09x26 - Ernie Is Smitten

[bunniefuu]

Well, Ernie, can you tell me now?

Well, it's one of those things that's real
clear in my head.

It comes out of my mouth all around.

Well, we've covered just about everything
that could be bothering you.

You say it's not your schoolwork, and
you're not sick, and it certainly couldn't be a girl.

Try the third one again.

The third one?

A girl?

Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.

I still don't understand, Ernie.

What about a girl?

Well, remember how I used to hate her?

I remember a certain distaste, yes.

This is real embarrassing, but I don't hate him anymore.

Oh, I see.

Hey, honey.

Hmm?

I hear voices.

Burglars don't usually talk to each other.

Not burglars.

Dad's talking to somebody.

Oh.

Must be awfully important for them to be discussed.

I'm not discussing it this time of night.

Mm-hmm.

I used to think all girls were jerks.

Then Margaret Cruikshank got her desk
changed right next to mine.

Margaret Cruikshank, huh?

Then I started talking to myself.

Well, Ernie, I'd say you were simply
experiencing your first crush.

I heard about them.

Just didn't think they'd ever happen.

Well, you've arrived at the age where it's
a very natural thing, you know.

There's certainly nothing to get this worried about.

Well, it's not the crush part that's so bad.

It's the part where Margaret Cruikshank can't stand me.

I'm sure that's not true.

It's true, all right.

I lend Margaret stuff.

I act polite to her.

I even change my socks every day, just in case she notices.

What does Margaret do?

Nothing.

So I guess she can't stand me.

Well, Ernie, maybe you just haven't
attracted Margaret's attention.

She probably doesn't even know you like her.

Well, I don't want to do cartwheels in
front of her and jump.

Ernie, I remember once there was a girl I used to like.

And I couldn't get her to notice me.

She didn't know I existed.

What'd you do?

I, uh, I grew a mustache.

And you know that was the one thing she noticed?

The mustache became a conversation piece
and, uh, well, it broke the ice.

You grew a mustache in junior high?

No, no, no.

I was, uh, I was in college.

Oh, that's good.

Well, I don't think I could grow one yet.

Well, Ernie, all I'm trying to say is
that, uh, well, why don't you try to think

of something that will make it easier for
you to talk to Margaret?

To break up the ice?

That's right.

Hey, thanks, Dad.

I'm already starting to get some ideas.

I guess I better go to bed and start working them out.

Good night, Dad.

Good night.

Now, don't just lick off the marmalade.

Eat the whole thing.

Uncle Charley.

Do you really think this is the kind of
thing that'll make Margaret notice me?

She can't miss.

Well, it's not stupid looking.

I'll say it again.

She's got to notice you.

What do you say, Iris?

May I borrow a pencil, please?

Can.

I can't find my pencil.

Do you want to borrow mine, Margaret?

Roger, may I please borrow a pencil?

Rob?

Huh?

I hear voices again.

Swell.

So Margaret sits down and starts looking for a pencil.

I get a pencil, get ready to give it to her.

She doesn't even look at me.

Gets a pencil from Roger.

And I'm back in here asking her what to do.

Well, Ernie... She never even noticed my hair.

Well, maybe you'll need something more to
attract her attention.

Like what?

Well, let's see.

Well, it's Iris is always getting in the way.

Iris?

Oh, she's just some regular girl that keeps looking at me.

Oh.

Dad, do you really think Margaret
Cruikshank can't stand me?

Oh, of course not, Ernie.

I've got to get Margaret's attention.

We've established that, Ernie.

Hey, I just thought of something.

Well, good.

Thanks, Dad.

Not really.

I don't want you doing anything foolish.

I mean, don't lose your sense of perspective.

Oh, no.

This is something that kids like.

Good night, Dad.

Good night.

Good night, Ernie.

I guess I'll just sit down and wait for class to start.

My books and my transistor radio.

Well,

it's real weird how they get all these
tubes and junk inside of these things.

And you get out all that rock and roll you want.

Well, that's neat, Ernie.

I'm not playing it for the whole population of us.

You can switch the stations around and everything.

What do you want to eat lunch with me?

You could listen to me.

Ernie, why don't you turn that thing off before the
teacher gets here and you get everybody in trouble?

He's just old-fashioned heartbroken.

Yeah, he asked me if God should have invented women.

Well, you know, if you get scorned by Margaret Cruikshank.

It's not funny to Ernie, honey.

He's been sitting in there for two hours
and hasn't even turned on the television.

And that's weird.

Hey, Chip, why don't you give him a little time tonight?

You know, sort of cheer him up?

I would, Uncle Charley, but I promised Gloria.

Crookshank, I'd come over and study with her.

Crookshank?

Hey, Gloria does have a little sister.

I think her name's Margaret.

Going around with Margaret Crookshank's sister?

I think so.

Oh, look, Chip, why don't you get over there?

Get in front of Margaret and talk my name around.

Say things like, oh, yeah, that reminds me
of my brother Ernie.

Tell her how neat.

I take baths and I clear the clearing.

Yes, I'm sure I'll be working late, Charley, so
I'll have to have dinner out at the plant again.

Well, it's your stomach.

Keep an eye on things, huh?

I'll give you a full report on the romance
of the century when you get home.

Oh, see, I didn't get a chance to talk to Ernie last night.

How is everything?

Oh, he's doing great.

Chip is going with Margaret's sister,
just like they do in the cheap movie.

Well, bye-bye, Charlie.

Bye-bye.

You're going to miss a good dinner.

Right, Sheriff.

Margaret?

Margaret?

Hey, Mark.

Miss Crookshank.

What is it, Ernie?

How are you?

Fine.

I guess you heard about my older brother
hanging around with your older sister.

Does your brother go out with Margaret's sister?

Yeah.

I guess the Douglases and the Crookshanks
hit it off pretty good.

Right now, settle down.

Class will please come to order.

Whatever your sister likes my brother for,
probably runs in the family.

Today I will select the couples for our poetry recitation.

Each girl will do one half of the poem,
and the boy the other.

The poems must be memorized by tomorrow.

Maybe I'll come along with my brother the
next time he comes over to your place.

Ernie, will you please be quiet?

And since Ernie Douglas and Margaret
Crookshank can't seem to pay attention,

perhaps they'd like to be our first couple.

Thanks a lot, Ernie.

I don't think it's so bad.

To yearn.

To yearn is to need, to want.

But soon we learned it's like a coin by a thief perlorn.

Perlorn means swipe.

Thanks.

Let me try it again.

Is there anything that says you have to do it 20,000 times?

My part of the poem leads right into Margaret's part.

If I blow it, it makes her look real stupid.

Look.

Look.

To yearn.

To yearn is to need, to want.

But soon we learned it's like a coin by a thief perlorn.

Perlorn means swipe.

That's just what I've been saying.

Which means if I even know it, then you've said it enough.

Okay.

I just don't want to mess up in front of Margaret.

You know what I better do?

I said you know what I better do.

Ernie, I'm trying to study.

I better call up Margaret.

Well, just to see if she has her part of
the poem memorized.

A guy shouldn't pester girls, Ernie.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I better do.

Hey, quiet.

Of course I can't do it without the
Crookshanks phone number.



I won't bother you anymore.

Thanks.

I just decided I better go over to Margaret's.

You know, help her with the poem.

Good idea.

Hello, Margaret?

Just a minute.

She's on the phone.

What do I say now?

If you want to go and see her, just ask her.

Yeah, but there must be some cool way to say it.

Ernie.

Ernie, I've got a test tomorrow.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, who is this?

Hi, Margaret.

It's Ernie Douglas.

Oh, hello, Ernie.

I better come over to your house and help
you with the poem.

No, I don't think so.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

She hates me.

So, I convinced you.

Mr. Ernie, that the little girl doesn't hate him.

This was last night.

She doesn't hate you.

She doesn't hate you, I told you.

Well, I'm sorry I haven't been home enough
to help him, Charley.

This is an important time for him.

What important time?

She's always got a little girl that hates him.

I had a girl that hated me in Singapore once.

We went steady for four years.

I heard something about a poem.

What's that?

Oh, yeah.

It's something he has to do in class with
this Cruikshank girl.

He says if he blows it in front of her, he's going to
swear off eating and shave his head or something like that.

Let's hope he knows it.

Oh, he knows it, all right.

Chip knows it, and I know it.

He even called the operator and tried it out on her.

A lovely recitation, Marsha.

Rosie, thank you.

We're next, Ernie.

I hope you know your part.

I know, what's sideways?

And now, Margaret Cruikshank and Ernie Douglas.

Good luck, Ernie.

Will you begin the poem, To Yearn, please, Ernie?

Tear.

Can I start over again?

Of course you may.

Thanks.

Okay.

To yearn.

To yearn.

I really know it, Margaret.

Oh, wait.

Wait, it almost came out.

To yearn.

To yearn is to purloin.

Start again, Ernie.

To yearn.

To yearn.

To yearn.

To yearn.

To yearn.

To yearn.

To yearn.

That's right.

He blew the whole thing right in front of the girl.

I suppose he's pretty upset about it, huh?

I know a guy whose girl ran off with a
birdbath salesman on their wedding day,

and he wasn't half as safe as Ernie is, right?

Maybe I'd better have a talk with him, Charlie.

Oh, let her ride for a while, Steve.

Steve, and Chip has gone over to the Crookshanks.

To study?

Mainly to find out what Margaret thinks of Ernie.

And he's sitting upstairs in his room
right now, waiting for the results.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Iris.

Would you mind getting off the phone pretty soon?

Chip's gone over to somebody's house to find out some...

some junk, and he might want to tell me
what he found out in a hurry or something.

Well, I think the teacher wants us to look
up some junk about, uh, Benjamin Franklin.

Only she gets hacked if you mention how he flew a kite.

Well, uh, I can't talk anymore.

I might get some good news any minute.

Okay, goodbye.

You know I don't like to do things like this.

Yes, you explained that, Chip.

What does your sister think about my brother?

Well, your brother's name is Ernie, isn't it?

Yeah, he's the one.

Well.

Seems like you don't want to answer.

Well, um.

Yeah, you don't want to answer.

Hi.

Just a second.

Chip, why don't you ask Margaret herself?

Margaret, I'd like you to meet Chip Douglas.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm old Ernie Douglas's brother.

Nice to meet you.

Chip would like to ask you something, Margaret.

Yeah.

Well, it's about Ernie.

Oh.

You know, he's going to get a lot taller.

You get to a certain age in our family and
you sh**t right up.

Mm-hmm.

He's real smart for his age.

What were you going to ask me?

Do you like Ernie?

Well, not really.

Oh.

Then Margaret said, not really.

It was just a plight way of saying she
didn't like Ernie at all.

Have you talked to Ernie yet?

No.

I'd feel horrible breaking the news.

Well, maybe I'd better handle it, Chip.

Ask Ernie to come in with you.

Okay, Dad.

Hey, when did you get back?

Hey, what happened over at the Crookshanks?

Well, Dad'll tell you.

Hi, Ernie.

If Chip doesn't want to tell me, then
Margaret Crookshank hates me, right?

No, no.

No, that isn't right, Ernie.

Well, if she likes me, Chip would have told me in a minute.

Ernie, let me explain.

We're not dealing with the word hate.

Well, if Margaret hates me, we are.

Now, look, I think you're old enough to
realize that, uh, well, there are certain

people that, uh, well, you either hit it
off with or you don't hit it off with.

Huh?

Well, does this have anything to do with
what Margaret said to Chip?

Well, all I'm trying to say, Ernie,
is that Margaret doesn't hate you.

Well, if she likes me?

Well, I, uh, I'm not saying that either.

Well, I don't get it.

Ernie.

Ernie, now, this happens to me,
and it, uh, well, it happens to everybody.

All through your life, you're going to run
into certain people who, uh, well,

for some reason or other, just don't
particularly enjoy your company.

You mean hate to be with me?

I didn't say hate.

I said they don't particularly enjoy your company.

Then Margaret must be one of those people.

Well, possibly, Ernie.

It's just one of those things we all have to face.

From time to time.

But I never did anything to make her not enjoy my company.

No, I'm sure you didn't, Ernie.

Then I guess Margaret doesn't like me.

Almost for no reason.

Well, according to Chip's report,
I, uh, I guess that's about it, Ernie.

This isn't one of those things that's real
easy to take, you know.

I know.

No.

Well, thanks for trying to explain, Dad.

Oh, it's all right, Ernie.

Good night.

Uh, Ernie.

Yeah, Dad?

Good, uh, good night.

Dad says some people just don't like other people.

Don't forget, Ernie, Margaret Cruikshank
isn't the only girl in the world.

Yeah, but she's the only one I like.

What about that other girl?

She's always trying to be friends.

Calls up all the time and everything.

Iris?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you should forget about Margaret.

I saw a movie once where a guy had to go
on the Forum Legion to forget some lady.

He probably wouldn't pass the physical.

That was supposed to cheer you up.

Yeah.

Look, Ernie, you like one girl now and she
doesn't like you.

In a year or something, she might like you
and you might not like her.

It's just the way things happen.

But I keep saying Margaret Cruikshank over
and over to myself.

Look, Ernie, I'm in high school now and I
know all the answers.

Forget Margaret.

Think about Iris.

Answer me something, Ernie.

What's wrong with Iris?

She's okay.

She's okay, I guess.

Well, is she weird?

A creep or something?

No, no, no, she's okay.

But you just don't like her, right?

Are you taking psychology in school or something?

No.

I'm just saying, who knows why people like each other?

So maybe you better take another look at this Iris.

What good would that do?

You're way ahead with her.

I mean, you don't have to show off or impress her.

She already likes you.

I can't find my pencil.

Neither can I.