09x15 - Three's a Crowd

[bunniefuu]

This is Rob Junior, and Steve, and little Charley.

I guess you see something I don't.

Rob, Steve, and Charley.

That's right.

All right, Uncle Charley.

Hiya.

Hey, if you ever have to cut string beans,
cut them on the slant, and be sure you

pull out the string that runs along the back.

Okay.

Uncle Charley, how come Katie can't tell the babies apart?

Oh, anybody could tell them apart.

Well, she was showing them to that friend
of hers that hasn't got a boyfriend,

and she was pointing to the wrong ones.

I know you hear this all the time, Katie,
but I still don't see how you tell them apart.

Well, I guess it's a matter of motherhood.

She pointed to Charley and said it was Robbie,
and she pointed to Steve and said it was Charley.

How do you know the right ones?

Easy.

Charley has sort of a goofy look, and Robbie spits a lot.

Charley has not got a goofy look.

That's Steve.

No, it's Charley.

I guess you don't want me to eat before dinner.

You're getting the message.

And what do you mean that Charley has got a goofy look?

No.

Like he isn't used to handling his eyes yet.

Can I have a glass of milk?

What?

Didn't you eat that lunch I packed for you today?

Somebody's been stealing the lunches out of our
lockers at school, so I had to share mine with Gordon.

Oh, well, here.

So, she's pointing out the wrong babies to people, huh?

Yeah.

Oh.

There it is.

Here, Katie.

Oh.

I, uh, I brought... I brought you some sheets.

Oh, thanks, Uncle Charley.

You give the little fellas their bath?

Mm-hmm.

Whether they needed it or not.

Mm-hmm.

Which one have you got there?

Oh, it's Charley.

I'll, uh, put the sheets in the top drawer.

Thanks, Uncle Charley.

Well, say bye-bye to your Uncle Charley, Charley.

Well, Charley, if you get a chance, will you try
to dig up some wooden coat hangers someplace?

This is like trying to solve a Chinese puzzle.

Never mind the hangers.

We got a real problem on our hands.

Katie has got the babies mixed up.

Well, don't sit there like I didn't talk.

She's got them mixed up, I tell you.

Mixed up in what sense, Charley?

I'd say they're a little too young to be
confused at this point.

You mean she's got them shuffled into
different beds or something?

Oh, she just can't tell one from the other.

Oh, come on, Charley.

Well, look, she's in that room giving him a bath.

And she says to Steve, say bye-bye to
Uncle Charley, Charley.

Now, is that too much?

Charley, don't forget about the wooden hangers, will you?

Look, you put a really heavy coat on one
and they just collapse.

Look at that.

I tell you, Steve, she's got her own kids mixed up.

I think we ought to tell Robbie.

Charley, do me a favor, will you?

Don't say anything about it.

Don't say anything about this to Robbie or anybody else.

I mean, it's not that important.

Not that important?

Suppose they grow up and Steve gets to be
president of a university or something.

Only it's really Charley.

It ain't fair, Steve.

In the first place, Katie couldn't
possibly get her own babies mixed up.

I mean, she's their mother.

Yeah, well, I know little Charley when I see him.

And Steve ain't him.

Don't forget about the wooden hangers, will you, Charley?

Hangers.

And if you bend the handle a little bit, they open anyways.

They're just plain anyway, er, no S.

Yeah, well, that's what happens.

Well, there was this guy back in Bryant
Park who used to swipe lunches.

He got away with it for two terms.

Why out the kitchen?

He got fat and the principal figured it out.



Okay.

Oh, dear.

Well, look who won't let his brother sleep.

Well, first time Robbie Junior kept the
others awake, isn't it?

Wasn't it, Rob Junior?

This is Charley.

Oh?

Doesn't look like Charley to me.

That's more like Steve.

Oh, God, Ernie, Katie ought to know.

Well, no matter which one it is, school, hmm?

Okay.

See everybody later.

Yes.

See you later.

Goodbye.

Well, little guy, you woke your brothers up.

What have you got to say for yourself, huh?

Dad, you're going to have to have one of
your little man-to-man talks with your namesake.

Honey, that's not Steve.

Sure it is.

No, Steve's ears are flatter against his head.

That's little Charley.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

What?

You may be positive, honey, but I'm sure, too.

Charley, my hat.

That was Robbie Junior.

Well, when you get right down to it, what
difference does it really make, Charley?

Steve, she's shuffling the deck.

For one thing, Charley is bigger and smarter than the
other two, and I don't want her getting them mixed up.

Well, I don't care what you say, Charley.

Those babies are pretty hard to tell apart.

They could even be identical triplets.

So we could call them A, B, and C,
and it wouldn't change them.

I mean, well, Benjamin Franklin would
still have been a great man.

Even if he'd had some other name.

Not if it was Mary Smith.

Ma'am, the only way to corrode this, ever says this, I
can't correct your papers if I can't read your penmanship.

I could have gotten a C, and that would have...

Boy!

Boy!

Your lunch gone again?

Yeah, and it was Turkey and everything.

Did they get yours?

No, it's right here.

Hey!

Oh, hi, Debbie.

Is your lunch gone again, too?

Yeah, it's the second time.

I see you still have yours.

Listen, Debbie, I keep my locker locked.

Don't make a big spy movie out of it.

I'm gonna tell Mr. Wamsley about it right now.

And I'm also gonna tell him you've got a
real defiant attitude, Ernie Douglas.

And then she goes, doesn't it seem weird
to you that Ernie's locker is like an island?

And then she goes, I'm gonna go tell Mr. Wamsley.

Man!

Ernie, have you any idea who might be stealing the lunches?

Heck no, Dad.

I can't wait for someone to get fat.

I'm getting... Maybe we can explore it for you, Dad.

Of course, you know as much about everything as we do.

Powder, oil, diapers.

It's a short movie, so we ought to be home early.

Oh, take your time, Rob.

Hey, uh, Robbie seems a little restless.

Oh, it's Charley.

He's always the last one to go to sleep.

No, honey, that's Robbie.

No, that's Charley.

This is Robbie.

Why, heck no, Katie.

That's Dee.

Well, neither knows you're okay.

He's got his own babies.

Charley, Steve, and Robbie.

Well, she ought to know.

I guess he should.

Well, uh, you kids better go.

You don't want to miss the beginning of the movie.

Okay, see you later.

Good night.

Thanks, Dad.

Have fun.

Hi, Dad.

That's Charley, and that's Steve.

No, no, no, Ernie.

This one's Steve.

Because Charley looks goofy, so that's Charley.

I'll admit it's pretty hard to tell them apart, but, uh...

And, Ernie, I, uh, I wouldn't let Uncle
Charley hear what you said.

They're about little, Charley.

Yeah, but that's... Now, let's see, uh, where
were we about that, uh, problem of yours at school?

Oh, uh, they were about to string me up.

That's right.

Well, Ernie, uh...

Doppler didn't say anything, did he?

I've given a pass before, Katie.

Well, it's not that.

What is it, then?

Well, remember tonight when I was so
positive about which baby was which?

Yeah.

Well, it's because...

Well... Because what, Katie?

Dad, Rob, is there something wrong with a
mother who can't tell her own babies apart?

Oh, I'm sure that's happened a lot of times
before, Katie, particularly when they're this young.

For all we know, they might be identical triplets.

You were so sure when we went to the movies.

Well, that's because...

I put little ink dots on the bottoms of their feet.

Ink dots?

One for Charley, two for Steve, and three for Robbie.

And, uh...

I washed them off, huh?

And he washed them off?

Yes.

One dot for Charley, two for Steve, and three for Robbie.

That's kind of sneaky, ain't it?

I mean, what'd she do?

Give one a bath and put a dot on his foot
and then give the next one a bath?

Yeah, something like that.

Uncle Charley, don't kid her about it.

She thinks she let motherhood down or
something ridiculous like that.

She's really pretty worried.

She's not sure which one is which.

Yeah?

Well, I am.

Charley is the biggest, and he looks you
right in the eye when you pick him up.

Now, Robbie's got a goofy look, and Steve spits a lot.

Isn't that funny?

I thought Robbie was the biggest,
and, uh, Charley had the goofy look.

Well, I'll see you later.

I've got a class.

Oh, if you guys could only talk.

They don't have to talk.

I heard about the big washout.

You got no worries.

I know which one is which.

You do?

Yeah.

Charley, Steve, Robbie.

Uncle Charley, are you absolutely sure?

I'm absolutely sure, and there's no doubt
in your mind at all.

Well, I'm sure I'm sure.

You're not sure at all, are you?

Well, the big good-looking one is Charley.

I know that much.

You know, I'm almost relieved.

Rob's not sure, and Dad's the first one to admit he
doesn't know, and now the Rock of Gibraltar has his doubts.

Well, maybe us mothers aren't so dumb after all.

Yeah, well, then, what do we do now?

I don't want one of the others getting to be president
of a university and then having to turn out to be Charley.

What are we going to do?

Well, take them to the hospital and have
them match the boys' footprints.

Yeah.

You see, you think you got troubles,
and all of a sudden the sun breaks through.

Come on, let's go.

You can't what?

You heard what she said, honey.

We can't tell them apart.

You can't tell them apart?

Take a look.

Can you?

I feel like such a fool, nurse.

Oh, but they're so small.

Their features seem to all be the same.

They certainly are the same.

Oh, aren't these the babies that were born
here a few months ago?

You catch on.

You catch on quick.

So break out with the footprints so we can match them up.

Well, they're beautiful.

They're really darling.

Andrea, come and look at this.

Aren't they darling?

Oh, they're just adorable.

Oh, aren't they adorable?

Yes.

Oh, look at that.

Mr. Guthrie.

Uncle Charley's hollering for everybody to come to dinner.

It's eating you.

I think I'm going to the bed.

And wear one of those orange robes and be a monk.

Yeah.

Well, you better come downstairs and eat dinner first.

Okay.

This is the last call.

I'm giving everything to tr*mp.

You heard the man.

Well, let's go down there, fellas.

We don't want tr*mp to get fat.

Hey, Daddy.

Katie wants you to take a look at the
babies before you come down.

And then she wants to tell you something.

Take a look at them?

Why?

I don't know.

I guess because she's down there helping
Uncle Charley or something.

Oh.

I can't wait for Rob to get home from work
so I can tell him.

How about getting the babies straightened out?

Yes.

He pretended he didn't care which was
which, but I knew it bothered him.

Now when Charley gets to be president of
that university, it'll really be Charley.

What'd they do?

Get out a bunch of footprints and have the
babies step on some ink pads?

Well, some hospitals keep print records.

Others use...

Ernie, something wrong?

He's gonna rent an orange robe and become a monk.

Rent what?

Look, you used to be the baby around here.

Now you're a kid, and we got three more babies.

So quit grousing and grow up.

I don't think it's about not being the baby, Uncle Charley.

I think somebody's clobbering him at school.

Is it about those lunches?

Well, somebody's clobbering him at school.

Somebody's been swiping lunches at his school.

Some creepy girl said it was him.

Did you get sent down to the principal or something?

I got sent down to the principal.

Okay, okay.

Since when do we need an interpreter around?

Ernie, how come you got sent to the principal?

Well, I was trying to catch the crook in the hallway.

And my hall pass got overdue.

And a teacher hauled me down to the principal's office.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, honey.

But these problems can all be solved.

Uncle Charley and I solved ours today.

Tomorrow you'll solve yours.

Or at least they'll find the real thieves.

I know how corny it sounds, but these
things really do pass.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, darling.

Sorry I'm late.

Come on, sit down and have your soup.

Okay.

Hey, Steve, you coming down?

Honey, you'll never guess what Uncle
Charley and I did today.

That's right.

In that case, tell me.

Well, he took the boys down to the
hospital and got their footprints matched up.

Now we know which is which.

Oh, great.

Did you put dots on their feet again?

No, we got smart this time.

We put little name tags on their undershirts.

We only put them on one set,
but tomorrow, every little undershirt

those three little squirts own
will have their names on them.

Great.

Pretty soon we won't need to do things like that.

The nurse says that their individual
personalities begin to emerge at less than a year.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi.

How are the boys?

Well, they were all a little restless when
I went in there, but they're fine now.

Why were they restless, do you think?

Well, it was awfully warm in there, Kate.

Hey, looks like good soup, Charley.

I didn't want to open the windows, so I just changed
their undershirts, put some lighter ones on them.

You didn't?

Oh, no.

You gotta be kidding.

Dad, are you serious?

What's the matter?

What's wrong?

I think you blew the whole identification.

You blew the whole identification deal again, Dad.

How?

What did I do?

What did I do?

Katie, do you want to tell him?

Now, let me see if I understand you correctly.

You can't tell them apart.

That's right.

We could yesterday, and we could the day before.

You could tell them apart yesterday, but not today?

Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Yes.

Well, as you can see, they look very much alike.

And, well, we've always had a little
trouble telling which was which.

And so the mother put dots on the baby's feet.

The mother did what?

Put dots on the baby's feet so we could tell them apart.

One for Steve.

It was a two for Steve.

I'd better start at the beginning.

Now, yesterday, the baby's mother brought
them down here to the hospital,

and you people matched up their footprints with the baby's.

And, well, that was fine, except they forgot
to tell me, and I changed their undershirts.

Now, wait a minute.

Well, you see, they put the names on each.

Look, nurse, all I need is for you to
match up the footprints again, if you would.

Well, I was the one that watched the dots off of the baby's
feet, and I was the one that changed their undershirts.

It was all my fault.

I'm the grandfather.

Aren't these the Douglas triplets?

Yes, they are.

Oh, their mother brought them in yesterday.

Yesterday, to be re-identified.

I know.

Well, we ran into a little trouble,
and so I brought them back today to have

them re-identified again, if it wouldn't
be too much trouble.

Oh, I didn't think that idea of marking
their undershirts would work.

This time we'll give you hospital I.D.

bracelets.

I.D.

Bracelets?

Oh, that's a good idea.

It'll be pretty hard for me to get those off.

Well,

the nurse said, this ought to do the trick, Kate.

Well, I can't thank you enough, Dad.

Well, it was the least I could do.

And if it'll make you feel any better, she said that
mixing up babies is quite common, even with twins.

Oh, it does make me feel better.

I began to think that I was sending
motherhood down the drain.

Hi.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi.

Hey, Uncle Charley said you got the babies
all straightened out with bracelets.

Yeah.

Charley?

Stephen?

Ernie?

Robbie?

Only that was Robbie.

Let's not start that again.

Uh, tell me, uh, what's this I hear about
the lunch thief being caught?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this kid, he's a senior.

He wanted to see if he could pull off the
perfect crime without really hurting anyone.

So he swiped the lunches.

Well, how did that catch him?

He wrote an English composition about perfect crimes.

Now some kid stole lunches at school in Scotland.

Only the teacher figured out that they don't
have the same kind of lockers in Scotland.

Well, this boy doesn't sound very bright to me.

He isn't.

He got put on probation for the whole term.

And he got a D on the composition for rotten punctuation.

Hi.

Hi, Rob.

Hey, Uncle Charlie says the babies are all set up again.

Yeah, Dad did it.

Come on, look.

Come on, Ernie.

Oh, wait a minute, Dad.

I want to see Robbie react.

Ernie, there are times when you watch Robbie react.

And then there are times when you leave
the reacting to the reactors.

No, nothing.

Come on.

Here you go.

Honey, I hate to say this, but I think...

I hate to say this, but I think...

I hate to say this, but I think...