08x12 - The Computer Picnic

[bunniefuu]

Well, all done.

Tonight at Pack and then off to San
Francisco again tomorrow.

You know, I must say I haven't had a chance to
spend too much time with the new addition to our family.

Certainly makes a difference having a
woman around the house, doesn't it, Charlie?

Sure does.

When Robbie used to do this, he was hopeless.

Absolutely hopeless.

Well, that was different, wasn't it?

What did I do?

What happened?

Why?

Why did you do this?

Spider!

Spider, where, where, where?

Where's the spider?

Where, where, where, where?

So much bigger than that.

Huh?

She said spider, not an alligator.

What do you find that do?

Okay, so look at my yarn.

Come on, you guys.

You're like a bunch of helpless women.

Not all us women are helpless, Uncle Charlie.

Since when?

Since we let our husbands go to basketball games.

Look at how brave I was.

I was about that spider.

Yeah.

Honey, I just can't go off and leave an
unprotected female at home.

Well, you're not.

Well, how do you figure that?

You tell him, tr*mp.

Come on, you guys.

I want to get there for the first foul.

Sorry we're late, Uncle Charlie.

You guys are slower than flowing cement.

Let's go.

Bye, Katie.

See you, Katie.

Goodbye.

Have a nice time.

Bye.

Goodbye, honey.

Oh, so listen, honey.

Honey, we'll be home around 11 O'clock.

Fine.

Good night, Robbie.

Maybe even sooner.

Fine.

Good night.

You won't forget to lock the doors and windows.

And won't let any strangers in.

Come on.

We're not going to Europe.

Say your goodbyes when we get back.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

What's the matter, boy?

That's a good watchdog.

What is it, boy?

What do you see?

tr*mp, do me a favor.

Either bark or attack something.

No, just whine.

Whee!

Come on, tr*mp.

Tip a sack.

We have a makeup exam tomorrow.

Whee!

After you.

Well, go ahead.

It's nothing but a dark room with probably nobody in it.

Whee!

tr*mp, I told you about that whining.

Whee!

He's always like that.

See, tr*mp?

There's nobody here.

What were you so worried about?

Well, you're going to have to get used to that, tr*mp.

You're going to be a California dog.

Oh, it's 20 after 1.



Hello?

Sports arena?

No, lady.

They all went home around the clock.



Robbie who?

Look, lady, there was 13,000 people in this place tonight.

Now, how am I supposed to know which one was your husband?

Thank heavens you're here, tr*mp.

tr*mp!

tr*mp, you come out here this instant, you coward.

What are you, a dog or a chicken?

tr*mp, you come...

Oh, hi.

Hello, Katie.

No, no, no, I wasn't sleeping.

I was just flying.

What kind of a noise?

Like a big lumpy heartbeat.

What's a lumpy heartbeat?

I know this sounds like a B picture, but there's a
heartbeat going on in this house right now, and...

The boys aren't home from the basketball game, and...

And tr*mp is useless, and... Well,
it's 1.30 in the morning or something, I...

Katie, I'm glad you called me.

Now, you're alone, and you're frightened,
and I don't blame you, but...

Well, you know the imagination can cause a lot of things.

I mean, what you think is a big lumpy
heartbeat could very well be tr*mp's tail

thumping on the floor or something like that, huh?

tr*mp hasn't used that tail of his except
to put it between his legs and hide.

He whines a lot.

Well, I know I sound like an hysterical woman, and I am,
but... Well, it's really thumping away right this minute.

Can you hear it?

No, no.

You can't, Katie.

Are you sure it isn't your own heart?

You know, sometimes when your head is
stomped up, you can hear it.

Maybe.

Somehow, just hearing your voice, I feel better.

I'm okay now.

Even tr*mp is coming out of the closet.

I'm sorry I bothered you.

I'm sure glad you were there to bother.

Now, Katie, if you get frightened again,
you just call me, huh?

I will.

Bye.

Good night.

See you, tr*mp.

One calm voice, and everything settles into place.

You don't believe me, do you?

Oh, Katie, I... You don't believe I heard anything.

I thought it was all in my mind.

Oh, come on now, be sensible.

Well, I am being sensible, very sensible.

I heard something tonight that sounded
like a human heartbeat.

I don't know what it was, but I heard it.

Where were you?

The same minute at 11.

Well, the streets around here get like
swamps when it rains.

We were stuck on the corner of Lake
Sepulveda on some river called Slauson Boulevard.

You're home now.

That's the main thing.

Oh, Robbie, you make me feel so safe.

Brought you some hot milk, Katie.

Works twice as good as a knockout drop.

And no hangover.

You're sweet, Uncle Charley.

Boy, Katie, you were so scared when
we came in that we thought that... Oh.

Who do you think I was heating the milk up for downstairs?

Myself?

Well, I wasn't sure, but I thought I was too
young to be asking questions this late at night.

Hey, how come Katie's crying?

Hey, honey, what's the matter?

What is it?

The most wonderful family that ever happened to anybody.

Yeah, well, let's not come up with any
more of those questions.

Your phony heart beats like you were
hollering about downstairs.

Uncle Charley.

Well, she is entitled to a couple of them.

Well, not anymore.

Now that my men are home, I'm leaving everything up to you.

Quite a storm last night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you hear it, Uncle Charley?

Hear what?

The storm.

Yeah.

Hi.

Everybody sleep well?

Yeah, fine.

Good day.

Didn't anybody hear anything?

Just the storm.

You going to stand there or are you going to sit down?

Robbie and I have to go over to campus for a makeup exam.

Oh, I'm sorry about last night.

When you're alone, your imagination does weird things.

Yeah.

Well, we better be going.

Bye.

See you later.

Did you hear anything besides the thunder and junk chip?

Did you?

Did you, Uncle Charley?

You guys have been reading too many comic books.

Having a woman in the house is turning
everybody into a bunch of scared rabbits.

Stan Jackson Realty.

Stan Jackson speaking.

No, that property was sold some time ago.

I know that.

We're the ones that bought it.

What I want to know is, what do you know about this house?

Well, it was built around 1946, give or take a few years.

The builder lived in it himself until he died.

He died?

He was 97.

Died in his sleep right at the time.

He lived in that downstairs bedroom.

The downstairs bedroom?

Yes, the one right off the kitchen.

I know the room.

I know the room.

Thank you.

Did he say anything about hearing weird
noises in the house?

Oh, constantly.

But then a man in his 90s often hears things.

Why?

Have you been hearing noises?

Not a thing.

When I'm in my 90s, I'll call you back.

Like a heartbeat, you say?

Literally?

Literally, like a heartbeat?

No, no, but similar.

Now, as I said, my wife heard it also.

I know this is ridiculous, coming to you
like this, but, well, it did happen.

Oh, I'm sure it did.

And if a student of mine can't come to me
when he's puzzled about a phenomenon,

then I ought to get out of the psychology business.

Then you don't think it's in my mind?

No.

I think some sort of a natural cause is
stimulating what seems to be an unnatural reaction.

There was a storm.

The dog was frightened.

Your wife planted it in your mind.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right, Doctor.

Thanks a lot for talking to me.

I think I've got it under control now.

I'm sure you have.

Well, that's all we need in the driveway.

A flying chicken Coop.

This is a ghost trap.

A ghost trap?

Yeah, for ghosts.

Uh, come on, you guys.

Uncle Charley, there's no point in kidding ourselves.

We all heard that weird thumping last night.

Yeah, well, but nobody saw a ghost.

Correct.

Those noises may not have been a heartbeat.

After all, this is the 20th century.

Nobody believes in ghosts.

But if this is the case, we're being
victimized by some practical prankster.

Probably dangerous.

We'll no doubt return tonight to witness
the spoils of his mischief.

If so, we'll be ready for him.

How come all of a sudden you're talking
like Charles Dickens?

I think he's going with a girl who thinks
Shakespeare is more important than Johnny Unitas.

Look, if you guys don't believe in ghosts,
how come you call it a ghost trap?

Oh, we're not taking any chances.

That's ridiculous.

It's sure fire, Uncle Charley.

Listen, you knotheads, this is dumb.

First of all, there are no ghosts.

Second of all, there won't be any prowlers.

And if there were, what kind of a sap would
let himself get caught in this contraption?

Wait a stupid minute.

What's happening?

Oh, what's going on?

Well, I was fast asleep when all of a
sudden the thumping started.

So I grabbed my flashlight to have a look around.

When suddenly, crash, someone's prowling
around, and I bumped right into him.

Oh, that's exactly what happened to me.

Has it ever occurred to you two geniuses
that the prowler you saw was each other?

Shh, listen.

Sounded like it was coming from the cellar.

Yeah, that's where they always Bury the bodies.

Stop acting like a bunch of schoolgirls.

There's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this.

Yeah, what is it?

How do I know?

Maybe an elephant came to die in our basement.

We'll find out by standing here.

Come on.

Shh, shh.

Don't push.

It must be busted.

Give me that flashlight.

It.

Never was neat.

Come on, Uncle Charley.

Don't want to quit kidding around like that.

Who's kidding around?

Hey, come on.

You go over there and check it out.

Me and the boys will wait here on the steps.

Go ahead.

Come on, Ed.

Probably whatever's in there died.

Again.

Look, everybody.

Now, what's going on here?

Help me out here.

Oh.

What is going on here?

Look, I've got my whole floor.

Are you talking about the same heartbeat
that Katie was talking about?

Well, that doesn't sound like a heartbeat,
Dad, but it sure is weird.

Oh, did Katie call you?

Well, yeah.

She was very worried, and, uh, well,
that's why I came home as quick as I could.

You don't think it could be a ghost, or Dracula,
or Frankenstein, or something like that, huh, Dad?

No, I don't think so, Ernie.

Now, Dad, you know I don't panic or anything.

But I think we ought to get back down to
that basement and figure this one out.

Sure, Steve.

I'm not saying it's a heartbeat,
but it sure ain't anything human.

Well, there goes the water pump.

You fellas must have had a lot of rain down here, huh?

Now, this sound you were talking about,
you say it doesn't sound human.

Just what does it sound like?

Like a water pump.

That's the sound.

You're kidding.

You're kidding.

Are you trying to tell us that's a water
pump in the coffin?

Coffin?

Charley, do you mean that wooden cover over it?

Well, now that you mention it, it sure ain't any heartbeat.

How's it turn on, Dad?

Chip, it's a sump pump.

The minute any water leaks into the
basement, it turns on automatically.

Well, I don't want to say anything,
Rob, but Katie's such a chicken.

She started the whole thing.

Yeah.

I guess so.

Tell me, men, just where is the hysterical
woman of the house?

Upstairs, sound asleep.

Upstairs, sound asleep.

Are you guys?

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