10x26 - J.P. Douglas

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons Starring Fred McMurray And
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

If you don't mind.

Sorry, Uncle Charley.

Seems the last time I looked you had a desk in your room.

Yeah, but you need room to spread out and
grow when you're tackling the world of finance.

The world of what?

The dynamics of modern economy.

My teacher, Mr. Fisher, wrote the book.

Nothing in there says you have to spread
out in my kitchen, does it?

No, but it does say a lot of things that
could help you out right here in the kitchen.

Like what, for instance?

For instance, if you check the paper, you know that this
sells for two cents less at Farmers than at our grocery.

You don't say.

Sure, and on potatoes, well, you save a nickel at B&P.

And on dog food, well, there's a savings
of three cents at Maven's.

And how much does it cost me to run around to them places?

It's not a question of that, Uncle Charley.

It's merely a matter of maintaining discipline, and all
matters are monetary expenditure, no matter how small.

If you don't weigh your small purchases
carefully, you can't expect your larger

investments to bear the full fruit of financial reward.

And from little acorns, I grow a money tree?

Wait a minute, Uncle Charley.

Now, in the last two weeks, well,
naturally, by careful selection,

I've run a $200 investment into a stock
portfolio worth well over $2,000.

Of course, that's all on paper, if you're...

Well, sure.

Yeah, well, that's like doping out an eight-horse
parley and forgetting to put your $2 down.

It's worth nothing.

You don't want that.

Only for one reason.

Gin.

How many did I catch you with?



That's five and a half kisses you owe me.

Hey, Steve.

Steve, Chip is out there.

Five and a half what?

Ten points equals one kiss.

And he's down 55 points, so he owes me
five and a half kisses.

We settle up later.

What's the half?

You kiss him with one lip?

Hey, Charlie, Chip is out there what?

Oh, he's out there being a financial pain in the neck.

I'm ducking upstairs so that you folks can
get the next bunch of graphs and reports.

Hey, you know, Steve, I was just thinking.

What's that, Charlie?

With that kissing business, nobody loses.

He's playing for matches, Steve.

I wonder what Charlie was talking about,
graphs and reports.

Oh, I think I know.

When I taught at Chip's school last week, Mr. Fisher generated
a lot of enthusiasm, and I think Chip caught the fever.

No, I don't want that.

You don't want it.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Chipper.

Finished with your homework?

I wasn't doing any homework, but if you're
going to operate in the market,

you have to stay right on top of it all the time.

Say, I got the idea from Charlie that he'd prefer
you stay out of his particular market right now.

Okay.

It's kind of a shame, though, the way some people
have such a closed mind about their money habits.

Well, take your situation, for example.

Chip, aren't you due over at Katie and Robbie's to babysit?

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

Hey, Katie docks me a whole half an hour if I'm late.

Oh, you charge your brother for babysitting, huh?

Sure, it's business.

Of course I give them a reduced rate.

Oh, of course.

I'll see you guys later.

Yeah, sure.

Bye.

It looks like he's gone commercial.

I think the word is overboard.

Now, the babies have been fed.

If you need more diapers, you'll find them
in the changer in the bedroom.

Sure.

Katie?

Yes?

You use a diaper service, don't you?

Of course.

Why?

Well, wouldn't it be a lot cheaper if you
just took them to a laundromat?

Listen, if you can figure out how diapers
for three babies can be transported,

washed, and sterilized cheaper in a
laundromat, I'll pay you to do it.

I didn't mean that.

Only with Rob's salary.

I figured you have to save where you can.

You ready, honey?

Yeah.

Hey, Rob, I've been wanting to ask you,
have you ever considered the savings

available if you made your purchases wholesale?

Well, in a word, no.

You could do it, you know.

You and the couples like you.

A kind of co-op.

Baby food, groceries.

Well, there's no end.

This is the age of the mobilized consumer.

Well, this consumer is mobilizing for an evening out.

Good night, Chip.

Hey, Rob.

How much is your salary?

Well, it's... It's not quite enough.

Well, I thought if I knew your expenses, I
could work out a budget while you were gone.

Yeah, well, uh, you can start with this.

Twenty cents of babysitting time,
and we're still here talking to you.

Have a good time.

Okay, Chip.

Good night.

Well, hi, sweetheart.

What is it?

You know what day this is, don't you?

Mm-hmm.

It's Saturday, and Mama's gonna go shopping.

Not today.

Uh-uh.

Something else.

Oh.

That something wouldn't have anything to do with allowance.

Okay.

Well, I have it right here.

What's the matter?

Who's national average?

Well, national average is not a who, it's a what.

Chip says national average gets a nickel
more than I do, and we're both the same age.

You a national average?

Yeah.

A nickel, huh?

I wouldn't want to lower the national average.

Hey, Steve, you want a friendly tip?

Oh, maybe.

What is it?

Keep away from Chip's room.

Why?

Oh, he's sitting there like a spider just
waiting to trap people.

Hey, Dad, you want to see something real great?

Well, yeah, sure, Chip.

Good luck.

Oh, what did you want me to see, Chip?

Oh, this.

Well, that's a very professional-looking job.

What is it?

Well, Mr. Fisher calls it a correlated projection
of financial manipulation toward a stabilized base.

The lay investor might call it an outline
of future investments.

Yes, I suppose he would.

You see, Dad, to be truly successful in finance,
one has to plan for more than just tomorrow.

You must consider the day after.

You must consider the day after that.

Just how long does this plan for?

Till I'm 32.

Till you're 32?

Well, sure.

By then, I ought to be able to pull my active
capital out of the market and place it in tax-free bonds.

Oh, and by the way, I won't be needing my
allowance anymore.

You don't need your allowance?

We'll just figure it out.

Now, the group I play with, the Pink
Sphinxes, well, we work twice a month now, right?

The Pink Sphinx?

I thought you were the Purple Spiders.

Well, we were until the jackets faded.

Anyway, that's $17.50 a month, solid as a rock.

As a rock, yeah.

Right.

And today, Mr. Whiteside down at the Carlton Theater
agreed to let me work the matinees on the weekends.

That's another $34, solid every month.

What don't you like about it?

Well, I see the 5150.

But I also see a young man that has a car to ride.

And a lot of other expenses.

But I've accounted for that, see?

Look, this is only the surface of the iceberg.

Hey, Alice, did you ever think of using a
plate when you eat cookies?

What for?

So your galley sl*ve don't have ants in his pantry.

I was thinking something, Uncle Charley.

Well, I'm glad you're using your head for
something besides eating.

I was thinking, here I am, a kid in high school.

And all of a sudden, I've got a brother
who's the biggest bore in the whole town.

Listen, I don't want you talking about Chip like that.

It's not nice.

I'm discussing him academically, not emotionally.

Emotionally, he's my brother and he's okay.

Academically, he bores my brains out.

Well, you put up with it and quit saying
disloyal things about him, you hear me?

He doesn't bore me enough, Uncle Charley.

But just with all this finance junk.

Yeah, well, just the same...

Hey, if that's Chip, he's got that child.

You tell him I'm taking a nap.

I'm not going to be here to tell him anything.

Uncle Charley!

Ernie!

Well, that may be the surface of an iceberg, but
something tells me that you're the captain of the Titanic.

Hey, do you know where Dad put that big pipe wrench?

I haven't seen it.

Look, Rob, if I'm going to pay for my own
college, I have to start right now.

You think you can do that on 51.50 a month?

Heck no.

I have $63 in my savings account.

Now, once I build my collateral up to
$200, well, I start investing.

And I reinvest my earnings until I reach
my stabilized base.

After that, I never have to touch the principal.

Well, I came here to get a pipe wrench,
not a lecture on finances.

You're missing the whole point.

Come here.

If you look at the growth, say,
for instance, when I'm 32, well,

my investment is growing at such a pace,
I'll probably never have to work again.

And right here, I'll be age 26.

$273,406.37 by age 26?

Right?

This doesn't even allow for the
appreciation of my initial investment.

Like gifts, you know?

You know, I'm not going to do that.

It also doesn't allow for a rainy day, Chip.

Oh, sure it does.

It's 3%, right here, see?

Katie.

Hey, Katie.

I haven't finished explaining.

You know why Steve went to play golf, don't you?

Why?

So he wouldn't have to listen to J.P.

Morgan Jr. spouting off about interest rates.

Man, wait till you see Chip.

Well, if it isn't General Nuisance.

Chip, you look wonderful.

Thanks.

Well, I'm going to be late for the matinee.

I'll see you guys.

What?

No questions?

What I paid for the roast beef and how
much was the ketchup?

I'll be glad to help later, Uncle Charlie.

I got to run.

Come on, just a minute, General.

Now, suppose I decide to make a meal.

Just where will you be?

Let me see.

The matinee lasts till 6.

And then I have to come back here and pick up
my guitar and amp and be at Halstead Gym by 7.



I guess I won't be home till 12.

Don't worry, Uncle Charlie.

I'll grab a snack somewhere.

Yeah, but that costs money.

I made provision.

Hey.

Hey, that's cool.

But I thought you were too young to be drafted.

I got to run.

Hey, where's he going?

He's going to run the movie.

I thought he was just going to Usher.

Give him time, Junior.

This is his first day.

Now, you sure you have everything straight?

Yes, sir.

I'm to see that everyone gets their stubs and to
help out with the concessions when I have spare time.

You'll have to take special care with the little ones.

Many of them can't count change very well.

I will, sir.

Son, the difference between profit and
loss is a very narrow margin.

It's your responsibility to protect that margin.

I'm well aware of that, sir.

That's what Mr. Fisher said.

As a matter of fact, he recommended you very highly.

Well, thank you, sir.

All right, then.

You better take up your station.

It's nearly time for the thundering herd.

Hey, Chip, how's the job going?

Okay.

See you after the show.

Hey, wait a minute.

No ticket, no show.

Split, Ted.

Man, it doesn't pay to have friends in high places anymore.

Stop, stop.

Dodie, you should have asked me before you
invited your friends.

I'm sorry, but I can't let you in for free.

Come on, let's go home.

Wait a minute.

Hey, Chip.

Please, Chip, I'm your best sister.

My old...

Okay, you can go on in.

Come on, you guys.

Hey, wait a minute.

No one mentioned you.

Oh, I'm just a chaperone.

I don't even want to see the movie.

Honestly.

We'll charge these to your account.

It'll be a better?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's great.

I think we're safe.

Well, I think for the time being.

There was only about four and a half on the Richter scale.

A little lower and to the right.

Oh, yeah, that's got it.

All right, Chip.

Hey, uh, aren't you supposed to change?

It's just a rehearsal tonight.

But I'm checking my timing for now.

Next week when it counts.

I'll see you guys later.

Yeah.

No comment.

Man, that smells expensive.

Don't worry.

It'll be ready for rehearsal next week.

Oh, hi, Chip.

Hi, Dad.

Another rehearsal?

Yeah.

You, uh, got your amplifier fixed, huh?

Yeah.

Those little, uh, financial setbacks are
kind of hard to take, aren't they?

Well, they're not good.

Well, if you need any help, uh, let me know.

Oh, no.

No, I came out okay, Dad.

The old three percent, remember?

Oh, sure, sure.

How's it going?

Uh, come on.

How about.

That?

What's wrong with this barricade?

I sold it to get the amplifier fixed.

Come on, I'll take you wherever you're going.

Well, Mr. Whiteside's gonna pay me,
then I can buy another spare.

And I got a playing job tomorrow night.

I didn't say anything.

Come on.

Thanks, Rob.

Here you are.

Well, here you are, Chip.

I don't mind telling you, you've done a fine.

Good job.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Whiteside, I'd like you to take out
the money for those people I let in.

I already did.

I'm afraid that leaves you with a balance
of only three dollars.

Hi, Chip.

Come on, you guys.

Hi, Chip.

Uh, Ted called.

Says you don't have to rush tonight.

The job's off.

Well, they decided to sand the floors at Halstead's gym.

Oh, no.

Oh, Ted says as soon as he
finds another place, he'll... Sure.

Thanks.

Sorry, Chip.

He didn't say anything when he came home?

No, he came in here with a face like a beagle and
he shuffled up the stairs like an old man 900 years old.

That's because he didn't make any money at
the movie and they're saying the floor at the gym.

Yeah, well, there's no reason for Chip to
come in here acting like Pagliacci.

Pagli who?

Never mind.

Anyway, he's a mess.

Well, I guess maybe I'd better go up and
have a talk with him.

Yeah, then.

I think his nerves are all shot.

Mr. Douglas?

Yes?

You have a son, Chip?

Yes, I do.

He's a fine...

He's a fine, honest boy, Mr. Douglas.

See, and he did a wonderful thing for me and my family.

He did?

Yeah.

You see, today I took out a loan.

And Chip returned the wallet without sending anything.

Yeah.

Mr. Garrison said he needed every cent of the money
for the house payment, so he couldn't give Chip a reward.

Well, then why did he come over here?

Oh, just to let us know what Chip did.

Oh.

And he says when he can afford it, he'll send
something to Chip, which I think is very nice.

Well, I gotta get down to the theater.

I called the manager and he said I could work tonight.

But Chip, uh...

We heard about the wallet.

Oh, you did?

Mr. Garrison came by.

He was very grateful.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's okay.

Well, I gotta go.

Oh, and Dad, do me a favor.

Tell Ernie and Dodie I can't give them any
more free movies.

I've gotta start a whole new projection
towards a stabilized base.

See you guys later.

Yeah, we'll see you, Chip.

You're growing good, Steve.

You know, every once in a while, I think so, too.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons
straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.

We'll be right back.