08x04 - Countdown to Marriage

[bunniefuu]

To your maid of honor,
this girl here, and wait for Robbie to offer you his arm.

What are you sweating for, Clark?

This is just a rehearsal.

Tomorrow's the wedding, and I'm the one getting married.

Well, I'm all right.

It's just a little hot in here.

Lorraine, you're not supposed to fall apart until tomorrow.

This is just the rehearsal.

Don't worry, I'll fall apart right on schedule.

Bothering me is that Katie's wedding dress
hasn't been delivered yet.

Neither have the bridesmaids' dresses.

Steve, this is the day before the wedding.

Were they promised for the day?

Yes.

Well, the dressmaker said they'd be
delivered tonight, but Steve supposed they're not.

Well, we just picked them up.

Oh, that's fine.

The best man here, the bridesmaids here.

And don't break the flowers.

It's a wedding gift.

Boy, that's terrible.

Poor best man.

She mean poor Robbie.

He's getting stuck with a girl the rest of his life.

But the best man's the guy that's got to come
up with the ring and hand it to the preacher.

If he goofs, he shoots down the whole wedding.

Aren't you nervous about being an Usher, Mark?

No.

All you got to do is say, friend of the
bride or groom, and then they tell you.

If it's a lady, you stick out your arm, they grab
it, and then you haul them down the alto seat.

Boy, that's worse than saying three stanzas of
Invictus in front of the girl's glee club or something.

What is this, a sneak preview?

Hi, Charlie.

The rehearsal's almost over.

What brings you here?

Two things.

First, tr*mp's not home yet.

Oh, well, I'm sure he's all right, Charlie.

And some dainty little Jasper just delivered four dresses.

There are two dresses?

I told him to send them to Grandma's place in Glendale.

I just gave him your address as Katie's future home.

Oh, honestly, Steve, nothing's going right.

Marie, it's just a matter of going to our
house instead of Grandma Colin's house.

That's right.

And then much sooner than you expect,
I will say I declare that you,

so-and-so, and you, so-and-so, are husband and wife.

There'll be a prayer, and then you may kiss the bride.

If you wish, you may rehearse that now.

I wouldn't be caught dead at a
chicken-plucking contest in a thing like this.

Look at the short skirt.

Well, hasn't somebody just mixed up two wedding parties?

Robbie, honey, please.

Katie, get on the telephone and call Etienne right away.

Pat, you and the girls, put those dresses
back in the boxes.

Uh, Katie, if he's not at the shop,
you better try them at home.

Robbie, honey, please.

If he has given those dresses to someone
who's just left town, we're in big trouble.

Robbie, honey.

I'm sure he's listed, operator.

He's a dressmaker.

It's a French name, Etienne Dubois.

I don't know how to spell it.

I never took French.

Honey, come on.

Take it easy.

Take it easy?

It's easy for you to say you're not
getting married tomorrow.

It's like D-O-V-O-I.

Dad, come and we go look for tr*mp again.

I'm worried about him.

Well, we'll give it another try before we go to bed, Ernie.

Anyway, I'm sure he's all right.

Honest, Steve, you wouldn't believe this.

Those women are starting a riot over them dresses.

And Katie just told Robbie he ain't
getting married tomorrow.

She is, but he ain't.

He has to expect it, Charlie.

This is the countdown.

What's that mean?

In almost every family I know, the day
before the wedding is a complete disaster.

How come?

Why doesn't everybody just do what they're supposed to do?

Because women are mixed up in it.

Why don't you and me take this thing over?

We'll tell Katie and her mother and that
tribe of females over in Glendale to get lost.

Come on, Charlie, you know it better than that.

Yeah.

Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

I have come to correct the incorrectness of formula.

Etienne!

Oh!

It's a surprise, Katie.

It's a surprise.

Robbie, honey, please.

It's a stupid one, my wife.

She got the boxes intermixed.

For punishment, I shall not cook for her for six days.

Look at the Mark and the waist.

Maybe we'd better try them on.

Yeah, right.

It's better.

We don't want to change that.

Etienne, the girls think the dresses
should be a little shorter.

I think that we're good enough friends of
Katie's to tell her what we think.

After all, we're the ones that have to walk
down the aisle making spectacles of ourselves.

We have three fittings.

I will not again have a fitting.

Therefore, I leave you.

Au revoir.

Etienne, please.

It'll only take you a few minutes to fix it.

Me no.

C'est tout.

Etienne, please don't go.

He won't go, Miss Miller.

You're staying.

Robbie, for heaven's sake, stop that.

Katie, do something about Robbie.

Brad won't be necessary.

Oh, Etienne, I'm so sorry.

Please, just come.

Boy, all I did was grab this guy.

I know.

I saw the whole thing.

Steve, one of us really ought to go out
there and straighten those women out.

Just leave them alone, Charley.

Dad said it's supposed to be like this, Rob.

It is?

Well, I can only go by my own wedding and
a couple of others where I was best man,

but it's always mass hysteria, and the smartest
thing the men can do is to stay completely out of it.

Dad, can we go look for tr*mp again?

I guess maybe a better earn.

Is tr*mp lost?

Yeah, and he don't know this town like he knew Bryant Park.

For all we know, he may be up on the sunset.

He said strip.

Well, come on, you guys.

Let's get in my car and go look for him.

Yeah, come on.

I guess maybe I'd better stay here just in case.

Oh, Annie, is that friend of yours going to sing
two songs before the ceremony she promised?

Yes, but...

But what, Annie?

Spit it out, girl.

Well, she wants to sing I Love You Truly
and Around the World in 80 Days.

Those are the only songs she knows.

And she's not sure of I Love You Truly.

Well, she is not going to sing Around the
World in 80 Days at my daughter's wedding.

What's her number, Annie?

I don't know.

Oh, I hope Katie and her young
man are out sparking some days so

they can't know what a shambles
their wedding is turning into.

Honey, I'm glad you didn't let that silly
dressmaker spoil the rest of our evening.

He's not a silly dressmaker.

He's an artist.

Sure.

That's an awfully patronizing tone, Robbie Douglas.

Well, it's meant to be.

You should have seen the five of you women
arguing over those dresses.

It sounded like a bird farm.

It did?

Come on, honey.

You know, my dad said that you women just fly apart right
before a wedding, but that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

Your father could never have said such a thing.

He's much too sensible a man.

Well, he said it.

He also said that it was supposed to be
like this and that I shouldn't let it bother me.

Which I'm trying not to do.

Fine.

I suppose it is foolish to be a little nervous on
the Eve of the most important day of your life.

I should have been more carefree and gone
off chasing a dog like you did.

I should have been more carefree and gone
off chasing a dog like you did.

Chasing a dog?

Katie, that's tr*mp.

When it comes right down to it,
I've known him longer than I've known you.

Say that again.

Oh, hi, Rob.

Well, everything work out all right?

It sure did.

I'm not getting married.

I don't like that.

Just like that.

If she's going to get irrational just
because I went out looking for tr*mp,

then maybe it's just as well I found it out now.

There was a maybe in the middle of that sentence, Rob.

Does that mean you might reconsider?

It does not.

Dad, marriage is such an important thing,
and if one of the parties calls it off

because of a silly thing like that,
then she's in big trouble.

I'm lucky I got out of it.

So, Katie called.

Well, I don't remember who actually said
the fatal words, but it's off,

completely and definitely off.

And, Dad, please don't tell me that this
is the way it's supposed to be.

No.

I remember your mother was a nervous
wreck, and so was her mother, but we never

got to the point of actually calling the wedding off.

Rob, I think you're making a big mistake.

Dad, I know how you feel, but I also know how I feel.

And I'm afraid it's my feelings that have
to count this time.

Rob, what if Katie came to you and said she was sorry?

What would you do then?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

If I was from another planet and I looked
at all the dirty hand marks on these

doors, I'd say a family of immature pigs lived here.

Charlie, is it true Robbie and Katie had a fight?

Sure, and now it looks like the wedding is off.

Well, first we lose tr*mp, then we lose Katie.

Dad talking any sense into Robbie?

Nope.

But, you know, Robbie's always been rock-headed.

I hope he has better luck with Katie.

Wait a minute.

Is Dad over there talking to Katie?

Somebody better talk to her.

You sure won't.

Well, look, Uncle Charlie, this is my
business, and I want this family to stay out of it.

Don't holler at me.

I'm just the door cleaner around.

Dad has no right to talk to Katie.

I think he has, Rob.

He's your father.

Yeah.

And even if she is a girl, I hope she gets married to us.

Well, that's the whole point.

She's not marrying us.

She's marrying me.

I haven't seen him so worked up since he
stayed up all night for an algebra final.

Look, we haven't got anything to worry about.

Your dad is over there talking to Katie right now.

And you know how persuasive your dad can
be when he makes his mind up to it.

Hello, Lorraine.

Who's that?

Hello, Steve.

Come in.

This is my mother, Mrs. Collins.

How do you do, Mrs. Collins?

And Katie's Aunt Annie Fletcher.

How do you do?

This is Mr. Douglas.

Who?

Robbie's father, Mama.

Oh.

Robbie must take after his mother.

Yes, yes, he does.

I'm sorry to... I'm sorry to drop in so late,
but I was wondering if I could talk to Katie.

What about?

Mama, will you please let me discuss this
alone with Mr. Douglas?

No.

Does that answer your question?

Steve, I don't think it'll do any good,
but if you really want to try Katie's

upstairs, just up the stairs and first room on the left.

All this foolishness about nothing.

Young people are supposed to fight.

For goodness sake, Annie, someday you're
going to drown in your own tears.

Who is it?

Me, Mr. Douglas.

Hello, Katie.

I know what you're going to say.

I'm sure you do, but would you mind if I say it anyway?

Come in, Mr. Douglas.

Lorraine, stop that pacing.

And you, Annie, turn off the waterfall.

Mother, you just don't understand.

Of course I understand.

Katie and that fine boy have had a fight.

It's more than just a fight, Mother.

Just like that.

Just like that.

Oh, Mr. Douglas has gone way past what he said about tr*mp.

When I found out he had the power to
irritate me about almost nothing,

I began to see our future as one mass of
arguments and misunderstandings.

But, Katie, don't you think you might have been more
upset about other things than you were about Robbie?

For instance, there was trouble about the
dresses, wasn't there?

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.

It's no use.

It was wonderful of you to come here.

The one thing I do regret is losing you as a father-in-law.

And Ernie and Chip.

Uncle Charley and tr*mp.

Katie, what if Robbie came to you and said he was sorry?

Did you ask him that question?

Yes, I did.

What did he say?

He said if you came to him and said you
were sorry, he really didn't know what he'd do.

But don't you see, Katie, it's an opening.

He didn't say forget it.

He just said I really don't know.

So if I came to him on my hands and knees and said I was
sorry for something he started, he didn't know what he'd do?

I know what I'd do.

Nobody said anything about hands and knees.

I just asked...

Katie?

Dad?

Mr. Douglas.

I didn't bring him here, Katie.

He came here on his own.

Hello, Rob.

Well, have the two of you been having a
nice long talk about me?

Yes, as a matter of fact, we have.

Well, I've done all I can to try to help you two.

If you can't see what's best for you,
then go your separate ways.

I can't say that I don't care, because I do.

But I'm through trying to persuade and argue.

At least you're... We're together in one place.

So you stay here and talk this thing out.

And let your mother and me know what you decide.

Here you are, Mama.

Dear, she's asleep again.

I am not asleep.

Hand me that cup.

Are the children still talking upstairs?

Yes.

They've been talking quite a while.

Suppose that's a good sign.

Well, of course it is.

They'll be down in a few minutes and tell
us everything is fine.

And then we won't have to return the wedding gifts.

Well, what have you two decided?

We had a long talk, and we reviewed the entire
situation as clinically as possible under the circumstances.

And?

Well, it just doesn't add up, Dad.

When we first met, everything was golden.

Then we began to find out that it was gold plate.

What's the boy talking about?

What he's saying is that he expects their
relationship to be one long, idyllic, romantic dream.

He doesn't like to see an occasional Boulder in the path.

Rob, I loved your mother very much.

But there were times when we disagreed on things.

Sometimes at the tops of our voices.

Your father and I were the same, Katie.

Don't you remember?

And I loved him with all my heart.

Well, don't just stand there.

Say something.

That's the trouble, Mrs. Miller.

We've been saying too much.

All we do is talk, Mama.

It's all surface.

No depth.

Goodbye, Robbie.

I'll never forget you.

Goodbye, Katie.

Come on, Dad.

I.

Said come back here, Blasterhide.

Katie, you come over here and stand next to me.

Come on now, come on.

Both of you move.

Now, I'm sick of psychology and blather
and discussion and being clinical.

Do you love him?

Love has nothing to do with it.

Love has everything to do with everything.

Why, you can live with a loud-mouthed
wildcat if you love him.

I ought to know.

I married one.

Do you love her?

Yes.

I didn't hear you.

Say it again.

Doesn't have to.

I heard him.

Oh, Robbie.

Oh, Robbie.

Well, it was pretty close there for a while.

Shows you what tension can do.

Well, say, Charley, did the boys find tr*mp?

No.

Robbie is out driving them around again.

You know, Steve, women are weird.

They come unglued about nothing, and
they cry, and they faint at the drop of a skillet.

And they weep, and they wail, and they run
around with their heads off.

You don't see men doing that.

What the heck?

We can't find him.

Well, he probably found some new friends,
Ernie, and they're showing him the town.

Don't worry, he'll come back.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Clark.

Oh, no!

The doctor just left.

I've got 104 temperature.

I don't see how I can... But it's tomorrow!

I mean, couldn't you just fall back into
bed right after we say, I do?

Sure.

Don't worry, Clark.

Get better, that's the main thing.

Yeah.

Bye.

Clark is sick?

Yeah.

Well, we have to find a new best man fast.

Yeah?

Like who?

Well, we haven't been in California long
enough to rub three friends together.

Hey.

Hey, yeah.

That's a great idea.

What's everybody looking at me for?

Chip, you have to be best man.

Oh, yeah, but I can't.

I'm an Usher.

Well, Ernie, you can take your place, Chip.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Now, fellas, I'm sorry, but your brother
is getting married.

Now, I'm not asking.

I'm telling him.

Hey, the suits.

They have to be fitted tomorrow Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

What's the name of that place?

Uh, Fred's Sex Shop.

Well, call him.

Call him.

What, at midnight?

No, but Charlie, where's the telephone book?

Oh, we have them.

I try to keep one near each phone.

Look at the potato bin.

It's done here.

I'll get the one from the other way.

Dad, do I have to say friend of the groom
and haul ladies down the aisle?

That's what you do.

What about me?

If I stand up there and lose the ring,
I'll blow the whole wedding.

You're not going to blow it.

Here's the phone book in the oven.

What's it doing in the oven?

I forgot.

It fell in the sink.

I was drying it out.

Fred's touch-up.

Yeah.

Look on the touch-suit around us.

Yeah.

Fred's touch-up.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

No, we weren't asleep.

Listen, Clark is sick.

Can you call back later or something?

What do you mean, take it easy?

I'm getting married tomorrow.

Katie, Katie, Rob will have to call you back.

We have to call some suits.

I mean, we have to have some suits.

Yeah, look, if you don't want a best man
in overalls tomorrow, you better hang up.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons
straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.

We'll be right back.