11x23 - The Return of Terrible Tom

[bunniefuu]

No, he isn't here yet.

I will.

And, honey, try not to be too late.

All right.

Bye-bye.

He's going to be a little late,
and he wants us to apologize to Mr.

Kabinsky for him.

Well, I hope you ain't planning on calling
Tom Mr. Kabinsky to his face.

Better he hears it now.

Oh, boy.

Oh, it's you.

Hiya, Dodie.

Good evening, Charles.

Good evening, Barbara.

Hello.

Weren't you expecting me?

Well, he forgot for a moment.

Come on in, Dorothy.

Hey, uh, you remember when I got that letter from Tom?

Well, tonight's the night.

You know, Charlie, we should have found out where
he's arriving so we could have helped with the luggage.

What luggage?

If I know Tom, he's coming around the horn with a duffel.

Well, I wouldn't count on that.

I mean, people change, Charlie.

That's very true, Charles.

Well, not Tom.

I'll guarantee you he's the same old sea dog that
helped me break up that dance hall in Singapore.

Why would you want to break up a dance hall in Singapore?

Because it was there.

Maybe I shouldn't stay.

Now, stick around.

It'll do you good to meet a he-man.

What?

He's got hair on his chest.

Sam, I'd better go.

There he is now.

Charley O'Casey.

Tom.

Won't you come in, Mr. Kavinsky?

Thank you, madam.

I'm Barbara Douglas.

I'm Charley's niece by marriage.

I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs. Douglas.

Well, this is our friend, Miss Dorothy Danson.

It's a very great pleasure to meet you, Miss Danson.

I'm pleased to meet you, sir.

Charley, wouldn't you like to bring Mr.
Kavinsky's luggage in?

Charley?

Oh, look.

It's the fine Charley.

Charley, surrounded by such lovely ladies.

Thank you.

Sorry I had to be so late.

Say, I, uh, I just met Tom.

I can't believe it.

Neither could Charley.

Could that nice old gentleman really be the terrible
Tom Charley's been telling us about all these years?

Well, he must have mellowed.

To say the least.

Seems Charley's built up a legend that isn't exactly true.

Well, legend or not, I like him better this way.

I mean, who could resist those beautiful manners?

He kissed my hand.

He kissed your hand?

You're kidding.

No.

He kissed Dorothy's hand, too.

She almost melted.

I wonder where he's staying.

I have no idea.

Charley was sure he wouldn't want to stay
cooped up in a city house like this.

He thought Tom would prefer some sailor's
hotel down by the docks.

Uh, come in.

I thought about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Ernie's going to be sleeping in my room,
and me and Tom will be sleeping in his.

Okay?

Well, uh, sure, Charley.

Okay, honey?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Okay, good night.

Good night, Charley.

Well, uh, now we know where he's staying.

Here.

Steve.

Yeah?

I wonder how early in the morning hand-kissing starts.

Since when did you quit sleeping raw?

About 20 years ago, when the circulation went bad.

You'd probably find pajamas more
comfortable than those things.

Yeah, well, I never wear these things.

I just put them on special so that you
wouldn't feel embarrassed.

That's very considerate of you, Charley.

Now, listen.

There's nobody around here but us two.

Now, you can go ahead and talk any way you please.

This is the way I talk.

Oh, now, come on, Tom.

Since when?

Your language used to cause smog.

That's when I had muscle to back it up.

Yeah, but how about all that knuckle-kissing downstairs?

Now, nobody's muscles can be that far gone.

Finesse, lad.

The ladies love it.

But where does that get you?

At my age, I'm not trying to get anywhere.

Good night, Charley.

Hey, Tom, you remember that time in Macau
that we came in on the Lady Alice and you?

I don't dwell on those times, Charley.

The present's good enough for me.

Good night, Charley.

Yes, it was.

It's easy to see you have the soul of a
true artist, Miss Dorothy.

Musical appreciation is also a talent.

Well, we don't have to wait for Steve.

How about some refreshments?

Now you're talking.

Drag it out.

You want to help me do anything?

Be delighted.

Yeah, Steve's pretty lucky.

He'd have to go a long way before he found
a better wife than Barbara.

I meant Miss Dorothy.

Dodie?

The coffee will be ready in a minute.

Oh, you'd rather have milk, wouldn't you?

Please, anything else keeps me awake.

Mama notices things like that.

Well, I thought the music was especially nice.

He certainly knows how to bring out the best in people.

Yeah, Charley may be gruff, but he is the greatest.

Not Charley.

I was referring to Thomas.

Where's Dodie and Tom?

They left.

Left?

When?

Well, they talked for a long time, and
they said they didn't want to wake you up.

So he took her home.

How do you like that?

Did they say anything else?

Yeah.

He said for you not to wait up for him.

Good night.

Good night.

And that bilge rag had the nerve to tell
me not to wait up for him.

How do you like Dallas' broken-down apples?

Charley, he's your best friend.

You can't very well throw him out.

No, well, I can do the next best thing.

Well, who could that be?

I'm too tired to guess.

So I'll go see.

Charley!

Uncle Charley!

I know who I am.

You're going to ask me in?

Why, sure, come on in.

Uncle Charley, what's going on?

Well, what does it look like?

I moved out.

No, no, no, you didn't wake me up.

Charley, well, just a minute.

I'll go get him.

No, Dad, I don't want to speak to Uncle Charley.

Uncle Charley is here.

I wouldn't have called you so late, but I know
that you always listen to the 11 O'clock news.

That's right, I never miss it, Rob.

What do you mean, I mean, Charlie's there,
he's asleep in Ernie's room.

Oh.

No, no, I didn't know that.

Yeah, I think I know the reason why.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Yeah, oh, no, no, that's all right, you didn't wake me up.

Goodbye.

I woke him up.

Oh, Tom.

Hi, Steve.

Steve?

Tom, don't be surprised if Charley doesn't
come home tonight.

I wouldn't be surprised by anything he does.

I've found since coming back that Charley
and I have an almost total lack of communication.

Is that so?

Yes, and I'm going to try to rectify that.

Charley and I have been friends too long
to let language come between us.

Good night, Steve.

Good night, Tom.

What's.

Okay?

Yeah, Steve and Robbie's okay, but...
Little Charley, he's still horsing around.

What happened to the movie?

Oh, I changed it.

Oh, boy, this was some fight.

What?

Some fight?

Yeah, yeah.

This is a repeat.

Well, then you already know who won.

Sure.

Wait till you see the fourth round.

Goshie, he let go with a right at this.

That's it.

Would you folks rather look at something else?

Uh, no, the fight's fine.

Yeah, I'd, uh, I'd rather read anyway.

Oh, it's fine.

Come on, all right, come on.

Let him read.

I think you ought to talk to him.

Talk to whom?

Charley.

Why?

Well, for one thing, it's awkward having
Mr. Kubinski here without Charley.

Oh.

Well, is he getting in your way?

Well, no, he's at Dorothy's most of the
time, but after all, he is Charley's friend.

What you're trying very hard not to say
is that you're worried about Charley, huh?

Yeah, I'm worried about Charley.

Well, honey, if he wants to run away from
home, I think we should let him.

It might do him good to stay with the kids
for a couple of days.

I'm sure they enjoy having him around and a nice gin.

Oh!

How many?

I refuse to tell you.

Put him down, Tom.

Come on, hit him.

Not with your right, you dummy.

Use your left.

He's wide open for a left.

Use your left.

Come on, come on, come on.

Get him.

Hello?

What?

Hey, hang on a second.

Uncle Charley, excuse me.

I got to turn this down a second.

Hello?

Oh, hi, John.

Yeah, hang on a second.

Let me ask Katie.

Honey, what about tomorrow night?

John and Maggie want to know.

Oh.

Better tell them to make it some other time.

John, we better make it for some other time.

I'll explain later.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Goodbye.

Uh, what are you going to make some other time?

Oh, nothing important, Uncle Charley.

Oh, you'll explain later because I'm here, right?

Okay, Uncle Charley.

We invited some friends over, but we're
going to make it for some other time now.

What's the matter with tomorrow night?

Well, they usually stay late, and we
didn't want to keep you up.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you go ahead and make it for
tomorrow night because I ain't going to be there.

Now, wait a minute, Uncle Charley.

Look, I don't have to get ran by a tanker
to know when I'm in the way.

I'll be out of here in five minutes.

Well, I figure if I can just make it
through the next math exam, I'll be okay.

Biology is my hang-up.

Problem is somebody borrowed the dictionary.

Uncle Charley.

It ain't your friendly door-to-door salesman.

Am I welcome or not?

Sure.

You're always welcome, Uncle Charley.

You don't have to ask.

What are you doing with that thing?

I couldn't get everything in my purse.

Now, where do you want me to sleep?

You want to sleep here?

We've only got one bed.

Okay, so it ain't the Ritz.

And we don't have a couch, because the
couch makes into the bed.

Well, where do I sleep?

How about a sleeping bag?

I'll take it.

Oh, my back.

What time is your first class?

Well, it's field work, because it's Saturday.

We wanted to get up early so we could hit
the books again this morning.

Well, the least that I can do for you kids
is to fix your breakfast.

Oh, thanks, Uncle Charley.

We've already eaten.

I can make you some coffee.

No.

You kids have got better things to do than to wait on you.

I'll make my own coffee.

Okay.

We can't get up.

Well, I think maybe I'll paint the garage door today.

I wonder if Charley got that paint.

Oh, I don't know, honey.

You're going to have to call him and ask him.

Oh, I don't want to bother him.

I'll do something else.

Why don't you play golf?

Hey, that's a good idea.

I wonder why I didn't think of that.

Does anybody know where my good jeans are?

Oh, you mean those patched ones with the
torn pockets and the hacked-off legs?

Yeah.

I thought Charley threatened to burn those.

Oh, he couldn't take a chance on polluting the air.

Look in the laundry room, honey.

Okay.

Steve.

I know.

We all wish he'd come home.

How's it going, Uncle Charley?

Hey, what are you doing home so early?

I haven't got anything to do until 11,
and I wanted to talk to you.

What about?

About why you're here.

Well, uh, what's the matter?

Don't you like a little company?

That's got nothing to do with it.

Look, you might as well know I called home
and found out what's bugging you.

Nothing's bugging me.

You'd all been out of shape because Mr.
Kubinski stole your girl.

Now, believe me, Alice, she ain't my girl.

And if she was, no sweet-talking old sea
dog is going to come along and steal her.

Okay.

But if I'd come to you with a problem like
that, what would you have told me to do?

By golly, you're right.

About what?

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

What?

I'm going over there and belt them.

Where?

Where is he?

Who?

That cotton candy Casanova.

Mr. Kubinski?

Yeah, just tell me where he is,
that's all, and I'll beat him like biscuits.

Charley, you know you don't mean that.

A fight.

There's going to be a fight.

Is he upstairs?

Oh, there's Coke.

Charley!

Now, wait a minute, Charley.

Let's talk this over.

There ain't nothing to talk over.

I'm going to found that prissy talking old
pirate to a pulp.

Well, you in what army?

Me in no army.

That driveway suit you?

Suits me fine.

Come on.

Call the police, Ernie.

Police?

Hey, Steve, you wouldn't call the police, would you?

You can bet I would, Charley, unless you
two characters do as I tell you.

Now, I want you both to sit down for 10
minutes and try to cool off.

But if you still want to fight, well, we'll all
go out in the driveway and I'll be the referee.

Is that fair enough?

Well, you ain't leaving us no choice.

Come on, Tom.

My Three Sons will return in a moment, here on Odyssey.

If you're going to rely on strength, rely on the strongest.

Like the strength of C... We're in our strength.

I never thought Steve would pull a thing like that on us.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Listen, it could happen to anybody.

You all right?

Yeah.

I guess he got a little overexcited at the
prospect of a good fight.

Me too.

Yeah.

Hey, Charley, remember that time in Zanzibar
when the native police threw us in the jug for.

...

What did we do?

Oh, they thought we set them crates on fire.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, that was in Zamboanga.

I remember because Swede got that
sunburned lying on the deck and nothing on.

Yeah, and he couldn't sit down for a week.

Well, they are finally reminiscing.

Yeah, that's all Charley wanted.

I'm glad Tom finally saw it.

I didn't know you were such a diplomat.

I had to be.

If I hadn't, I could have been clobbered from both sides.

Oh, well, I would have protected you.

Thank you.

How about that time, Charlie, in Auckland?

Oh, yeah, around Christmas time.

Yeah, and the girl took us up to her
parents' house for leg of lamb.

Yeah, her name was Peggy.

And boy, what a shape she had.

It was a 48, 48, 48.

Oh, every bit of it.

Yeah, it was only a little.

Nothing.

And so are all his friends, Richie,
Foxy, Ralph, even Arlo, and Al.

So find your couch and sit on it.

Happy Days, tonight at 6, here on Odyssey.

Happy Days, tonight at 6, here on Odyssey.

Happy Days, tonight at 6, here on Odyssey.