05x04 - Caging Cricket/Trainer Tilly

[bunniefuu]

[helicopter hovering]

I'll tell you one thing, brother.

The Remingtons sure know
how to throw a fancy gala.

Dang, I've never been invited
to one of these before.

I mean, a chocolate fountain.

Who even does that?

[gasps] A tray of fancy little pickles.
Gimme!

I've never seen such opulence.

Can you believe all this food's free?

- [licking, biting]
- [Remy] Cricket!

Remy!

[sighs] The bond you two share
is so beautiful.

- Gotcha, gotcha!
- [both laugh]

I'm so glad you came.

Gala season is usually
so stuffy and boring,

but now that my best friend's here,

we're gonna have a blast.

Cricket, Tilly.

Welcome to our gala.

This is a big night for us,
so don't fumble the ball.

We need you on your best behavior.

We're trying to close a business deal

with a very distinguished guest,
Mr. Toity.

You have nothing to fear, dear Remingtons.

My brother may be a handful,
but he knows how to behave.

Oh, really? Then what's
this goat doing here?

[bleating]

Oh. That's Melissa. I trained her
to act respectively in high society.

- Melissa. Great.
- [bleats]

I don't mean to toot my own horn,
but I am an excellent trainer.

Now, that's classy.

The goat can stay.

And as for your brother,
he-- is in the chocolate fountain.

Come on in, Remy.

The chocolate's fine.

Oh, such abhorrent behavior.

You see, Remy?

- [both laughing]
- [all gasp]

Cut!

That's a wrap.

- [both chuckle]
- Huh? Mom, what's going on?

Actors, please turn in
your costumes to wardrobe.

[Rashida] We told you Cricket was going
to cause an incident,

but you insisted on inviting him.

So, we staged this fake gala
to see if he'd ruin our real gala tonight.

And he did.
So we're punting him off the guest list.

Cricket is never welcome
at one of our galas ever again.

[both] What?

Come on, Remy. Say goodbye
to your destructive friend.

[Remy] No!

Remy!

Cricket!

Friends torn apart, I cannot abide.

Please! I beg you to reconsider.

My brother got carried away,

but he was just excited
to play with his best friend.

Can't you let him stay?

I'm afraid not, dear.

We tried to make it work
but your brother is like a wild animal.

Well, I blew it.
No more fancy parties with my best friend.

There, there, brother.

The Remingtons are right, Till.

I am like a wild animal.

- [sobbing]
- [bleats]

Thank you, Melissa.

[blows nose]

Hold on. You might be like a wild animal,

but what if I trained you
in the ways of high society?

Just like I did with Melissa?

- You wanna train me?
- Precisely.

And when we crash tonight's gala,

the Remingtons will be so impressed
with your perfect behavior,

they'll beg you to stay.

I don't know, Till. Melissa's so refined.

[bleats]

Do you really think you can train me
to be as elegant as a goat?

It shall be my greatest challenge yet.

Okay, Cricket. Here's how
the training will work.

If you behave correctly,
I will reward you.

Ooh! Give me!

Uh-uh.

But if you behave incorrectly,
I will correct you.

Ohh!

Now prepare to be tamed.

Fancy lesson number one.
Arriving at a fancy party.

May I take your jacket, sir?

[growls] This guy's trying
to steal my jacket.

- Mine! [growling]
- [groans]

No.

What did I do?

You must resist the urge
to defend your territory.

He just wants to put
your coat away for you.

Oh.

Here you go, Dad.

Thank you, sir.

- Very good.
- Treat, please. Ah!

[Tilly] Fancy lesson number two.
Conversing fancily.

Okay, Cricket. Let's make
a proper introduction.

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

- [growling]
- [screaming in pain]

[Bill] Get it off! [groaning in pain]

Okay, sorry you're right.

- Um, pleased to make your acquaintance.
- [squealing in pain]

Treat, please. [chomping]

[Tilly] Fancy lesson number three.
Mind the fancy wait staff.

Can-can I interest you
in a beverage, young sir?

[snickering]

- [growls]
- [screams]

- [whimpering]
- Got you now, old man.

[clears throat]

I mean, I am rather parched.

Excellent restraint, brother.

Treat me!

[Tilly] The fancy final finish.

It is with great pleasure
that I finally introduce

the young master, Cricket Green.

Good afternoon, Father.

It's a pleasure to be with you today.

You have made excellent progress, brother.

Shall we away to the gala?

Bingdubitably bangscrutibaly.

[sighs in relief, groans]

[sighs in relief]

May I take your coat, young sir?

Oh, yes! And I wouldn't dream
of attacking you

for taking this, my good man.

Very good, sir.

Cricket, what are you doing here?

My parents banned you.
Are you wearing shoes?

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I've trained Cricket
to be the perfect gala guest.

- Observe.
- Lobster crostini, sir.

Heavens, no. I only eat food
smothered in caviar.

Wow. You didn't even lick every piece
to see if you like it.

There's no way my parents could object
to you being here now.

Oh, the Remingtons, of course.

Where might they be?

It is customary to greet one's hosts.

Well, they're over there talking
to Mr. Toity, so I wouldn't bother--

Capital!

- Cricket No!
- Wait!

Let him cook.

...So, basically, I don't know if I should
holiday in Monaco or Saint Tropez.

[all laughing]

Yes, a wealthy European island
is quite quaint, isn't it?

Cricket? What are you doing here?

Please excuse us. We're just chatting
with the esteemed Mr. Toity right now.

Personally, I prefer summering in Skyland.

The floating city in the sky.

- Never heard of that Skyland.
- [gasping]

So it must be very exclusive.

- [sighs in relief]
- Oh, yes.

Only the ultra-wealthy like us go.

None of that regular wealthy riffraff
you see floating about.

Guess how many millions I have?

I don't know. Three?

- Nope. One.
- Eww.

'Twas a pleasure meeting you, sir,
but if you'll excuse me,

I see an exquisite painting
that requires my attention.

What a charming young gentleman.

[laughs smugly]

How delightfully camp.

Splendid job, brother.
You charmed Toity and the Remingtons.

Now we can finally hang out.

Maybe we sneak off and get
into some shenanigans?

Shenanigans?

I say that sort of behavior is only
suitable for two bit chiselers...

or... [shudders] Bostonians.

[chuckles] You sound like my dad.

Cricket. You don't have to stay
in character when it's just Remy and me.

Character? My dear sister,
whatever do you mean?

- Harrumph!
- Oh, what's this?

Bring that down now.

Now, pick that up!

Oh! This fellow looks fun.

Okay, something is seriously
wrong with Cricket.

What's the point of having him here
if he's gonna act like that?

You could have been a doctor, Colin.

But no, you had to be a waiter.

[gasps] I fear I may have
trained him too well.

Can't you just untrain him?

It shall be my greatest challenge yet.

Again.

[Tilly reading]

Forget everything.

[both laugh]

[grunts]

Sister, Reminald,
what is the meaning of this?

Okay, brother, it's time
to begin your de-fancification training.

Repeat after me. Bingo.

[snickers] I don't have time
for your middle-class riddles, sister.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some raw eagle eggs to imbibe.

Oh no, my fancy training worked too well.

Now he can't stop playing the role.

Oh! [sobbing] I just want
my old buddy back.

The old Cricket must be
buried in there somewhere.

But how to lure him out?

He was the only one
who could get me out of my shell.

If the old Cricket were here,
he'd show us what to do.

[gasps] That's it, Remy.

If you start acting like the old Cricket.
Run around barefoot, eat a little dirt.

You could free him
from the bonds of high society.

If it's for Cricket, I can
definitely eat dirt... I think.

Don't think, Remy.

Just do!

Cricket, I must admit I was skeptical,

but you've been nothing
but a gentleman tonight.

You can come over and play
with Remy anytime you want.

[chuckles] Yes, he is one rich little boy.

Where is our Remy?

[Remy] Hey, there, y'all. How do I look?

What sort of tomfoolery is this?

Remy! Bingo.

Bingo!

Whoo!

- [chuckling gleefully]
- [Rashida] Remy!

Get down from there this instant!

That looks so...

fun?

I mean, investment properties.

- What is he doing?
- Fixing his friend.

Go on, Remy.

- Whee!
- [gasps]

Wow!

- [splashes]
- Come on in. The chocolate's fine.

But, but... I must be fancy.
Hors d'oeuvres. Stock markets.

Ten thousand thread count bedsheets.

Don't fight it, brother.

Go to him. Do it, Remy!

- [splashing]
- [screams]

Tasty... I-I-I'm free.

- [laughs maniacally]
- [gasps]

Here we go.

[people screaming]

Hi, Remy.

Good to have you back, Cricket.

Good to be back, bud.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[both] Best gala ever!

[Mr. Toity] The worst gala ever.

This is the single most insulting thing
that has ever happened to me.

Mr. Toity, are you okay?

No, I'm crushed.

And, furthermore,
I would never do business

- with such toity-less people.
- [both sigh]

I'm sorry your body was crushed
by a giant swan of ice, Mr. Toity.

But some things are more important
than vague business deals.

Like friendship.

Haven't you ever had a friend?

No. The deal is off.

Nothing you could do would change my mind.

Nothing?

[Mr. Toity] The deal is on.

It's been a pleasure.

[gleefully] Treat me!

Capital!

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
by a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big ol' tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
and scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by dogs
Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my legs
Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow, I'll do it all again ♪