09x19 - Honorable Expectant Grandfather

[bunniefuu]

We didn't get a chance to show you this last night.

Well, how about that, Rob?

Right on the front page.

Yeah, of course, it's only the college paper,
but I am going to be on school TV in a few days.

Well, as a baby expert, no doubt.

What else?

The minute your father triplets, you're a baby expert.

You know, I'm a little bit nervous about going on
TV, but I really think I can give him some advice.

At least on what to do when three babies
show up all of a sudden.

You know, Rob, I have a feeling
that you and Uncle Charley and

the boys now are basking in three little reflected glories.

And even Katie is.

Of course, she should.

She's the one that had them.

You know, I sort of enjoy being an expert, don't you?

Well, a little around the edges.

Oh, come on, let's go down to breakfast.

That's a very good picture of you.

I was kind of hoping they'd use the one
where I was holding the pipe.

Yes?

Ray Wong?

What?

Send him right in.

Ray!

Hello, Steve.

What a surprise.

I meant it to be.

That's why I didn't write you.

I was coming.

What are you doing out here in California?

Well, I said to myself, the weather's good out here.

It would be excellent for the wife and children.

And besides, I got transferred.

You mean here, to this plant?

Right.

Wonderful.

Just face it, old friend.

You will be seeing this weathered
countenance day after day.

I'm down the hall in new projects.

I heard they were looking for a new engineer.

You're head of the department, aren't you?

Right.

If I were a true Oriental, I'd mention my
unworthiness for such a position.

But as we Americans say, it's a good job,
and I'm glad I got it.

Oh, I'm glad you did, too, Ray.

Come on, sit down.

Thank you.

Tell me, how's the family?

My wife is fine.

Little Lisa is now 12.

Of course, you know, Robbie and his wife
Katie had triplets.

Naturally.

They made the front pages of the Byron Park newspaper.

Stephen, Robert Junior, and Charles.

Three boys.

You must be very proud, Steve.

Yeah, you bet I am.

You remember my eldest daughter, Gloria?

Oh, sure.

Pretty girl.

She's, uh, she's all right, isn't she?

Yes.

Did you know she was married?

No, I didn't.

That's, uh, great, Ray.

When Gloria's baby is born, it'll probably
be called Erasmus or Socrates or something.

Gloria's gonna have a baby?

Not little Gloria.

She's not little anymore.

No, I, uh, I guess she is.

And, uh...

Ray, uh...

You all said that having three boys all at
once ought to be preparation.

Well, I've seen that show.

The emcee likes to embarrass you.

You want me and Chip to ask you a bunch of junk?

Uh, no thanks, sir.

What if they ask you if you have a favorite baby?

No, I'd say no.

They're all the same.

I'm not kidding, Rob.

You can't go on a big college thing and
say you like all your babies the same.

But I do.

Well, uh, anybody care to say hello to an old friend?

Hey!

Hi, Ray!

Hello, everybody.

How are ya?

Hey, this is me!

How's Lisa?

Fine, fine.

Welcome to our company.

Hi, Mr. Wong.

The Wongs are living in California now.

Ray was transferred out here, too.

That's great.

How's Gloria?

Fine, Robbie.

Just fine.

Got married about a year ago.

Oh.

This must be Katie.

Hello.

Well, I figured everybody knew everybody.

Kate, this is one of our oldest friends
from Bryant Park, Ray Wong.

It's a pleasure.

As my honorable ancestors would say, may the
lamps of happiness shed light on you and yours forever.

Thank you, Mr. Wong.

They already have.

Now, where's Uncle Charley?

He's in the kitchen.

Come on, Ray.

Talk to you later.

Watch your step.

Maybe we can talk him out of a cup of coffee.

Fine.

Did you notice the way he tossed off that
Gloria got married?

Yeah.

He didn't even say to who.

Yeah, who?

Yeah, who?

No, I'm kidding.

Then one day she came home with this, this bum.

His name is Henry Su.

His father is in the import business in San Francisco.

The boy is rather tall.

American Chinese seems to grow.

It must be the diet.

But he irritates me with that long hair.

A hippie.

How about that, Steve?

Ray's got a hippie for her son-in-law.

Hey, why don't you clobber him?

Is he a hippie, Ray?

What is a hippie, Steve?

Well, that's a good question.

Well, the boy wears long hair, necklace or two, chains.

But he works and brings his paycheck home to Gloria.

They seem happy.

He works?

And he makes your daughter happy?

Isn't that enough, Ray?

I suppose it should be.

But he's so useless.

He accomplishes nothing.

I thought you said he had a job.

But he has no ambition.

He likes to walk barefoot through parks,
play the guitar and things like that.

Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, Ray.

So can I.

And that's what bothers me.

He quotes Thoreau.

What's wrong with that?

He was a philosophy major in college.

And what's wrong with that?

He makes my daughter happy.

And what's wrong with that?

Still, I like to clobber him.

Yes.

Well, what's wrong with that?

This ought to be enough.

There are only two of them.

And from what I understand, this Henry
Longhair is pretty fussy about what he eats.

Got to be organic, at least.

Uncle Charley, none of us should prejudge Henry.

At least not until we meet him.

Okay, okay.

But if that beaded hippie gets out of line, you call on me.

Are the peanuts and potato chips ready?

Oh, good.

Honey.

You know that Uncle Charley still doesn't like Henry.

Well, maybe if he knew Henry better, he could hate him.

You know, you two are a screen.

If a nice guy like Ray Wong hates this
kid, that's good enough for me.

You know, honey, I must admit I'm getting
a little curious about Gloria's husband.

Yeah, me too.

But I know Gloria.

She wouldn't pick anything really weird.

Hey, Rob.

Look.

Look.

All I have left to do are the Rocky Mountains.

And the Gulf of Mexico.

And a couple of the Alleghenies.

Nice.

Well, are you guys going to hang around
when Henry and... Oh, you want to see the weird...

Robbie.

Hi, Gloria.

How are you?

Henry, honey, this is Robbie Douglas.

Hi.

And this must be Katie.

That's right.

Hello.

And there's Chip and Ernie.

Hi.

Hi.

Peace.

And the wild thing is, Gloria never gets
any of these way out cravings for lychee

nuts and asparagus soup at four in the morning.

Katie didn't either, did you, hon?

Oh, how about the time she went out to get
hamburgers and she came back with about 400 donuts?

Ernie.

Say, Ernie, isn't it about time you hit the sack?

Not till I finish the Rocky Mountains.

Did your babies kick much, Katie?

All the time.

Of course, there were three of them taking turns.

We think Erasmus is practicing points after touchdown.

Erasmus?

He was a Dutch cat, real bright, way ahead of his time.

I don't buy naming kids tired stuff like Henry.

You mean his name is gonna be Erasmus Sue?

Right, makes you think, doesn't it?

Yeah, it makes you think.

He sounds like the guys at work.

They don't like it either.

They say I should think of the kid.

But they think a name like Erasmus will bring
out nicknames like Raz Sue and things like that.

It will too.

Only I say let the kid talk his way out of it.

That's what he's got a brain for, right?

Do you mind if I take off my shoes?

Go ahead.

Henry, you said something about working in a market.

Stocks?

No, man, I work in a supermarket.

He's their number one box boy.

I'm sorry I'm late, Charley.

Charley?

Charley?

Who are you peeking at now?

Hey, Steve, you ought to get a load of Ray's son-in-law.

He's wearing a necklace.

Listen, he's got real rotten-looking hair,
and he's a box boy in the supermarket,

and he just took off his shoes right in front of Katie.

Well, Charley, at least he was wearing
shoes to take off, hmm?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but will you come
and take one look at the fathead?

I'll meet him one of these days.

Did you keep something warm for me?

Hmm, pot roast, huh?

No, Swiss steak, only I left out the Swiss.

I'm telling you, Steve, that kid is a menace.

No wonder Ray hates him.

Charley, uh, Ray doesn't really like me.

I really hate him.

Hey, you know what he wants to name Gloria's baby?

What?

Rasmuth.

I beg your pardon?

Rasmuth.

That's what he wants to name Gloria's baby.

Rasmuth?

Well, something like that.

Hey, Steve, will you do me a favor?

Come on and take one look, will you?

It'll set back your appetite a little, but
come on and take one look, will you?

Charley, I think I'll just have a little, uh, salad.

You ain't gonna look, huh?

I ain't gonna look.

Boy, are you stubborn.

If I was a woman and married to you,
I'd have left you the first week.

Pot roast.

So Henry is trying to find himself, as they say.

He doesn't want to get locked into some profession
this young and then find out it's the wrong one.

Yeah, look at my dad.

He's a real mathematical genius.

And what does he do for a living?

Imports souvenirs.

Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

No, Rob.

That's not what he wanted to do.

And in a way, it's a wasted life.

Not for us, honey.

We'll know when the right thing comes along.

What do you think you'd really like to do, Henry?

Right now, I'm flopping back and forth
between teaching philosophy.

I've got my degree in that.

Or maybe going into engineering like Gloria's dad.

Henry inherited his father's mathematical genius.

Or maybe I'll really study guitar and start a group.

I've got a bad ear.

That ought to help.

Say, Henry, why don't you visit the plant
where Dad and Mr. Wong work?

See how it feels to you.

See if I can dig the regimentation?

Yeah.

I'll do it one of these days.

Man, Ernie, I'm no expert.

But you've got the Rocky Mountains.

The Rocky Mountains and the Mississippi River.

Well, I made the United States a little too skinny.

So I had to give up ground somewhere.

At least you could get to Los Angeles from
St. Louis in a hurry.

Detroit's just outside San Francisco.

Yeah.

Well, life is getting to be full of junk like that.

It's like the celery and the meatloaf and
the plastic palm tree at school.

Junk just doesn't turn out the way you expect it to.

You can't count on junk anymore.

Ernie, what does all that mean?

I think it's philosophy, Rob.

Plato never said you can't count on junk.

But half the time, that's what he meant.

And because you can't count on junk,
you've got to count on yourself.

You're right.

Tomorrow I go down to Gloria's father's joint, look around.

Steve, he's coming here today.

The people here will see him, necklace and all.

Well, Ray, I imagine most of the people
around here have seen necklaces before.

He's going to look us over and decide if
this should be his life's work.

Ever hear of anything so crazy?

Well, at least he seems to be trying.

From box boy to engineer in one easy jump.

Doesn't he know his philosophy degree
won't get him past the front gate?

Does he think all he has to do is to buy a slide
rule and put him right to work in Meadow stress?

Ray, have you ever sat down and had a good talk with him?

Many times, but he does all the talking.

Steve, if he wears those beads in the
executive lunchroom, I'll hit him in my slide room.

Ray, he and Gloria were over at the house.

I didn't meet him, but Katie and Robbie
seem to think he's a pretty nice fella.

They were saying that...

Excuse me.

Hello.

Yes, he's right here.

It's for you.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Wong.

In the outer office?

All right, send him in.

He's here.

Guess who that is.

Peace.

Henry, Sue.

Henry, Mr. Stieber.

Thank you, Adam.

Suppose Mr. Mr. Douglas, work up to this.

You don't start with a big office.

Right.

That's why I'd sort of like to look
around, see where I'm going.

Okay, Dad?

All right.

You wait in the outer office.

I'll be right with you.

Peace.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Did you hear what he called me, Steve?

No, uh, what?

Dad.

Oh.

I tell you, Steve, every time that useless,
shaggy-headed kid calls me Dad, I cringe.

Ray, I really didn't think he was so bad.

Sure, but you don't have to show him through the assembly
line in that silly-looking coat and long hair and...

What's to you?

See you later, Steve.

Peace.

Listen, Ray, at least the kid don't have a beard.

He went into every nook and cranny of that plant.

Didn't miss a thing.

Or a person.

Ask questions like... Do questions make any sense?

Yeah, I suppose so.

In a discotheque sort of way.

You know, Ray, sometimes all this
psychology is a lot of baloney.

Why don't you take the kid in the room someplace and tell
him to get his hair cut and take off that dumb necklace?

What if he won't do it?

Well, clobber him like we talked about.

Maybe so.

You mind me to handle him?

No, thank you, old friend.

You know, when I see Robbie and Katie and
their three sons, I see normalcy.

I see ambition all around me.

I suppose I'm just waiting for my
son-in-law to do something to make me proud.

Don't hold your breath.

I have no right to inflict myself and my
family's problem on you, Charley.

It's just that Gloria means so much to me.

You know, there were times when I think I
missed a lot by not getting married.

And then again, there were times like tonight.

Good night, Charley.

All right.

Thank you.

Well, we're off to Glendale.

Audition night, huh?

That's right.

Grandma has to look at the babies and tell me
how they resembled Grandpa when he went to college.

And Aunt Annie has to cry a little because
there weren't any girls.

Here, I'll get the door for you.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

None of that.

You're just going to love Glendale.

Not.

In the house, huh?

Okay.

I'll be back around 9.30, Dad.

Uh, Ernie, where are you going?

Well, Chip says it's okay if I go to
basketball practice with him.

Oh, he does?

Oh, I didn't ask you, did I?

No, you didn't.

Can I?

Yes, you can, and you may.

Good night.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, Dad.

Well, the emperor of the high seat rides again, huh?

That's me.

Well, Steve, in case you get hungry, there's some
pound cake in the bread box and some stew in the ice box.

All right, sir.

I've got to sing the invocation song down at the lodge.

Da-da-Dee-da-da-da.

You've got to heat the stew, you know.

Oh.

Go sing your invocation song, Charlie.

Good night.

Da-da-Dee-da-da-da.

Hello?

Yes, Ray, what's wrong?

Steve, Gloria had a little boy.

It's a little small and premature, but it's okay.

A boy, Steve?

And don't worry about how small he is.

It's okay.

Thanks for calling.

How's Laura?

Ray?

Ray?

Well.

Yes?

What now, Ray?

Steve, the reason why the boy was so
little is she had another boy.

Yes, two boys.

My descendants.

Hey, that's like twins.

Imagine, Steve.

My daughter and my wonderful son-in-law had twins.

Gloria is fine.

Ray, that's just great.

Hello, Mr. Douglas?

This is Henry Sue.

Dad's a little excited.

My own father passed out in the waiting room.

Congratulations, Henry.

Twins.

Twins, huh?

Two great Chinese-American boys.

Two great Chinese-American boys.

Okay.

Mr. Douglas, do you know what this means
in a Chinese family?

Sons, two man-children to honor our venerable ancestors.

I think I know.

I'd say you've bridged the generation gap, but good.

I wasn't exactly prepared for twins, but it's a
good feeling pleasing our ancestors for a change.

Dig?

Well, give Glory my love, huh?

And congratulations again.

Goodbye.