03x17 - Pen Pals/Study Abroad

[bunniefuu]

- [wind whistling]
- Look alive, folks.

Incoming helicopter seeds.

Watch this.

[blows]

Very impressive, Remy.

Ha! That ain't nothing.

Check this out.

[inhales deeply and coughs]

So many!

[both laugh]

These things
do not make good snacks.

But you know what does
make good snacks?

Snacks.

I was wondering
why you paused so long.

So, what have you kids
been up to today?

Absolutely nothing.

Yup. Didn't do a dang thing
of substance.

The best way to spend a Sunday.

- [spits] It's Sunday?
- Yeah, buddy.

At least that's what
the calendar says.

- [ominous music plays]
- No, no, no, no, no!

- [sobbing]
- Remy, what's wrong?

[wailing]

- Hey, what--?
- Remy, what's--?

Don't touch him!
He's agitated.

It's okay, he'll wear himself
out in a second.

See? There, there, buddy.

Remy, why does this
startle you so?

Because on Sundays,
my parents call

and I have to tell them
what I learned.

Tell them what you learned?

[sighs]
Yeah.

They only let me
come out to the country

because I sold it to them
as a study abroad program.

I promised that every week,

I'd learn something new
on your farm.

So far,
I've reported great stuff.

But this week,
I didn't learn anything.

And I can't tell them
what I learned

- if I didn't learn anything!
- [Cricket] Hey, hey, hey.

You could still learn something
before your parents call.

How much time do we have?

Four minutes.

- Oh, yeah, you're dead.
- [whimpers]

Well, Remy,
it sounds like

there's only one thing
you can do.

- You've got to tell the truth--
- Lie to my parents!

What? No, that's not--

Wow. Okay, buddy.

Bold move for a novice.

Take it from me,
lying to your parents

is a delicate art form.

Takes years to master.

You are not a master of lying, Cricket.

Oh, you're right, Dad.

You're always right.

[sighs]
If my parents find out I've been
slacking on my studies,

they'll make me go back
to Big City immediately.

[gasps]
They can do that?

I'm not ready
to leave the country yet.

But Cricket's right.

I don't have a lot
of experience lying.

Greens, will you help me
lie to my parents?

- [all] Yeah.
- Mr. Green?

I'm sorry,
but lying is wrong.

And I refuse to take part
in any fibbery.

- And furthermore, I--
- All right everybody,

let's get to work
on lying!

[all cheer]

Only three minutes
until my parents call.

I need a believable story

about how I learned something
on the farm.

- What do you got for me?
- Listen to a pro, Remy.

The best lies are realistic,
yet oddly specific.

Say you went to the woods
to observe some local wildlife.

See? Realistic.

Soon enough,
you discovered a snake

with 37 neon-green,
glow-in-the-dark scales

that perfectly form
the outline
of the Big Dipper.

- Oddly specific.
- Ooh, that's good.

But what's the lesson I learned?

You learned how to fight,

because the snake attacked you!

So you had to wrestle it
to the death!

You threw punches so hard,
you knocked its teeth right out.

Venom spraying everywhere.

And blood.
Oh, so much blood!

So, what'd you think?

Let's table that idea for now.

Whatever.

I've got an idea for you, Remy.
Hear me out.

What if the snake
was wearing a hat?

- [giggles]
- What? Like a top hat?

Yeah. You know, a big,
tall, dressy one,

like it's Abe Lincoln
or something.

Why would a snake
be wearing a hat?

I know, right?

That's why it's so funny!

[laughs]

You know what isn't funny?
Lying.

Oh, Dad, have you been there
the whole time?

The dining room
is a communal space.

Seriously, none of these stories
make any sense.

The snakes out here
aren't aggressive.

And they live in open,
grassy plains, not the woods.

[gasps]

So all you're gonna do
is poke holes?

We need you pitching solutions,
not problems, Bill!

Aw, my parents aren't going
to believe any of these stories.

Remy, please.
Allow Tilly to save the day.

Exterior. Woods. Dusk.

The clouds were as soft
and white

as the feathers
of Lady Caroline,

an old duck
with a young heart.

- [wind gusts]
- The wind was howling,

- and so were the coyotes.
- [all howling]

Though she was b'feathered,
b'billed, and b'web-footed,

the coyotes welcomed her
as one of their own.

You know, this is supposed
to be about me.

Patience, Remy.

When building a fictional world,
one must set the scene.

And there is a lot of scene
to set.

Ooh ooh, what if
Lady Caroline

was wearing
a little chef's hat?

[laughs] There's just something
about animals in hats.

Oh, we're getting nowhere!

I'm running out of time!

You know, Remy, I may have
a story that can help you.

When I was a boy, I was in
a situation just like this.

I was building a fence,

and I miscalculated
the post spacing.

I was scared to tell my Ma
the truth

and deal with the consequences.

But I knew that lying
wouldn't fix anything,

so I told the truth.

And even though--

That's it!

I'll say I built a fence!

- [indistinct chattering]
- Wait. No.

That wasn't the point
of my story.

But what am I going to say
to my parents?

I don't know
how to build a fence.

Roll up your sleeves, Remy.

I'll write some cheat notes
on your arm.

- [cell phone rings]
- Oh, no. It's Mom and Dad!

Don't worry. If you get nervous,
just look at your arm.

You're right, Cricket.
I got this.

Okay, Remy. It's showtime.

[all]
Good luck.

- Hey there, son.
- Hello, Remy.

Master Remy! Master Remy!

It's me, Vasquez,
your bodyguard!

[laughs nervously]
Hello, everyone.

[Rashida]
We've all been looking forward

to your weekly report.

Oh, me too.

Me three!

Okay, settle down, Vasquez.

Tell us about
what you learned this week.

This week I learned
how to build a fence.

[all]
Ooh!

Tell us more.

Well, the first thing
I did was, uh...

[whimpers]

Remy? Oh, I think he froze.

No, no. He's still there.

I can see the sweat
on his face moving.

Sorry, it's hot
out in the country.

Come on, now.
Start from the beginning.

And don't leave out
a single detail.

[laughs nervously]
Right.

Uh, details, details.

Oh, jeez, he's spiraling.

He should have
just told the truth.

We can't just stand here.
We got to help him.

[Russell]
Come on, Remy. Spit it out.

[Remy]
Um, uh...

Just follow our lead.

Of course. Building a fence.

First, I...

You gathered some wood.

I swung a baseball bat?

- [all] Huh?
- What does that have to do

with building a fence?

It's actually...
a country tradition

to practice your baseball swing
before building a fence.

Oh, to get your arms warmed up. Smart.

- Good save.
- So, what'd you do next?

[Remy]
Oh, um...

Well, then I started...

Digging holes. Digging holes.

...kicking moles.

Kicking moles?

What does that have to do
with building a fence?

Well... fences keep out pests.
Like moles.

Bu, t Master Remy, a mole would
simply tunnel under the fence.

That's why we gotta kick them.

Plus, the fence keeps out
a bunch of other pests.

- Like what?
- Give me a second.

I'll name some.

[whispering]
Help!

[bleating, barking,
miscellaneous animal sounds]

Let's see, there are...

worms with butts.

Dancing monkeys.

Beavers... wearing hats.

What? Is this a joke?

Yup. You know I love to add
humor to my reports.

- [cawing loudly]
- Cricket!

[Russell]
Remy, we can't see you.

- What's going on?
- All right, all right.

Enough playing around, Remy.

- Of course. Oh!
- [buzzing and cawing]

The main reason I built
the fence was to keep out...

Uh...

Oh! Wolves!

- [both] Wolves?
- What?

[Rashida] Oh! The country is
full of people-eating wolves.

- [gasps]
- We had no idea

it was so dangerous out there.

You are coming home right now.

[Russell]
Vasquez, fire up the chopper.

Yes, sir. I am coming for you,
Master Remy.

Stop! You don't have to do that.

Everything's fine.

Please, let me explain.

The wolves aren't actually
a threat, because...

Because...?

...because I...

fought one before.

And I won.

[groans]

Exterior. Farm. Midnight.

The moon rose,
round and glistening,

like the eyes
of Miss Debbie Junior,

a little calf with a big dream.

Good. Set the scene.

[Remy] One night while I was on
barn-cleaning duty,

she slipped away
into the forest.

I ran after her, the trail
leading me to a small clearing,

but what I found
was more horrifying

than I could have imagined.

Little Miss Debbie Junior
was about to be attacked

by a giant wolf.

- [growling]
- [cries]

There was no time
to think.

I leapt into action
and ferociously wrestled it

with my bare hands.

Fur and spit and sweat

were flying everywhere!

And blood. So much blood!

- Mm-hmm.
- [Remy] But then,

the wolf swallowed me.

So I had to fight it
on the inside.

I beat it up so bad
it finally gave up,

and I climbed
right out of its mouth,

narrowly avoiding each
of the 37 razor-sharp teeth.

Oddly specific.

[Remy] I finally sent it back
into the woods in shame,

wearing a dunce cap.

It's so funny.

Whew! So, what'd you think
of my lesson?

That is unbelievable.

Really? It is?

Yes, as in,

it is unable to be believed.

[Rashida] That was the biggest
load of nonsense

I have ever heard.

It makes me wonder if any
of this was truthful, Remy.

Did you even build a fence?

Uh, hold on, I have a perfectly
good explanation.

[overlapped chatter]

Well, what's going on?

[indistinct chattering]

Remy, your father
asked you a question.

The truth is...

I lied to you!

[all gasp]

I didn't learn anything
this week.

I totally forgot
about my report,

because I was just
goofing around

with Cricket and Tilly.

But I should have
just told you that.

I'm sorry for lying,
and then lying some more.

[all sigh]

Well, that's a relief.

We'd rather hear
you didn't learn anything

than that you were fighting off
bloodthirsty wolves.

- Really?
- Remy, if you had

just told the truth
from the beginning,

we wouldn't have been mad.

We know we put
a lot of pressure

on you and your studies,

but we want you to enjoy
your time in the country.

Even if it means goofing off
with the Greens sometimes.

So everything's okay?

Oh, absolutely not.

Since you lied to us...

And kept lying.

...you owe us a 20-page paper

on the history of lying.

I think maybe I did learn
something this week.

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
By a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out
A big old tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
And scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by a dog ♪

♪ Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my leg ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters
At seven and ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow
I'll do it all again ♪