08x25 - The Standing Still Tour

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dad, come and pick out your junk.

Okay, Ernie.

Well, let's see here.

Those are my socks, here.

And that's my shirt.

I guess that's all, huh?

Do you really have to go to Amsterdam, Dad?

Yeah, I'm afraid so, Ernie.

You know how it is.

When the company says you go, you go.

Well, did they say anything about maybe a
nice kid going along?

If he didn't holler or have terrible
manners at the table or anything?

What nice kid did you have in mind, Ernie?

Oh, I won't be gone long.

I just think you and Uncle Charley will
have the whole house to yourselves.

Yeah.

Hey, Chip!

Oh, take that pair of almost green socks.

How about some shorts?

No, kid.

Give me one pair.

I'm only going to be gone a week.

Hey, you better take two.

The Board of Health will come and get you.

You better take one more pair.

Just in case Mexico has some kind of law
that says you can't wash junk in the ocean.

Hey, Chip.

That Spanish club you're going with
doesn't want a kid to go along, does it?

I mean, I can say, Boney Dias and Asa
Banana and everything.

Ernie, it's a school deal.

You can go when you get in high school.

Anyway, it's not so great.

We're only going a few miles below the
border for a few days.

Yeah.

Come in.

Oh, this is all the stuff.

This is all the stuff of the junk Uncle Charley washed.

Chip and Dad got in them first.

That's okay, Ernie.

Robbie only needs his Army Reserve things,
and I've been packed for hours.

Oh, honey, you better grab a couple of
extra handkerchiefs and shorts.

Why don't you put them in the back of the
suitcase there, where they won't bulge?

Here?

Yeah, right there.

Okay.

And put my shaving kit on the other side.

Yeah, right there.

Does she get to boss you around once in a
while, or is this one-sided sl*very?

It's a two-way street, Ernie.

You know, I boss her around like this, and
other times I let her wait on me of her own free will.

Robbie?

Yeah?

Did they ever let kids go on Army Reserve junk?

Now, Ernie, think over what you just asked me.

Does it make any sense at all?

I just asked.

Honey, I didn't realize it, but Ernie's really upset.

About what?

Well, your dad's going to Amsterdam.

Chip's going to Mexico.

You're going wherever you're going.

I'll be back east with my mother.

Well, so?

Well, so that leaves Ernie alone here with Uncle Charley.

Honey, he'll be fine.

He makes the world of Uncle Charley.

Well, that's not the point.

All of us will be off to some romantic place except him.

Honey, it just happened to work out that way.

Besides, you're not giving Ernie enough credit.

I bet she hasn't given it a second thought.

You still awake?

Yeah, I guess so.

I thought you'd be pooped from seeing your dad off at the
plane and saying goodbye to Robbie at the railroad station.

And by the way, I think he's headed for the South Pacific.

He is?

Yeah, I was talking to one of the officers and he said...

Hey, what's eating you?

Nothing.

Now, don't give me that.

Your barometer is falling fast.

Well, I guess Chip is halfway to the border by now.

Now in that broken-down school bus it is.

And your dad is just about arriving in Amsterdam about...

Hey, you ain't starting to cry or something, are you?

Heck no.

Oh, good.

I'll tell you one of my stories.

Can I, Uncle Charley?

I'm too big for stories.

Nobody is too big for one of my stories.

Once upon a time, there was
this dirty old... buzzard named Turk.

And he had this fat cousin who smoked too
many herrings for his own good.

Him and this fat cousin, they opened up a
dance hall in the waterhole district of the jungle.

And you never saw such a mess because Turk
forgot one thing.

Buzzards don't know how to dance.

You digging this story, Ernie?

I'm digging it, Uncle Charley.

Good.

Then the hyenas arrived and they refused to pay.

Do you mind very much if I went ahead of you?

I have only this one item.

Go ahead, Bursley.

Thank you.

Hey, ain't you... Shh, please, don't make a scene.

Charley, Charley, O'Casey, I told you.

Charley, how long has it been?

Well, since the Marianna out of Sydney.

You jumped ship at Singapore and the captain
sent me to get you, so we both jumped ship.

And we haven't seen each other in all these years.

Anyway, how have things been treating you, Charley?

Oh, just great.

I got me a family to take care of and we
moved out here to California a few months ago.

How about you?

Oh, I've been getting along.

Oh, sure, sure you have.

Hey, uh, how about coming over to the house tonight?

All right.

Well, look, it's just me and my nephew and I'll
cook you up a good meal and we'll talk over old times.

How about it, huh?

Sounds great.

Great.

All right.

Uncle Charley?

Yeah?

Is it dumb for a kid like me to get all sort of...

Well, you know, when I think about faraway places, Heck no.

And the word is romantic.

That's what sent me off to sea.

Hey, look, you better get out the plain dishes.

This friend of mine, he wouldn't feel at
home eating off that fancy stuff.

Okay.

Hey, pretty soon we ought to be getting a
car from Robbie in Okinawa.

Yeah.

Now, look, there's Toby that's coming over.

He's liable to whip down his food.

So don't act like you notice anything, huh?

Sure.

Imagine that poor guy swiping a can of
sardines so he could eat.

He swiped a can of sardines.

He swiped some sardines?

Why else would he hush me?

Look, I don't go along with people swiping
stuff, but he must have been starving.

I paid for the sardines without him knowing about it.

That must be him now.

You want me to go let him in?

Yeah, you let him in.

Hey, wait a minute.

On second thought, you go up and watch.

I'll let him in.

These things have to be done delicate.

You don't horse around with a man's pride.

And remember, he used to be a shipmate of
mine and he was a fine man.

So that's the way I want you to treat him.

Now, don't forget.

Hello, Charley.

Toby, I'm sure glad you can make it.

Wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I'm throwing some grub together in the galley.

Boy, this is a picture of you I never
expected to see, Charley.

Who is she?

They know she.

I got my nephew and his three boys to look after.

The oldest one got married, but his wife
is back visiting her mother.

Toby, I got so much to tell you,
I don't know where to start.

Toby, you want a shave or anything?

There's plenty of time before I throw the
chow on the table.

No?

Looks like I'm stuck with this face the way it is, Charley.

Oh, listen, you look swell.

Say, whatever happened to old Merv?

What's his name?

Oh, that's what I was going to ask you about.

Oh?

Let's see.

He was on the Mary Ann and they threw him in the
brig so many times he just happened to quit the sea.

Well, come on.

Sit down.

Sit down.

You, uh, you ever think of going back to the sea, Toby?

Oh, now and then, I guess.

I suppose we all do.

Well, I hear they're still signing the
boys on down at San Pedro.

Oh, they wouldn't take me on, Charley.

I'm too old and quite useless.

You're a brave man, Toby.

Huh?

Oh, Toby, this is Steve's youngest.

Hey!

What do you mean, hey?

He's just a kid, you know.

Manners come when they're about 25.

Hi.

I'm Toby Chambers.

Well, don't stand there like a lump.

His name is Ernie and I think he needs a
little work done on his head.

Come on, I want to talk to you.

Excuse us, Toby.

Did you think I was talking just to hear myself before?

This is the dumbest performance I've seen out of
you since you were a butterfly in that school play.

But Uncle Charley, that's Toby Chambers.

Of course it's Toby Chambers.

That's what I've been trying to tell...

You mean you've heard of him?

I'm on television, Charley.

Television?

He's the marshal of Kiowa, Kansas on the Trail Duster Show.

Yeah, but why the whiskers?

It's for the part.

I play a grizzled old marshal short on
manners but big on bravery.

I haven't had a closer shave than I'm
wearing now in the past five years.

Charley, I thought you knew.

Don't you remember I was always putting on
skits for the crews of our ships?

Charley, what are you thinking?

About a real dumb guy I know who's out the
price of a can of sardines.

Oh, yes, Mr. Doosan.

Well, I think I should be able to finish
it up in a couple of days.

Three at the most.

Huh?

Well, that's very kind of you,
but I think I can do a better job and get

it done more quickly if I work right here in my hotel room.

Yeah, well, there are no distractions.

I get my meals sent up and...

Yeah.

Fine.

Well, thanks anyway, Mr. Doosan.

Yes.

Goodbye.

Come in.

You're still working, Mr. Douglas.

Yes, I'm still working, Willie.

Just put it better, will you?

Oh, certainly.

But you don't see Amsterdam this way?

No, Mr. Douglas.

Look outside.

Look outside.

It's out there that the people from
Amsterdam going to work.

You do not wish to see?

Yes, I wish to see, Willie.

I just don't have time to look.

Time to look?

No time.

Oh, here.

Here is more quiet, see.

A street with the women from Amsterdam washing the steps.

Hey, Ernie.

He just left.

He's quite a guy.

Yeah, he's late.

You say he's a star, huh?

Guy, yeah.

How come you never saw his show?

Me and him figured it out.

It comes on on my lodge night.

I'm going to have to join a new lodge.

And he says you and me can go out to the studio.

Man!

And bring a camera.

They let down on the rules a little bit, so it'll be okay.

Hey, can we go out tomorrow and borrow
Robbie's movie camera?

Sure.

I've always wanted to see how a sailor
turns into a marshal.

All right,

let's make this a take.

Ernie, you'll have to come out of this shot now.

All right, now, ladies, put your back into it.

Women work hard in Holland.

All right, roll them.

Speed.

Action.

Hi, Frank.

Hi.

Did you see the town?

What town?

They say there's a town right over that hill.

Maybe, but you and I aren't going to see it.

Why not?

Because we're defending troops.

The attacking troops see the world.

We sit here in one place and look at each other.

You say there's a town or something?

Yeah, Lagoon and the whole works.

They say it's a nice place to visit.

Yeah.

Don't make a pest of yourself with that camera, Ernie.

The suchest thing is fouling up your welcome, you know.

Okay.

Why, isn't this neat?

And I'm having almost as much fun as Chip.

What do you think it is, Doctor?

It is what you call in your country, tonsillitis.

Very strong case, however.

I've got a lot of fun.

I've got a girl with a broken toe,
two cases of poison Ivy, and now this.

How can I see Mexico if I have to stay in bed?

True.

Now, at the end of every class field day,
I'll come to your room and describe the

day's happenings, just as I do with the
broken toe and the two cases of poison Ivy.

The Plaza, the mariachis, everything.

How's it going, Ernie?

Kind of neat.

That means he's having a great time.

Say, you in this picture, Toby?

Yes.

It seems that once in a while, some of our
more rotten characters hightail it into Mexico.

And the marshal goes after them.

Strictly unofficially, of course.

Well, that's because the U.S.

marshal has no jurisdiction over Mexico.

Right.

Say, he's really up on his westerns, Charlie.

Yeah, he wants us to get another TV set so
he can watch two of them at once.

Boy, Mr. Chambers, nobody's going to believe
me when I tell him what happened to me today.

Say, I think I know a way to give you both
a souvenir you'll never forget.

Max, roll them.

Feet.

Action.

Any of you men see a loco?

They say he has a house in these parts.

Una casa.

Which way is it?

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Well, Ernie, you had quite a day today.

Yeah?

Mr. Chambers said they're running
behind schedule or something,

so the picture we're in is going to be on TV pretty soon.

I hope the world travelers get back in time to see us.

Come on, finish your hot chocolate.

You want to know something, Uncle Charlie?

What?

It's just that I was thinking something.

Like, you and Mr. Chambers used to be kind
of tough and everything.

And he still has to act kind of tough on TV.

So?

Well, so I was wondering, how come you
learn how to be so nice to little kids?

Like bringing them hot chocolate and
telling them stories and everything.

Give me the mug.

You don't learn to be nice to little kids, Ernie.

You sort of give back what you get.

What's that mean?

What, do you really want me to come out and tell you?

Okay.

Hey, you're a good little kid
most of the time, and I kind of

enjoy being alone with you
because you're not a pain in the neck.

And we sort of got to know each other a
little better, and what are you grinning about?

I don't know.

I guess it sounds sort of good to hear.

Come on, tuck yourself in and go to sleep.

And so like I told you guys before,
they let us see the studio and everything.

This is supposed to be a street in Amsterdam.

Amsterdam?

Well, just the way Willie described it.

I should have looked out the window when he told me to.

What, Dad?

Oh, it's nothing, Captain.

Now, what's this?

Oh, this is supposed to be somewhere near
Okinawa or something.

The picture's going to be about the w*r.

Oh, so that's what it looked like.

Hey, that's me.

Why are they surprised?

You were there?

Yeah.

But all I saw was my room.

You too.

What's that, Ernie?

Oh, I had some film left over.

Sorry, just that.

It's a picture of a cat in a tree.

Yeah, but I don't see any cat, Ernie.

Well, he jumped out of the tree to chase a
bird, just as I took the picture.

It's a very good picture of a tree anyway, Ernie.

Well, I guess it took Ernie to show us where we've been.

That was perfect timing, Ernie.

Come on, stay where you are, folks.

We saved the best for the last.

Yeah, the hardest thing I ever did in my
life was keep my mouth shut for this.

Watch.

Steve, this is what you call hitting the air cold.

The titles and the rest of that junk comes later.

Oh, dear, it's Ernie.

Ernie, it's Ernie.

How did you... Oh, I can't believe it.

Dumb guy, eh?

Any of you men see a loco?

They say he has a house in these parts.

Una casa.

Which way is it?

And Charley.

Uncle Charley.

I can't believe it.

Great point, Charley.

Some point, eh?

Well, that's it.

The rest of the story is about other people.

Anybody want some chow?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

Well, okay.

How did you get here?

Wonderful, Ernie.

Well, Ernie, sounds like you and Uncle
Charley had a great time together.

Yeah, we had a bunch of long talks.

It's too bad he didn't have kids.

Well, Ernie, I'd say Uncle Charley does
have kids, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, you want to hear a neat story?

Sure, just so it doesn't run over into dinner.

Once upon a time, there was this dirty old
buzzard named Turk.

He and his fat old cousin opened up a restaurant.

He opened up a dance hall down by the water.

Dirty old buzzard and his fat old cousin
opened a dance hall.

Yeah, in the jungle.

Anyway, it was a pretty silly idea.

I just don't know how to dance.

Up next in TV Land, Charlie Callis guest
stars on The Munsters.

Stay tuned.

Up next in TV Land, Charlie Callis guest
stars on The Munsters.

Up next in TV Land, Charlie Callis guest
stars on The Munsters.

Stay tuned.

Up next in TV Land, Charlie Callis guest
stars on The Munsters.

Up next in TV Land, Charlie Callis guest
stars on The Munsters.

Up next in TV Land, Charlie Callis guest
stars on The Munsters.