04x25 - Swashbuckled/Nick Scouts

[bunniefuu]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ One, two...
One, two, three, four ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

[Gramma Alice]
There you are.

No one's allowed to say the Greens
don't have a hot grandma.

- [Tilly] You got that right.
- [both] Hi, Gramma!

Hey, what's with
the goofy noggin-topper?

Boy, you must be blind!

This is my fancy hat
for when I wanna look fancy!

I ordered a new feather for it online
and I just got an email saying

it was just delivered
on our front porch just a moment ago.

So, if you'll excuse me.

Hello, feather... Oh! What the...

[Gramma Alice and others]
Where the blort's my stuff? Huh?

Hey, dingalings! [grunts]

You guys missing deliveries, too?

Yeah! I ordered drops
for my eye that's bugging me.

And I was expecting
a new tripod for my telescope

so I can gaze into the heavens!

And I'm missing the new cage
I bought for Admiral Mustard!

[squawks] I have unpaid student loans

and I'm spending money on a bird.

How could all our stuff be missing?

The cafe has a security camera.

Let's check the footage.

There's my package.

Oh, man. It was porch pirates.

What the heck's a porch pirate?

They're thieves who steal
deliveries off your doorstep!

So, you're tellin' me someone trespassed
on my porch and stole my stuff?

- [breathing heavily]
- [siren wails]

It's raining feet.

My horoscope was right!

- Give me that!
- Alice Green!

What seems to be the problem?

We are all victims of theft!

There are porch pirates on the lose

and we need your help trackin' 'em down.

Mmm... [sucks teeth] Sorry.

Porch pirates are almost impossible
to catch.

We did order some new police tech
to help stop them

but we never got the package
because... uh, yeah...

I'm afraid you're on your own.

- Good luck, citizens!
- [tires screech]

Well, I guess the bad guys win this one.

The bad guys win?

Now wait a dang minute!

We can't let the bad guys win!

Look, I know we may be a motley crew,

but together, we might stand a chance.

Now let's track down those pirates
and take back what's ours!

- Yeah!
- [cheering]

To Gloria's car!

Gloria, we need your car.

[♪ pleasant music playing]

- Hey, Tilly.
- Hi, brother.

- [cat meows]
- Wait a minute.

- [swallows] Whose cat is that?
- He's ours.

What? Since when?

He's Gramma's cat, Dirtbag.
He's always been here.

Oh, yeah.

I completely forgot we had a cat.

- Hey, buddy.
- [Dirtbag meows angrily]

Aw, I wanna pet the kitty.

As you should, brother.

Words fail to describe the delicate
and life-affirming connection

one derives from a loyal,
feline friendship.

- [meows]
- [harp playing]

Okay. You sold me.

I wanna be pals with him now, too.

I don't know, brother.

Your, uh, disposition
may not mix well with that of a kitty's.

I think I know
how to be friends with a cat, Tilly.

- Here, Dartboard!
- Dirtbag.

- Driftwood!
- Dirtbag.

- Doorstop!
- Dirtbag.

Mrs. Green, our stuff could be anywhere.

Yeah, where do we even find porch pirates?

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

To find the porch pirates,

we follow that booty!

- Grigorian, I need eyes up there.
- Hmm.

[Grigorian] Booty man delivered package.

Nothing unusual so far.

Wait! Thief!

They're taking off!

Porch pirates, dead ahead!

Everybody, hold on to something!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[laughs mischievously]

We got 'em cornered!

Now ram 'em!

What? No!

I still got payments on this car.

- [grunting]
- [all groaning]

Huh? What the heck is all this stuff?

It's how I cope, okay? [chomps]

Stress ba*ls and stress eating.

- [squawks] Therapy's expensive.
- [Gramma Alice] Hmm.

- [grunts]
- Mrs. Green, you good?

You, take this and aim it at the van.

And, you, jam this ball into the tube.

A little help from Gloria's
bike pump and... Fire!

That was a terrible shot.

Sorry. It's hard to aim
with my eye like this.

Hmm. [grunts]

There! How about now?

Better. [sniffs] And piney.

Fire at will!

- [thumps]
- Ahhh!

[firing]

- We're under siege!
- [cannon fires]

- [tires screech]
- Incoming!

Ahhh!

[shouting and grunting]

- [gasps]
- [spits]

En garde!

Alice! Our stuff, it isn't here.

All right, you nasty little porch pirates.

You better tell us where you stashed
our deliveries

or prepare to walk the plank.

Uh, okay. We steal for our boss.

Nobody knows his name.

Yeah. He keeps all the loot
in a secret hideout.

Secret hideout? Show me.

[pirate grunts nervously]

- We told you what we know.
- Will you have mercy on us?

[scoffs] Not a chance.

[both] Whoa! Oof!

- [spits]
- Aw, man. I just stole these.

- [Gramma Alice] X marks the spot.
- [beeps]

- Now let's go get our stuff!
- [tires screech]

Onward!

[Cricket] Oh, Dirtbag!

Now where is that doggone cat?

Ah! There you are!

Tilly doesn't know
what she's talking about.

I get along with all critters.

Whaddya say, Dirtbag?

Wanna play?

[distorted] Uh-oh!
I think someone wants a tummy rub.

- [Dirtbag growls]
- [Cricket] Ow, ow, ow!

- [normal voice] Wait, come back! [grunts]
- [crashing]

- [Dirtbag growling, hissing]
- [Cricket] Cricket... friend.

[squawks]

[bell tolling]

It says this is the place.

[Gramma Alice] Bunch of g*ons
guarding the only entrance.

This ain't gonna be easy.

If you want out, now's your chance.

Give up? No way!

I could just order a new tripod,
but I'm too lazy.

Let's do this.

Batten down the hatches
and put her in "R."

- What?
- [all] Arrrr!

[drum rimshot plays]

- Oh, that side up.
- [sighs wearily]

- [Gloria] Beep, beep...
- [both] Huh?

...beep, beep, beep, beep.

Hey! Who are you?

Uh, we're the delivery guys.

And we have a delivery.

- Duh!
- Okay, relax.

Hey, Louie, pop the trunk.

- [♪ action music playing]
- Surprise, idiot! Ahhh!

[smacks]

Shake a leg, crew!
It's now or never!

- [grunting]
- [squawks] Get the bad guys.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

- [Gramma Alice] Special delivery!
- [groans]

- Hyah!
- Wait! Alice!

Retrieve our boxes, devil woman!

[groans] What in tarnation!

Look at all this stuff!

There must be packages
from every corner of Big City here.

Huh?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Alice Green!

How do you know my name?

I know everybody's name.

They're on every package I've stolen.

[laughs]

Holy shipments!

Which reminds me,

I really must thank you
for this lovely new plume!

Hey! That's mine!

And seeing as how you're unarmed,

I suggest you hand it over now.

[laughs] Unarmed?

If you want your stuff back,
you're gonna have to take it from me.

I was hoping you'd say that.

[growling]

Dirtbag, please let me into your heart!

Just one little pet.

- [growling]
- [Cricket] Owie!

Fine! I give up.

I just don't understand cats.

Being friends with one
is impossible! [grunts]

- [Dirtbag purring]
- Hmm?

- [gasps] Hey, buddy!
- [meows]

What the... Hmm.

- Hmm? Huh!
- [meows]

- Mmm?
- [meows]

- Hmm! Hmm?
- [meows]

What? You only want me
when I don't want you?

That's... That's just--

Illogical? Maddening? Toxic?

You now understand the tenuous
and paradoxical reality of cathood.

Only disinterest
will gain a kitty's interest.

I only got about every other word
you just said.

But I think I pick up
what you're puttin' down.

Hmm? Hmm!

[purring]

Congratulations, brother.
You've made a feline friend.

Man, I still don't understand
these animals at all! [grunts]

- [softly] But I'll take what I can get.
- [purring]

- [both grunting]
- [metal clanging]

Ooh, you're quite bold.

Nice to beat you.

- Ahhh!
- Ahhh! That's a terrible joke.

Now, now. Don't rain on my parade.

[grunts] You're not funny!

No! It appears I'm at
a dish-advantage! [laughs]

- [grunting]
- [plates breaking]

Oh, my!

Arr! I don't really have
anything clever to say about this one.

Grappling hook!

Stay on the ground
and get stabbed like a man!

- You are annoyingly relentless!
- [swords clanging]

Whoa! Stilett-no!

[grunting]

It's over.
Give me my feather, boy!

Why, you've got the spirit
of a pirate in ye.

Join me and you could have everything.

Untold treasures!
Thrills all for the taking

if you choose the pirate's life.

- Nah! [grunts]
- [groans]

- Whoa!
- [splashes]

[grunts, coughs] I surrender!

[grunts] Now that's more like it.

Yo-h*, you losers!

- Our stuff!
- You did it!

What happened in there?

I guess you could say...
the good guys won.

Now, call Officer Keys.

I've got a delivery for him!

In fact, we got deliveries
for all of Big City!

[♪ pirate music playing]

- ♪ We stopped the pirates ♪
- ♪ We're pirates ♪

♪ We got them off our street! ♪

- ♪ No room for pirates ♪
- ♪ No pirates ♪

[Gramma Alice] ♪ In our community ♪

♪ Once taken off our porch
our stuff is in our hands again ♪

♪ Pretended not to care
so that the cat would be my friend ♪

♪ Was asked to join
the Captain but refused him in the end ♪

- ♪ So no more pirates ♪
- ♪ No more pirates ♪

[all] ♪ No more pirate life for we! ♪

[Gramma Alice] ♪ Arrr! ♪

[announcer] And now, back to
History's Fattest Elephants.

It's history so it's smart.

[announcer] Coming in at number five,

it's Agatha Peanutbutter.

- [elephant trumpets]
- [static buzzes]

Ah, come on! Bring back Agatha!

Stupid thing!

- Nancy, TV's on the fritz again!
- [grunts] Good.

[sighs] Then help me
pack up these deliveries.

- Meh...
- [knocking at door]

Oh, I'd love to, but that door
ain't gonna answer itself.

- [girl] Hello, sir or ma'am.
- Huh?

Would you like any Bramblebee Scout
cookies today?

- Sure.
- [door slams]

[knocking]

[chomping] Mmm, you again?

That'll be $10, sir.

For one box?

[spitting] Never mind!

- [door slams]
- [Nancy] Dad!

- I have the money right here, sweetie.
- What?

- Thank you for your pa--
- [door slams]

I can't believe my eye.

You paid 10 bucks for a box of cookies?

It's for a good cause.

Psh. I know a scam when I see one.

- She's a child, Dad.
- So?

You'd immediately trust me
if I were some cute little kid?

I don't know,
you're not a cute little kid.

[Tilly and Cricket laughing]

No...

- [both laughing]
- [Nick] I'm not.

Now, I gotta make these deliveries.

Can you watch Cricket and Tilly?

'Course I'll watch 'em...

Watch 'em make Grampa some money
for a new TV. [laughs mischievously]

- Race you up the stairs, Tilly! [panting]
- Okay.

[Nick moaning sadly]

Grampa Nick? Are you okay?

[Nick] Oh, hey, kids. [sniffs]

It's just that...
I'm such a lousy grampa! [sobbing]

- Oh, no.
- Sometimes.

- [sobbing]
- What happened?

Your mom asked me
to sign you up to be Bramblebee scouts,

but I missed the application deadline.

Oh, that's okay. I don't know why
we'd wanna be Bramblebee scouts anyways.

Oh, I do.

Sleeping under the stars,

seeing the majesty of Smalton Woods
at sunset

and tasting the sticky-sweet goo
of a fire-kissed marshmallow.

That sounds divine.

Goo!

But thanks to your doofus grampa,

you'll never be able to do any of that

'cause you're not Bramblebee scouts.

Oh, if only there were another
scouting organization for you kids.

But there's not...

another scouting organization.

So... maybe... we... eh?

[together] We...

Could start our...

[both gasp] Start our own scout group!

Wow, I never would've thought of that!

Now put on these uniforms.

Check it out.

The Bramblebees ain't
the only cookie dealers in town no more.

- Pretty neat, huh?
- I don't know.

These uniforms are just
spray painted t-shirts.

It's seeping into my skin.

And the "Nick Scout Guide"
appears to be for hunting wild game.

Did you know a simple rope trap

could hold the weight
of an adult poltroon tiger?

Uh, we'll get new stuff
once we have more money.

Which is why you gotta sell these.

These are just Bramblebee cookies
marked up to 20 bucks a box.

No one's gonna wanna buy these.

You gotta make 'em wanna buy.

Just tell 'em what they want to hear.

Isn't that lying?

No.

Oh, okay then.

See? Salesmanship.

The first step to making
the Nick Scouts good

is telling people we already are good.

It ain't a lie if it becomes true.

- I guess not.
- That's the spirit.

Give it a try.

[grunts] Nick Scout cookies!

Get your Nick Scout cookies!

The luxury cookie!
Twice the price means twice as nice.

- Luxury cookie?
- I am hungry.

Yes indeed!
Step right up, step right up!

- I'll take ten!
- What a steal!

See you at home, kids.

But not until you've sold all the cookies!

[tires screeching]

- [chomping]
- Hey, Saul.

Got your veggies right here.

And I got something for you,
young lady!

Oh, Bramblebees?

No, no, no.

These are Nick Scouts.

"Nick Scouts"?

Wait a second!

$20 a box?

Dad!

- [static buzzes]
- [announcer] Number three...

Couple more hours of selling
and I'll see every pound

of those fat elephants in high-definition!

- [door slams]
- [angrily] You!

I cannot believe you!

- Using your grandkids to sell cookies...
- [grunting]

...for personal profit.

I would never.

Grampa Nick, we sold all the cookies!

And look at all this profit!

I know how this looks,
but all I can say is...

Great work, kids!

We are returning this.

Grampa's running a scam again.

No, I'm not!
This is a legitimate operation.

Yeah, right.

But Grampa's telling the truth!

- He is?
- I am?

Well, sure.

Meet the newest members
of the Nick Scouts!

♪ Wheely-walla, wheely walla
Nick Scouts h*! ♪

♪ Nick Scouts, Nick Scouts, here we go! ♪

♪ Brave and true and cool are we ♪

♪ We are Nick Scouts head to feet! ♪

[together] The wilderness calls us.

And we must answer.

Ring, ring, ring, ring. Beep.

Who is it?

It's the wilderness.

So, wait. This isn't a scam?

That's what I've been trying to explain.

Nice work, kids.

More Nick Scouts means more cookie sales.

Oh, we're not selling cookies anymore.

You're what?

Well, the new recruits
said selling cookies was boring,

so we just told 'em
what they wanted to hear.

And now, the Nick Scouts
don't sell anything!

And we all decided we'd use the money
for better scout uniforms.

So we could get real sashes.

And scout hats!

Neckerchief.

Wha... We're not buying that junk!

Why not?
That's what the money's for, isn't it?

It's just, we don't even know
if these kids are scout material!

Yeah! The Nick Scouts are pretty tough.

I'm not sure if these kids can hack it.

Especially this one.

[sadly] Oh.

But, Grampa, isn't there a way
we can prove how tough they are?

Hmm. You know, I was planning a hike

up the most grueling, unforgiving,

treacherous hill
in all of Smalton called, um...

- You don't mean...
- Devil's Peak?

Oh, yeah. That's perfect.

[scarily] Devil's Peak!

- [kids gasp] Cool!
- All right!

I've always wanted to tackle Devil's Peak!

Oh, can we go right now, Grampa Nick?

Of course.

You are a real scout troop, after all.
Right, Dad?

Yes. Very... real.

[all kids] Yay!

[chanting] Nick Scouts!
Nick Scouts! Nick Scouts! Nick Scouts!

Whoa, cool!

The trail up here is even steeper!

[all kids] Yay!

[beathing heavily] Remember!
You can quit whenever you want.

Come on, Dad, this is silly.

Just admit you were pulling a scam
and we can go home.

It's not a scam!

I'm having a great time with these cute
little tykes and that weird adult.

Hey, hey!

All right then, your choice.

I've survived worse.

[♪ army drum beat playing]

- Hup, hup. Whoo!
- Yep. [chuckles]

[kids chuckle]

[grunting]

Ooh! Ahhh!

[grunting]

Huh? Oh, come on!

[grunting, breathing heavily]

[groans]

Hey! You made it.

Did I die? Am I in heaven?

No. You're not dead.
You're in...

- the Nick Scouts!
- [chattering indistinctly]

You know, I still think
you were up to something,

but when I see how happy
you made these kids,

- maybe it doesn't matter.
- [all laughing]

- [Tilly] Ugh! Cricket.
- [Cricket] Eh? Eh?

You did a good deed
and got nothing in return.

Hey, you're right.

These kids made a chump out of me!

- What?
- Nobody scams Nick Mulligan!

You hear me? Nobody!

Did Grampa just take our money?

But what about our new uniforms?

Worry not, fellow scouts.

Grampa Nick, himself,
has prepared us for this very moment.

Let's hunt!

[horn blows]

[♪ intense music playing]

[laughs wickedly] Huh?

[kids in eerie voice] Traitor!

Ah, heck!

[panting, grunts]

[grunts, mumbles] Huh?

- [whooshes]
- Eh? What?

Okay, kids,
time to stop hunting Scout Master Nick.

- [growls]
- Ahhh! [shrieks]

- [growling]
- Ahhh!

[grunting, groaning]

[trembles, panting]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[sighs in relief, muffled]

[sniffing]

- [branch snapping]
- Hmm. [howls]

[exhales]

[rustling]

- Ahhh!
- [grunts, ululating]

[panting] Whoa!

- [grunts]
- [branch cracking]

Ahhh!

- [splashing]
- [Nick groans]

[inhales, grunts]

Maybe I should just give--

Oh, hey, there's the van!

- Finally, sweet salvation.
- [whooshing, snaps]

- Whoa!
- [♪ suspenseful music playing]

[Nick groaning]

Wha...

[all grunting]

Hey! Great job, scouts!

Although you did
stop me from driving to the uniform store

to buy those new uniforms--

Save it, old man.

Oh, Grampa Nick.

Was all of this just about the money?

Okay, you got me.

The truth is I wanted a new TV
and I thought

hustling you kids would be easy.

Turns out, you're tougher than you look.

Now, would you let me down
from this thing?

Grampa just fell down a mountain.

I don't know.

What do you think, kids?

- We'll let you down...
- Under one condition.

[gulps]

[knocking]

Hmm?

Hello, sir or ma'am.

According to our records,
you have recently purchased

a cookie or cookies under
fraudulent circumstances.

I am going door-to-door issuing...

[struggling] ...re-f-f-funds.

Heh. You know,
this might be better than TV.

Mmm-hmm.

[TV clicks off]

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
by a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big ol' tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
and scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by dogs ♪

♪ Licked by a frog
Got a rash on my legs ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow, I'll do it all again ♪