04x11 - Turkey Trouble/Hard Bargain

[bunniefuu]

[♪ theme music playing]

♪ One, two...
One, two three, four ♪

♪ La, la, la, la
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

Look at you, Nance.

Hosting your first Green
family Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, now that I'm living
in the country,

I'd like to start
my own tradition.

You got that salt?

You know, I'm really
proud of you.

It took me years of practice
before I could make

a big holiday meal
all by myself.

Bill, give me the salt!

Yes, ma'am.

Sorry, but this needs
to be perfect.

I don't wanna
disappoint anyone.

You'll be fine, kid,

as long as you don't mess up
the mac and cheese.

What? No.

It's the stuffing she's
really gotta worry about.

No more backseat cooking.

Don't worry, Nance.

I'll make sure nothing gets
in the way of your success.

- [Cricket chuckling]
- Huh?

♪ Come to Crickey ♪

Oh! Oh, boy.

I hooked a big one.

Cricket, please,
no more hijinks.

If one thing goes wrong,

your mom's gonna
have a meltdown!

[♪ mimicking kazoo]

Hear ye, hear ye.

Did she just make a kazoo
sound with her mouth?

She's got a real one
around her neck.

It is time to proceed outside

for our annual Thanksgiving
family field game fun.

Aw. An easy little kid's game.

Ha! Easy?

You ain't never played
a Tilly game before.

- Whoa!
- [clattering]

Gramma has appointed me
game master this year.

And, uh, rather than
play our usual game

- of corn pole...
- [chittering]

I have invented
an amusing new game.

Hobble, Gobble, Go!

I have hidden a multitude

of these dashing, gentle
turkeys in our woods.

Whoever finds the most, wins.

This will be a piece of cake.

Nick Mulligan never loses.

Au contraire, Grandpa pere.

This is a complex game
with many rules,

the first of which
is that all players

must tie their
ankles together.

Wait, what?

[grunts] Oof!

Hence, the "hobble"
in Hobble, Gobble, Go!

Try to keep up.

Let the games begin!

[♪ mimicking kazoo]

Just use the kazoo.

Whoa! [chuckles]

This is harder than
it looks, right, Cricket?

Cricket.

I knew it!

- Hijinks!
- [gasps]

h*-h*-h*!

You thought you could
slip one over on Big Pa.

But there is no way
I'm gonna let you

ruin your mother's da--

- Ah! [grunting]
- [thuds]

- [food hissing]
- [screams]

- Hot! Oh, dear-- [grunts]
- [thuds]

Need towel.

Uh, what's...

Towel, towel, oh.

[flames whooshing]

Huh? [panicked yelling]

Cricket, could you at least
finish your bite before you--

[expl*si*n]

[thuds]

That was crazy.

Oh, no! [screams]

[gasping]

Cricket, look what you did!

Oh, no.

This was 100% on you,
"Big Pa".

Oh, flim-flamit,
you're right.

I ruined Nancy's
holiday meal.

She's gonna come after me!

- Then she'll come after you.
- [gasps]

And then she'll come
after me again.

Pull yourself together, man.

Mom's not gonna know
this ever happened,

because I'm gonna
help you cover it up.

Cover it up?

The whole meal is ruined.

It's too big to cover up.

Oh, yeah? Did you notice
anything strange

about the meal we had
three Thanksgivings ago?

No.

- Then it can be done.
- Wait, what?

And I'm the morally
flexible fella

who will show you
how to do it.

What do you say, Dad?
You in?

You mean will I team up
with my son

to deceive my ex-wife
in order to save Thanksgiving?

Bingo-bango.

[sighs] Fine, I'm in.

But I'm only doing this

to make your mom's first
Thanksgiving a success.

Then we'd better hurry.

Because we've only got till
the end of Tilly's game

to make it look like
this never happened.

Here's how
we're gonna do this.

Step one.
Clean the scene of the crime.

Salvage the sides,

and reheat them to remove
any trace of wrongdoing.

Step two. Wash away any
evidence from our clothes.

We'll wear silly clothes
in the meantime.

Why do they need to be silly?

'Cause it makes me laugh.

Step three.
Get rid of the body.

- [grunting]
- [splashing]

Bye-bye, birdie.

Now we just gotta
find a new turkey

and you'll be home free.

Come on, Dad.

I feel so dirty.

[panting] Let's see.

Paper turkey. Paper turkey.

Ah, gotcha.

[laughing] One down.

Ha! I'm on my sixth
turkey already.

[grunts] This game
is a hoot and a half!

[panting]

[growls] I need to step it up,

but these stupid ropes
are in the way.

No one's gonna notice

if I just slip 'em off
for a bit. [chuckling]

[♪ mimicking kazoo] Foul!

Player must face retribution.

What? Where did you come from?

Tilly sees all.

As per the game's rules,

I must now
take away your shoes.

What? How do you
keep doing that?

My granddaughter is
the best game master ever,

and you'll do what she says.

Good luck, Grandpa.

[scoffs] Stupid rules.

Ah! Fell on my keys.

Dang it. I knew they'd
be sold out of turkeys.

That was our best chance

of finding a replacement,
Cricket.

What are we supposed to do?

Calm down.
We just need a plan B.

[Wayne] Oh, hiya, Cricket.

Hiya, Bill.

Oh. Hey, Wayne, Patti.

I know how it looks.

A baker buying
store-bought pies,

but I needed a day off,
so sue me.

[laughing] Okay!

Cool it.

Uh, you two wouldn't, uh,
know where we could find

a turkey around here,
would ya?

Not this late.
All the farms are sold out.

You know, the only
turkey I can think of

was that wild one we spotted,
coming into town.

Pretty big one at that.

And... [clears throat]

what road did you see him on?

Oh, [chuckles] the big one.

He means the highway.

- Wow. Great.
- Okay.

Great to see you guys.

- Go, go, go!
- Come on, come on, go!

Here, turkey, turkey.

I know you're out there. Ha!

- [gobbling]
- It's in that field!

Dad, quick, pull over.

Nice and quiet.

Look at him. An apex predator

equipped with sharp talons

and even sharper wits.

[gobbling]

Cricket, this is crazy.

Maybe we should give up
and just tell Nancy the truth.

What are you more afraid of?

Being attacked by
a wild animal, or Mom?

You're right.
Let's get that turkey.

Three, two...

- [both screaming]
- [gobbling]

Okay, kid, I've been
playing for a while,

and my feet are k*lling me.

Can I have my shoes back?

Sorry, Grandpa,
but the rules say

that any shoes
that have been removed

must immediately
be filled with cement.

What? That's it.

Sorry, Tilly. I'm officially
done with this game.

Suit yourself.

Although I must inform you,

after your recent
haul of turkeys,

you were in a dead heat
with Gramma for first place.

Wait. You're saying
I'm one mere turkey away

from lording my victory
over Alice for a year?

I don't care how kooky
this made-up game is.

I'm petty enough to win it,

shoes or no shoes.

Ow! Yow! Ow!

[both panting]

[panicked gobbling]

[both panting]

- He's so fast.
- Hurry.

Grab him before he gets away.

[grunting]

- Ow! Ow!
- Ah! Ow! [groaning]

- [gobbling]
- [Cricket] Dang it.

We were so close
to pulling this plan off.

[sniffing]

Oh, my gosh.
That almost smells like...

a turkey!

Dad, we're saved!

Cricket, what are you doing?

That's Trey and Tracy's house.
[gasping]

They're back. Hide!

It sure is good to be home.

Wait a minute.

Something ain't right.

That's better.

Oh, Trey.
You and your feng shui.

- Phew.
- [Bill] Cricket.

We are not stealing
from our neighbors.

[sighs] I can't
do this anymore.

But, Dad, we can still
save Mom's dinner.

It's too late for that, son.

I should've never gone along

with your morally
flexible plan.

I'm going to confess.

- Dad, no!
- I said I'm going to confess!

Mmm.

[grunts] Tilly, I did it.

I can't feel my feet
anymore... Whoa!

But I found me
a whole slew of turkeys.

Oh, my. We have a winner!

- [♪ kazoo playing]
- [laughing]

I played by Till's
ridiculous rules,

and I still won.

She's using the real kazoo
and everything.

- [laughing]
- Grandpa Mulligan,

I crown thee the Top Turkey.

[gobbling]

- Can it be?
- Say again?

[♪ triumphant music playing]

[gobbling]

I must institute
the Grand Gobble Rule.

The what now?

- [gobbling]
- If a turkey appears,

it automatically
wins the game.

Huh? How is that fair?

The turkey didn't even play.

He didn't have to.

On Thanksgiving,
turkeys are winners

just by being themselves.

[groaning]

Great game, Tilly.

- [timer buzzing]
- Oh, sh**t.

I need to get my turkey
outta the oven. Come on, Dad.

[Nick groans]

Wait. Nancy, I gotta
tell you something.

Not now. I gotta finish
getting dinner ready, and--

- What in the--
- [thuds]

No, Nancy, I can explain.

[indistinct conversation]

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Hope you're hungry.

Oh, wow. Bill,
this is incredible.

Well, hey, everyone!

Cricket, how did you do this?

Eh, it was a bit of a gamble,

but so is any good
Cricket hijink.

First, I stole
Trey and Tracy's turkey,

knowing they would
chase me here

and probably wanna
stay for dinner.

Stealing our food, bad.

Eating your food, good.

- Trey happy.
- Well said.

And where'd you get this?

Patti and Wayne.
I saw them driving by

and remembered
they had dessert,

so I threw my body
in the road.

And voila!

And I brought milk.

Good Ol' Joe.

This is so nice.

A potluck really
takes the pressure off.

Maybe this could be
our tradition from now on.

Honestly, I'm kinda glad.
[chuckles]

I was so stressed out.

If one thing went wrong,
I was gonna snap!

Do you want
white or dark meat?

[indistinct conversation]

Eh? [laughing]

- [glass clinking]
- Friends and family?

I've invented a new game

for us all to play
after dinner.

It's called Apple Grapple Pie.

Ooh, an easy
little kid's game.

Ha! You ain't never played
a Tilly game before, have ya?

Your mom's dinner
is a success,

and I couldn't have
done it without you.

Does this mean you'll be my
partner in crime more often?

Aw, son. Not a chance.

But today, more than ever,

I sure am thankful
for you, Cricket.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[indistinct conversation]

[gobbling]