11x06 - The Cat Burglars

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons Starring Fred McMurray And
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

Darling?

I'm going down to get some tobacco.

Does she always call your father darling?

Who?

Your mother.

Sure.

My mother calls my father darling.

Tom.

And he calls her Margaret.

Well, aren't those their names?

Sure.

But it sounds like they're using numbers.

Well, Dodie's asleep.

Ernie's pretending to do homework.

It all is right with the world.

Good.

Where'd you say you were going?

Down the store to get some tobacco.

Why don't you come along?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Kids, we'll be back.

We're going to go out for a few minutes.

See you later.

Okay.

Do they ever fight?

I guess.

That's a relief.

You should hear it around my house.

Well, they don't actually fight.

They just disagree once in a while.

Then they fight.

No.

It just gets a little quieter around here, that's all.

My dad usually goes for a walk.

When he comes back, they fight?

No.

When he comes back, they laugh about it
and say how dumb the whole thing was.

Tomorrow, my mom's even going to have lunch with him.

Where he works?

Well, sure.

She goes there all the time.

My father says that a woman who shows up
where a man works is violating the male ethic.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

My mother never violates it.

I'm not sure I'm entitled to eat at this
table, Mr. Anderson.

Robbie, you have an office and a secretary
and a key to the washroom.

You are therefore, by all rules and
appearances, an executive.

You know, you brighten up the place, Barbara.

You should join us more often.

Well, you keep saying things like that.

And I will.

My wife says, what's the use of being the wife
of a vice president if you have to carry a tray?

It's a bourgeois attitude, but that's Sylvia.

Oh, by the way, I was supposed to ask you something.

Yeah.

What are you wearing tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night?

Mrs. Anderson's costume party.

Oh.

Katie and I thought we'd go as Antony and Cleopatra.

Fine.

About half the people.

Well, I've invited her coming as Antony and Cleopatra.

And three of the Cleopatras weigh 200 pounds each.

Steve, what are you wearing?

Well, I'll tell you.

I thought I'd go by that costume place in
Hollywood on the way home.

Good.

Sylvia wants to balance it out.

You know, last year we had 15 Groucho
Marxes and 10 Julius Caesars.

And one executive that didn't show up at all.

I have the virus.

Well, Sylvia's expecting you this year.

And if you don't show up this time,
we're going to send a doctor for you.

Daddy?

Hmm?

Well, what is it, honey?

I can't believe it.

What?

Dodie just woke your father up and all he
said was, what is it, honey?

Mommy's getting dressed in her costume thing.

Oh, is it that late?

I think so.

I can't think of anything more appropriate
to say than meow.

You look mighty cute.

Thank you.

Now, here's yours.

You don't mean I have to wear something like that?

Oh, honey, it was the simplest costume I could find.

And you know it was practically a command
that we come in costumes.

Go on, try it on.

Go on.

Hey, man.

There.

Nothing personal, Steve, but you look like
the world's biggest rat.

But I still have to paint the whiskers on.

Whiskers?

Here is the rest of it.

Honey, I, uh, I think we should have
talked this over first.

I don't know, though, honey.

We'd better try it on.

I'm afraid I might have to make some alterations.

I still think we should have talked this whole thing over.

Take it from me, Steve.

You've looked much better in your day.

Charley, come on, honey.

Look at yourself in there.

You're going to like it.

And besides, Robbie and Katie are going to
come pretty soon.

Could you cut that?

Sir, can I have a hand in this?

He doesn't really want to do it, does he?

Who?

Your father.

He really doesn't want to put on that costume.

I guess not.

Dad hates to look dumb.

Not my dad.

There's a costume party.

He always shows up as Cupid or something,
wears a tablecloth for a diaper.

Are you up to page 160 yet?

Stay tuned.

Twice as Nice Mornings continues with My Three Sons.

My Three Sons in TV Land.

Man, there must have been a fire sale on cat costumes.

Well, Marvin and I tried to figure out which costumes
would be the least objectionable to our husbands.

Well, we could have come disguised as two businessmen.

Hi, Polly.

Hi.

Don't you want to go either, Robbie?

Not as a cat.

For the men in this family always wore pushovers.

The folks ready?

Hey, you guys, they're here.

And where's the party?

In Bel-Air.

Well, here come the cats.

Yeah, here are those crazy Douglases all
dressed up for a big night out on the town.

I should have gotten Steve's costume two sizes larger.

I let it out as much as I could.

They don't make them any larger.

Dad, you look great.

Yeah, well, then I look better than I feel.

Thing chokes me every time I sit down.

Honey, would you take my wallet and my keys?

I guess you noticed they didn't put any
pockets in these outfits.

I noticed, but too late.

All right, now, let's get started, you two,
before you figure out some reason to stay home.

Okay.

Your car, mine, Rob.

Yeah, I guess yours, Dad.

It's bigger and we've got four sets of
tails to wrestle with.

Now, you be good for Chip, Polly, and
Uncle Charley, because they're the bosses.

Okay.

What are you going as, a litter?

Come on, baby doll.

I made you a batch of cookies that'll give
you cavities for a month.

Hey, me!

Bye.

See you all later.

Don't watch us.

Have a good time.

Goodbye, Chip.

Well, we better hit the books.

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

I'm sure there is.

What is it?

There's so much fun and love in this house.

I want to be part of it.

You are.

I am?

Well, sure.

You can come over and visit and do
homework anytime you want.

That's not what I mean.

Hey, wow, Polly.

Barbara, I gave you my wallet and the keys, huh?

Yes.

Well, I better have the keys.

Meow.

Yes.

But if I come home now, Daddy,
I'll never get the assignment done.

Tell him it's due Monday.

What?

Yeah, he said that he heard that and for
you to quit prompting me.

But it really is due Monday.

I'm going to have to work all day tomorrow, too.

Chip will bring me home.

I don't know, as soon as we finish the assignment.

I'm listening.

Come on, give me that phone.

Come on.

Hello, Williams.

This is Chip's uncle.

Now, come on, let's get this thing straight.

These kids ain't faking a thing.

They're really doing their homework.

Chip, tell him not to talk to Daddy like that.

He hates people to call him Williams.

Uncle Charley.

Now, look, don't get salty with me.

I'll tell you the way it would work.

We'll let these kids finish their homework,
and then I'll bring her home personally.

I don't care if it's 2 O'clock in the morning.

Now you're talking sense.

I'll see you later, Williams.

Come on, you kids, get to work.

Go on.

Thank you, Uncle Charley.

Hello, this is Mrs. Katz and the Kip.

In case you were wondering, I'm Julius Caesar.

And people keep stabbing me with ketchup.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Come on in.

Come in, Steve.

That's got to be Daddy.

Hello?

Oh, Williams, don't you ever get tired of calling.

Yeah, I know, it's 12.30.

But look, tomorrow's Sunday, she can sleep
late, so keep your shirt on.

Maybe I'd better go.

No, no, stay there.

Okay.

I said I'd bring her home, didn't I?

So go watch a late movie or something.

Right.

See you later, Williams.

Now, you kids cut out the kitchen and hit them books.

Thanks, Uncle Charley.

Yeah, thanks.

I think I'll flake out my room.

You call me when you're finished with your homework.

Did you notice we were the first to leave?

Oh, we usually are.

Well, we ate three hours ago.

The conversation was getting a little stale.

Well, as a matter of fact, so was the air.

Have you ever seen anything Wilder looking than the president
of a huge company running around as a green martian?

Well, it's all over.

Right.

It's over.

We've done our duty, and it's over.

Flattered?

Well, of course.

My husband always says wonderful things
like that when he takes me out.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't shut the door.

Mateo's out there.

Hi, you guys.

Dodie, what are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

My head won't start sleeping unless it hears a story first.

Okay.

Once upon a time, there was this giant.

Was he big or real big?

He was real big.

He was so tall that it looked like he was
always wearing a white hat.

But it was the clouds, right?

Right.

And because his head was always up in the
clouds, his hair got all wet and his skull got real soggy.

Yuck.

And none of the giant girls would look at him.

Because who wants to look at a giant with
wet hair and a soggy skull, right?

Right.

So a genie told him to sit down.

Right.

And he sat down.

And that brought his head out of the clouds.

And it dried out.

His skull wasn't soggy anymore.

And he combed his hair.

And all of a sudden... You forgot the low.

Well, he combed his hair, and lo,
all of a sudden he was real good-looking.

And he asked this real gasser of a giant girl to marry him.

She said yes.

And they lived happily ever after.

Now say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Did you make that story up?

Well, I try and change it once in a while.

But she likes the way I told it to her the first time.

Do you tell her stories often?

Yeah, we all do.

You should hear some of the ones Uncle Charley tells her.

Chip.

Yeah?

You're really something else.

Well.

You got a gas?

It looks that way, Ron.

I thought we had enough of... Barbara,
did you use the car this afternoon?

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I went downtown twice for the costume.

The second time because I thought maybe
yours was too small and I...

I just forgot all about the gas.

It's my fault.

I should have checked before we started out tonight.

I wonder where the nearest gas station is.

The only one I can think of is in Brentwood.

Dad, turn on the ignition for a second.

I don't think that needle is quite on empty.

Oh, but it's awfully close to empty.

Might be something wrong with the carburetor or something.

I don't think so.

I don't think so, Bob.

I think it's out of gas.

Have you got any tools in the back?

Yeah, there's some tools back there,
but you're wasting your time.

It's out of gas.

It sure is a deserted street.

I know.

It's kind of spooky.

It's so quiet.

Katie, don't start that, please.

I'll get the tools.

Maybe there's something I can do.

Okay, but...

It's out of gas.

Something tells me it's going to be a long
time before we hear the end of this.

Well, I wonder.

I wouldn't blame them.

Out there in the dark in two cat costumes
because some dumb woman forgot to check the gas.

I'd better get some gas.

Dad, why don't you stick around and see if
I can get this thing running?

Rob, I know this car is out of gas, but
you go ahead and see if you can fix it.

In the meantime, I'm going to get some gas.

Like that?

What do you mean?

Oh, you mean dressed like this?

I haven't got much choice, have I?

I'm going to get some gas.

Well, just stay on this street until you
get to sunset, Dad.

I'll pick you up if I get it started.

You?

You won't get it started.

Poor baby.

Oh, Steve.

All he needs now is for a big dog to chase him up a tree.

Oh, I'm sorry to bother you.

I ran out of gas.

I'll tell you what.

Where's the clogged fuel line?

Maybe we can catch Dad before he gets too far.

Ah, don't wipe your filthy hands on that costume.

Here, use this.

Hello.

Before you get worried or anything, let me explain.

I look like this because I've been to a costume party.

And I've run out of gas, so I wonder if I
could use your phone.

What do you think?

Oh, hello, officer.

You must be the cat burglar.

Cat burglar?

Well, people panic a little when they answer the door
at one in the morning and a six-foot cat is standing there.

Obviously, he's been to a costume party.

Yes, that's right.

That was Mr. Robert Anderson's up the canyon there.

Right.

Do you have some identification, please?

I'm sorry, officer.

I don't.

You see, this outfit doesn't have any pockets in it
and... You mean you're not wearing trousers under there?

Well, it was so tight I couldn't get trousers under it.

Officer, my name is Stephen Douglas.

I work with Mr. Anderson.

You see, my car ran out of gas.

And you were trying to reach the auto club by phone.

That's right.

Fine.

Let's go find your car and verify the
facts and we'll see about getting that gas.

Oh, that's fine.

Fine.

Where do you want me?

Right here.

Oh, good.

This isn't going to be easy, you know,
with this tail, is it?

No.

Well, say, officer, I've been trying to get this
hood off and the zipper back here seems to be stuck.

Could you help me with it?

After we get in the car, sir.

Oh, fine.

Stay tuned.

Twice as Nice Mornings continues with News
with My Three Sons in TV Land.

Here it is under ecology.

See, I told you.

Chip, did your father come home?

No.

Should he have?

I don't know how we could have missed him.

We've been up and down that street ten times.

What happened?

Well, we ran out of gas and it's too complicated to
explain, but I think we ought to go back to Bel Air.

Barb, I've lived through enough of these to know
that if both parties keep moving, you never meet.

I think we better stay right here and wait for him.

Oh, I keep thinking of him walking up that
canyon with the gal on the gas and his tail bouncing.

Yeah, Barb, you'll be just fine.

I'm sorry we have to put you through this,
but if somebody doesn't identify you

pretty soon, we'll have to run you down to the station.

Uh, Bob, Mr. Anderson, Julius Caesar, at your service.

Bob, would you identify me for these officers, please?

I never saw this cat in my life.

Oh, come on, Bob.

Are you Mr. Anderson, sir?

Yes, and this is Steve Douglas,
one of the best engineers we have.

Bob, could I use your phone, please?

I'm a little worried about Barbara and the others.

Sure, come on in, Steve.

And don't worry, officers, we'll get him home.

By the way, we're missing one Cleopatra
and one Green Martian.

We'll keep an eye out for them, sir.

Uh, officers, thanks very much for being
so sensible about the, uh, whole silly thing.

Thank you.

Frankly, uh, it's made a whole evening.

You know where the phone is, Steve?

Yes, right over there.

Uh, well, finished at last.

Oh, not me.

I still have half a page to go.

I'm gonna get us something cool, Mom.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, not now, honey.

You ought to quit worrying about Dad.

He called, so he's fine.

Well, he didn't sound too fine on the phone.

He sounded angry.

Is he really angry?

Oh, I think so.

I don't blame him.

Neither do I.

He must have looked pretty dumb walking
all over Bel Air in that outfit.

Barbara, where's the soap?

What soap, darling?

The soap that takes these whiskers off.

Oh, it's upstairs.

Did Robbie and Katie go home?

Right after you called.

What did they do, go home in their underwear?

Well, no, Robbie had some trousers under
his costume, and I loaned Katie a robe.

Honey, what's the hurry about taking your whiskers off?

I mean, you're home now.

Well, I'd kind of like to hear what happened.

Barbara, I'm going upstairs, and I'm going to take
this thing off, and then I'm going to take the whiskers off.

And then I'm going to get some other clothes
on, and then I'm going to take a walk, a long walk.

Chip, you stay here with Polly,
and I'll get us something to drink.

That's it?

Well, that's what?

I know your father must have been furious.

Is that all he's going to say about it?

Sure, I told you.

The walk is to cool him off.

That way nobody yells.

Chip.

Yeah?

I absolutely, positively have to get into this family.

Okay, time's up.

I'm taking you home whether you're
finished with that junk or not.

Hey, come on, Uncle Charley.

Look, I'm going to start the car and you'll be
there in a minute or there's going to be trouble.

I'm sorry, Polly.

It's okay, darling.

Dad, I'm used to.

Hey, you called me darling.

Why not?

It's your mother's favorite word when she
talks to your father.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons
straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.

We'll be right back.