08x29 - The Masculine Mystique

[bunniefuu]

What he stole my girl from me, the only girl I've known,
my only friend, my only girl, and now I'm all a little old.

Hey, Uncle Charley, can Shorty stay for dinner?

My mom says it's okay, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, look, we're only having meatballs and spaghetti.

Well, that's okay.

I got some pills in case I get sick from eating weird food.

Oh, he's allergic.

But the pills work.

We won't have to call a doctor or anything.

Oh, well, thanks.

Okay, you can stay.

Me?

My buddies stole my girl from me.

Give me the pills.

I'll put them in here.

Is that the only song your uncle knows?

Uh-uh.

He knows a whole bunch of olden times songs.

Then how come he always sings this one?

I'm getting so annoyed by Hart, and I don't want to.

Yeah.

Well, what happens is, he starts singing
one song, and he can't get it out of his head.

Until somebody yells at him or something.

Are you willing to have to yell at him?

No.

Nobody around here is.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

Ah, hi, Steve.

Oh, where is everybody?

Gone to bed.

It's later than you think.

Yeah, it is at that.

Can I warm something up for you?

Oh, no, thanks.

I grabbed a snack out at the plant.

Anything new?

Oh, a couple of things.

Somebody threw some red socks in the washing,
and now you've got a couple of sets of pink underwear.

And we got an overnight guest upstairs.

Shorty again.

Yeah.

Ever since Ernie met that kid,
you can't pry him apart with a crowbar.

Oh, Charley, didn't you have a best friend
when you were a kid?

A friend who completely understood you?

Yeah.

And my mother was right.

He turned out to be a bum.

Well, maybe, but at the time, you could tell him anything.

Even your darkest secrets.

Every kid needs a friend like that.

Yeah, I guess.

But, uh, shorty.

Shorty's not a bad kid.

I made some rubbery meatballs for dinner,
and he ate them without a whimper.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Aaron.

Hey, what are you doing up?

It's a little late.

Yeah, what do you want?

Oh, shorty left his pills in the icebox.

Pills?

What pills?

Well, for when he gets sick from eating weird food.

You.

Might say rubbery meatballs fall in that category, Charley.

Hey, that's my car you're slamming around.

You know that girl that I was going with?

That Cora?

I guess so.

Now, Burt Foster just swiped her.

Hey, look at these boxing gloves shorty just got
from his uncle who lives all the way in New Zealand.

Yeah, he never remembers my birthday.

So he just keeps sending me stuff any old time.

How neat.

That's quite an uncle you have, shorty.

You know how to box?

Uh-uh.

You want to teach us?

Well, my sport is track, but I know a little about boxing.

Here, let me lay some ice.

Hey, Ernie, you better take off your
glasses in case you get jarred.

Yeah, here, I'll get them.

But no one's going to get jarred.

Boxing is mainly defense, footwork, and strategy.

Unless you're fighting somebody named Burt Foster.

Huh?

Nothing.

Have fun, you guys.

Hey, Chip, did you bust this lamp?

No.

What's eating you?

Remember that girl I've been going with?

Judy, Lucille, or Pat?

Cora.

Anyway, that creep, Burt Foster, swiped her.

He asked her to Anderson's Port for a root
beer when he knew I was going to ask her.

I've been over the seven seas,
and I'm telling you here and now,

there's nothing lower than the guy who
deliberately swipes another guy's girl.

You got my permission to belt Burt Foster.

Thanks, Uncle Charlie.

But Dad doesn't believe in people belting people.

Yeah, well, you leave your dad to me.

All right, now, keep on the move all the time.

What's going on out there?

Robbie's teaching Ernie and Shorty how to box.

How to box?

A lot of action.

Ernie, keep that left up there.

That's it.

Keep bouncing, keep bouncing.

I tell you, this is a sissy world.

He's got them two kids toe dancing.

All right, keep on the move all the time.

All the time.

Remember, a moving target is harder to hit.

What do you mean he's teaching them to toe
dance with boxing gloves?

He had them circling around out in front like
they were in a maypole dance or something.

I wanted to drop a Rose on them.

Well, Charlie, what do you expect them to do?

Slug it out?

Sure.

You know yourself.

If you're in a beef, a guy will
knock you through a wall while

you're tippy-toeing around and peeking through your hands.

The idea is not to get into a beef in the first place.

What else happened?

Just that you got to give Chip permission
to belt a kid named Bert faster.

He's the old Chip's girl, and you know
there's nothing worse than that.

Well, sometimes that's the best thing that can happen.

I'll have a talk with Chip.

Anything else?

Sure.

Guess who's sleeping upstairs?

Little Sir Permanent.

I'll bet his mother don't know what he looks like anymore.

You sure your brother hasn't hacked at me
for getting in his bed again?

Heck no.

He likes sleeping in the attic.

Boy, I don't know.

He looked at me real scary when I said I
was staying over again.

Yeah.

Well, he looks at everybody like that lately.

Ernie.

Yeah?

If I tell you something, will you remember
that we're blood brothers, not squeal anybody?

Okay.

Well, you know we need a mural that moved
in down the street?

Sure.

I'm taking her to the show tomorrow for
the Sunday matinee at the Jewel.

With your own money and everything?

Yeah.

Only a Sunday matinee isn't like Saturday.

It's sort of like she's going to be your girl.

I guess.

You think I'm dumb, Ernie?

Heck no.

There's a real neat picture playing at the Jewel.

Me and Chip are going.

Yeah, well, stay out of the balcony, okay?

I think I'm going to be nervous.

Okay.

Good night.

Good night.

And you, uh, actually want my permission
to hit him for a thing like that?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Shorty.

No kidding?

How come?

Boy, that's awful.

Yeah.

Well, I'll see you.

Some trouble, Ernie?

Yeah.

Shorty's mom.

He was making him go see his aunt when he
was all set to take a, uh, uh,

well, he was going to go see this neat movie.

Well, that isn't the greatest tragedy I've ever heard.

Now, getting back to you, Chip.

You talk it out with this boy and nothing else.

Do we understand each other?

Okay, Dad.

Hey, Chip, we better go if we're going to
see the coming attractions and everything.

You go, Ernie.

I'm not in the mood.

Hey, Dad, did you want to come with me?

It's neat.

It's all about a guy who dies and he comes back to life.

Only he's a crocodile.

Comes back as a crocodile?

Well, yeah.

And then he eats his best friend who's a crocodile hunter.

Everybody croaks in a typhoon.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

I sure hate to miss that one.

Well, a friend of mine is picking me up.

Okay.

I'll probably run into somebody, you know.

Oh, sure you will.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi.

Where are you going?

To the shop.

So am I.

My friend Shorty Gorfman was going to take
me, but he backed out.

Oh, he didn't back out.

He has to go somewhere.

Anyway, my mother doesn't like me walking
alone, so let's go together.

Let's go.

We don't want to miss the coming attraction.

But all we do is sit in Aunt Sophie's
living room and listen to her sing.

Besides, I've got something important to do.

Yes, dear, but you wouldn't tell me what that something is.

And I told you last week we were going to your aunt's.

Now come along.

Oh, no.

Yeah, well, forget it, Marvin.

And he goes...

And the guy falls off the edge of the thing.

And then the other guy acted like he didn't do anything.

And he lit his pipe and went and exploded
and blew his nose off.

Blew his nose off?

Well, I guess it did.

And there was a lot of smoking, Joe.

They don't like to show guys with their noses blown off.

Anyway.

For me, the only girl I've known, my only
friend, my only girl, and now I'm all alone.

Um.

I'd better go brush my teeth before Uncle
Charley creams me.

How come that kid's singing Uncle
Charley's song outside the window?

My only friend, my only girl, and now I'm all alone.

I don't hear nothing.

My buddy, he stole my girl from me,
the only girl I've known.

My only friend, my only girl, and now I'm all alone.

How come you're singing that dumb song
down there this time of night?

Ask Ernie.

He knows.

You might as well come back here, Ernie.

What happened?

How would Shorty do a stupid thing like that?

Well, he was going to take this girl to the show.

Only his mother made him go somewhere.

And then when I was walking to the show,
she grabbed me and walked with me.

The guy quit looking at me like that.

She paid her.

And when we got there, I ditched her.

Did you walk home with her?

Well, yeah.

Except she was waiting behind a tree and
she grabbed my arm.

I went out the back way and everything.

Then you did swipe his girl.

No, I didn't.

I don't even want her.

What could I do?

You should have said you decided not to go.

You could have said, suddenly you got a
muscle spasm in your neck.

Ernie, you don't go walking with another guy's girl.

Man.

Where are you going?

To brush my teeth.

Chip?

Hi, Dad.

You're home earlier tonight.

Yeah, I'm just about finished with the extra work.

Where's our buddy?

Uncle Charley's playing poker with
somebody he has to get even with.

Robbie and Katie have gone to a movie.

And Ernie's up in his room just sitting.

Why is Ernie up in his room just sitting?

Lately, he just goes up there and sits.

Could you hold up on the homework a minute, Chip?

Now, start at the beginning.

Why does Ernie go up to his room and...

just sit?

Shorty was going to take this
funny-looking little girl to the show.

Just the fact, sir.

Yeah.

I guess she isn't so funny-looking to them.

Anyway, he was going to take her to the show.

And he got himself trapped and didn't open up his mouth.

Shorty?

No, Ernie, Dad.

First thing you know, she was going with him.

I'm a little confused.

She was going with Ernie or Shorty?

Ernie, Dad.

You see, Shorty was going to take
this girl to... I think I have her now, Chip.

Say, uh...

What kind of marks are you getting in English composition?

I'm too okay, I guess.

Might have a little talk with your teacher.

Oh, by the way, have you had that talk with the foster boy?

No, not yet, Dad.

Well, why not?

We're not talking.

We're not talking.

Hi, Ernie.

Well, hi, Dad.

Say, uh, Chip tells me you're having some
kind of disagreement with Shorty.

It's more he's having a disagreement with me.

He said you took, uh, Shorty's girl to the show
because you couldn't think of any way to get out of it.

Shorty thinks I did it on purpose.

Well, did you explain to him how it happened?

Sure, every day at school.

But he, uh...

He still thinks you stole his girl, hmm?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He says he even has nightmares.

Well, Ernie, the whole thing sounds a
little silly, don't you think?

Well, you think so, and I think so.

But even Chip and Uncle Charley think I'm a crumb.

Oh, no, they really don't.

Now, look, Ernie, when you're wrong,
I'm the first one to tell you.

But you can take my word for it.

You're not wrong this time.

It just sounds as if Shorty's a little too
dramatic for his own good.

Right.

And if you won't accept your explanation, why, uh...

Well, I just think he's, uh, stubborn and
self-centered and unfair.

Don't you agree?

Right.

So, Ernie, I, uh...

I think the best thing you can do is just
cross him off your list.

I can't do that.

Why not?

Well, he's my best friend.

Well,

he's sitting out there on a Saturday
morning with nothing to do.

You know, this is all your fault.

Me?

What did I do?

Well, you're so full of rules and regulations on
the care and... and feeding and swiping of girls.

Ernie thinks he's done something terrible.

Well, just the same.

He shouldn't have taken her.

Chip, how sharp were you with girls at his age?

You know, I... I seem to remember you
giving away your bike to a Helen May somebody.

Because you forgot how to say no.

You can't have it.

Well, my mouth went dry.

Maybe that happened to Ernie.

Maybe I better go talk to him.

Here comes Shorty.

Maybe everything's all patched up.

Hi, Shorty.

Hi, Ernie.

John, you know Douglas.

Yeah.

He's about to need a marrow from you.

Yeah.

I didn't swipe anybody.

Okay.

Hey, where are you going?

My chain busted, so we're going down to
the bike guy to get it fixed.

We'd ask you to come, only my mom says
we'd better quit being friends.

You told your mom?

I had to.

She was about to haul me off to the psychiatrist
on account of the nightmares I was having.

So long, Ernie.

Ernie.

What that shorty needs is a good object lesson.

Maybe I'd better go out there.

No, you'd better not.

Hey, shorty, will you give me a hand?

Sure, Mrs. Douglas.

Thanks.

If you help me to the door, I can manage from there.

Okay.

What's.

Going on here?

Shorty's helping me with my groceries.

Oh, he is, is he?

Are you aware that she's a married woman?

Huh?

She's my wife.

Now, why are you carrying her groceries?

She asked me to.

What's that got to do with it?

I think you'd better come in the house with me.

What's he trying to do, Rob?

Swipe your wife?

He claims that Katie asked him to carry her groceries.

Well, I really did do.

Hey, are you trying to break up my home?

Guy, heck no.

He asked me and all I did was go and help her.

Don't you know Robbie could get nightmares
from something like this?

Hey, this is just like what Ernie did, isn't it?

I mean, this is why you're getting mad at
me and everything.

Shorty, you're a pretty smart kid.

The exact same thing happened to Ernie,
and he couldn't think any faster than you did.

Yeah, well, your mouth kind of gets dry and everything.

Well, the lesson's over.

You can go now.

If you promise never to chase my wife again.

Yeah, well, okay.

Where's Ernie?

I think I saw him go around back.

Ernie!

Hey, Ernie!

Ernie, keep that left up there.

Ernie could come in with an overhand right that way.

What?

Whose brother are you, anyway?

Come on, come on.

Hi, Jimmer.

Where are you off to?

My Anderson's porch.

With Cora?

No.

I had that little talk with Bert Foster, like you said.

We both decided she was playing us against each other.

Hey, Shorty.

You better keep your lats up, Ernie.

They'll clip you good.

But, boy, everybody in my family wants to
see me get creamed.

Come on.

Hey, I see.

Oh, thanks, Ernie.

Well, I see the Ballet Rouge is giving another performance.

Lemonade break, you guys.

Here, Shorty.

I think maybe you'll see a little more
action in a minute, Charley.

That is known as the masculine mystique.

You've heard of the feminine mystique?

Sure.

But what is a masculine mystique?

Oh, it's very simple.

Showing off for a girl.

Oh, sure.

You guys, please.

She's gone.

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.

I'm Bobby Joe.

I'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.