08x30 - The Tire Thief

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Charlie.

Oh, hiya, Steve.

Can I fix you some eggs?

No, I'm going to have breakfast with a
couple of fellas out at the club.

I think I will have a cup of coffee, though.

The paper says there's been some robberies
in this neighborhood.

Yeah, I heard that on the news last night.

Okay, Gordon, you're captured.

You didn't get me.

I did, too.

It's squirt g*n season.

Yeah.

Hey, if you've got time, can you drop me off at the store?

I've got a lot of shopping to do.

I would be very happy to, Charlie.

Oh, Steve, I've got a couple of messages for you.

What were the messages, Charlie?

Chip is playing tennis with some girl,
and Robbie says not to forget about the

lecture on the psychology of the teenager
at the university today.

Well.

Steve, you act like those messages didn't thrill you.

Take your coffee, sir.

Okay, Gordon.

Clifford nailed you this time.

I can see the whites of his eyes.

Let him have it.

Aye, aye, sir.

Your troops are really in for it now.

I just ran out of mercy.

It's still not fair, Gordon.

Your g*n has about a billion times more range than ours.

They don't call me squirt g*n Gordon for nothing.

Oh, Steve.

You want me to lock the door in case those crooks show up?

Oh, I don't think so, Charlie.

It's daylight.

And Ernie's around here somewhere.

Here comes some more international jewelry things.

We're going to let you go this time.

But you better start staying out of our territory.

Where did that come from?

Ernie, if you're going to play up in that
tree, be careful, huh?

Okay, Dad.

How did you know they were up there?

Father Lee instinct, Charlie.

The odds are against them, but old Gordon pushed
the whole entire other army out of their camouflage.

Look, Gordon, you can talk all day about
how you're going to stand a single-handed,

but when you've got a better squirt g*n, it's cheating.

Yeah, cheating.

Why don't you quit whining about it and go
buy one like mine?

Money doesn't go growing on bushes, Gordon.

They got them right down at Uncle Marvin's toy store.

Okay, I'll give you ten to hide.

Then I'm tracking you guys down.

One, two, three.

Quick, let's hide in the fort.

Okay.

Okay, I know you guys are in there.

Admit I'm king of the squirt g*ns.

Come on, the power's going right to his head.

If he soaks this shirt anymore, I'll cream him.

Open the door.

Okay, Gordon, you're king of the squirt g*ns.

Okay, I'll go easy on you.

Hey.

Hey, what?

Look at all this neat junk.

Hey, yeah.

Maybe we could sell something and get a
couple of g*ns like Gordon's.

Don't tell me I can go sell our lawnmower.

I'd get punished until I was about 37.

Hey, wait.

Look at those tires.

We'll get taken down to the gas station
and sell them to old Skinny Henderson.

Who's old Skinny Henderson?

He's some young fat guy who buys tires.

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe somebody in my family wants to use them.

Ernie, when you use tires, you put them in
a car, not in a wall.

Come on, Ernie.

But I got this criminal feeling.

You want a squirt r*fle, don't you?

Well, yeah, but look.

They barely got any threads on them.

Nobody can use them until they get rethreaded.

My dad says that all the time.

No kidding?

Sure.

It's not safe to have worn threads in your tires.

You'll be doing your folks a favor.

Maybe save their lives, even.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

You coming, Ernie?

Yeah, I guess.

I still can't believe it.

Old Skinny Henderson.

Handed over the money, just like that.

Yeah.

Only would he do that if the tires were no good?

Ernie, will you quit worrying?

You'll probably save your folks' life.

Plus, you did your dad another favor by
clearing out some of the stuff in his storage room.

Yeah.

Hey, let's go survey the country for spies and stuff.

Okay, you guys.

You're in big trouble.

That's right, officer.

Two car tires missing from our storage room.

Yeah, well, they weren't worth much.

But a firehouse looks like an easy Mark to them crooks.

They might hit us again.

Thanks a lot.

I'll be watching for you.

We ought to challenge those guys on the next block.

With this kind of equipment, we can drench
their brains out.

How about going over and soaking up our
ancestors for a while?

Hey, why don't we get our yo-yos and
practice around the world?

I forgot.

What's wrong with you, Ernie?

First you're happy about your squirrel
g*n, now you're acting funny.

I keep thinking about the tires.

Ernie, if you start worrying about
everything this young, you're going to

have gray hairs before you get out of junior high.

Let's get him to the lookout tower.

Keep low.

See?

I knew something would happen.

There's a tank.

It's a police car.

Hey, look.

It's coming right in my driveway.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm Officer Perkins.

Are you the party that registered the robbery complaint?

Yes, officer.

I'm Charley O'Casey.

Robbery complaint?

Some tires were stolen from that storeroom over there.

Now, would there be any reason for a member of your
family to have taken the tires without your knowledge?

No.

They would have told me.

We have to assume it was a robbery.

That's right.

Now, officer, I have to leave the house
again and do some more shopping.

Do you think it'll be safe?

I'll be patrolling the area looking for
the suspects, Mr. O'Casey.

I'll also alert the rest of the on-duty
men to keep an eye out.

Good.

Can I drop you someplace?

Yeah.

I still got to go to the cleaners.

Come on.

Yeah.

Say, you got a sign?

I could hang out the window that says I ain't a prisoner?

You won't get it, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, I sure hope you get those crooks.

People who swipe tires are a menace to the community.

We're a menace to the community.

Wait a second.

You and Clifford are a menace to the community.

I didn't sell those tires.

But you were talking me into it.

If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

This is no time to talk smart, Alcabord.

Oh, boy.

I'm getting out of here.

I'm getting out of here.

You guys are fugitives.

Thanks for sticking with us when we need you, Gordon.

Oh, boy.

Clifford, would you quit saying that?

This is the kind of thing we've got to tell
somebody about before it gets too horrible.

Who are you going to tell?

My mom.

Well, how come?

Because my dad would blow his top.

What's your mom going to do?

What do you know?

But she blows her top.

She blows her top slower.

Plus, she feels sorry for me, usually.

What are you going to tell your mom?

I haven't got one.

Oh, boy.

I'll see her, Ernie.

Hey, Clifford.

Yeah?

Do you think it would be okay if I
borrowed your mom for a few minutes?

Sure.

Say that again, Clifford?

We're wanted men.

Clifford, I haven't got time for pretending right now.

I'm not trying to get attention this time, Mom.

It's true.

I make up stories a lot.

This is a real-life mess, Mrs. Crawford.

All right, now.

Tell me exactly what happened.

Well, we're scared, so the story's gonna
come out slow, Mom.

So then we came here.

Ernie doesn't have a mom, so he came, too.

I see.

Clifford, I want you to go to your room now.

Can I stay in there until after you tell Dad about it?

March!

She's real mad, so if you want to look sad, it might help.

Clifford!

Good luck, Ernie.

It's a very serious matter, Ernie.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry I can't be more help,
but I think you'd better go home right now

and tell someone in your family before it gets any worse.

Yes, Mrs. Crawford.

I'm sorry.

Katie?

Hi, Ernie.

Well, if I'm bothering you, I'll see you later.

No, you never bother me.

I got this feeling I'm going to start.

Something on your mind?

Oh, boy, yes, sir.

Well, you can tell me about it if you'd like.

Well, you see, Gordon had the screw g*n
and me and Clifford didn't.

So we took the tires and got the money
from old Skinny Henderson.

Ernie, just a minute.

You hate me already, right?

No, he's just talking too fast.

Now calm down and start again.

Well, we took these tires off the wall in the storage
room and sold them to the guy in the gas station.

Now take your time.

And then Uncle Charlie came home and he
thought some professional cooks took the tires.

So he called the police.

Oh, dear.

I was an amateur kid and now I'm a professional gangster.

And the police are looking for me.

I'm real scared.

Yeah, I can see why.

When Dad and Uncle Charlie find out,
am I going to get creamed?

And then I'll probably go to a
penitentiary and I'll get in real trouble.

Ernie, come here.

You poor sweetheart.

Now, don't worry.

Everything's going to be okay.

Come on.

I'll talk to Dad.

I'm sure he'll understand.

You let Katie take care of it.

You feel better, honey?

Ernie?

I got something in my eye.

Thanks a lot, Katie.

So that's the story, Dad.

This is a woodshed situation if I ever heard one, Steve.

Well, I'm going to have to do something about it.

Well, you shouldn't go sparing the rod in this case.

I don't like to butt in on family policy,
but maybe you should go easy on him.

It seems the other boys sort of talked him into it.

Well, that's really not an excuse.

But thanks for filling me in, Katie.

I'll have to do a little thinking on it.

Do you know what Dad's doing?

What?

He's letting me sort it out.

He doesn't do stuff like that.

No.

Nobody in the family ever did what I did before.

He still doesn't do that kind of stuff.

Katie told him about four hours ago.

So?

Well, so he's letting me sweat it out.

And think over everything.

And get feeling awful.

Dad doesn't play those kind of games.

I know he's going to walk in here and say,
Ernie, I think we better have a talk.

And when he does, you ask him if he's
letting me sweat it out.

He probably just went to bed.

Come in.

Ernie, I think we better have a talk.

See?

Dad, have you been letting Ernie sweat it out?

Oh, I wouldn't put it exactly that way, Chip.

What does that mean, Jeff?

Chip, this discussion is between Ernie and me.

Now, Ernie... I really let you down, huh, Dad?

Well, I say you let yourself down, Ernie.

The reason I haven't talked to you about this until
now is that I wanted to give you a chance to mull it over.

Well, if that's another way to say sweat it out, I was
just telling Chip I was teaching him my lesson real perfect.

Well, I'm afraid I can't let you off with
just a lecture, Ernie.

You took the tires, and, uh...

you're gonna have to take your punishment.

I'm gonna go out of the room.

Don't hit him too hard, Dad.

He's just a little squirt.

I'm scared.

Because you never did this before, Dad.

But I deserve the spanking.

I'm ready whenever you are.

Katie?

Just a minute.

Just a minute.

Wow, it wouldn't bother you.

If only Dad came to my room.

What's going on?

What happened?

Well, he didn't spank me.

But he said he was gonna make me do something tomorrow.

And he wouldn't tell me what it was.

The more I think about it, the worse I can't sleep.

Well, let's look at it this way.

Your dad's a fair man.

And whatever it is he has in mind will be
for your own good.

Yeah.

Every time something's for my own good,
it's not my favorite thing.

Look, honey.

You know your dad loves you, don't you?

Well, sure.

Doesn't that mean anything?

You mean because he loves me, he won't
wreck me or anything?

That's about it.

Make sense?

Hey, yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Good night, Katie.

Good night.

Good night.

What?

You sure you don't want to smack me or something?

This is the only way now.

Go on.

Yes, Sergeant, sir?

Yes, young man?

I'm Ernie Douglas, the tire thief.

Would you like to go on?

Well, excuse me if I'm not real good at confessions.

That's all right, son.

Oh.

I took these two tires from my storage room.

And my Uncle Charley thought some burglars
did it, so he called you guys.

Well, that's Mr. Charles O'Casey.

Yes, I took the call myself.

And then when the policeman got there,
I could have told him I did it.

Mm-hmm.

But I was too chicken.

Do you want me to sign anything?

No.

Are you going to throw the book at me or something?

Ernie, you know what you did was wrong.

Yes, sir.

The fact that a patrol car had to be sent to
your house could have been much more serious.

No kidding?

What if that patrol car was needed in another emergency?

Yeah.

I guess I did sort of a false alarm.

That's right.

Why?

I didn't even think of that.

I'm even sorrier than I was before.

And I was real sorry in the first place.

Ernie, you know you did cause some trouble
all the way around.

Yes, sir.

But I think there's a local technicality
that says an object removed from the

premises of a party who also lives at the
premises by that same party is ipso facto

less damaging than what the object removed
from extra familiar premises.

Huh?

It means we'll overlook it this time.

Why, thanks a lot, sir.

You know, it took a lot of courage for you
to come down here like this.

I appreciate it.

I guess you already know that's my dad standing back there.

Yes, I do.

You probably ought to appreciate him, too.

He felt whispered up.

I've been thinking about all I've been through.

You know what was real neat?

Be quiet.

Oh, Katie.

Boy, she sure helped me a lot.

It's the middle of the night.

If you've got any problems you want to
talk about, take them from me.

Talk to Katie.

You got any problems?

Yeah.

I can't go to sleep.

I got one.

I better go see what she has to say.

The middle of the night.

Katie.

Hey, Katie.

Just a minute.

What is it, Ernie?

I got this new problem.

Why don't you tell me about it?

What?

Look, there's this kid at school that
always tries to take my milk money.

Somebody's got to be.

You've got to be kidding.

You know what?

What?

I think we finally got ourselves a mother.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons
straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.

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