09x18 - Chip on Wheels

[bunniefuu]

Hey, that's clean.

That's all I need is to get the clean
mixed up with the dirty.

How about that?

Hey, Steve!

Look at that.

What is it, Charlie?

I ain't sure.

Sure, the local branch of the Western
National Bank or Captain Kidd's buried treasure.

Did you find that in Chip's room?

In his closet.

Well, that must be the money he's saving to buy his car.

He'd better open a bank account.

How long has he been saving?

Quite a while.

Well, say, he ain't a bad kid.

Don't you think we ought to help him out a little?

No, Charlie.

If it were for something he really needed, we would.

But he gets to drive my car, and Robbie's too.

I just think if he has to buy his own car,
he'll appreciate it more.

You know, that's why I'm glad I'm not a father.

Because you have to be a combination
nurse, psychiatrist, and Socrates.

Beautiful.

Not bad.

Not bad?

A little more tuning will make the top ten.

How come you're selling, Wayne?

Well, I got about as far as I can on this one.

I'm ready to take a crack on one of those little racers.

I wouldn't mind having one of those myself.

Oh, of course you got to realize a racer's kind of limited.

Take a buggy like this one.

It's real all around wheels.

I guess.

This doll's dependable.

It'll get you there and get you back in
high style all the way.

You in the market?

Maybe.

You know what you want, but if you're
looking for go-power with class,

just kick at it.

That was a delicious lunch, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, thank you, Marilyn.

Now I know why all the great chefs are men.

Well, that ain't so hard to figure out when you
notice that men go at it different from women.

Now you take all the slapdash out of cooking and
you add some brains and you come up with a real art.

Chip, let's help your uncle with the dishes.

You don't want to be wasting your Saturday
afternoon in the kitchen.

Now you kids run along.

Hey, neat.

I'll go fly my kite.

Okay, but get down to the park.

The last time your kite got tangled up in our
TV aerial, we got Tijuana taxi calls for two weeks.

Hey, you want to see something really groovy?

Sure.

Yeah, it's neat.

We'll be over at Wayne's house, Uncle Charley.

Okay.

Marilyn, I hope you come back for lunch real soon.

Yeah, I hope so, too.

Well, we don't have company.

He serves leftovers, and we have to do the dishes.

My pal.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Is this what you wanted to show me?

Yeah.

It's Wayne's.

Yeah.

I've seen it around school lots of times.

But you never rode it.

Come on, get in.

Abby Walters went to a dance with Wayne
and got grease all over her dress.

Yeah.

All the girls are crazy about riding in it.

Now, listen to this.

It's kind of loud, isn't it?

It purrs like a kitten.

It doesn't have any top.

Abby says it blows your hair to pieces.

Well, that's one of the good things about it.

You don't feel shut in.

Isn't this paint job kind of conspicuous?

Yeah, isn't it great?

Chip, are you thinking of buying this car?

Well, I'm negotiating.

But I didn't want to do anything definite
until I had your opinion.

Well, you have it.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, where's Marilyn?

She went home.

She had to get some grease off her dress.

How'd she like the car?

She's crazy about it.

Dad, can I talk to you?

Sure, come on in, Chip.

What's on your mind?

You know, I've been wanting a car for a long time.

Yes, I know.

Well, I finally found the one I really want.

Oh, what kind is it?

It's Wayne's Roadburner.

Wayne's Roadburner.

Well, I know it's real special.

But Wayne doesn't want as much for it as you do.

I didn't expect.

How much do you want for it?

Only $65.

And it's got a Mallory ignition, Winfield full
camshafts, holiday headers and collectors.

I'll take your word for it, Chip, that it's a good buy.

Do you have the $65?

Not exactly.

But I've got $56.63.

Well, now, Chip, you know our understanding was
that you were to earn the money for your car yourself.

I know, Dad.

My birthday's Tuesday.

And I thought, maybe instead of giving me
presents, the whole family gave me money.

I could get it.

I see.

It's only $8.37.

I always get stuff that costs more than
that on my birthday.

Now, why can't you wait until you earn the money instead?

If I don't buy it, somebody's bound to
snap it up real fast.

Chip, owning a car involves a lot of responsibilities.

Have you thought about the insurance?

What about the insurance?

Well, you can't drive without insurance, you know.

And at your age, the insurance will cost more than the car.

More than the car?

So, you see, the $8.37 doesn't begin to cover the cost.

I'm sorry, Chip.

It's okay, Dad.

I didn't get the picture.

Hey,

Al.

Morning, Steve.

Hey, Al, what's this?

What do you think of it?

Where'd you get it?

Oh, my aunt moved to New York,
and she wants me to sell it for her.

Oh?

You know, my family had one just like it.

It was a great model.

Still is.

Hey, look at that.

Silver bud vases, huh?

Special order.

My Aunt Ellen is a nut for fresh flowers.

Boy, this sure brings back memories.

Yeah, it'll make a great cut-off for some kid.

Yeah, it would.

Well, I'll see you, Steve.

Al.

Yeah, Steve?

We're just thinking, uh... You were
thinking about buying it for one of your boys?

Oh, well... It's got less mileage
than my new car has on it.

You don't have to do a thing with it, and I don't
think it's been driven more than 35 miles an hour.

Now, Al, you're not going to give me that
old lady from Pasadena bit, are you?

I wouldn't think of it.

My Aunt Ellen lived in Altadena.

Oh.

Which one of the boys do you have in mind for it, Steve?

Well, Chip's been wanting something, and, uh...

Well, I've been telling him he had to save
his money and buy his own car, but, uh.

...

I don't know, but tomorrow's his birthday.

Thanks, Katie.

Here's mine, Chip.

I bought you something I can use in case you don't like it.

You better like mine.

I can't return it.

Why, you guys, thanks.

This is really great.

I don't know which one to open first.

You'd better look at your dad's first.

Which one is yours, Dad?

Uh, the one in the driveway.

In the driveway?

Hey, hey, aren't you going to get a drink?

Come and bring us a little pie.

Oh, boy.

Hey, it's so shiny I can see my face.

Oh, darling.

Hey, the last time I rode in one of these was in Bombay.

And the driver made up his own rules as he went along.

Well, Chip, how do you like it?

Oh, it's great, Dad.

Just great.

Just great.

What makes you think Chip doesn't like his car?

Honey, I'm not that far away from Chip's
age that I don't know what he's thinking.

Dad meant well, but he's giving Chip an old lady's car.

Well, it runs, and it's clean, and it's cute.

Yeah, but it's not in.

Poor Dad.

Poor Dad?

Yeah, because he loves his son.

Chip hates his car.

Oh, hi, Chip.

I didn't see you behind us.

Well, I had a run to catch up.

Did you ever buy that road burner of Wayne's?

No.

Well, I decided it wouldn't do me any harm
to walk for a while.

Something wrong with your car, Chip?

No.

Well, where is it?

Down in front of the Wilsons' house.

Well, why'd you park it down there?

Well, you never can tell when somebody
might want to deliver something.

Well, they couldn't if the driveway was
all cluttered up with a bunch of cars.

Well, I'm going to be leaving.

You can take my place.

Yeah.

Well, no.

Well, that's okay.

I can tell that the minute the back door
slammed and your books landed in the chair.

Hey, uh, what's, uh, part of a P?

Four letters.

A pork.

No, no, that... That louses up my
lady without arms and baby goat.

Lady without arms is p*nis, like in the monologue.

And, uh, baby goat is kid, not Billy.

And bridge over the Thames is Westminster.

And, uh, silly bird is cuckoo.

Gets a B in spelling and all of a sudden
he's a crossword expert.

I'm an expert.

Gordon's mother is doing the same puzzle over at her house.

Hey, Uncle Charley, how come Chip hates his car?

Did he tell you he hates it?

No.

But he hides it way down the street.

And he parks about three blocks from school.

Hi.

Hey, what's this I hear about you hating the car
your dad gave you out of the goodness of his heart?

And you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Huh?

Now, you heard what I said, so don't give
me that innocent stuff.

I don't hate the car, Uncle Charley.

Come on now, your lips are flapping no,
but your eyes are shifting around yes.

It's a real neat car.

Honest.

Okay, I don't believe you.

But you see to it that your dad don't find
out how much you hate it.

Now, are you reading me?

I... I don't hate it.

Now, just remember what I said.

You got a gift, so you better make your
dad think you like it.

And as a starter, how about not parking it
in the next county?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Here.

Here.

Cover up here.

Here.

Daddy will be here soon.

Daddy's here right now.

Good.

Honey, you know, I've been thinking.

Maybe you are right about Chip.

He's parking his car down the street, even
when there's plenty of room in the driveway.

Right.

I told you, honey.

It's a very not-in car.

Just the same, I really ought to belt Chip.

No talk, just belt him.

Not so much muscle on those bottle caps.

I'm the one that has to unscrew them.

Sorry.

Dinner is being served.

Thank you.

Have you ever stopped to realize that 18 bottles a day
add up to 126 bottles a week and 540 bottles a month?

When did you take up math for a hobby?

Well, when I found out how good I was at multitasking.

I wonder what kind of a job I'll get when
I tell him I majored in formulas,

diapers, and hamburgers in college.

The babies are making it awfully hard for you, aren't they?

Oh, no.

Babies are nothing.

It's when they get bigger that the
responsibility scares me.

I take this thing with Dad and Chip, for instance.

I know what you mean.

I feel sorry for Dad.

I feel sorry for Dad.

But I can see Chip's side of it, too.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Everything has two sides.

So?

Honey, tonight, after everything has
simmered down, I'm going to try the flip side.

Chip, you busy?

I was just reading.

I'd like to talk to you about your car.

What's the matter?

Your's break down?

No, mine didn't break down.

Why don't you read your book?

I want to hear what you have to say to Chip.

Well, okay.

But keep quiet, then.

Chip, you really had your heart set on
buying Wayne's Roadburner, didn't you?

Well, yeah.

Well, you can't blame him.

It's the goofiest set of wheels in the whole school.

Earn, nobody's blaming anybody for anything.

Now, I told you to keep quiet.

But the car that Dad bought you is a big
disappointment, isn't it?

Well.

I mean, you're ashamed of it, aren't you?

Well.

Exactly what is the hang-up?

Well, the whole thing.

It just isn't a guy's car.

Cars don't come in his and hers.

You know what I mean.

He means those silver buttons.

Bud vases.

Ernie, I am not talking to you.

If you interrupt one more time,
I'm going to throw you out in the hall.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Chip.

Well, that's one of the things.

I wouldn't dare show up at school in a car
with bud vases and that yucky paint job.

The guys would laugh themselves sick.

You don't know that.

Sure they would.

That kind of stuff went out with running boards.

Okay, Ernie, that's it.

Out.

Come on, Rob.

Out.

There must be some kind of w*r about
throwing some guy out of his own room.

Sue me, then.

Chip, the car runs all right, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Then the only thing you don't like about
it is the way it looks, right?

I guess so.

Dad's not dumb, you know.

If he'd been home more, he could tell how
you feel in a minute just by the sound of it.

Or by looking at your face.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Dance in the street?

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Tomorrow after school, you're going to get
in that car and drive over to Marilyn's

house and you're going to take her for a ride.

And you're going to like it.

Yeah?

What if I don't?

Then, mister, you and I are going to have the
biggest hassle in the history of the Douglas family.

Oh.

Guy.

This is just like when Charlton Heston got
sort of the Philistines.

Horsing around with sin or something.

That's you.

Hi, Rob.

Hey, uh, I had a rotten night last night.

Me too.

Uh, I mean, after I made my big speech, I got to
thinking, what right do I have to try to run your life?

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is you do
what you want to do, and I'm sorry I sounded off.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

That's okay.

You were right about that.

But I sort of drove close by school today, and the
guys gave me the business just like I thought they would.

Yeah, well, in spite of what I said,
I thought they would, too.

Yeah.

Well, it wasn't so bad.

Anyway, I came by to get a sweater,
and I'm going to go pick up Marilyn.

Before you say anything, it's mine.

You're putting me on.

No.

Boy.

Silver butt vases?

It runs great.

Mind if I take a look?

Go ahead.

Hey, that's the original engine.

Original paint job, too.

Hey, start it up a minute.

What'd I tell you?

Soul music.

Hey, let's take it around the block.

Okay, get in.

Mind if I drive?

All right, but watch the original upholstery.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hi, Dad.

I just saw Chip and Wayne driving down the
street in Chip's car.

Wayne was driving.

You think maybe he's tried to trade it to
Wayne for that road burner of his?

Uh, no, Dad, no.

In fact, he just told me he was going over
to Maryland's to take her out for a ride.

He loves that car, Dad.

No, Katie, I saw the look on his face that
morning I gave it to him.

That was a look of stunned joy, sort of.

Now, I made one of those generation gap mistakes again.

I should have known that an old car that belonged to
somebody's Aunt Eleanor wouldn't fit in the Chip's generation.

I'm telling you, Dad, he likes it.

Well, what do you want for it?

I'm not selling.

It's all original everything.

You said yourself, it's already a collector's item.

I'll tell you what.

I'll throw in the road burner in 60 bucks.

Nope.

I wouldn't sell even if you offered me twice that much.

My dad gave it to me.

Thank you.