10x18 - You Can't Go Home

[bunniefuu]

Three Sons.

Starring Fred McMurray.

And his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

Yes, Janice.

Mrs. Who?

I don't think I... She beat me at golf when?

Oh my gosh.

Send her in.

Send her in.

Steve.

Steve Douglas.

Sylvia.

What a wonderful surprise.

Let me look at you.

Eyes, skin, teeth.

Ah, you'll do.

You know, you don't have the decency to
look one minute older.

I'm afraid that's not true, but it's good to hear.

How about you, though?

You look great.

Oh, thank you.

Well, come on, sit down.

How did you find me?

It was very difficult.

I heard you'd moved to California.

And I knew you worked for this company,
so I just looked you up in the phone book.

Still, I can't tell you how good it is to see you again.

It's been a long time.

Yes, it has.

You know, I should have married you, Steve.

You'd have saved me two husbands,
a few boyfriends, and a lot of trouble.

I heard you'd gotten married.

Profitably, but not happily.

You know, you're the only man I ever beat
at golf that didn't get silly about it.

Oh, come on, you only beat me once,
and I had a sprained thumb, remember?

Oh, uh, come on in.

Excuse me, Dad, but... Miss Linden!

Oh, it's Mrs. Cannon.

Oh, until the divorce is final.

Well, hi!

Syl, you remember my son.

Chip!

If you tell me this is Chip, I'm gonna go
out and get myself a cane.

No, I'm Rob.

Oh, Robbie.

Hi, how are you, Syl?

Boy, you look great.

Time's done a wonderful thing for you.

You're a handsome young man.

Thanks.

Done more than that, Syl.

Rob's married now, and he's the father of triplets.

You're kidding.

Honest.

And did you know that Dad's married now?

No.

Yeah, it took me a while, but I finally did it.

Oh, well, naturally.

I mean, you can't expect him to stay single forever.

Some lucky girl had to get him.

Your name's Barbara.

She's wonderful.

You've got to be there, Syl.

Well, why don't you and Rob and I have a cup of coffee
and talk over old times' sake and just let it go with that?

No, I want you to come out in the house.

Barbara's love to meet you.

Charley?

I can't help you in here until I finish
cleaning that stupid oven.

How did you know that's what I was going to ask you?

Well, ain't it?

Yes.

I was thinking about moving this couch
against another wall.

I tried that once.

And?

And Steve walked in here one night in the dark and
almost k*lled himself trying to lay down on a coffee table.

I don't believe it.

But I can see you don't think it's a very good idea.

Yeah.

Well, what am I supposed to do after I
urge my way through the oven?

Oh, I don't know.

Anything that pleases you.

The floors.

I can tell you one thing.

This house is going to sparkle from top to bottom.

Yeah, well, you think that Steve will know
the difference between ordinary,

clean, and sparkling?

Maybe not.

But you and I will.

Oh, you can say that again, Alice.

Oh, my backbone.

He's bringing her home to meet Barbara.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

That's what's wrong with it.

Why is it that men never understand women?

Why is it that women always make something out of nothing?

Katie, Dad and Sylvia belonged to the same
country club back in Bryant Park.

They had a few dates, a few laughs.

She's an old friend.

If you can't bring an old friend home to meet
your wife, there's something wrong with the marriage.

Katie, if Dad felt any sense of guilt about Sylvia,
you think he'd bring her home to meet Barbara?

No.

And if Dad wasn't proud of Barbara, do you think
he'd bother to have her meet an old friend of his?

No.

All right.

What do you find so wrong about the situation?

Well, the dumb.

What has she been doing between when she
went with Dad and now?

Well, she, uh, she got married.

Twice.

And, uh, she seems to be sort of rich.

Rob.

Yeah?

I would give anything to be there when Dad
arrives with his old friend who's

attractive in an older way and has been
married a couple of times and is now rich.

Barbara, why don't you quit?

Steve will be home for dinner pretty soon.

As soon as I finish those stairs.

Oh, Charley, do you want to put the
meatloaf I made in the oven for me?

After all the work I did cleaning that
oven, I'll fry the meatloaf.

Hey, look it, the phone's off the hook.

No wonder we haven't been getting any calls.

Oh, it must have been Dodie here, one of the kids.

Barbara, cut.

Sylvia, this is Barbara.

Barbara, this is Sylvia.

Cannon.

Oh, Cannon, Mrs. Cannon.

Oh, uh, well, I, I was spot cleaning.

Um, hello, Mrs. Cannon.

Honey, why don't you just call her Sylvia?

She's an old friend of ours from Bryant Park.

Oh, uh, Sylvia.

Barbara, I told Steve this was the wrong
thing to do, but he wouldn't listen to me.

I tried to call you, but the phone was busy.

Oh, well, I guess Dodie or Ernie or
somebody left the phone off the hook.

No.

Hey, where's Charley?

In the kitchen.

I won't wait till he sees you.

Charley!

Syl, it is Sylvia Lennon!

Oh, Charley, O'Casey, my favorite sailor.

Don't you look great, Charley?

Oh, sensational.

By the way, the name is Cannon now.

Cannon?

I always knew you'd be a big shot.

Oh, Charley.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go get
into something decent.

Oh, you look fine, honey.

Oh, no, she don't, Steve.

And besides, she smells the spot cleaner.

Take your time and get spruced up.

See, because Sylvia and Steve and me have
got plenty to talk about.

Hey, fellas, look who's here.

Sylvia!

Hello, how do you do?

What are you doing here?

You've got to be Chip.

I am.

Oh, and Ernie, my goodness, how you've grown.

Yeah, I couldn't help it.

There's Dad, Sylvia, and Uncle Charley.

That time we went to that company picnic.

That's right.

Sweetheart, time to bed.

Oh, how come?

Everybody's laughing and jock.

Can't you stay for a little while, Barbara?

I just adore little girls.

Well, five more minutes.

Tomorrow's school day.

Here's the only picture that turned out that day.

We all got snowed in.

Snowed in?

Yeah.

Yeah, we were up at this mountain cabin.

We were skiing, and it started to snow.

And, man, it really snowed.

Oh, it sure did.

Sylvia was driving by, and her car got
stuck, and she just barely made it to the cabin.

We were snowbound for two days.

We were just about to burn all the furniture
in the fireplace when the snow plow got us out.

They're making it sound worse than it was, Barbara.

We're two beautiful days by the fireplace
with good friends.

Oh, here's Chip when he first started to walk.

Oh, the sign.

He's keeping over him.

Right.

Oh, isn't that great?

You know, someday we're all going to sit
down and get these pictures put in albums.

Well, would anybody like some more coffee?

Oh, no, thank you, Barbara, and I really have to go.

Come on, what's your hurry?

You just got here.

I barged in on your dinner.

I've been taking up everybody's time for
hours, and it's time for you to go to bed, darling.

Oh, come on.

What's your hurry?

Oh, look, he's just got here.

We'll get a lemon this evening.

We'll have him busy alone.

We've got all these pictures to look at.

The pictures are just great.

You ought to look at them.

Barbara, it was so nice meeting you.

And, Charley, your meatloaf was great, even if
you had to foul up your nice, clean oven to bake it.

Sylvia, you'll have to come back soon.

Dodie, you want to say goodnight?

Goodnight, Aunt Sylvia.

Goodbye, darling.

Well, I can't tell you how great it is to
see all of you again.

Well, you make it sound like we're not
going to see you anymore.

How long are you going to be in town?

Oh, I live here now.

As a matter of fact, I've got a box at Dodger Stadium.

That's how permanent.

Chip, would you and Ernie like to see the
Dodger and Giant game Saturday?

Oh, that would be great.

Well, then I'll send the car for you.

Well, that's very nice of you.

They're boys of big Dodger fans.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yeah, Herb.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, don't worry about it.

We'll get somebody else to fill in, Bill or...

Hey, wait a minute.

I've got a golfer right here.

Syl, are you busy Saturday morning?

No.

Well, then how about filling out a foursome at the club?

You'll love the course, won't you, Barb?

Oh, yeah.

She'll love it.

Well, it sounds like fun.

Fine.

Well, it's all set, Herb.

Yeah.

Now, goodbye.

Well, so long now.

All right.

All right.

Well, you're going to want to see these pictures again.

Oh, honey, Sylvia sent her car back to the
apartment so I'll drive her home.

Why don't you come along?

Well, I have to put Dodie to bed.

Oh, well, see you later.

Did that nice lady ask you to call her Aunt Sylvia?

Yeah.

Isn't she neat?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's neat.

Neat.

Are you telling me she showed up at the plant again today?

After last night?

What is after last night supposed to mean?

They had dinner together and looked
through a few photo albums for a while.

It's not exactly a Roman orgy.

Katie, I like her.

She's an old friend.

She helped me find myself when I was all
mixed up back in Bryant Park.

Rob, when you were all mixed up back in
Bryant Park, what were you all mixed up about?

About girls.

But I didn't understand them then.

In the beginning, I think I don't understand them now.

Look, honey, don't get all hung up about Sylvia.

She's just a good friend of Dad's.

I'll bet you Barbara isn't carrying on like this.

She was there for lunch today.

Why today?

I mean, you're playing golf with her
tomorrow morning, aren't you?

Robbie asked her.

Why?

Why what, honey?

Why would Robbie...

You were playing golf with her early tomorrow morning.

Hey, you're right.

I had better get to sleep.

We're teeing off at eight.

Good night, darling.

Well,

if that wasn't enough, you told the guy you offered.

Well, I thought he had it coming to him.

You know, for a while there, he seemed
like a very nice fellow.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hello, Barbara.

Hi, Sylvia.

Did you all have breakfast?

Oh, yeah, we're just finishing up.

We were just talking about the time that
Sylvia told this fresh guy off.

You see, we were all on this hayride,
and one of the horses pulled up lame.

And we walked all the way to the farmhouse and
asked the man to please take us back into town.

Yeah, Lenny wanted Syl to ride in the front seat.

Oh, now, Steve, that's not... Hey, we'd better get going.

How long does it take to get to the club?

Oh, about 20 minutes.

Well, it's just about me.

Yeah, will you be home for lunch?

Oh, no, we'll grab something at the club.

Oh, all right.

Goodbye, Lenny.

Bye.

Barbara, I'm sending the car for the boys, and
there'll be plenty of room if Dodie wants to go, too.

Oh, well, I'll see.

Steve, are you sure your friends are going
to enjoy playing golf with a woman?

Just wait till they see you hit the ball.

See you later.

What a woman.

You know, she's live on the beach,
Steve, at that golf game.

Charlie.

Yeah?

Um, how long have you and the family known Sylvia?

Oh, it goes way back.

Long before I came to live with them.

Steve told me that she came over one night to babysit Chip.

And the minute she walked in the door, she became family.

I, uh, well, I suppose Steve took her out.

Oh, sure.

He used to go out with her once in a while, but
she was dating several other fellas at the time.

Even me.

You?

Sure.

We used to go bowling together.

Now, there's a dame with class.

Compared to what?

Nothing.

Did I ever tell you about the time that Steve, Sylve,
and me went to the wrong stadium to see a football game?

And there was nothing going on?

Man, did you see Lauren going to a ball game yet?

Yeah.

I got a weird feeling, like halfway between I
hope nobody sees us and I hope everybody sees us.

All right, now you stay right close to
Chip and Ernie, okay?

Okay.

All right.

No, she's out playing golf with Dad.

Okay.

Well, have a good time at the ball game.

Well, I think I want everybody to see us.

Well, that car sure is shiny.

You want us all to sit in back, sir?

If you like.

Okay.

Hey, what kind of mileage do you get on this thing?

I'm not sure.

Sure.

Mrs. Cannon is not too concerned about mileage, sir.

Well,

you got to admit it.

Sylvia's got everything.

Yeah, you got to admit that.

Barbara.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Hi.

Hey, come on.

You go gab with Barbara, and I'll take care of the kids.

Thanks.

Hey, little Charley, I'll cheer you up.

Come on.

Was that her car?

Yeah, she, uh, she said it to pick up Dodie
and the boys, take them to the ball game.

Rob tells me she and Dad are playing golf together.

It's a foursome.

What does Dad have to say about all of this?

Katie, she's just an old friend.

Oh.

No, really.

You know, there are a lot of ways I could
have handled this situation.

Get angry, hurt, cry, be ultra-feminine.

But when men are innocent, they're really blind.

Can't Dad, or Rob for that matter,
can't they see what she's doing?

What is she doing?

Well, she's...

Katie, you're feeling a natural dislike
for somebody who comes into our lives,

and tries to pick up where she left off.

I feel it, too.

Good.

I was beginning to think I was the only
one in the family that resented her.

Well, I'm not that much of a Saint.

But I look at Steve, and Robbie, and Charley, and
Chip, and, well, they all treat her like one of the boys.

How would you like to be treated like one of the boys?

I wouldn't.

You see, Steve knows he's innocent.

So he has no reason to hide anything.

It's naive, but it's masculine.

Rob tried to tell me the same thing last night.

I just couldn't quite get it.

You think someday I'll ever get smart like you?

Oh, smart like me.

I've had butterflies in my stomach ever
since that woman caught me cleaning the stairs.

Just the same.

You didn't lose your temper.

I would have gone right through the roof.

No point in that.

Hi.

Well, hi, darling.

Hi, Dad.

How was the game?

Oh, fine, fine.

Had a good game.

And you know, Syl had an 82 with a ball out of bounds?

Yeah, that's nice.

We played a foursome.

Syl and I paired up against two other
fellas, and we won four ways.

Fine.

Well, did you have lunch?

Yeah, we ate out at the club.

You know, the eighth hole is 187 yards long.

It's a par three.

And you know what?

What?

Syl drove the green.

I'm off to the left.

The other two fellas are short, and she drove the green.

Hmm.

Well, it must take a lot of muscles to do
something like that.

Oh, no, I say more coordination than muscles.

Oh, I see.

Steve, I wanted to know if, uh...
Oh, what's that on your cheek?

What's that?

Lipstick?

Oh, it could be.

You know, Syl got so excited about winning
that she gave me a victory kiss.

Well, I'll go and change.

Did she also give you a victory kiss when
you took her home?

Oh, I didn't take her home.

She's out in the kitchen with Charlie.

Hey, get a load of this.

Oh, Katie, this is the famous Sylvia.

Hello, Katie.

Hello, Sylvia.

She even knows which is which.

Oh, yes, this is little Steve and little
Robbie Junior and little Charlie.

I didn't know you liked babies.

Oh, there are a lot of things you don't
know about me, Charlie O'Casey.

There we go.

Now, it must be wonderful being a part of this family.

Charlie, I have to go.

Why do you have to go?

I think Barbara knows.

Goodbye, Barbara.

Goodbye, Sylvia.

Goodbye, Katie.

Goodbye.

I want to thank you for putting up with all this nonsense.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And you can tell Steve that I was hit by a
strong and unexpected attack of self-pity, okay?

Goodbye, Charlie.

Hey, wait a minute.

How are you going to get home?

Oh, I'll think of something.

What was she talking about?

I'm not sure.

But she said you knew.

Well, I think she just got tired of being one of the boys.

Oh, I guess so.

Only I don't think having a wet cloth in my
head is going to make my stomach feel any better.

You're probably right.

It seems to be one of those things parents always do.

It's not any mysterious disease or anything, Dad.

He just ate too much junk at the ballgame,
and so did Dodie.

What did you eat, Ernie?

Oh, not much.

Two or three hot dogs, a malt sundae,
a couple of bags of popcorn.

And don't forget the candy bars.

You're right, Chip.

It isn't a mysterious illness.

Better climb into bed or you'll feel better in the morning.

I hope.

Good night.

Dad?

What did Barbara think of Sylvia?

Well, she hasn't said, but I'm sure she likes her.

You mean she didn't get hacked because she
played golf with her and everything?

No, why should she get hacked?

Well, I was just wondering.

But every time I think one girl should like
another one, they always hate each other.

Well, Chip, Sylvia is just a friend of the family.

She's not an old flame or anything.

Barbara understands that.

Well, that's what I thought until I
introduced Mary Sue Wilson to Janie Singer.

Janie clobbered her.

Well, I hope you're not comparing Barbara
and Sylvia with Mary Sue and Janie.

Well, I wasn't trying to start anything, Dad.

I just thought I'd ask.

Oh.

Well, good night.

Night.

Well, how's Dodie doing?

Well, she'll be all right.

How's Ernie?

I think he's going to make it.

Steve, do you have any idea what they had to eat?

Yes, I just took inventory with Ernie.

I don't know about Dodie, but Ernie had
two or three hot dogs, a couple of bags of

popcorn, a sundae, and a couple of candy bars.

Oh, Dodie turned down the candy bars.

Huh?

What do you think of Sylvia?

Honestly.

I like her.

Why?

Well, I would just thinking some people
might have gotten the wrong idea about, uh...

What I'm trying to say is Chip brought up
something that, well, it really hadn't occurred to me.

Oh?

It got me to thinking that, uh...

Well, bringing Sylvia home to meet you
wasn't exactly the smartest thing I've ever done.

Steve.

She's an old family friend, right?

And if you had any guilt feeling about her, you
never would have brought her home to meet me.

Right?

Oh, that's right.

But what am I taking her to play golf and leaving you home?

Now that I think of that, it wasn't the
brightest thing I've ever done either.

Well, if you're thinking about the victory
kiss, I never gave it a second thought.

You know something?

You're quite a wife.

I'm afraid she has a lot to learn.

Sylvia?

No, no, Janie Singer.

Did I miss something?

Who's Janie Singer?

Well, you see, Chip introduced his old girlfriend,
Mary Sue Wilson, to his new girlfriend, Janie Singer.

And it seems that Janie clobbered her.