08x27 - The Perfect Separation

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for watching.

Dad, did you just start reading the paper?

Yeah, just a minute ago.

Why?

Well, if it's all the same to you, we have... No, Rob.

This is your father's house.

Well, he won't mind.

I won't mind what?

Charley's special cheese dip.

Uncle Charley.

Uncle Charley, what's wrong?

You asked me to whip up some cheese dip for tonight.

Cheese dip?

Oh, Charley, you just jogged my memory.

You two are having company tonight.

That's right.

And you want me to clear out.

No, this is your house.

No, no, no.

It's our house.

You told me you were having company,
but I'm sorry I just forgot.

Well, if you need me, I'll be behind my
paper in the kitchen.

I just can't understand why other married
couples have trouble living with their families.

Dad's always been kind of special about things.

Just tell me when you two have finished
this fascinating conversation.

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Charley.

Here, let's put it over here.

Go ahead, taste it.

It looks good.

Mmm, it's great.

I can't thank you enough, Uncle Charley.

I'll say you can't.

Amazing.

Six people living in this house, and I'm the
only one that's figured out how to answer the door.

Hello, I'm Denise, and this is Larry.

Yeah, well, come on in.

Would you please tell Katie and Robbie we're here?

Hello, I'm Denise.

Katie, you're lovely.

I'm so glad you could come.

Robbie.

What's that all about?

Oh, that's how dear friends greet each other in France.

Oh.

Well, darling, aren't you going to kiss Katie?

Sure.

Americans are so afraid of affection.

You know, in France, men kiss each other.

Pardon me.

I just wanted to get a little pipe tobacco.

Well, you must be Robbie's father.

I feel as if I've known you for years.

May I?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, that's the way they say hello in France.

Oh.

Then you've been to France?

Denise is a psychology major.

Oh, I see.

Well, if you'll excuse me, it's been nice meeting you both.

By the way, I'm her husband.

Nice meeting you.

Oh, thank you.

You see the way that girl was dressed?

Well, a lot of kids dress that way these days, Charlie.

Sure, it saves money on the wardrobe when
you can just put on your husband's clothes.

But you can't always judge people by the way they dress.

Don't be too sure about that.

If somebody walked in here wearing a
straight jacket and a lampshade,

I'd figure there was something wrong.

Do you want that?

No.

I don't know if you two had the same trouble, but when
we were first married, we couldn't get any studying done.

I know.

There's so much to talk about.

Eventually, we scored a scientific breakthrough.

We proved that two people could write
two-term papers while holding hands.

Is that the kind of marriage problem that you worry about?

Studying?

Come on, Charlie, you've got me out of blitz.

Besides, you shouldn't be standing there listening.

Well, that makes me even with Denise.

Denise, I shouldn't be listening and she
shouldn't be talking.

Uncle Charley, can you do me a favor?

Yeah, you want me to get rid of it for you?

No.

Oh, I know Denise is a little unusual.

Well, she's really very nice.

Nice?

The day she's nice, you ought to sell tickets.

Katie, what was the favor you wanted?

Oh, I just wanted to know where the corporation game was.

We're going to play.

Well, Chip and Ernie had it last, I think.

Thank you.

Come on, Charlie, please.

Oh, honey.

And, intellectually speaking, it's that simple.

Katie said you wanted this.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

How are you?

I'm fine.

How are you?

Uh, Chip and Ernie, this is Denise and Larry Robinson.

How do you do?

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, I see you made your letter.

No, this is an old sweater of Robbie's.

Do you play basketball or anything?

I used to play in a high school team.

Well, maybe you can help me on Maggie.

You know, you and Robbie and me and Chip.

I'd be glad to.

Even if I can't make the Rose Bowl,
maybe I'll make the NCAA basketball finals.

A little luck and a lot of growing.

Oh.

Are you feeling badly because you lack
proficiency in sports?

I don't know, but I'm not very good.

You know what?

One day, you and I are going to have a nice long chat,
and I'm going to explain to you why sports aren't important.

Yeah, well, I'll sure look forward to that.

Uh, well, good night.

Ciao.

Oh, Katie.

Uh, corporation, anyone?

Oh, well, I didn't realize you were
serious about playing that game.

Oh, sure.

Oh, well, it's a children's game.

Do you have any other suggestions?

Charlie, uh, wouldn't you like to go to a movie?

I got a better show right here, and
it's recommended for adults, only.

This is the topper.

That fat-headed girl just started the game
where everyone tells everyone else off.

She calls it form of honesty.

They tell each other off?

Right.

Each one is going to tell the other what's wrong with them.

I wouldn't mind a shot at that game.

I could straighten that kid out.

This is your chance to really purge your mind.

Now, just start by telling Robbie just
what it is that you don't like about him.

Um, about Robbie?

I think we better not.

This could get out of hand.

Darling, Robbie can take it.

Are you sure you don't mind, Rob?

No, of course not.

That's the spirit.

You bite your pencils.

That's what you've been keeping locked inside you?

Well, it's very annoying.

You gotta take a pencil and there are
tooth marks all over it.

I'll watch it, honey.

It's really not that important.

Now that's just it.

It's not important.

Now look, you've taken psychology.

You know we all harbour aggressive traits
that love and hate go hand in hand.

You go deep into your deepest subconscious
and what do you come up with?

Pencils with teeth marks.

Okay, Denise, now it's your turn.

Show us how.

All right.

Well, for the two of you, there's the obvious.

I mean, you're both so dull.

Nice, but dull.

Always doing the same things.

I mean, well, you can't carry being clean-cut just so far.

You can carry rudeness too far, Denise.

Well, darling, this is the way to play the game.

I'm just the most honest person here.

Larry is, he's just too easygoing.

He'd walk a mile to get away from an argument.

Larry thinks that, that he can make the
world a better place by, by just smiling a lot.

Maybe it's because you're afraid to get really involved.

Or maybe, oh, and this is being really
honest, maybe it's because you're shallow.

Denise.

Oh, you think Larry feels badly?

Well, he doesn't.

Larry would never object to honesty.

He can take it, can't you, darling?

Sure.

Sure, I can take it.

And so can you, can't you?

Well, of course.

Candor will never bother me.

Good.

Because now I want you to sit back.

Because now it's my turn.

We don't want to play this game anymore.

No, right.

How about a game of checkers, huh?

Or bridge.

Bridge is a good game.

I'll go get the cards.

No.

No good old easygoing smile for everybody.

Shallow Larry wants to play Forum of Honesty.

Well, go ahead, darling.

And I'm going to prove to everyone that
honesty cannot hurt.

Honey, I'd honestly like to tell you that you've
been acting weirder and Wilder since we got married.

You used to be shy and sweet.

But all of a sudden you have to prove how adult you are.

But you're not adult.

You've been acting like a rude,
spoiled, stupid little child.

And if you don't cut it out, somebody's
going to drop a net over you.

Robbie, I think it's your turn now.

Denise, let's... Look, I don't have to be pacified.

I'm glad to know how Larry feels.

Well, it's obvious that we can't go on like this.

I guess a mature separation... Oh, come on now.

I think really this is getting out of hand.

If that's the way you want it... That's right.

That's just the way that I want it.

See you guys.

Thanks for the night.

See you.

Did those fatheads, uh, finally break up?

How'd you know about it?

Well, I, um...

I listened at the door.

You know, it's still hard for me to
believe they've actually separated.

Well, it's hard for me to believe they ever got married.

I don't see how that Denise kept her trap shut
long enough for the minister to get the words in.

Robbie and I thought we'd go talk to them.

I figured you'd come up with something.

Something like that.

It sounds like you don't think it's such a hard idea.

Hard idea?

You can get frostbitten from it.

But we feel responsible.

Look, the only thing that'll help is for
someone to really tell that girl off.

Maybe I can do that.

Okay.

What would you say to her?

I don't know.

I'd ask her to reconsider.

Yeah?

That's bound to snap some sense in her.

Now, don't forget to say please.

What they're doing is all wrong.

And like it or not, Rob and I are involved.

I feel the same way.

Katie, let's do this.

You have a talk with Denise, and I'll tackle Larry.

Why do I bother to give advice?

So after I left the library, I went to see
my psychology professor.

I didn't mention Denise's name.

I just asked him about the general problem.

What did he say?

Well, he said that when some people fall in love, they
build a wall around themselves so they won't be hurt.

Sometimes the wall can hurt more than anything else.

That's what he said.

Did he also say that Larry and Denise will
have to work this out for themselves?

You know, Kate, no matter how much you like people,
there are certain things you just can't help them with.

I think maybe you've taken on too big a job for yourself.

Oh, I know.

But they belong together.

They do.

Look who just came home from striking out with Larry.

What?

I didn't pull off any miracles with Denise myself.

Did it ever occur to anyone that Larry
might be better off without that kook?

Better get all those comments out of your system right now.

That kook will be here soon.

Oh.

Oh, no!

What's wrong?

Well, Larry's supposed to come over here tonight, too.

This isn't exactly the best time for a reunion.

You know, we've got two trains coming at
each other on the same track.

Hello, Larry Robinson, please.

No, no, no message.

Thank you.

He's already left.

Steve, it looks like we've got a reserve
seat at the train wreck.

Yeah.

Did you get a hold of Denise tonight?

Not a chance.

You know, it could be fate.

Maybe we can bring them together.

Boy, don't you people ever learn.

You do anything like that, and you'll make
World w*r I look like a Polo match.

Charlie, I think we've given enough advice around here.

Katie will do whatever she thinks is right.

You and I had better leave the b*ttlefield.

Okay.

Okay.

Tell her off.

Maybe tonight we should have another try
at Denise's forum of honesty.

There goes the bell for round one.

Charlie, now we did all the eavesdropping
we were going to do last night.

Can I even see which one's at the door?

No, you can't.

Oh, sit down.

Oh, boy, that's like having the picture
two blow out before the kickoff.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi, Larry.

You're right on time.

I thought you guys might want to go to the
movies or something.

No, we have to stay here.

Oh?

Why?

Because, because we just have to.

Larry, we can't kid you.

Katie invited Denise over.

When is she coming?

Any minute.

Then I'm clearing out.

But first, I got to say hello to Chip and Ernie.

I sort of promised them.

See, the guards move up and screen for the forward.

Me?

Yeah.

Hey, say, quit talking.

Charlie?

Say, Charlie, that's the other one.

Good.

We'll find out about it later.

Robbie.

Katie.

Thank you for coming over, Denise.

Well, I knew that you wanted to continue talking
about my problem, and I do feel that I owe you that much.

So, here I am.

Charlie, would you like a little more coffee?

No, thanks.

What's the matter with me?

I'm forgetting my manners.

I still got a lot of my cheese dip left.

Charlie.

I brought you some of my dip.

Thanks.

You mustn't play the servant, Mr. O'Casey.

You're the equal of anyone here.

Servant?

Servant?

Uncle Charley, take it easy.

No, I won't take it easy.

You need some plain talking to,
sister, and you're gonna get it.

You got a husband upstairs right now that
you should be getting on your knees to.

Because, honey, if it was me, I'd kick you
and those cookie ideas right out in the alley.

Uncle Charley, please.

Don't stop me.

I'm rolling.

Now, you're gonna quit all this psychology junk, and you're
going back to your husband while you still have a chance.

And you're gonna quit being a phony,
and you're gonna start being a girl again.

And if you don't, you're a bigger knothead than I
thought, and you ought to have your skull examined.

Now, do you go back to your husband?

Do you go back to your husband, or don't you?

Of course not.

What I am going to do is leave this house
and never come back again.

That's better.

What?

Charley, could I see you a minute, please?

Hello, Lawrence.

Hello, Dennis Hansen.

Come on, Denise.

Why don't you sit down for a minute?

Fine.

Actually, I'm very glad that Larry is here.

If we can't have a perfect marriage,
perhaps we can have a perfect,

sophisticated separation.

How about a nice round of forum of honesty?

I'll go first.

Well, go ahead, Katie.

I just hope you're as amusing as your uncle.

I spoke to Professor Stern today about you and Larry.

Not that it was really any of my business.

Well, someone had to do something.

I hope you won't mind what I'm about to say.

Well, it won't bother me.

We'll see.

First, I want to tell you that you've
always been warm and wonderful,

and that's why I like you.

Katie, this isn't the way to play the game.

Why?

Why?

Because you think it's only the rotten things?

The things that people don't talk honestly about?

Well, I'll tell you something that no one's been saying.

You love Larry, and he loves you.

Instead of enjoying it, you just pick it apart.

Maybe you can feel sophisticated about love.

Not me.

It makes me feel all lightheaded and just plain good.

If that makes me immature, then heaven
protect me from maturity.

I thought I'd only hear lectures in the classroom.

You know, just because you're all children doesn't...

The only thing is, you're right.

I...

I've been hating myself since last night.

I just hope that you can all forgive me.

Especially you, Larry.

Hey, where are you two going?

Well, we're going to go talk basketball, Larry.

I don't think Larry really wants to talk
basketball right now.

Well, he said he did.

We'll work out next week, okay?

Okay.

Maybe I'll even... Maybe I'll
even be a little taller by then.

Honey, have you ever thought about
becoming a marriage counselor?

That was my first and last case.

I'm not much of a speech maker.

Are you kidding?

That one you did in there is going to rank
with the Gettysburg Address.

Well, anyway, it worked.

It should have worked.

That girl must be sick.

Just... What was it you said to Denise?

Don't rub it in, Steve.

I blew the whole marriage.

Somebody must have said something.

Go on, take a look.

You see, Steve, you tell them off and it jars them loose.

Nothing psychological about it.

Just plain bellowing and common sense.

I should have hit her with a stick or something.

She'd have made up her mind a little sooner.

You know, Charlie, maybe you should hang out her shingle.

I was thinking about doing that.

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.

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