11x07 - The Elopement

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My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray,
and his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

When.

Do I get my kitchen back?

Who has it, Charlie?

Chip and Polly, that's who's got it.

They started housekeeping on my kitchen
table with that stupid homework.

I can think of worse crimes, can't you, Uncle Charley?

Sure, but didn't they ever hear of the public library?

Well, we thought we'd go out for a while
and air out our heads.

I'm sure Charley will appreciate it.

See you later.

I'll see you.

Bye.

Bye.

As far as I'm concerned, Chip is a wrung-out duck.

Undoubtedly.

Something you picked up in Kowloon.

Right.

And if you ask me, she's more of a
wrung-out duck than he is.

I think Charley's more right than he thinks he is.

About what?

Well, I have a feeling those two wrung-out
ducks are very close to flying away for the winter.

Well, darling, it's still a long time till winter.

Barbara, take a look at that shaft.

Do you think it's straight?

Crooked as a corkscrew.

Really?

No.

Well, why don't you go out and buy that?

I'll buy that new set of irons anyway.

It's weird, isn't it?

What?

That a rotten thing like homework brought us together.

Well, then it isn't so rotten.

Chip Douglas, that's the most romantic
thing you've ever said to me.

Is it?

You know, I know you're not the talking
type, Chip, with the big line, and I accept that.

Someday when we're married, I'll
appreciate how honest you are.

Well, don't you accept it now?

Sure.

But a girl likes to hear gooey things
about how pretty she is, how her hair

shines in the moonlight, how the boy can't
wait till he sees her.

I can't say that kind of stuff now.

Why not?

Why?

Because you told me to say it.

I'd be like a parrot or something.

Okay.

Only someday when I haven't told you to say it, say it.

We'll see.

You're such a warm person, Chip.

Chip, isn't that the same car?

Yeah, I recognize the guy.

That's the third time we've seen him.

He parked near us when we went to the
market for Uncle Charley.

And he was waiting outside campus when you
picked me up from the chem lab.

I wonder what he's doing up here.

You know what I think?

I think he's following us.

I'm sure he's staying out in the open for
somebody who's following us.

I don't care.

He's following us.

I'm scared.

We don't know the guy's following us.

Let's go back to your house and see.

Okay.

Hey, Chip, we just got our pictures back.

Dad, a guy's following us.

Following you?

Are you sure?

We're sure, Mr. Douglas.

He's driving a convertible.

Hey, the kid's right, Steve.

I'll get a baseball bat and we'll grab him.

Well, now, wait a minute, Charlie.

Chip, how long has this been going on?

We don't know, but we've seen him three times.

And tonight, when we park someplace, he followed us home.

We better find out what's happening, don't you think?

Yeah.

Well, don't you think it might be better
if we call the police?

I don't know, Barbara.

I'll get the bat.

I'll say yeah.

Are you waiting for somebody?

I mean, why are you parked out here this time of night?

Any law against that?

Come on, don't get smart, Alice.

I understand you've been following this
young man and his girlfriend.

Is that true?

Yeah, I've been hired.

I've been following him for a week.

Man, a week.

Why?

Who hired you?

Well, I'm not at Liberty to divulge that.

Here's my operator's badge.

I'm a private investigator.

If you don't tell us who hired you, I'm
afraid we're going to have to call the police.

Look, in my job, I could lose my license for telling.

But let me tell you this.

There's nothing to worry about.

No gamblers, no hoods, nothing like that.

Why would you possibly want to follow two
college kids around?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm taking myself off the case right now, okay?

It's the last you see to me, young man.

Well, if we see you again, we'll call the police.

Is that clear?

But we may work you over a little bit first.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

He.

Was a private investigator.

Yeah, we got all the information we could.

Yeah, but Steve wouldn't let me work.

I'm over it.

Oh, I forgot the bathroom.

What was it?

A private eye or something.

Nothing to worry about, Polly.

He took himself off the case.

What case?

Somebody was having you followed, Polly.

Anyway, it's all over.

I better take you home.

She gets scared real easy.

Why would anybody want to have us followed?

Maybe somebody's idea of a joke.

Good night.

Good night, kids.

Bye.

If that guy comes back, I'll hit him for extra bases.

See, now that they're gone, Dad,
what do you think that was all about?

It's a good question, Ron.

You're watching Furtive and Show all night
long, so stay tuned.

Well, he's not following us.

I couldn't sleep last night.

It's nothing to be scared about.

I wasn't scared so much.

I was thinking about how you took over.

How you protected me.

Told your parents you better get me home.

That's better than all the pretty speeches in the world.

Yeah.

Well, I'd just hate for you to be frightened.

You do?

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.

I just hate it.

I'll tell you why.

Because you don't want anybody to hurt me.

You feel protective.

You know something, Chip?

What?

I think you love me.

What would you say if Polly and I eloped, sort of?

Eloped?

Well, Chip, for one thing, you don't elope, sort of.

And for another thing, it's not really an
elopement if you tell the parents.

Well, you just told me.

Yeah, but we can't tell her folks.

Her dad would go up and smoke or croak or
have me arrested or something.

And I don't know how her mother would act.

But, Chip, an elopement is a very sudden thing.

Sometimes it's so sudden that the people
involved haven't really thought the whole thing out.

We've thought it out pretty well, Dad.

I've saved up some money for my after-school and
summer jobs, and O'Polly has some government bonds.

But not really enough to start two lives, huh, Chip?

Yeah, but they have this deal over at school where
married couples live in a dorm, and it's real cheap.

Of course, you know, 18 is very young to get married.

Sure.

Chip, wouldn't Polly rather have a nice
wedding in, well, maybe a year or two?

I don't think so, Dad.

She's afraid her dad will try and break us up again.

She thinks...

We think that we ought to just up and elope.

Are you quite sure Polly isn't just trying to move
out of a home where she hasn't been too happy?

We face that too, Dad.

The answer's yes, that's part of it.

But not all of them.

Right.

Sure, she said, let's elope.

Lots of times, and I never really paid any attention.

The thing that knocked me out was, I really liked the idea.

Dad, I'm going to say something that sounds pretty dumb.

I love her.

I'm sure you do, Chip.

Dad, will you give me permission to get married?

Chip, I want you to think.

Will you, Dad?

If that's what you really want, Chip.

Written permission?

All right.

Notarized?

Notarized?

Yeah, I checked into it.

It's got to be notarized.

But, Chip, before you do anything as
sudden as eloping, I want you to do one thing.

What?

Dad, I... Now, wait a minute.

Simply find out how he feels about an
early wedding, say, in a year or two.

Maybe you'll find out he doesn't mind.

He'll mind, Dad.

Well, let's put it this way.

I'd hate to be a father who wasn't even consulted and
found that somebody had taken my daughter out of my home.

I think he's entitled to more
consideration than that, don't you?

Here you are, Chip.

Thanks.

My mouth keeps getting kind of dry.

Mr. Williams should be home any minute.

Where's Pauline?

She has a late chem lab on Fridays.

Oh, that's...

That's right, I forgot.

Hello, Tom.

Chip Douglas is here to talk to us.

That's fine.

I'd like to talk to him, too.

Sir, I... Sit down, Richard.

Tom.

Maybe you better sit down, too.

Tom, really, can't this wait?

I mean, Chip's here to talk to us about
something he feels is important.

Well, this is important, too, Margaret.

You'll find this interesting, Richard.

Yes, sir.

Perhaps you'd like to know how some of your
daughter's homework time was spent, Margaret.

Listen to this.

Tuesday last, subject left campus in the
company of young man known as R.D.

at 3.14.

At 3.23, subject and R.D.

entered the Honeycomb refreshment stand.

At 5.05, subject accompanied R.D.

to his home, where she did not reappear until 10.10.

Oh, no, Tom.

Oh, yes, Margaret.

You were the one who had us followed.

Sit down, Richard.

No, I won't sit down.

You scared your daughter half to death.

You know that, Mr. Williams?

Tom, do you mean you actually had your own
daughter followed?

Now, hold it, both of you.

Man, do I feel sorry for you, Mr. Williams.

And am I proud of my father.

Richard, Richard, come back.

I think Chip said it just right.

Man, do I feel sorry for you.

Margaret.

Where's Uncle Charley?

Uncle Charley's in his bedroom asleep.

Oh.

Dodie, get me something to write on.

I gotta leave a note for Mom and Dad.

Okay.

Is Purple okay?

Yeah, anything's fine.

You going someplace?

Yeah, I'm going someplace.

Give this to Dad when it comes to tuck in tonight, okay?

Okay.

I'll make sure.

I'll see you later.

And don't forget to give Dad that note.

Boy, it'll sure be neat when I learn to
read something besides printing.

Hey, Polly.

Here you are, Chip.

What were you doing at the window, darling?

Shh, we're talking so loud.

Don't your daddy hear us?

He's out bowling.

Oh.

Huh?

Want to go?

Yeah, but not without this first.

Steve!

Steve, read this!

I found that on Dodie's pillow.

Dear D&M.

That must mean Dad and Mom.

He was obviously in a hurry.

Polly and I are eloping.

Came to talk to you, but you were gone.

Don't worry, love, Chip.

Don't worry?

Well, Mr. Williams must have thrown a tantrum.

Steve, what are we going to do?

Well, in the first place, I wouldn't know
where to start looking for them.

So I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We're going to brush our teeth, as usual, and then we're
going to go to bed, as usual, and we'll lie there and worry.

Like we did in the movie.

You're watching Fertivision.

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Right here on the one network that puts TV first.

The White Shadow.

Hello, Chip.

Oh, hello, Williams.

Steve, it's 4 O'clock in the morning.

Yes, I know it is.

Well, where is she?

I looked in her room.

She didn't come home.

Is it Chip?

No, it's Polly's father.

Uh, then, uh, Polly didn't leave you a note.

A note?

What note?

Well, uh, Tom, I'm afraid they've eloped.

Eloped?

Well, yes.

You see... I'll be right over.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Tom.

I've...

He's coming over.

Well, call him back.

Honey, I think the least we can do for the father of a
daughter who's just eloped with our son is to listen to him.

Can I see that note again?

Steve.

How do you like that, Margaret?

They get a note and we don't.

You raise a girl, you give her a nice home, you
try to give her the right values, and what happens?

She runs off with the first kid that comes along.

I wouldn't exactly call Chip the first kid
who came along, Mr. Williams.

I'm sorry.

I'm not choosing my words too carefully this morning.

How do you like it, Margaret?

They get a note and we don't.

That's hardly the point, is it, Tom?

She's gone.

Well, it's simple.

It's simple.

We'll have it annulled.

Now, where did they go?

I have no idea where they went, Tom.

And I don't think it'd be too smart to
have the marriage annulled.

Not too smart, huh?

Well, it's not your daughter who ran away with the first...

Look, my daughter is gone.

She's only 18 years old.

She's too young to be married.

I'm gonna have the thing annulled.

I don't agree with you.

I had a long talk with Chip.

You and your boy had a nice, cozy little chat
about how he would run off with my daughter.

Is that it, Steve?

We talked.

We talked, and I gave him my permission.

You gave him your permission?

Notarized.

And I told him to go and talk to you about
it before he did anything.

Which he did.

Now, Margaret, you stay out of this, please.

No, Tom.

Chip came over to talk to you, but you wouldn't let him.

Margaret, I am trying to settle your daughter's future.

You did.

You settled it the minute you told Chip
you had them followed.

Look, a father, a father does these things, Steve.

Now, don't try to make me feel guilty.

I'm still in charge of my daughter's welfare.

You can make this thing legal for Chip, but Polly's only


Now, whether you like it or not,
I'm going to have that thing annulled.

No, Tom.

No, what do you mean no?

Why not?

Because I gave her my permission.

Notarized.

Our daughter's a married woman, Tom.

Face it.

And may I say something else?

I couldn't have found a better son-in-law
if I'd gone out and picked him myself.

Thank you.

We feel the same way about Polly.

They're both bright kids, Tom.

They'll do just fine.

And now they have two families to fall back on.

Mr. Williams.

Tom?

He just can't believe that his wife could
have done a thing like this to him.

Well, she did it because she loves him.

Tom, you were destroying yourself with the
idea of losing Polly.

You were also destroying Polly.

And me.

Maybe now we can start over again, huh?

Come on, darling.

Let's go home.

Probably still say those kids are going to do just fine.

Maybe.

It'll take a little time for me to get used to the idea.

How do grandchildren strike you?

Look, I'm too young for grandchildren.

I'm only...

And she's too young to be a grandmother.

Thank you, darling.

Don't change too suddenly.

I don't think I could stand it.

Good night, Barbara.

Good night, Steve.

Good night.

This was a night I wouldn't care to repeat.

Oh, honey, I want to tell you that you
showed admirable restraint.

Now, anybody else would have, oh, how
does Charley put it, belted him in the mouth.

You know, darling, a terrible thought just occurred to me.

What's that?

I think Williams and I are now related.

Related.

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