09x24 - Ernie the Transmitter

[bunniefuu]

Extrasensory perception, the ability to
designate the powers of perception beyond

the normal five senses, hearing,
seeing, smelling, tasting, touching,

a super sense, or to put it in simpler
terms, one which I'm sure you will all

understand, ESP, is when you make up your
mind to ask Dad for your allowance a week

in advance, and before you can ask the
question, he says no.

All right, seriously, I have here a number of cards.

One side is blank, and the other side,
each card has a color.

All of the colors are represented.

Now, I will turn the color sides face down, mix
them up, so that Eve and I do not know what to do.

Now, I should like each one of you here to
concentrate on this card.

Then tell me which color you think it to be.

All right, write your answer on a piece of paper.

Did anyone here select the color lavender?

I did, sir.

Anybody else?

Well, Douglas, out of a class of 20,
you're the only one who was right.

And considering the fact that choosing the
right color is a remote chance,

it might appear that Douglas has some
potential in the field of extrasensory perception.

Anyway, Uncle Charley, I've got ESP.

Well, you look at the commercials on
television, you ought to know what to do for it.

Uncle Charley, don't you know what ESP is?

Okay, so you got a joke.

I'll set it up for you.

What is ESP?

Extrasensory perception.

That's a joke?

Joke?

It's a scientific fact.

It means that a few people have a kind of
special power to know things other people don't.

Oh, and I've got it.

Who says so?

My science teacher.

Then how about using your ESP and picking
me out a horse tomorrow in the fifth?

Okay.

I gotta get soup on the table before the mafia arrives.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Hi.

I'm sorry I didn't help with dinner.

One of the triplets dropped his bottle and I didn't
know which one, so I had to feed all of them all over again.

Those kids already got it.

One of them drops a bottle, the others
cover up for him, and they all get fed twice.

What's the matter with you?

You sick or something?

No, I'm thinking.

He's sick.

Hi.

Hi, I think.

Well, I'm right on time.

I thought it was going to be a little late.

I got to hang up on the plan.

Shh.

Uh, what's he doing?

He's using his... He's using
his ESP to pick a horse for me.

His, uh, ESP?

Yeah, in case you don't know what it
is, it's... Oh, I know what it is, Charlie.

It's just that, uh, I wasn't aware that
Ernie was endowed with it.

Okay, Uncle Charlie, put your money on Flying Cloud.

Flying Cloud?

That nag hasn't won a race since Lincoln posed for pennies.

I thought, uh, ESP was supposed to be used
for more scientific purposes.

It works for anything.

Come on, Ernie.

Flying Cloud.

You better check your potatoes, Uncle Charlie.

They're gonna boil over.

Look, Odini, you worry about your ESP,
and I'll worry about the cooking.

The next thing you know...

Yeah, what do you know?

And now we come to another episode of
another phase of science, the law of chance.

For example, if I take this coin and toss it into the
air, it is an even chance that it will fall heads or tails.

Ernie, as long as you seem to be doing so
well, how would you call it?

Heads.

Heads it is.

Hey, what about that?

Of course, this is only the first step in
such an experiment.

The real test would be to examine a long
series of this particular phenomenon and

only then to judge whether it is ESP or chance.

ESP ESP ESP.

Let me see.

Will the door be unlocked or locked?

Unlocked.

Will.

tr*mp be waiting for me just inside the door?

He will.

Somehow I needed to be here, tr*mp.

Hi, Ernie.

You don't know where Katie is, do you?

Well, sure.

She's in the kitchen.

Hi, Rob.

Been looking for me?

Hi, Ernie.

Just wanted to know where you were.

Well, Uncle Charley's gone to the races,
so I'm chief cook and bottle washer.

Hi, Ernie.

Hey, there was a phone call for you.

Oh, what did Gordon want?

He said something about wanting you to...

Hey, how did you know it was Gordon?

There's very little I don't know, Chip.

Hal Brown, New York News.

You have become famous, Dr. Douglas,
through your great powers of ESP.

I'm sure the world would like to know when
you first discovered you had this talent.

Extra-sensory perception, Mr. Brown,
is something one does not acquire.

One is born with it.

And as representative of the President of
the United States, it gives me great

pleasure to honor Ernest Douglas,
one of our great exponents of ESP,

with this very special award for his services.

We thank you.

Hey, Ernie.

Ernie.

What is it, Uncle Charley?

That horse you picked, Flying Cloud, came in first.

Of course.

Paid 300 bucks on the $2 ticket.

You don't look very happy.

Oh, I'm miserable.

Yeah?

What?

I didn't bet on him.

It's nothing.

Oh, you bet.

Why are you so mad?

Well, the thing is, because I said it.

Listen, I said I'm w*r if he thinks about it.

Get a doctor a auction, I say.

That doesn't make any sense at all.

You'd better be favorite of the Baker boys.

Think of it that way.

What a right we are.

Startling, Rob.

It was a long shot.

No one thought that horse could win.

Yeah, well, Ernie knew.

He even knew Gordon called today before I told him.

Gordon calls every day.

You can set your watch by him.

Honey, Ernie actually knew what I was going to
wear today before I'd made up my mind myself.

Well, that was the power of suggestion or something.

Look, I took the same course in science.

I know all about the CSP bit.

Yeah, only since you went to school in the
olden days, Robbie, things have changed.

It's just right here that people can be
taught to use ESP in any form.

It's like a radio or TV.

My brain receives an electric impulse, and I transmit it.

Well, then, how about plugging in and
telling me what horse?

It's too much for me.

I've got to go upstairs and study.

See you later.

See you later.

Good night.

I'm terribly sorry, Uncle Charley.

I just can't tell you what horse is going
to win tomorrow, even though I know.

Yeah, for crying out loud, why not?

Because people with ESP have to be careful
not to use them for the wrong things.

Oh, boy.

One of these days.

Wow.

Wow.

I think I'll hit the sack.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

What's wrong with Robbie Junior?

Oh, it's nothing.

He's just...

How did you know it was Rob Junior who cried?

This sort of comes over me.

You know, Ernie, you're about to make me a believer.

I'm glad someone's on my side.

Hey, maybe you ought to call the police.

Call the doctor or something.

Oh, it's nothing.

He's just hungry.

Besides, I'm taking him to the doctor tomorrow.

It's time for their check-up.

I'll take Rob upstairs.

His daddy can come bring the others later.

You said you were going to the doctor's tomorrow?

He can't go.

Well, we have to.

I have an appointment with Dr. Osborne.

You can't go tomorrow.

You've got to listen to me, Katie.

You can't go tomorrow.

Oh, Ernie, the doctor would...
Now, don't ask me how I know.

I just know.

Go the day after.

Any day, but not tomorrow.

Because if you go tomorrow, there's going to be a disaster.

Ernie says there's going to be a disaster
tomorrow, and that's why you won't go?

You're believing in witchcraft.

Next thing, you'll be going to a fortune teller.

I will not.

I'll bet you read the horoscope every day, too.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, look, honey.

As a matter of fact, I read it this
morning, and you know what it said?

It said I was going to have an argument with a
stubborn, not-headed... I don't care what it said.

Now, look, all I know is that we
have an appointment tomorrow with Dr.

Osborne, whether that empty-headed
brother of mine says we can or not.

I have a right to say what I'm going to do.

So do I.

Those are my babies.

Well, I had them.

Katie, look, I know you're upset with all this.

You've worked hard all day.

Why don't you just think about this tonight
and tomorrow... I've made up my mind, Rob.

I'm not going to the doctors tomorrow, and that's final.

That's what you say.

Hi.

Dad, I'd like to talk to you.

Well, come on in.

Now, what's the trouble, Rob?

Ernie.

Ernie, huh?

He's convinced Katie that we shouldn't see Dr. Osborne
tomorrow because there's going to be a disaster.

Oh?

What kind of disaster?

It's this ESP kick he's on, Dad.

He's just going too far with his not-headed predictions.

Well, Rob, as you say, it's just one of
those phases he goes through.

This is his ESP.

This is his P phase.

Dad, if he wants to pick a horse for Uncle
Charley, that's fine.

Or if he wants to convince Chip that he
knows when someone's going to call,

that's fine, too.

But Katie and I are having a fight over his nonsense.

A whopper.

He's interfering in my life, my marriage,
and that's serious.

Where is he now?

I don't know.

He's probably in his room communicating
with the spirit of Genghis Khan or something.

Well, I guess I'd better have a talk with him.

Ernie, will you come here in Dad's room?

Please keep your voice down, Rob Douglas.

You'll wake up the babies.

You see what I mean, Dad?

I'm even yelling.

Ernie's got me so shook up that I'm even yelling.

I knew you were going to yell.

Daddy's all yours.

Well, Ernie, what is this about you
telling Katie she shouldn't go to the

doctor tomorrow because something terrible will happen?

Well, if she goes tomorrow, I just have a
feeling something terrible will happen.

Like what?

Well, I don't know exactly.

A thing sort of goes off in my head.

Well, Ernie, don't you think it's a little dangerous?

Is it dangerous to go around upsetting people
because a thing sort of goes off in your head?

Well, it would be worse if I didn't upset
them and something terrible happens.

You see, Dad, I got a feeling, and it's very strong.

ESP?

Yeah.

I can't help it if I've got it.

Ernie, I know you're serious about this,
and I don't want to downgrade you,

but I'm afraid what you've had is a series
of lucky hunches.

What about the color test at school?

I was the only one who picked out the right color.

Well, that's all the junk.

I don't know, Ernie.

I've certainly no authority on ESP,
but I do know it shouldn't be misused,

even if you do have it.

Oh, I have it all right.

Mr. Kranzman, my science teacher, told me I do.

In fact, it kind of scares him.

Well, Ernie, when you start making some
wrong guesses, and I'm afraid you will,

then you'll realize this whole thing was
just a matter of time.

Excuse me, I've got to take a shower.

The trouble with this house is nobody has
any faith in old Ernie.

You know, I think that Ernie has got something.

Do you mean to tell me that you actually believe
that garbage that Ernie's giving us about a disaster?

A disaster if we go today?

Robbie, you've got to stop using talk like
that in front of the triplets.

They'll start picking it up.

That's right.

Oh, now, don't tell me that just because
Ernie gets the right color on that dumb

card test that he can throw a whole family into an uproar.

Right.

I'm sorry, Uncle Charley, I don't like to
go against your wishes.

Well, how about my wishes?

You're my wife.

You promised to obey.

Here.

You can't handle those babes by yourself.

Well, then.

Start acting like a normal mother instead
of Svengali's tribble.

Trilby.

Whatever.

You don't have to.

Why don't I drive?

No thanks.

I'll drive.

I have something to prove.

And we'll get there safely and we'll come back safely.

Oh, no.

And there will not be a disaster unless
Katie forgets to bring some extra diapers.

Oh, sure.

Come on.

They're two hours late in getting home.

We know.

Look at that, Ernie.

Maybe they stopped by a market.

Yeah, maybe.

What time was their appointment?



It shouldn't take two hours just for a checkup.

Well, there are three babies, Ernie.

Yeah, but the last time it only took a half an hour.

Well, they'll be here soon.

I sure hope they didn't take that detour
to get to the doctor's office.

What detour?

The one on California Boulevard.

They're digging big ditches on either side.

Real dangerous.

Well, I'm sure Robbie will see the signs.

I don't think so.

Somebody ran into them this morning and
knocked them all down.

I thought those signs there.

Anyone could make a mistake.

Pow!

Curtains.

Are.

You going to call the police, Dad?

I'm going to call the doctor's office and
find out what time they left.

We really ought to call the hospital.

Ern, will you be quiet?

Just a suggestion.

Hey, here they are.

Well, yeah.

It's about time.

Yeah.

Well, you're all okay?

Fine as can be.

Your baby's okay, too?

Everybody is okay.

Dr. Osborne said they're the best and
healthiest triplets in the city.

You mean you got there and back without any trouble?

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Erin,
but we didn't run into one disaster.

I'm not disappointed.

I'm glad.

I just don't understand it.

Aren't they wonderful, Dan?

Oh, they look great.

In fact, they never look better.

Hi.

Dad, you didn't have to get up.

Oh, I was just up there reading, and I
knew it was about time for their feeding.

Well, I just like to do it.

Here you are, medium rare.

Thank you.

I'm kind of hungry.

I think I'll have a sandwich.

Good night.

Good night.

Honey, how come you didn't wake me up?

I'm saving you for the late, late show.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Rob.

Want me to get you a glass?

Sure, please.

Hey, what's everybody doing up?

Oh, doesn't that super brain of yours know why?

I don't think it works when I'm asleep.

I don't think it works, period.

Yes, it does.

Okay, Erin.

You told us that if we went to the
doctor's today, there'd be a disaster.

We went, and there wasn't.

Then what took you so long getting home?

I had a flat tire.

Oh?

Yeah.

And then when we hit that detour, I got a
ticket for not slowing down to 10 miles an hour.

Then we decided to take the long way home.

That's as simple as that.

Well, good night.

Good night, Robbie.

If it's okay to go upstairs, sir.

Dan, do you think there's anything to this ESP stuff?

Well, Ernie, I can't prove that there is, but
on the other hand, I can't prove that there isn't.

But it was so clear in my mind that something would happen.

Well, something did happen.

I mean, Robbie had a flat tire and, well, he got a ticket.

Yeah, but I mean a real disaster.

Well, look at it this way, Ernie.

If he'd gotten two more tickets,
he would have lost his driver's license.

Now, that would have been a real disaster.

Yeah, it would have.

Uh, Ernie, what am I thinking?

You don't think I should be up so late?

Not even close.

I was just wondering if you wanted a sandwich.

Oh, heck, yeah.

Well, that's why I came down in the first place.

Let's just have some bread, huh?

Hey, Dad, you must have ESP, too.

Hey, how about that?