01x05 - Where's My Bacon?

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult themes.

Why aren't you picking up, Mam? All
right? I've been calling all morning.

If you're alive, pick up, will ya?

And, also, if you're alive, Mam,

do you want me
to get some milk for ya?

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

ANGELIC CHOIR

With kind regards from f*cking...

Oh, what's the f*cking name?

..from Lennie!

f*ck's sake! Kango, mate!
We're family man!

You're, erm...
You're me second cousin, man!

I'm not your f*cking second cousin!
I'm your f*cking first cousin,

once removed!
Or are we half cousins?

Me nan is, is, is...
..is your great nan.

Yeah, she's me great nan, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

But she's married to her cousin.
Right.

And then my cousin is your
cousin's cousin.

So I'm... Your cousin's cousin's
your f*cking cousin.

Which is my f*cking cousin. Which
means I'm your f*cking cousin.

Yeah?! Oh, f*ck, mate.
Here's the f*cking thing.

Now, I'm sorry, cuz,

but you're going to have
to kiss your teeth f*cking goodbye.

Listen, listen! It's me first day,
man, as a legit charity man.

Ahh! Me first f*cking day, man.
I'm done with crime.

You are? Yeah, I'm done with it.
I'm retired, man.

I swear, yeah...

Look, man, look!
It's a f*cking dog with flipflops!

It's a f*cking what?
See ya later, cuz!

See you in a bit.

It's a lovely day out.

I think I'll go and wash the car.

Sit down, Dad.

Might even check me tyre pressure.

Just sit down.

We never talk about anything.

We bury it,

and then fill awkward silences

drinking tea.

BOTH SLURP

That is cold.

That's because I made it yesterday
and forgot to wash it up.

SHE SPITS TEA BACK IN THE CUP

You were right.

Pat and Ewen were using me.

They were cuckoos

and I was their tit.

But it's over.

It's not over!

We're gonna carry on

selling loads of spice.

And the gummy bears,

I know they're marijuana.

They use them bears to hook you,
to control you,

Nobody is being coerced

into taking drugs.

"Not fit for human consumption".

Are they humans, though?

And your friends at the charity,
were they also...

..y'know, was Harry?

Tit. Hope?

Tit. The angry drunk fella?

Brought in to be a tit.

Even the sweet lad with the van?

Minibus. Tit.

Oh, Mas, look. Buns.

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Cos of your diabetes?
I ain't got diabetes.

Really?

I thought we all had a thing.
I thought yours was...

What about the flapjack man
and his mum?

They are gone.

Is me mam here? Mam!

Why do you look like

a disgraced UKIP candidate?

Mam! Mam! Where's your other sock,
mate?

Couldn't find it.

I thought I'd dress like a normie,
doing normie work.

Anyways, me mam's nan's cousin
Kango

just threw me in't back of his van
and tried to steal me teeth.

Why are you criminals

obsessed with removing bits
of each other?

We've been f*cking about on
Lennie Kennedy's turf, right?

We all need to get out of town now.

Mas, mate, tell her,
somebody's about to get stabbed.

Nobody's going to get stabbed,
all right?

We're about to be gone, like that!

Like what? Like...

Like... ..that!

Dead. Harry?
We all love Harry, don't we?

Yay! Yay, we love Harry!

We f*cking love Harry!

Yeah, dead! Like that.

I think we need to tell him.
Tell me what?

We have been selling spice
in addition

to your cocaine across Bracklington
for the past 33 days.

Surprise!

So the charity, it's legitimate?

Totally.

We're doing so well,

we're actually expanding.

This is so, so f*cking bad.

You lot,
man, you're not suited to violence.

A nutter who smells like me nan's
bathroom carpet,

haunted Greta Thunberg,

a genuine legend

and Minibus f*cking Masir,

who's way more into minibuses than
he is g*ng warfare.

Er, he is right.
I'm not very keen on g*ng warfare.

I'm f*cking quitting, yeah?

K-W-I-T!

I'm done.
f*ck off

and let me deal my spice!

You! See you? Dead!

Dead! Dead!

Mam, dead!

Like that.

Mam...

Right, I need to go

cos my smoking
hot girlfriend

is outside.

This was good.

We should talk more often.

No more secrets.
No more sneaking around.

No. Hmm.

I'm going to need a disguise.

CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY

Right, come on.

f*ck, f*ck!

Len's hardest foot-soldiers are
already watching us.

And mam still ain't picking up.

I need to get t'boozer, man.

To talk to my sister?

Yeah, and get me g*n. sh*t, man.

How do I get past that absolute
brick shithouse, eh?

Ah, I have a plan.

I was thinking,
we might go away for a few nights.

Soho House has opened a new place at
the pumping station in Outstray.

It's called "The Pumping Station"?

Isn't that a bit,

"ooh, matron"?

No, it's called Soho House.

I thought we could go there
and have sex.

Oh, really?

Great. Yeah!

Erm, smashing.

So, your dad's a bit poor then?

Erm, no. No,
I think he's relatively well off.

Daddy! Kayla.

Hi, Joanna. And you must be Emily.

Yes, hello. Shoes off, please.

Daddy's got OCD. Undiagnosed,
but we all know it's there.

There's some house shoes you can
borrow just there, in that ottoman.

Oh, like slippers.

What? They're entirely different
to slippers.

Are they?

Yes. They are. They're house shoes.

Anyway, that lamb has been in
the slow-cooker

with half a bottle of
Beaujolais since 4am.

I don't like wine-based jus!

The tannins make my throat tight.

And lamb, Daddy? Really?
HE GROANS

Wow.

Come on, ladies. Follow me.

Is your dad famous?

I feel like I know him.

He's just got one
of those big faces.

Though he did once feature on
an episode of Rogue Traders.

Oh, yeah. That'll be it.

SHOPKEEPERS BELL RINGS

Ta-dah!

f*cking hell. I look like me nan.

Nah. Man, you look sexy.

Did I say me nan ain't sexy?

OK! So, I've been thinking

about how to spend my share of
the money.

Are you thinking of investing in
a pension?

Don't do it fella, it's a f*cking
pyramid scheme.

Actually,
I was going to propose to Carl.

We're going to Liverpool to pursue
my dreams, directing Hollyoaks.

Who the f*ck's f*cking...
WHISPERS: ..Carl?

My boyfriend. f*cking hell, mate!

You kept gorgeous.
Carl quiet. Hey, congrats, man.

He works in Sainsburys.

And, oh, he's extremely handsome.

Does he know how you're going to
pop the old down-on-one-knee,

no-more-shaggin-about?
I don't think so.

Oh, erm, how do you think
I should ask him?

Just look at him,

right eyeball to right eyeball,
and say,

"Fancy it?
Marriage an' all that sh*t?"

Oh, no! Sorry, ladies.

I thought you were some...
..drug dealers.

Thank you.

HE MOUTHS

Jojo Rabbit! Oh, you know I don't
love that nickname.

It reminds people of Nazis.

Are you still pursuing
the recorder?

No, I'm just carrying it round as
an accessory.

I've got my Grade 2 tomorrow.

Hello. I'm assuming that
you're Jo's sister

and not a tiny little waiter?

So tell me, how did you guys get
together? I love a meet-cute.

Emily works for my charity.

Just don't tell the boss.

But I am the boss.

It's my charity.

Wait a minute.

How about you two?
How did you meet?

Well, it was at my gym.

Weights weren't the only thing
he picked up that day.

I also picked up her number.

HE CHUCKLES

"April 2013, Gangland's Boss's
Daughter Kidnapped."

And two months later to the day,
he made me Mrs Lennie Kennedy.

You all right?

Ta. Sorry. Erm...

it went down the, the wrong hole.

Lennie Kennedy's her old man!

Don't worry, love.

I'll get our Emily
out of this mess.

Did you, erm, take his name?

Yeah, we're sticklers
for tradition in this house.

Tradition and 45 second
cold-water showers.

It's straight to the point,

efficient and the environment wins.

I took Mummy's name.

Don't mention that
f*cking wh*re mummy!

Princess put me off my tartare.

Right. Well, OK, now I-I think

we're ready for the
family talent show.

Eh?
SHE SQUEALS

Sorry, what?

My little dumpling.

Meine Liebling.

# You're my little

# Chu-chi face

# My coo-chi, coo-chi, woo-chi
Little chu-chi face

# Every time I look at you
I sigh... #

I just need to...
# And you're my little

# Teddy bear... #
Rarrr!

# ..My lovey-lovey-dovey
Little teddy bear... #

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

# ...You're the Apfel strudel
Of mein eye. #

We get in there,
keep our heads down,

and wait for Mam. Get Daphne,
lie to Leo and leave Brack forever.

Let's hope the world is ready for

Ewenetta and Downston Abby.

Just a couple of 86-year-old ladies.

Right, listen.
If they tackle us...

strangle 'em with your stockings.
OK.

You b*stard!

Look at that. What a twat.

Move it! Nana needs her gin.

There you go, love, yeah?
Hurry up, dear.

All right, no problem.
Mind how you go, yeah?

Go on, you are pulling it, pal.

Bless 'em.

Harry, Ewen. The usual?

RINGING
Where are you, Mam?

Bingo! Me other sock!

Oh, no! Me sock!

MUFFLED GROANING

Pat.

HE GROANS
Gag me back up!

I'm not being saved by
a b*stard grass!

How long have you been here?

None of your f*cking business!

Has that b*stard cooked me bacon?!

Cos it smells like he
f*cking has!

Wait right here.

Has that b*stard booked my bacon?!
Just tell me!

# Together we're a chu-chi
Coo-chi, woo-chi, goo-chi

# Ooh-chi
Coo-chi

# Ooo-chi, coo-chi
Chu-chi pair! #

Oh! We'd thought you'd fallen in.

Fallen in? Daddy, I find your
comment quite ableist, actually.

Oh, my sincerest f*cking apologies.

Well, your next, as our guest.

Really?

Please. Take the floor.

Go on, Em. Yeah,
show us your skills.

Erm, OK. I've got one.

It's a Tongue Twister.

Oh! Mm!

How much foot could a foot fish suck

if a foot fish could suck feet?

Oh, OK.

I know who you are.

Do you? I mean, even I don't know
who I am so...

The Raleigh Tristar 3-Speed trike.

I fixed your flat tyre. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, you did actually.

Thanks.

My turn, Daddy.
Yeah, please.

Ahem!
PLAYS RECORDER OFF-KEY

She does this a lot.

Small bladder.
It's part of her disability.

Hey! Hey!

Stop moving.

It's the nerve damage
from the b*stard MS!

Well, you stop shaking!

It's my b*stard CP!

f*cking hell!

Someone's going to lose a finger.

I'm off to fetch me bacon!
Don't. Oh, f*ck.

Where do you think you're going?

I need some air.

I feel a bit queasy.

Right. Well, don't puke
on my gravel.

Absolute nightmare
to clean is that.

Oi!

Argh!

I'll have to clean those
f*cking house shoes now.

Sorry about that.

Just leave them there and get
another pair when you come in.

I can't believe that worked.
They've gone.

So, what now?

We keep a low profile, right?

And we wait for Mam.

We should definitely keep our
heads down.

Yeah, yeah, defo, yeah.

# Turn around

# Every now and then I get
A little bit lonely

# And you're never coming round

# Turn around

# Every now and then I get
A little bit tired of listening

# To the sound of my tears
Turn around

# Every now and then I get
A little bit nervous that

# The best of all the years
Have gone by

# Turn around
Bright eyes

# Every now and then
I fall apart... #

Wait, wait, wait.
What, what, what, what?

We did it a bit too early. What?

A little bit too early. Oh.

You know, I'm going to have to leave
Brack again. For good this time.

Are you going to tell Leo?

I could just tell everyone I've died

and that's why I'm not around
any more. Oh.

Oh. I didn't know Women's Institute
was meeting today?

And, er, what can I get
for you two lovely ladies?

Erm...

I'm off to, erm...

Not here.

I guess you want to know why
I'm dressed like Nora Batty.

Can I tell you later?

Cos, well, erm...

Thing is, I...

I... I love...

how you are with Dwayne.

Right, right. Yeah, me too, man.
Yeah.

And...

my brother.

If I were to go away again...

..would yous come with me?

f*ck!

Oh, f*ck.

Anyone for cheesecake?

MUSIC: Theme to The Bill

They can take away the crime,

but they'll never take away
the memories.

Rampton high security hospital.

Remember when you found that razor
blade in your mashed potato?

Dovegate and Full Sutton.

Full Sutton, yeah.

That guy with mental health
came at you with his kettle.

Full of sugar, yeah. He were going
to throw it all over you...

All over me head, cos
the sugar sticks and...

Yeah, and it burns your face
off, right?

But he'd forgotten to put water in.

Came out like a brick of treacle.

You need to tell him the truth.

I will.

Usual, Em? Yeah. Thanks, Maz.

Ewen, I'm a grass.

Back at school,

I told them that

you started the fires,

that's why I didn't get
into trouble.

I know.

I've always done.

Look, it's fine.

If it weren't that,

I would've been done for something
else. k*lling a dog or something.

I k*lled a dog when we were nine.

And you were right.

We should stop now,

go legit before someone gets hurt.

Hey. Hey! You found me mam!
You all right, Mam?

Hey! Yeah, she's all right.
Nice one.

Yeah, she's all right.
Er, vodka tonny, Mam?

Please. As you're asking.
Yeah, yeah. Yes. Vodka Tonny?

Mas, mate. Vodka tonny for me mam.
Thanks, mate.

Have you had a haircut? No.

What's that then? Suicide attempt?

No. I were kidnapped.

That's suicide attempt. 2004.



And you won't believe this,

Jo's dad is Lennie Kennedy.

Who's Jo? Thanks, mate.

Your Jo?

Posh Jo?

You're fingering Lennie's kid?!

Well, not fingering, per se.

Lots of cuddling.

Does that count?

SCREAMING

Mas, mate! f*ck it.

f*cking get him!
f*cking get him, Mam! Oh!

HE YELLS

Oh, f*ck!

I should have just shot him
with Daphne!

You're in shock. f*cking hell.

What are you doing?!

Look, it works on babies and dogs,
it works on you.

Ewen, Maz.

I f*cking told you someone would
get stabbed!

Here, take Daphne.
You'll need her now.

What have you done?!

Oh, for f*ck's sake.
It's not what it looks like!

Sorry, but has anyone called for
an ambulance?

# You're my little chu-chi face

# And you're my teddy bear

BOTH: # Together we're a chu-chi
Woo-chi, ooo-chi, coo-chi

# Chu-chi
Woo-chi

# Ooo-chi
Coo-chi

BOTH: # Chu-chi, woo-chi
Ooo-chi, coo-chi

# Pair. #