08x06 - The Homecoming

[bunniefuu]

How did everything go?

Oh, just fine.

We had a hard time telling from the
postcards you didn't write.

We really meant to, Uncle Charley, but...
Hey, Rob, what were your horses' names?

Horses?

In the travel folder, it showed horse
trails, golf courses, tennis courts,

all kinds of neat stuff.

Yeah.

I'd have taken old paint.

You can append on a horse named Old Paint
not to pull any funny stuff.

Well, come on in and tell us about the trip.

Yeah.

How was the weather?

It was just perfect.

Is anybody hungry?

How'd the new racket work out?

Uh, we didn't try it, sir.

I got some cold roast beef.

Say, I'll bet that golf course was something.

It was as beautiful as they say.

Everything was lovely.

I'll bet you had a little trouble with
those water hazards, huh?

Oh, uh, we didn't play that.

Oh, it was supposed to be one of the best
courses in the country.

Well, I know.

We meant to play, didn't we, Kitty?

Yes, it was one of the things we were looking
forward to, but we just didn't seem to get around to it.

Hey, Rob, were those sailboats hard to handle?

There's plenty of apple pie.

I don't know her.

I thought you'd be all sunburned from
lying around the pool.

Uh, well, it rained a lot, Chip.

What rain?

I check the weather report every day in the Charlie.

Hey, I bet you kids are hungry.

How about some of that roast beef and apple pie, Charlie?

I don't know why I didn't think of it.

Come on to the kitchen.

Ernie, why don't you and Chip take their things upstairs?

Sure, Dad.

Well, this is it.

It's all ours.

It's very nice.

You don't like it?

Well, of course I do.

You know, now that I look at it objectively, it
does have a certain sneaker sweatshirt quality.

I thought they were going to sort of clean it up.

It is a little masculine.

Well, it doesn't have to stay that way.

Like I told you before, honey,
you can change it any way you want.

Oh, Rob, I didn't mean... Well, I know
you didn't, but it should be changed.

It was my room, and now it's our room.

It should be changed.

Do you really think so?

Of course.

Change it any way you want, okay?

Okay.

Thank you, Rob.

Hey, honey.

Hey, what's the matter?

What did I do?

Nothing.

You know, Steve, now that the honeymoon
is over, it'll be a relief to get back to normal.

Well, don't forget, Charley, with Katie here,
it's going to be a little different kind of normal.

I don't know why you say that.

She'll be going to school with the other kids, won't she?

But she's a girl.

I noticed that.

I've been identifying girls for years, Steve.

Well, I'm going to call it a day.

I don't know.

I'm not sleepy.

I'm just kind of tired.

Well, it's either the weather or you got
something on your mind.

Like a son that just got married.

I got to go upstairs and fix that window that's rattling.

I can do that, Charley.

Why?

This is just like Christmas.

You would ever think Rob'd give away his very best job?

Hey, fellas, it's getting a little late.

I think you'd better get to bed now.

You can work on all this tomorrow.

And try to hold it down, will you?

I mean, well, just hold it down.

Good night.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, Dad.

Hey, Chip.

Yeah?

When do you think you'll be getting married?

Not right away, that's for sure.

Why?

Well, as soon as you do, I'll want your catcher's mitt.

Hey,

what are you doing?

Well, the door's locked.

Well, maybe you didn't turn it on.

Maybe you didn't turn the handle right.

Hey, it's locked.

Well, that's what I said.

What's going on?

Well, the door's locked.

You think we can pry it open with a letter opener?

You can't go in there.

Katie's in there.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey, what is this?

Some new kind of formation?

Katie's in the bathroom.

Oh.

Well, I guess this is the end of the line, huh?

Oh, I try.

Somebody's selling tickets to something?

Oh, Katie's in there.

Well, I gotta put the towels in there.

Well, you just have to wait your turn to
send me the rest of it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I, well, I had no idea you were...

Katie?

What?

Is that the way girls look in the morning?

Uh, well, fellas, who's next?

Oh, I was.

But you can take my place, because I know
you have to get to the office.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.

Here, I'll take the towels in.

Charlie, thanks.

I'll hurry it up, fellas.

Come on, now, don't cry.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You're a pest.

Oh, you're no such thing.

You're just one of a family, that's all.

And one of the things we Douglas's do best
is fight for the bathroom.

Hurry up, Ernie.

I'll hurry up.

I can't eat all this.

Oh, you better try, honey.

Everything okay?

Yeah, real great.

Looks delicious.

I'm glad to hear you say that, because if there's one thing
I can't stand, it's a scrawny female that's afraid to eat.

How do you feel about overweight wives?

Let's put it this way.

I'm a more tolerant type than Uncle Charley.

Uncle Charley.

Boy, Dad, I'm glad you haven't left yet.

Can you drive me and Ernie to school?

Now, Chipper, I don't mind driving you, but you know
it's your responsibility to get ready for school on time.

Well, I got on plenty of time, but I
couldn't get in the bathroom, remember?

Oh, well, circumstances do all the cases.

Come on, Ernie.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

What took you so long?

Oh, I had to put on a dry shirt.

The other one got all soaked.

How?

I didn't know you had to watch out for wet and eyeliner.

How come you're not in school?

Our first class today isn't until 10 O 'clock.

The bathroom door's stuck, so I thought
I'd straighten up in here.

Katie's already done it, and the bathroom door isn't stuck.

Katie's in there.

Is she trying to set a record,
like flight Poles sitting or something?

No.

She said it takes a lot of time and
trouble for a girl to get that natural look.

You know, this place is as bare as a convention hall.

If I do say it myself, we had it looking pretty homey.

Well, Katie's gonna fix it up.

I don't know, I think it was high time I
got rid of that stuff anyway.

Well, now that you got a lot of extra storage
space, I got a few things that... Storage space?

Uncle Charlie, I'm glad you brought that up.

Ah, would you mind sharing your closet with me?

Well?

Well, what?

Well, say something.

Well, uh...

You don't like it.

Oh, I like it.

It's very nice.

Very nice.

Well, something's not quite right.

What do you suggest?

I think it's up to the husband to answer stuff like that.

Well, maybe if it came down a little bit
to just above the knee, I think.

Honey, what's the matter?

Honey?

Well, I spent all morning rearranging my
hair, but you didn't notice.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, I did.

Robbie's still at it.

What can I do to help?

Not a thing.

This is a one-man galley.

Well, I'd like to do something.

Oh, well, there is something you can do.

Go gather up your dirty clothes.

Tomorrow's wash day.

Well, I'll do Robbie's and mine.

You won't have time.

Well, not tomorrow, but I will Saturday.

Now, look.

Your job is to go to school and make
Robbie happy, and my job is to run this house.

Now, I'll stick to one wash day, and you stick to
irregular French verbs or whatever the horse in the room.

What are you running around with these days?

Well, some of my things... Don't worry about a thing.

You're looking at an expert.

I've been doing laundry so long, I'm pre-shrunk.

I don't know if you're sure.

I'm sure.

Why don't I cook something?

I got dinner all worked out.

What about dessert?

I made pies this morning.

Well, they'll keep, won't they?

Not around this bunch.

I mean, if I made another dessert,
we could eat the pies tomorrow.

Couldn't we?

Don't you like pie?

Oh, I love pie.

I just wanted to cook something for Robbie.

Something special.

Like what?

Custard.

Custard?

For Robbie?

Well, I'll clean up afterwards.

Robbie hates custard.

Well, you must be thinking of one of the other boys.

Robbie loves custard.

I'm thinking of the Robbie with the blue eyes and the
light brown hair who just came back from a honeymoon.

That one hates custard.

Well, I'll make it.

You just wait and see.

What's for dessert?

Surprise.

Custard?

Custard?

Uncle Charley, you know I hate custard.

Honey?

Katie, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

I didn't mean to.

I didn't know you made the custard.

What difference does that make?

Well, if I'd known you'd made it,
I would have eaten it anyway.

You would?

Sure.

No matter how bad it was.

Katie, I didn't mean it to sound like that.

I don't think you make bad custard.

It's just that all custard tastes bad to me.

Well, then why did you order it the first
night of our honeymoon?

Well, I didn't.

I ordered flan.

What do you think flan is?

Custard?

You're kidding.

I'm not.

Well, I didn't know that.

It was the only dessert on the menu I could pronounce.

Oh, it's ridiculous.

It is not ridiculous.

It is, too.

Oh.

Yeah, I think so, Dad.

I don't know what's the matter with me, Dad.

She must have cried 40 times today.

Rob, there's nothing wrong with you.

But there are a few facts of life you still have to learn.

Dad, I'm serious.

What's all the irony?

Now, you didn't make Katie cry.

She cried for two reasons.

First, she's a woman, and second, she's a bride.

Was my mother like this?

Oh, sure.

Yes, I remember when we were first married.

It was just like this.

And I think it is with most young couples.

I remember I was just like you, and I
thought that the whole thing was my fault.

Boy, is it always going to be like this?

No.

No, in time, Rob, you'll find that you and Katie
will grow more alike than you ever thought possible.

Well, thanks, Dad.

I feel a lot better.

Of course, Rob, you kids have a special problem.

What's that?

All of us living here together.

Yeah, yeah.

You think we'll be able to work it out?

Oh, I'm sure we can, as long as everyone
realizes everyone has to make adjustments.

Katie has to learn to live in an all-male house, and we
have to learn to live in a house that is no longer all-male.

Yeah.

Why.

Won't you tell me?

Because it has to be a surprise.

Now you can open them.

There.

Oh, it's very nice.

For us?

Mm-hmm.

Guess what we're having?

We're having for dinner.

Well, I already know.

Ernie told me.

Stu.

I made something special.

This time, I know you're gonna like it.

Well, you didn't have to do that, Ernie.

I'm crazy about Uncle Charley's stew.

Well, I wanted to.

It'll be like having dinner in our own home together.

I still don't understand why they don't
want to eat in here with us.

Well, Ernie, when you get older, you'll understand, Ernie.

You sit here at the head of the table.

Uh, won't the family think that this is sort of funny?

Well, I explained it to Ernie and Chip, and
Uncle Charley's going to explain it to your dad.

Excuse me.

Wow.

What's that?

That is a beautiful souffle made by loving hands.

Thank you.

Kind of cute, isn't it, Charley?

I mean, candlelight and wine.

Candlelight and root beer.

Wow.

Oh, Robbie.

That's okay, honey.

It probably tastes great.

Here, let's get a little bit here.

Oh, listen, honey.

I mean, it's not as if we have to go hungry.

What do we care?

Uncle Charley makes the greatest stew in the world.

Dad, can I speak to you a minute?

Oh, sure, Rob.

Excuse me.

What's wrong, Rob?

Where's Katie?

Oh, she's crying again, Dad.

She ran upstairs.

Oh, well, what happened?

The souffle bombed.

I can't figure out why.

Why it's all so important to her.

Well, Rob, I guess she thinks that being a
cook is part of being a good wife.

She doesn't need to cook.

We've got Uncle Charley.

But that isn't the point.

Don't you see, Rob?

She knows she's going to have to cook sooner
or later, and, well, she's upset because she can't.

Boy, what is it about getting married that
turns a fairly sensible girl into a

hypersensitive, I don't know what, woman?

It's never been proven, Rob, but I think
it's written into the ceremony.

But, Dad, I know it isn't important about the food.

But the way Katie feels, it seems that everything
I do or say is wrong, and she starts to cry.

I'm afraid she's going to end up dehydrated.

I don't think I'd do that, Dad.

But, Dad, could you talk to her?

I really think I should stay out of this.

All right.

Maybe this once.

Katie?

Do.

You feel like talking for a minute?

Sure.

I didn't hurt your feelings, did I?

Wanting Robbie and me to eat alone?

Oh, no, no, of course not.

Katie, Robbie's pretty mixed up right about now.

You know, in those important years when he
was growing up, he didn't have a mother

around to provide the feminine touch and...

Oh, so he doesn't understand the tears.

I know.

I didn't have a house full of brothers either.

Dad, back in your day...

You mean back in the olden days?

You know what I mean.

Well, didn't mothers teach their daughters
how to cook before they got married?

Well, a lot of them did, but not all of them.

Did Mrs. Douglas know how to cook when you got married?

Well, in her family, instead of
an Uncle Charley, there was an.

Aunt Josephine who didn't want
anyone else using her kitchen.

Consequently, when we got married,
she could cook two things.

Spanish rice and prunes.

Spanish rice and prunes?

Now, that was the... They were the
mainstays of our diet for the first few months.

How could you stand it?

Well, I guess we were so much in love, it didn't matter.

Of course, in time, she became a great cook.

Oh, it's not only being a good cook.

Brides are supposed to be happy, and...

Well, I've never cried so much in my life.

Well, Katie, I guess that's because brides
are entitled to cry when things aren't perfect.

And unfortunately, a lot of things aren't
perfect all the time, so...

Well, most brides do a little weeping now and then.

Really?

You can take my word for it.

Thanks, David.

Thanks, Dad.

You make me feel a lot better.

Good.

Okay, there's one more thing I'd like to say.

You and Robbie are a family now, but
the two of you are also a part of our family.

And it's your privilege to be alone
together as much as you like.

But what I want to tell you is that we're all very
happy that you're sharing the rest of the time with us.

Thanks, Dad.

You hungry?

Yes.

How about some souffle?

Oh!

I didn't mean it.

Come on.

Hey, Chip, you asleep?

Uh-uh.

I was thinking, do you like Katie?

Yeah.

Even if she does cry a lot?

She hasn't been crying so much lately.

Either that or we're getting used to it.

I hope I get a wife like her someday.

Me, too.

Boy, you're not going to get married soon, are you?

No.

Well, at least wait till you get through
geometry or something.

Okay.

You better go to sleep now, Ernie.

Yeah.

Chip?

Yeah?

I don't want your catcher's mitt that bad.

Good night, Ernie.

Good night, Chip.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons
straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.

We'll be right back.