as we're neighbors,
we ought to get to know each other.

I suppose you've seen my three boys.

Oh, yes, I have.

And the older man's nodded to us a couple of times.

Oh, he's the boy's Uncle Charley.

You know, he really doesn't like California.

Oh, has he just joined you?

Oh, no.

No, we all came out together.

We just moved in the day before yesterday.

I guess we didn't see you moving in because,
well, that's the day we all went to the beach.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, this is a real comedy of errors.

Well, how do you mean?

Well, we've been sitting around sort of waiting
for you old-time Californians to welcome us.

To welcome you?

Yes.

You see, we only moved in the day before you did.

We're from Michigan.

No.

Yeah.

Well, hey, Dad, look what I found at school.

We owe her some eggs.

Oh?

Katie, this is my dad, Dad Katie Miller.

Hello, Katie.

How do you do?

She's my locker neighbor.

We don't really owe her any eggs.

She was actually born here.

Really?

Well, Rob and Katie, this is Mr. Deering, our neighbor.

Hi.

Oh.

Hello there, Hart.

Katie.

Katie, as the only genuine Californian
we've met so far, what would you say is

the best way for two neighbor families to
get to know each other better?

You're not a true transplanted Californian, so you have
broken bread and burned meat together at a barbecue.

At a barbecue.

Are the hamburgers supposed to be on fire
like that, Mr. O'Casey?

Yeah.

Gordon, you and Ernie run in the house and
get me some wax paper.

Hey, Gordon.

He doesn't want any wax paper.

Uncle, he just wants us to get out of here.

And how come we're going for the wax paper?

Because he doesn't like it if kids like us
figure out why he says things.

Uncle Charley, the hamburgers are on fire.

Yeah.

You two do me a favor.

Go on in the house and find me some wax paper, will you?

Hey, Uncle Charley.

Go in the house and find me some wax paper.

Boy, those hamburgers smell good.

Uncle Charley.

Uncle Charley, aren't you going to say how they're on fire?

You're just searing in the juices, aren't you?

Right.

I'd like mine a little on the rare side,
if you don't mind, Charley.

Wait a minute.

I forgot what we're looking for.

Wax paper.

Wax paper?

Did your Uncle Charley send us all in here
to get rid of us?

I guess so.

Come on, you guys.

We might as well get out of there and get our hands dirty.

Hamburgers.

Boy, Uncle Charley really gets...

Your Uncle Charley what?

Forget about Uncle Charley.

Here they are.

They look just wonderful.

Look at these.

Oh, they're big just for you.

Thank you.

You're going to have to move that over.

Say, Dad, may I speak to you a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Dad, you went with a lot of girls in your time, right?

Well, it wasn't exactly an army,
Rob, but I went with a few girls, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, how did you know when the time came
to... I mean, what made you propose to our mother?

You know, it's a funny thing.

I kept seeing her in an apron.

And in a house.

And somehow I just knew it was our house.

An apron, huh?

Are you sure it wasn't a wedding dress?

No, no.

It was one of those half-aprains, you
know, and it had a big red Rose for a pocket.

Dad.

Take a look at Katie now and just tell me what you see.

Oh, I see a very pretty girl helping with the coffee.

Yeah, I guess you would.

Why?

What do you see?

Oh, nothing.

You know, Dad, I'm beginning to understand
what they see in California.

Wow.

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.