08x28 - Gossip, Incorporated

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Charlie, what are you all dressed up for?

How can you tell I'm dressed up from behind that paper?

I can just smell it.

Oh, yeah, that briny deep Cologne that Sally gave me for
Christmas is almost as strong as an upwind garbage scowl.

But she likes me to wear it when I take her out.

Oh, do you want the keys to the car?

No.

I think that's for me, Charlie.

Mr. Hoffman said he was dropping by.

Who's that?

He's the head of personnel out at Air Flight.

Hi, Steve.

Oh, hi, Sally.

It's good to see you.

Oh, thanks, Godot.

It isn't Mr. Hoffman.

Oh, I see.

We're using Sally's car tonight.

It's in good shape, except for the nut
behind the steering wheel.

Charlie, you're the nut.

Cashew!

We'll be home early, Steve.

Steve, Sally's car turns back into a pumpkin at midnight.

Good night.

Cashew?

Well, now, that has to be Mr. Hoffman.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Hoffman.

Hello, Steve.

Come right in.

Thank you.

Let me take your hat.

Thanks.

Come on, sit down.

Fellas, this is Mr. Hoffman.

These are two of my sons.

This is Ernie and Chip.

How do you do?

Hi, Ernie.

Come on, sit down.

Thank you.

Steve, I'm going to get right to the point.

I know you're new out here and you haven't
had a chance to get settled in your department.

But Everett Owens, who's been heading
up Air Flight's helicopter division, is retiring.

And I think you're the right man for the job.

Well, it's very flattering, Mr. Hoffman,
but... Hey, you've taken all the edge.

I like to do edge.

Well, so do I.

Fellas, could you hold it down a little?

Sorry, Mr. Hoffman.

Well, I thought you might have some
reservations about accepting the job.

That's why I came here to the house.

I didn't want you to think I was putting
official pressure on you.

Oh, no, not at all.

You see, I... Hey, that's a piece of my sky.

Oh, it isn't.

It's a part of my ocean.

Are you kidding?

Look, it's got waves in it.

That's clouds.

Now, fellas, why don't you play out in the kitchen, huh?

But, Dad... You just take the whole table out.

And close the door.

Now, where were we?

Well, I was offering you the job.

The job is head of Air Flight's helicopter division.

I'd like you to think it over.

Well, I'm thinking it over.

It's just a little out of my line, but... Well, if all the
conditions are right, I have a hunch I might accept.

Good.

First.

Husband never brought me to swell places like this.

Well, it ain't exactly the Ritz.

Oh, but the menus are very clean.

It was nice having the waiter call me ma
'am instead of Mac.

Anybody?

Anybody calls you Mac needs glasses in a hurry.

Charley, you say the sweetest things.

I mean it.

You're a lot of woman.

You know, if other men talk to girls the way you do, there
wouldn't be half so many guys being belted with frying pans.

I got respect for the other sex, which you are.

Charley, dear, would you mind calling the waiter, please?

A lady ain't supposed to raise her voice.

Oh, sure.

Hey, Mac.

Come here.

$4 a cup?

What I got left is worth money.

The lady needs a Bowser bag.

Yes, ma'am.

And would you mind putting in a couple of
slices of bread, please?

My dog likes sandwiches.

Confidentially, Jack, she ain't got no dog.

It's for her.

So use your fork.

Thank you.

Boy, Charley, you sure know how to handle waiters.

I want to tell you something.

You got class written all over you.

Oh, thanks, Charley.

I still say you should have worn your new
suit on your first day.

Boy, this suit looks all right, doesn't it?

Besides, I've already got the job.

Yeah, but you're going to meet a whole new crew.

Well, what's that got to do with it?

They're going to go over you like a year-end inventory.

By noon, they'll know more about you than
you know about yourself.

Oh, come on, Charley.

I suppose everybody is a little curious
about a new boss, but you're exaggerating.

You'll see.

Well, today's the day for the new boss.

The least they could have done was move somebody
up instead of bringing in some greenhorn out of left field.

Well, they'd never think of that.

That's too sensible.

You know, now that Owens is gone, I realize
he wasn't such a bad guy to work for after all.

No, he wasn't.

That isn't what you're using.

That's what he used to say.

He used to really steam both of you plenty.

Well, you know how it is.

By now, I do.

Come on, we haven't done that all day.

Poor Janet.

She's been crying ever since Mr. Owens left.

I shed a few tears myself, and I wasn't even his secretary.

Now, Mr. Owens was a doll.

If you like your dolls old and teensy and bald.

I wonder who they're getting to replace him.

Janet said it was some creep from the East named Douglas.

Pardon me, could you tell me where Mr. Owens' office is?

Mr. Owens is no longer with us.

I know.

Second door to the right.

Thank you.

That must be him.

Yeah.

Miss Ingram?

Yes.

I'm Stephen Douglas.

Oh.

Please call me Janet.

Welcome to the helicopter division.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

This is right in here.

Fine.

Well, it's very nice.

I'm glad you like it.

The girls chipped in for the flowers and
the men bought the plaque.

Oh, that was very thoughtful.

I hope you'll thank them all for me.

You made me feel very welcome.

I'm glad.

Who's that?

Mr. Owens.

Oh.

I was going to leave him here as an
inspiration for you, but I don't think you need him.

I don't think you need him.

Hello.

Mary, he's here.

I'll meet you at the water cooler.

Here's his personnel file.

Is he married?

A widower.

At last.

What do you mean, at last?

You're married.

Sure, but I get to watch the movie.

I get to watch the chase.

Well, here's his medical history and his x-rays.

Oh, the x-rays.

You never know.

Well, at any rate, he certainly isn't
anything at all like Mr. Owens.

Mr. Who.

Hi.

Airflies helicopter chief is home.

Hi, chief.

How'd it go, Des?

Oh, it went just great.

They welcomed me with open arms.

I had a bowl of flowers and a misspelled
name plaque on my desk.

How about it?

Yeah, everybody needs a misspelled name plaque.

Oh, it didn't make any difference, Charley.

It was the thought that counted.

Being head of the whole helicopter
division is very impressive.

That's a lot of responsibility.

It's not the responsibility that's going to sink them.

It's the deckhands.

Oh, come on, Charley.

You're just a pessimist.

Now, you said the first day was going to be
rough, and I got through it just fine, even in my old suit.

It must be fascinating to see how
helicopters are assembled.

Well, I'd love to see it.

Well, why don't you come out and go through the plan, Kate?

Could I?

Sure.

Robbie, I'll tell you.

Why don't you bring Kate out?

I've got the plan tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, I can't, Dad.

I've got an Army Reserve meeting tomorrow.

Oh.

But, Katie, why don't you come by yourself?

Sure.

Oh, well... Just tell the guards at the gate you're
Mrs. Robbie Douglas, and I'll take it from there.

Great.

Good.

I'll let them go and watch.

Listen, Charley, where else could you find
a girl who takes a cab to your house just

to make things easier for you, huh?

I give up.

Where else?

Oh, Charley, be serious.

Hey, where are we going to dinner?

Oh, you want to try the Hornet House?

The steaks are a little tough,
but the knives are real tough.

They're sharp.

They can even cut the gravy.

Oh, you.

And you're going to like Steve's car, too.

It's in such good shape, it could run over
a pedestrian all by itself.

Listen, I still say a guy with a sense of
humor like yours ought to be in pictures.

Oh, I was asked to make a picture once,
only I lost my crayons.

You know, you're about to ride in the car
of a very important man.

He's just been promoted.

You're kidding.

Oh, not me, Steve.

Oh, you didn't tell me about that.

Oh, well, you know me.

I don't like to brag, even if he has got
practically the best job in the whole plant.

What's his job going to be like now?

Oh, he's just head of the whole helicopter
division, that's all.

Oh, Charley.

You know, I always wanted to see one of
those whirlybirds up close.

Well, you might as well look at the best.

We'll go see some of Steve's.

Could we?

If you know the right people, you can do anything.

And I know the right people.

I'll take you there tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, Charley.

Charley, I'm a guy.

Oh, is that right?

You're on your way.

Yes, sir.

Hey, you can't go in there without a pass.

Pass?

Who needs a pass?

My nephew runs this joint.

Then he can go in.

Oh, wise guy, huh?

Well, let me tell you something, Buster.

Buster, you're flirting around with unemployment.

Charley, let's forget it.

The guy's got a job to do.

I will not forget it.

We came out here to look at whirly birds,
and we're going to look at whirly birds.

Look, you get on that phone and call Steve
Douglas' office and tell him Charley O 'Casey is out here.

Charley O'Casey.

If there's anything I can't stand, it's some
smart aleck phony pretending to be a big shot.

Oh, Charley, don't get a fight or anything.

Okay, I called.

Well, you took long enough.

Mr. Douglas' secretary never heard of you.

I don't claim to be related to her.

I told you to talk to Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas was out of the office.

Hey, did anybody ever tell you you look
like Brian Donlevy, honey?

Okay, Buster, I'll stay out.

But what are you going to do about Mrs. Douglas?

Mrs. Douglas?

Mrs. Douglas.

Charley!

Mrs. Douglas!

I said I'd get you in and that's what I'm doing.

I'll meet you at the coffee shop up the street.

Mr. Douglas' office.

Mrs. Douglas?

Just a moment.

Mr. Douglas, the guard says there's a Mrs.
Douglas at the gate.

Mrs. Douglas?

Oh!

Oh, tell him to send her right in, will you?

Send her in.

You go in now, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Janet just called.

Mrs. Douglas is on her way up.

We know.

What do you think we're doing out here?

Did you hear?

I couldn't care less.

I just came out for coffee.

Sure.

He just came out for coffee.

I thought you said he was a widower.

Well, you read the vial.

Boy, some guys will do anything to make
girls think they're single.

It didn't take long for Lady Douglas to
come check in on the secretary.

Maybe she came to measure his office for chintz curtains.

Like I said, I couldn't care less.

I just came out for it.

Hi, kids.

Where's Mr. Douglas' office?

Second door.

Second door to the right.

Oh, thanks, honey.

You got nice tees.

Hi, honey.

Good afternoon.

Mrs. Douglas?

Well, I, uh...

Hi, Steve.

Well, hi, Sally.

Surprise!

Yeah.

Is this where you hang out?

Yes, this is it.

Well, come on in, won't you?

Okay.

Some nut tried to get in without a pass,
but I got rid of him.

See you tomorrow.

Okay.

Mr. Douglas' office.

Mrs. Douglas?

Just a moment, please.

Mr. Douglas, the guard at the gate says
there's a Mrs. Douglas there to see you.

Well, tell him to send her in.

Yes, sir.

Well, that's the second time Katie's been
announced, so... Well, I guess you'll be here any minute.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm glad you two are going to be
able to take the tour together.

Oh, so am I.

She's a good kid.

Send her right in.

Did it ever occur to you females that one
of those Mrs. Douglas' could be his mother?

Why would a little old lady be coming to a
helicopter factory?

Maybe because her son works here.

Hi.

I'm looking for the powder room.

Steve can't stand females with shiny noses.

Down the corridor to your left.

Uh, Mrs. Douglas?

Thanks, sweetie.

Hmm, must be great coffee.

Sure draws a crowd.

She didn't bat an eye when I called her Mrs. Douglas.

Will you women stop that?

In fact, the other Mrs. Douglas is his mother.

It's as plain as the...

Hello, I'm Katie Douglas and... There.

Mrs.

Douglas?

Thank you.

What does that prove?

It proves he's got a lot of nerve.

You gotta admit, he cuts it pretty thin.

Back again.

I'll take it out on Joe Edwards.

He'll show you around.

I can't.

I'm so excited.

I've always wanted to see one of those horly birds.

Is that too much?

Listen, did it ever occur to you gossiping magpies
that one of those women could be the ex-Mrs.

Douglas?

If I got that close to my ex, why, she'd
turn my arm off right at the shoulder.

But you're all missing the point.

I ran the card through the...

I ran the card through the computer again, and it
said he's not married at all, not even to one wife.

He must have lied when he...

Well, I think we really ought to go back to work,
because we've been standing around here all afternoon.

Yesterday,

everything was great, but today, I don't know,
they seem kind of cold, and well, you know.

Who's they?

Well, my secretary and some of the staff.

Did Dad just get home?

Yeah.

How'd he like it today?

Shh, he's telling Uncle Charley.

Everything was all right this morning.

It was this afternoon that I noticed it.

Sit down and eat your grub.

Here.

Now, that's what you call thick soup or thin stew.

Either way, it's good.

Eat.

You know, Charley, I don't know how you
got off on the wrong foot like that.

I must have done something.

Sure you did.

You probably asked somebody to do a little work.

Oh, by the way, Steve.

I want to thank you for being so nice to Sally.

You know, I had to get a little tricky to
get her by the gate.

She tell you?

You know, Charley, maybe I should have gotten
them all together and made a little speech when I started.

Tell them they're all fired.

That'll stir them up.

Good night, Steve.

Good night, Charley.

Dad?

Yo.

We heard what you were saying about the plant.

Yeah.

The same thing happened to us, so quit worrying.

The same thing happened to you?

Oh, sure.

When you're the new kid at school,
everybody acts a little weird.

Yeah.

You get shot down all the time, until they get used to you.

You're just sort of the new kid at the plant, Dad.

I guess you're right.

I am the new kid at the plant,
and I certainly did get shot down.

But I appreciate you coming in, fellas.

Oh, night, Dad.

Good night, fellas.

Thanks.

Dad?

Yo.

Wasn't it neat the way Uncle Charley got
Sally past the guard?

Yeah, it certainly was.

So how did he do it?

He told the guard.

She was Mrs. Douglas.

Good night, Dad.

Well, I think we'll start the day off a little better.

Janet, would you come into my office,
please, and bring your book?

Yes, sir.

Well, this is to Mr. James Drake,
Eastern Division Air Flight.

You have the address.

Dear Jim, well, we're finally settled here in California.

As you probably know, I'm with the
helicopter division here, and I like it fine.

What you probably don't know is that,
uh, Robbie got married.

He met a California girl, and five weeks
later, she was Mrs. Robbie Douglas.

She's a lovely girl, very interested in aviation.

As a matter of fact, she, uh, came out to
the plant yesterday and took the tour.

Am I going to?

The other boys are fine, and, uh, Uncle
Charley is just the same, still up to his old tricks.

Yesterday, he passed off a lady friend of his
as my wife to get her past the guards at the gate.

Is something wrong?

No, nothing.

Chip is in high school, and, uh,
Ernie's growing right out of his britches.

He's wearing braces now and hates every minute of it.

And tr*mp, uh, tr*mp is our dog.

tr*mp is already the king of our neighborhood.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons.

Straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.

Coming up next, one more look at My Three Sons.

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