09x07 - My Three Grandsons

[bunniefuu]

Katie,

Katie, Katie,

are you all right?

It hurts.

Hurts?

What hurts, Kate?

Is it the baby?

It hurts.

Katie, talk to me.

Is it the baby?

I mean, where do you hurt?

My feet.

Well, I'll call the hospital and tell them.

Your feet hurt?

Oh, hi, Joey.

Oh, I couldn't sleep, so I made some coffee, and I heard you
thumping around up here, so I thought I'd bring you some.

Oh, thanks.

How's Katie?

Her feet hurt.

Her feet hurt?

Steve, I don't know much about babies,
but that ain't no symptom.

Oh, I know that, Charley.

But, you know, I think I'll get dressed.

At four O'clock in the morning?

I just have a feeling I'd better be ready.

Wasn't there ever a baby born at noon so
that everybody gets a break?

Now, let's see.

We count the minutes between the pains.

When the pains are four minutes apart,
we call the hospital.

And then the hospital calls the doctor.

Steve, stop acting like this was your first kid.

She'll holler when she needs it.

Charley, when was the last time you called Rob?

At midnight.

Steve, he's on maneuvers.

This sergeant... Dad!

Call the hospital.

Dad!

Why don't you find out what she wants first?

Charley, this is no time to be logical.

Call the hospital.

What's the matter, Kate?

Dad, I think it's time for us to go.

Well, you don't have to go until the pains
are four minutes apart, you know.

I'll time them.

You don't have to.

I think the time is here.

You mean now?

Right, right, right now?

Charley!

Yeah?

Charley, Katie's going to have a baby.

I know, I know.

But she's going to have it right now.

Now?

Katie, have a cup of coffee before you have the baby.

Charley, will you stop selling the coffee
and call the hospital?

Drink the coffee and I'll run downstairs
and get you a donut.

A donut?

Maybe you better call the hospital, Uncle Charley.

They'll feed me later.

Oh, they'll feed you later?

Yeah, yes, they'll feed her later, Charley.

Call the hospital.

Now, I'd better pack some things for you
to take along to the hospital.

Well, I packed last night before I went to bed.

You're here?

Okay, okay.

Dad?

Charley!

Charley!

Charley!

Are you calling the hospital?

No, I'm calling Ted's pool, Polly.

They haven't reserved me a table.

At this time of the... That's very funny, Charley.

Oh, Chip.

What's going on?

Now, Chip, go downstairs and bring the car around front.

Like this?

Yes, like this.

Like that.

D-O-U-G-L-A-S.

Sit down.

Oh, I'm all right now, Dad.

I think we'd better go.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess we'd better go.

I told you three times you're not Ted.

D-O-U-G-L-A-S.

Mrs. Robbie Douglas.

And the doctor's name is Osbert.

How much do you charge for rooms?

Charley, don't bargain with him.

Just tell him we're on our way.

Nurse.

Nurse, we're here to have a baby.

I mean, my son is going to have a baby,
but... Well, he's not here, so I'm here for him.

Our name is Douglas.

Well, his name is Douglas.

Well, we're all Douglases.

We've got to find some place where she can
lie down in a hurry.

What is the name of your doctor, please?

Well, it starts with an O.

It's O'Brien or Osborne or something like that.

She shouldn't have to stand here like
she's waiting for a bus.

I've already rung for the orderly.

What is the name of your doctor?

Well, I told you, it starts with an O.

Osborne.

Yes, that's right.

It's Osborne.

You see, my son is in the Army Reserve, and we tried to get

in touch with him, but we couldn't
because he's on maneuvers.

He's the father, you see.

What's his name?

I've told you.

Who?

Your son.

Oh, yeah, it's Douglas.

Robert Douglas.

Yes, Robert Douglas.

Nurse, couldn't she maybe lie down on the
couch over there while we're waiting for the orderly?

Uh-huh.

And what is your name, Mrs. Douglas?

Kathleen.

Yes, Kathleen.

Nurse, this girl is going to have a baby any minute.

Now, she shouldn't have to stand here
answering questions like she's applying for a job.

I'll come down here later, and I'll write you a
whole book on the Douglas family and all our assets.

But right now, this girl is... Kate?

Kate?

You see, she couldn't wait.

Kate?

Mr. Douglas, this way.

Mr. Douglas?

Kate?

Kate?

Katie?

Where is he taking you?

They take us to a special room, Dad.

Us?

Well, me.

Ladies who are going to have babies.

Oh, I guess that eliminates me.

Dad?

Dad?

I want Rob here.

Now, don't worry, Kate.

We'll get him.

And don't forget, I want to be the one to
tell him our secret.

All right.

I'll let you be the one to tell him.

I guess I've been acting pretty silly
about this whole thing, but, uh,

well, the responsibilities of grandfather hood
are a little heavier than I realized.

Well?

Well, uh, now, don't worry about it, Kate.

Everything's going to be just fine.

Just remember, we all love you.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, Dad!

Well, locate him.

He's got to be here when the kid arrives.

And don't you blow on it.

Don't you blow on it, Alice.

Come in.

If that's them coming home from the
hospital with the baby, and you didn't

even reach the body yet, I'm coming up
there and paint your Jeep lavender.

Oh, it ain't them, but keep after
everybody to spring Robbie loose.

Hello.

Hi.

I couldn't sleep, and I went to visit my
wife at the hospital, and I saw your lights on.

You went to visit your wife in the
hospital at five in the morning?

Yeah, but they threw me out.

Naturally.

Uh, why are you up?

Katie's gone to have her baby.

Hey, uh, where's Rob?

Oh, he's still up on maneuvers.

I put in a call for him.

Hey, where are you going?

Well, to the hospital.

Well, since I'm Robbie's best friend, somebody
ought to be there to represent the father.

Yeah, but Steve is already there, and...

Ah, brother.

And it's a natural process, I told him.

If there were no hospitals, we'd be having
the babies at home.

If there weren't any homes, we'd be having them in caves.

It's natural as water.

That's why I'm not worried about Cora.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

My name's Muller.

It's like Miller, only with a U.

Say, you look pretty shook up.

Look, take it from me, there's nothing to it.

The last time I went through this was in 19...

It was back in the 50s.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I knew a fellow who once had three
kids spaced 20 years apart.

Of course, he had seven different wives.

Well, this is nothing like that.

My...

Mac?

Oh, no, no, she's not my wife.

Am I anywhere from Robbie yet?

No, not yet, Brian.

I just hope he gets here in time.

She what?

She's having the baby right now.

We've arranged a place for you on a transport.

So get changed.

It's flying south in ten minutes.

Don't just stand there, Private.

Get out to that ride.

One way.

I was in the closet.

Hey, what are you doing awake?

I was just thinking about Katie.

How nobody can find Robbie to tell him.

Well, if you hear from Robbie, tell
him that Katie's in the hospital and.

...

Oh, heck, you're a big boy now.

Tell him everything.

I'm going over to the hospital.

I'm afraid there are two people waiting
for the Douglas baby.

Two is our limit.

All right.

You may wait out here if you like.

Well, I don't like.

Now, I don't care who's in there already.

I'm going...

I...

I'm the father.

Okay, so I'm the uncle.

But I'm going in there.

Please.

I'll be right there.

If you'll just have a seat, sir.

I'll be right back.

Why climb the walls just because you're
having a grandchild?

I'll tell you why.

Hiya, Steve.

Hello, Charley.

Hey, what are you doing in here?

You're following up the waiting list outside.

Mr. Evans.

Evans.

You have a baby daughter, and your wife is fine.

If you don't want to see her, if you'll just step
over here, the nurse will show you your baby.

Nurse?

Yes?

I'm here about the Douglas.

Baby?

Who isn't?

We only allow two in the actual waiting room.

You may wait out here.

You mean I can't go in there?

Even if I'm the father?

Are you the father?

No.

There was another man here who said he was the father.

Wait a minute.

Okay, okay, don't split your sutures.

What do you want to do?

Give me five demerits?

I'll give up my place to Mr. O'Casey, nurse.

Hey, Chip, what are you doing here?

Who can sleep with all this junk going on?

How about Ernie?

Did you leave him in the house alone?

I put tr*mp in the room with him.

They're both asleep.

Besides, it's going to be daylight in a few minutes.

No call from Rob?

No.

Nurse Rogers, you're wanted at the nurse's station.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, but rules are rules.

Please sit down there.

Ah, she's right.

They do have rules.

Sure.

But what difference does it make how many
people are in there?

Rob would want his old brother handy in
case something went wrong.

I'll be right there.

Uh, uh, Chip, rules are rules.

Hey, does, uh, does Katie have a mother?

I mean, is her mother out here now?

Well, she's staying with Katie's
grandmother over in Glendale.

What did, uh, she say when your father called her?

I don't think he did.

He didn't call her?

Oh, boy, not calling a mother when a daughter is
having a baby is like activating a hydrogen b*mb.

Hey, come on, let's go.

Let's go.

Well, she left.

But, but, but how did she know?

Oh, that again.

Uh, yes, we'll let you know as soon as
anything happens, Grandmother Collins.

Fine.

Goodbye.

Well, uh, Katie's mother's intuition,
uh, woke her up and, uh, she called the

house and, uh, Ernie evidently slept through the
whole thing and, uh, she's on her way over here now.

Nurse?

Hello.

Can I help you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

What happened about the Douglas baby?

Nothing.

And I'm afraid you'll just have to sit down there and wait.

Yeah.

Well, uh, aren't fathers allowed to go in there?

Are you trying to tell me you're the father?

I'm trying to.

It's not coming out very good.

No, it isn't.

Why don't you sit?

Right there.

Just a minute.

I don't make the rules, you know.

We only went in there to see if... Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Ernie.

What'd you do, walk over?

Yeah.

When I woke up, nobody was home.

So I figured it out.

Are we uncles yet?

No.

And nobody tells anybody anything around here.

So we don't know when it's gonna be.

Well, look, these things take time.

Now, there's a soft drink machine down the
hall, and I'm buying.

All right?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Douglas, I presume?

Yes, how did you know?

It hasn't been anything else for the past two hours.

Tell one of the two gentlemen in there
you're taking his place.

Oh, thank you.

All arrayed.

I tried to reach you, but... I had a
feeling about it, so I came on over.

Hi, Charley.

I'm supposed to take somebody's place, the nurse says.

Yeah, old Demerit Gertie has rules.

I'm going to get a cold drink.

You know, the minute I woke up this morning,
I just knew... You people are something else.

There's been a parade coming through here
today you wouldn't believe.

And all because a girl's going to have a baby.

You know, you people should have done what
my wife and I did.

Study up on it.

Then there wouldn't be all this hysteria.

Mr. Muller, if you'll step this way, the
nurse will show you your new baby girl.

Ah, you see, she had it.

Thank you.

See?

Nothing to it.

It might be simple for some people, but I...

Hello, Mr. Muller?

Nurse.

Nurse, I'm Robbie Douglas.

Naturally.

What?

I suppose you're the father, too?

Yes, I am.

Two.

Mrs. Kathleen Douglas is fine.

Sit over there, please.

But, nurse, I...

There ought to be some news by now.

We've been around here for nine years.

Hey, Robbie!

Hey, you!

I just wanted to know, how's Katie?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to be quiet.

Listen, honey, I know you got a lot of rules and
all that, but you're horsing around with the father.

He really is the father?

Well, he ain't Jack Spratt.

Get in there.

Okay, listen, Robbie, now that you're
here, I can go visit my wife.

Good luck.

All right, Brian.

Dr. Osborne!

Oh, Mr. Miller.

You're Kathleen Miller's husband, aren't you?

Douglas, not Miller.

Oh, yes.

We're moving her to the delivery room now.

Oh.

What?

You mean the baby isn't even here yet?

How is Katie?

She's fine.

I just left her.

And I've got another date with her in a few minutes.

By the way, has she told you...

Told me what?

Never mind.

I'd better let her tell you in her own way.

I'm going to find out what's happening.

Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute.

Give me another demerit.

Go in there.

So, excuse me.

Man, what's taking so long?

Uncle Charley, will you please quit saying
what's taking so long?

Give me an answer and I'll quit saying it.

Rob.

Lorraine.

Well, all of you.

There's something that...

Well, I found out about it the day I took
Katie to Dr. Osmond's for her last checkup.

What?

Well, it's something that Katie wanted Rob
to be the first to know.

She wanted to tell him herself.

But if I... To tell me what, Dad?

Yes, Steve, for heaven's sakes,
is it something we should know?

Well, there's nothing to be alarmed about.

It's just that...

Well, I guess at this point, Kate wouldn't
mind if I told you.

Mr. Douglas?

Yes?

Follow me.

The doctor gave specific orders that you should see this.

Oh, Steve, do you think... What's she talking about?

No!

Wait there, please.

Oh, there it is.

Look at that.

Hey, look at what it is.

It's a boy.

A boy, huh?

It's a boy.

It's a boy.

Oh, it's a boy.

He got a son, Rob.

What?

When can I see my wife, Katie?

Not for a while yet.

She's still rather busy.

Oh, how tiny!

Look at that.

There's a kid on the table.

Mr. Douglas.

Uh, Rob?

Rob?

Mr. Douglas.

Two of them?

They don't call him two of them.

They call him twins.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Oh, my God.

That's the surprise I was trying to tell you about.

Katie wanted to tell you herself, Rob, but of course she...

Is this one a boy, too?

Yes, it is.

Oh, I just don't believe it.

I mean, we're twins in our family,
but... Wait, I can't say it's a boy.

Mr. Douglas.

There's so little of it.

Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.

Rob?

Rob?

Another one?

Triplets?

Triplets?

Three?

Three.

Oh!

It's another one.

Oh, no!

Oh, my goodness, I can't believe it.

Is this one a boy, too?

They're all boys.

They're all boys?

All boys?

Oh, thank God.

I can't believe it.

Are there any more?

I think that does it, Mr. Douglas.

Mrs. Douglas is doing very well.

Oh, that's wonderful.

But three of them is doing all right.

I kind of remembered.

We never imagined.

We're going to be two.

Congratulations, Robbie.

Congratulations, Robbie boy.

Come on.

Congratulations.

We never imagined that we were planning to.

Oh, my goodness.

Wonder what a baby.

Hi, Gordon.

Hey, guess what?

I'm three uncles.

Wonderful dinner, Charley.

I thought so, too.

But I don't think I tasted a thing.

I didn't either.

Oren, you better get off the phone and get dressed.

Forty-five minutes till visiting hours.

Tell Chip, huh?

Okay.

I gotta go, Gordon.

Okay, I'll see you.

You know, Steve, I had just barely adjusted
to the idea of becoming a grandmother.

Now, with three grandchildren,
it's gonna take a little more adjusting.

I was ready for twins, but the contract
didn't call for triplets.

I'm gonna say a terrible cliche.

I never meant anything more in all my life.

Thank God they're all healthy and that Katie's well.

Yeah.

Well, cliche or not, if you hadn't said
it, Lorraine, I would have.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

Honey,

you did a great job.

One of them is sleeping and the other two are yelling.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking about how much I love you.

And my three sons.

Oh.

Oh.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

Thank you, darling.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

You'll be a good father.

Bye.