11x16 - The New Vice-President

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Welcome to our show.

Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

Good morning, Evelyn.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, you can't go in there.

Oh, uh, has the board meeting been called off?

No, but the full board isn't meeting this morning.

Oh.

Just the principals, no associates.

What about my report?

Well, I'm sure it'll be all right if you leave it with me.

Ah, fine.

I wonder why I wasn't notified.

Well, you certainly should have been,
but these things do happen.

I'll see that they get the report.

Uh, thanks.

How long do you think the investigation will take?

It's hard to estimate these things,
but it should go quickly.

I don't see why there has to be any investigation at all.

It's customary.

Granted, but I've known Steve Douglas long
before he ever transferred out here.

He was my liaison in Bryant Park, and if ever a
man didn't need to be investigated, it's Steve Douglas.

Louise is right, Bob.

It is customary, and we've all gone through it.

None of us expects this investigation to reveal
anything of importance we don't know already.

Well, then why do it?

Because we're not the only ones concerned.

Joe has a point.

Don't forget, we're involved in government
contracts with high security projects.

The government's going to be looking over our
shoulders at any man we appoint vice president.

Even the wrong wife.

Good.

Be a disaster.

Five minutes with Barbara Douglas would
convince anybody she's anything but disastrous.

I'll concede that an investigation in this
case does seem like so much mumbo-jumbo.

But we all agree that Steve will come through it with
flying colors, so I can't see that it'll create any problem.

That's about what I was thinking.

Mr. Avery?

I'll buy that.

Do we all agree?

Fine with me.

Okay.

Now, the knife goes on the right-hand side
of the plate, okay?

How come?

Because that's the hand on which you use the knife.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Daddy.

Sweetheart.

Hi, Annie.

Hi, Daddy.

Boy, something smells good in here, Charley.

It's supposed to.

This ain't exactly insect repellent I'm cooking.

It's true, huh?

Yeah.

Good.

I'm helping set the table.

Well, that's very grown-up, Dodie.

Honey?

Hmm?

Did anything exciting happen in the office today?

Exciting?

Uh-huh.

No.

Oh.

Something, uh, did happen this morning
that seemed a little odd.

What?

Well, they had a board meeting and I
wasn't allowed to go in.

I thought you sat in on all the board meetings.

Well, I do.

And I don't know why this morning wasn't an exception.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that's why Mrs. Avery invited Dodie and me
to tea with the wives of all your board of directors.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that Steve got kicked off
the board so some dame could invite you to tea?

Did it hurt, Dodie?

Did what hurt, Dodie?

Getting kicked off the board.

Oh, I didn't mean to get kicked.

That's just a way of saying I wasn't
allowed to go into the meeting.

Ain't nobody answered my question yet.

Well, it's really very simple.

Not to me, it ain't.

Nor me.

Well, you're up for promotion.

See how simple it is?

Well, it is.

Steve was not allowed into the meeting
because they were discussing him.

And Mrs. Avery, whose husband is chairman
of the board of directors, invited Dodie

and me to tea with the wives of the
executives because corporations always

check the families of the executives who
are up for promotion.

I see.

Congratulations, darling.

No, great.

Honey?

What will you be when you're promoted?

What?

What will your title be when you're promoted?

Honey, nobody said anything about my being promoted.

Well, just in case you are promoted,
what will your title be?

I don't know.

Somebody will tell me.

Well, you're department head now.

That's right.

Well, what's higher than department head?

Vice president.

Oh, that's wonderful.

That's wonderful.

But you're going to be a vice president.

Honey, if you don't let me go... If I go to
sleep, I'm going to be very tired tomorrow.

Honey, I don't think you can be so calm about it.

I mean, I'd be jumping for joy or something.

Barbara, if and when I'm promoted, I'll jump for joy.

Right now, I'd like to get some sleep.

I wonder how thorough those investigations are.

Why?

Well, I was just wondering if they'd
include Charley in those investigations.

Well, what if they did?

What about all those awful things he said
he did in the Orient?

When he was a sailor?

He didn't do half of them.

Besides, that was 35 years ago.

Now go to sleep, huh?

I love you.

Good night.

Good night.

Pie.

You ate it.

When?

Last night.

All I remember is some peanuts, an
orange, and some cereal and apple cider.

You ate the peanuts and the pie at the same time?

Oh, yeah.

What did you buy at the market?

Well, there it is.

I don't know why I bother putting it away.

Uncle Charley, have you seen Mama?

She and your dad went downtown shopping.

What for?

Some new clothes.

They don't need any new clothes.

They don't outgrow anything.

Barbara thinks vice presidents ought to have something new.

That's why.

Which one do you like, honey?

Well, any of them are fine.

Will they hold a crease?

My husband has a lot of sitting.

These two will because of the synthetic
polyesters mixed with the cotton.

This one is pure wool.

Do you have anything in black?

Black?

Black.

Well, honey, I have a black suit.

I know, but it shines, honey.

I mean, after all, a vice president should
dress like a vice president.

I still don't like the color, Ellie.

Nonsense, dear.

I can't understand you people.

I told the tailor.

I didn't want wide lapels.

Now, look at these.

Oh, I kind of like them, Ellie.

It has to be right for the country club, honey.

Trust me.

Now, where's the tailor?

Right through that archway and turn to your left.

I'll be with you as soon as I finish with these people.

Come along, dear.

Now, here's some nice black material with a pinstripe.

Well, you better discuss it with my husband.

He's the one that's going to wear it.

Do you like this material, sir?

Well, it's nice, but frankly, I think I like the
blue you had out here before a little better.

Steve, don't ever let me interfere again.

I mean, when I saw that woman bullying
that poor little man...

Barbara, down through the ages, I'm afraid wives
have always picked out suits for their husbands.

I know, but it's so degrading.

I mean, if I ever... Just one flick of color, a change
of shirt or a tie, and it's ready for any occasion.

Yeah.

I like that.

What do you think, Barbara?

I like it.

What's wrong with it?

I like it.

I really do.

You know, it's fairly dark.

It's dark enough for formal parties.

Yes, it is.

I like it.

I really like it.

Why don't we take another look at that
black with a pinstripe?

I wish I knew some of the other wives
besides Sylvia Anderson.

I'm afraid I'll walk in there today and
call them all by the wrong names.

No, you won't.

Oh, well, that's easy for you to say.

It's easy for you to do.

I have the inside on the distaff side.

The what?

For instance, Dr. Louise Larson,
vice president in charge of research,

member of the board.

She likes needlepoint, swimming,
and crossword puzzles, dislikes bridge and

team sports, and plays classical piano but digs jets.

Katie, what did you... How did you learn all of this?

From Robbie's secretary, and she got it
from Mr. Marvin's secretary.

The president's secretary?

Right.

Well, they certainly were thorough.

You ready to go to work?

I'm ready.

Okay.

Pauline Avery, wife of the chairman of the
board, likes to be called Polly.

Okay, Polly Avery.

She's very proud of being from Pennsylvania,
but for heaven's sakes, don't mention politics to her.

Okay, positively no politics.

Why?

I don't know.

Anyway, she loves music.

She works on the symphony committee and
concerts for children.

Symphony committee and the concerts for children.

Katie.

Thank you.

Nothing that any daughter-in-law of a
future vice president wouldn't do.

Now, back to Dr. Louise Larson.

Now, she was the first lady engineer to graduate from
Collins Tech, and she got her doctorate at Carnegie Tech.

Carnegie Tech, okay.

Well, how do we look?

Ship-shaped from stem to stern.

Is that good?

That's the best.

You and your mama will be the two prettiest ladies there.

Polly Avery, Pennsylvania.

No politics.

See my new slip?

Oh, you're really decked out.

Needle point swimming crossword puzzles.

What time do you have to be there?

Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry, Charley.

I wasn't paying any attention.

You flipped out of something?

I'm just trying to sort out these people
before I meet them.

Yeah, well, if you don't get going,
you ain't gonna meet them at all.

Oh, you're right.

Okay.

Well, I'll wish us luck.

Sure.

Best of luck.

Come on, love.

All right.

All right.

Ernie, come on.

Take the vice president to the speech stage.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Come on now.

Sit right down.

Take it easy now.

Sit back.

Sit down.

What's the matter with you two fellas?

There's nothing too good for a vice president.

I'm not a vice president.

Well, don't fight it then.

Fight what?

Look.

Look, this whole thing is ridiculous.

Come on.

Tell him, Ernie.

Tell me what?

Mom says you're in.

Yes, and when Barbara says you're in, you're in.

What does Barbara know about it?

Tell him, Alice.

I got a souffle about to fall on its face in the kitchen.

Now take good care of him.

Well, sir, it appears that congratulations are in order.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart.

Mommy.

Mommy.

Mommy.

I went to tea today.

I heard you did.

Did you have a good time?

It was real neat.

All the ladies told Mommy I was an adorable child.

Well, you are, Dodie.

And I didn't spill anything, and they all
liked my new slip.

And the fat lady invited you and Mommy to her party.

Ah.

Dodie, I think it would be nice if you
said the heavy set lady.

Okay.

Only this one was fat.

I'll tell Mommy you're home.

Well, now, Ernie.

Ernie, you're...

What was it you were going to tell me when Dodie came in?

Oh, just that everything went right.

You're in.

Sir.

We're out of candy.

Mm-hmm.

Is there any more in the kitchen?

Nope.

Oh.

Guess I'll have a piece of cake, then.

Well, that's all gone, too.

Cheese crackers or pretzels?

All gone.

How long was Ernie here?

About an hour.

Boy.

What are we going to do when our three
start eating like that?

Well, maybe by then you'll be a vice president like Dad.

Katie, Dad is not a vice president.

Well, maybe not right this minute, but he will be.

Well, eventually I suppose he will be.

Eventually nothing.

Rob, you just won't face facts.

Honey.

Honey.

Honey.

Honey.

There are no facts.

The only fact is that you and Barb picked this idea out
of thin air and then ballooned it way out of proportion.

No thin air and no balloons.

Now, Barbara passed the inspection and so did Dodie.

They probably checked on you and me.

And next Saturday night, Dad and Barbara
take the Francis Marvin party test.

That's the big one.

Well, it's still thin air and balloons as
far as I'm concerned.

All right, now, I don't have to brief you on the
men, but don't forget what I told you about the water.

Well, there's, uh, Francis Marvin.

She's the stout one.

According to Dodie, she's fat.

Dodie's right.

And, uh, Mrs. Summers.

What's her first name?

Miriam.

Miriam.

She's the non-stop talker.

Uh-huh.

And, uh, Pauline Avery.

Polly.

Uh, Polly.

And pollution's okay, but not politics.

Pollution's okay, but not politics.

I call her Polly.

Now, how do I look?

You look terrific.

You know, uh, you've solved the whole problem.

What problem?

About my suit.

With you by my side.

Nobody will even notice that I'm there.

Oh, for such an unflowery man, you say such flowery things.

I'm still sorry your new suit wasn't ready for tonight,
because every woman in the room would fall in love with it.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

Come to think of it, who needs that kind of trouble?

Now, these seem to check out all right, Rob.

They did.

By the way, how was the party?

Oh, the usual.

Anybody say anything?

About what?

About your promotion.

No, not a word.

Katie thought for sure that somebody would
tell you at the party.

No, nobody told me anything.

I wonder why.

Well, probably because there wasn't anything to tell.

It's been two weeks now, and I can't say
I've seen any change in attitude toward me.

Barbara and Katie were reading the signs all wrong.

Yeah, well, not that you don't deserve the
promotion, Dad, but that's what I thought, too.

Well?

You're fine, Rob.

Okay, I'll start getting them processed, Jordan.

I wonder if somebody in the family didn't
check out too well.

Now, according to this report, you spent much of your time
in the Merchant Marine getting arrested all over the world.

It says that?

Brawling, bar fights, disturbing the
peace, incentive to riot.

Yeah, I had some great liberties.

But it says here that you were arrested.

You were arrested 14 times.

Oh, a lot of them places don't keep records.

And this is true?

Oh, sure.

We tore up a lot of ports.

Does it mention vagrancy?

Vagrancy?

Sure, you jump ship and they throw you in a jug overnight.

Much to happen 50 times.

Charley, I don't think anyone can accuse you of dishonesty.

Oh, well, listen, being dishonest don't pay.

I tell the kids that all the time.

I bet you'd do it then.

My Three Sons will return in a moment.

Good morning, Evelyn.

Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

I'm not supposed to go in this morning?

That's right, sir.

But they are having a board meeting.

Just the principals.

No associates?

Yes, sir.

I mean, no, sir, no associates.

I see.

I'm sorry that you weren't notified.

Oh, that's all right, Evelyn.

Do I leave the report with you again?

Yes, sir.

I'll see that they get it.

Thanks, Evelyn.

O'Casey admitted having been arrested 14 times.

Quite readily.

For brawling, bar fights, disturbing the
peace, inciting to riot, all these things listed here?

Every one of them.

Plus vagrancy.

Incredible.

Okay, I'll tell him.

So long.

Tell him what?

The tailor says Dad's black suit is ready.

Oh, that's good.

What's up with Charley?

He went to the market.

I thought he went to the market on Saturday.

Yeah, but he says I'm gaining on him.

Tell me again why you're out of school today.

Well, the teachers have a faculty meeting.

So we go at noon.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dad.

Yeah, she's here.

Steve?

You got the promotion?

Well, now, wait a minute.

Maybe I did, but I really don't know yet.

What do you mean maybe?

Why don't you know?

Well, I'm just saying it's a little too
early to get excited.

I'm sure they've made their decision by
now, one way or another.

But I have been invited to have lunches.

I've had lunch with all the principal board members.

I just thought you'd like to know.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful news.

And I've got some wonderful news for you.

Your black suit's ready.

That's wonderful news?

Well, yes.

You can wear it to the lunch.

Now, let me see.

You wore your black shoes.

Oh, that's great.

Now, look.

If I get the store to deliver the suit to
the plant before noon, will you change?

Well, sure, but... Oh, good.

Oh, honey.

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

Now, look.

You better hang up so I can get that suit delivered.

Okay.

Goodbye.

This was just delivered, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, finally got it, yeah?

Very nice.

Oh, and I'm expecting your St. Louis call any minute.

Good.

Mr. Jennings in St. Louis.

Oh, fine.

Put him on.

Hello, Harry.

Hello, Janet.

Hello.

Steve, ready for lunch?

I know he's expecting you, but he's been
on the phone for an hour.

We'll go on in.

All right.

Hey, Steve.

Oh, I'll be right with you, Abe.

Harry, I'm going to have to get off the phone.

The whole board of directors just walked in here.

Right.

All right.

Yeah, I'll put that down.

Yeah.

Goodbye, Harry.

Steve, I can't wait to meet that Uncle Charley of yours.

He sounds like my kind of guy.

I guess you must like them unpredictable.

Oh!

Sorry, I got this new suit.

I put the coat on.

I forgot the pants.

I forgot the collar.

Louise, would you mind stepping into the next
office while our new vice president puts on his pants?

Well, before I go, congratulations.

Congratulations, Steve.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Steve, congratulations.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.