11x08 - The Honeymoon

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My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray and
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

My Three Sons,

starring Fred McMurray and his Uncle
Charley, William Demarest.

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray and
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray and
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray and
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray and
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray and
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

She makes goof-eyes at me.

Goof-eyes?

Yeah, every time I turn around, she's
looking straight at me with her clunky old eyes.

What do you mean?

Like this.

Goof-eyes.

Well, Chip, I think you ought to feel flattered.

Sounds like this girl has a crush on you.

No, she hasn't.

She's in love with me.

Won't she tell you that?

Sure, she tells everybody.

Last Valentine's Day, everybody gave each
other a nickel Valentine.

And she gave me a 57.

Not one.

Greater love hath no woman.

Huh?

Nothing.

I can see you have a problem, Chip.

You probably get embarrassed when she does
these things in front of your friends.

The guy's called me Hot Lips Douglas.

Hot Lips Douglas?

Well, I don't think this is any reason to
be unkind to Doreen.

Yeah, but who wants to get married in the second grade?

Well, she wants to get married, huh?

Sure, if I hadn't kicked her in the knee a couple of
times, we would have been married in the first grade.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Peters announced the
marriage of their daughter, Goof Eyes,

to Hot Lips Douglas.

Well, I wonder where Hot Lips Douglas and his wife are now.

Well, I imagine they're somewhere below the border.

Chip?

Andale, Angelita.

Hi.

Buenos dias.

Buenos dias.

Hay falta en El motor.

Get out the frisbee, honey.

Look up falta.

I took three years of Spanish in high school.

Right now, I'm nervous.

Falta.

Mistake or wrong?

Oh, yes.

There's something's wrong with the motor.

Uh, no.

No, no tenemos gasolina.

Ah, hay gasolina muy lejos.

I hope lejos doesn't mean far away.

It does, we're in big trouble.

Lejos, distant, far away.

We're in big trouble.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Well, here we are.

There's the Luna de Miel.

Thank you for all your help, Paco.

She says, much as gracias, Paco.

Here's a little something for you.

No, Chip.

Somos amigos, ¿verdad?

Amigos, ¿sí?

Pues, hasta luego.

Buena suerte y vayan con Dios.

What a wonderful man.

Dad said it was real friendly around here.

The whole place is just for couples on their honeymoons.

I think from now on, everything's going to be okay.

Come on.

Can we leave the car here?

Well, Dad said to ask for Peppy,
and he'd take care of everything.

You like it?

I love it.

And I think you're right.

Everything's going to be okay from now on.

Is it true?

Polly and Chip, hello?

Charlie, you ought to have a broadcasting license.

Well, if it was up to you, nobody would
ever find out anything.

What, are they trying to keep it a secret?

No, as a matter of fact, Barbara tried to call you
kids and tell you, but, uh, well, you weren't home.

Then it is true.

It isn't what you'd call a classical elopement.

I mean, Chip talked to me about it,
and Polly's mother gave her permission.

Oh, then they must have eloped because of Polly's father.

Yeah, old poison Pete.

Chip married.

My little brother.

Chip is now a married man on his honeymoon in Puerto Munoz.

My name is Douglas.

Oh, fine, fine.

You will sign here, please.

My father told us about this place.

Oh, he say nice things?

Oh, yes.

He and Chip's mother just loved it here.

Oh, these are welcome words, senorita.

You will sign here, por favor?

I sign for both of us.

Oh, no, senor.

No, you see, here everybody must sign.

I mean, to himself.

Miguelito, El senor cuarto uno tres tres,
and la senorita cuarto dos zero uno.

Hey, wait a minute.

We don't want separate rooms.

We're married.

Oh, but senor, this is now a singles hotel.

But we're married.

And besides, my dad told us this was a honeymoon hotel.

You even had a sign on it.

Oh, I couldn't change that sign.

And as soon as our new policy is permanent.

You see, senor, they are Betty Martin.

Do they know people like to arrive as
singles than as honeymooners?

In this place, we have the rooms on the left for the
senoritas and the rooms on the right for the hombres.

We find this to be a good arrangement.

Any other hotels around here?

Honey, if I don't get some sleep pretty soon,
I'm going to collapse right here on the floor.

Okay, honey.

Bye.

My son, Miguelito, will sit in your suitcases, senor.

That's right.

They told me I had a roommate.

I'm Mike Wiggins.

I'm Chip Douglas.

This place is really heavy.

Yeah, it sure is.

You know, they told me this used to be a honeymoon hotel.

Yeah.

This is a better deal.

I met a girl tonight who had knocked your hat off.

She had long brown hair and satiny skin and brown
eyes, and we danced a little while ago over the Concha Azul.

Did you ever hear of it?

Yeah, my dad was here.

He told me.

She's from Philadelphia.

Who?

Well, the girl that I met.

By the way, she's got a sister.

You want me to set you up with her?

No.

That's okay.

Okay.

Oh, I'm glad you came home.

I just have to talk to somebody.

I'm Polly Williams.

Douglas.

My husband and I were just married last night.

Well, our car broke down.

And it rained.

And we walked for miles.

When we got to the station, there's nobody
there who could fix the car until the next day.

And then we ran out of gas.

We were pulled here by a donkey.

And now we find out that this is a single's hotel.

Okay.

This is my wedding night.

Have you ever heard of anything so awful in your life?

Lo siento, pero no hablo ninguna palabra de inglés.

You don't speak English?

No.

Oh!

Buenos días.

Buenos días.

You were careful that the say you know?

Break this, señor.

Ah, I don't know.

I think I'll wait for my wife.

Sí.

Oh, she come now, I think.

Señora.

Hi.

Well, did you sleep okay?

No.

Did you?

No.

Oh, I tell Tuchuk what I do.

I break the rule.

Break what rule?

About single.

In between the rooms for the señoritas and the rooms
for the boys, there is a, oh, como se dice, a parlor, no?

I guess I didn't notice it.

Yes, it is to separate the rooms from the
boys and the rooms from the girls.

Tonight I will make from this parlor one
extra room for you.

Oh, you are married.

You must be together.

Oh, man, thanks, Pepe.

Oh, you're very nice, señor.

Of course.

Now, for breakfast, you will require...

Anything.

Eggs, I guess.

Eggs.

Bueno.

And because you are North Americanos,
very little hot sauce.

Ah, you like the walk on the beach, eh, sheep?

It was great.

Oh, sheep, I have not yet entirely
prepared for you your room.

Is the guy in charge here?

Si, señor.

Well, I'd like your best room for me and my wife.

Señor.

Señor, this is a singles hotel.

Singles?

But we're married.

Oh, I'm sorry, señor, but we now have the new rules.

And I saw your ad in a travel magazine.

It said honeymoon hotel.

Oh, señor, that was a year old.

And we've traveled hundreds of miles to get here.

You see, we've been married for a few
years, and we saw your ad and decided to

come to a honeymoon atmosphere to kind of patch up.

It's kind of a second honeymoon.

I'm sure the man doesn't want to hear the
story of a life, Ruth.

Are you telling me that nobody around here is married?

We are.

Oh, there.

Señor, I make the exception in this case only.

If you can make one exception, you can make two.

Now, where do we sign?

This way, señor.

Darling, I wish you'd forget you're a lawyer.

I wish you'd forget you're a lawyer and
stop patronizing people.

I got us a room, didn't I?

Promise me something.

Okay.

Stay like your father.

Okay, I'll try.

Isn't it weird, honey?

What?

Hanging our clothes in the same closet.

We'd better.

It's the only closet.

Chip.

You're about as romantic as a flower.

I'm as romantic as the next guy.

Only I don't know all the words.

Just say, Polly Douglas, the light of day
blushes in your presence.

The sun pales in your brilliance.

The moon basks in the reflected glory of your smile.

You know, if I had to say stuff like that, I'd choke.

Where'd you learn that?

English lit.

Yeah.

Well, while you were learning that,
I was in Woodshop making an end table.

It tastes good.

Will that do?

Byron would have said it.

But I bet he was rotten at making end tables.

I'm going to wash up.

See ya.

Tell me how the moments will move like a
glacier until you see my face again.

Yeah, like you said.

How you doing?

Hi.

If I'd known there was going to be this down
the hall bathroom, I'd have gone back home.

Yeah.

How long have you been married?

Not very long.

We're on our honeymoon.

Enjoy it while you can.

How come?

I've been married four years.

Four.

And out of those four years, I'd say I had
maybe six good months.

Hey, wow.

Right.

I'm not saying it's Ruth's fault.

Not all of it, anyway.

A lot of it's mine.

A lot of it's mine.

We just got married too young.

Well, how old were you?

Twenty.

Forget I ever said anything.

But what happened?

Who knows?

I'm no philosopher.

But adding up the pluses and minuses, my advice
to you would be to run for the hills before it's too late.

Run for the hills?

Yeah.

Flee for your life, man.

Because once you settle down, then the arguments start.

And the misunderstandings and the selfishness.

I make a lot of money now.

You know why?

Because I couldn't stand to stay home and argue.

I went out and I worked.

And I made a bundle.

And Ruth and I share nothing.

Except a bank account.

Don't you love her?

I don't know why I dragged that word into it.

I mean, who has time to find out?

Wouldn't you miss her if she were gone?

I mean, suppose she got an announcement.

An accident or something.

And you didn't have her anymore.

I don't have that kind of luck.

My dad says every time he gets hacked at
somebody in the family, he wonders what it

would be like if they weren't there anymore.

That may be fine for you and your dad.

Now with me, run for the hills.

Yes, honey.

But why should that older man make such an
impression on you?

He's not that much older.

He said that...

Out of four years of marriage,
he's only been happy about six months.

Sure, but he doesn't have a wife like me.

What else did he say?

He said that he was too young to get married.

And he was 20.

Maybe your dad was right.

Here we are, married.

We only got our driver's license two years ago.

Chip.

Yeah?

Did it ever occur to you that...

Maybe he was just plain wrong.

You're right.

He's just plain wrong.

Chip.

Chip.

Why you did not tell to me that you are
the son of Senor Douglas?

I thought I did.

Oh, perhaps, but my head did not receive the message.

Only now when this champagne arrived with
a note from your papa do I know.

What does the note say, Pepe?

He's saying, Dear Pepe, tell my son,
and my daughter-in-law, that we hope they

will be as happy in your hotel as we were a year ago.

Oh, sheep, I chill these, and tonight I
bring to the concha a soup.

And you, sheep, you will dance with your pride.

Thank you, Pepe.

Good honor.

There he is, the teenage philosopher.

Good.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

Some thanks are in order.

You know, I'd like to call you something else besides kids.

We're not that much older than you are.

This is my wife, Polly, and I'm Chip Douglas.

Hi.

You know, you really started something last night, Chip.

I did?

Yes, you did more for us last night than
you could possibly imagine.

You said something in your speech last
night that really jarred me.

I wish I knew what it was.

Well, you were quoting your dad.

You said, what would I do if Ruth wasn't around?

What would I do if Ruth wasn't around for me to yell at?

That finally got through.

It was such a simple thing.

Yeah, well, it may not change this moth into
a butterfly overnight, but I'm going to work at it.

Um, would you like to join us for breakfast?

That sounds really nice.

I'll pull up a chair.

Yeah.

Well, my dad sent us a bottle of champagne.

Peppy's going to serve it tonight to anybody
who's old enough to drink at the Contra Zoo.

Would you like to join us?

That touches me, Chip.

That really does.

Okay, honey?

Sure.

Tomorrow night, TV Land invites you to
experience I Dream of Jeannie in.

Vertivision, the modern miracle marathon
that makes once-a-night watching obsolete

because Vertivision stacks different
episodes of Jeannie back-to-back all night long.

Is that not clever?

Tomorrow night, starting at 8 O'clock
Eastern, 5 Pacific, only in TV Land.