11x24 - After the Honeymoon

[bunniefuu]

My son?

Which one?

Oh, we'll send him in.

Hi, Rob.

Hi, Dad.

Well, the axe finally fell.

They tied the can to me.

They did?

Yeah.

Well, I knew it was in the offing, but I
didn't think it would happen this soon.

Of course, they canceled that contract we were expecting.

Oh, Mr. Anderson explained it all to me.

I mean, 22 of us young cats just didn't
have enough seniority.

You know, Dad, this is the first time I've
ever been laid off from anything.

Well, Rob, why don't you look at it this way?

Oh, that's all right, Dad.

I can face it.

Happened at a perfect time.

How do you mean?

Well, there's an opening at Tri-Space.

Mr. Anderson got me on there.

I start Monday.

Tri-Space?

But that's in San Francisco.

Right.

I'll get it.

Charley, Robbie, Katie...

Dumbest thing since flagpole sitting.

Selfish.

All they think about is themselves.

Charley, Robbie and Katie are here.

They're on their way to say goodbye to Chip and Polly.

Swell.

What?

Anybody that's not headed enough to pull up stakes and
go to some other town ain't getting any goodbyes from me.

Well, you can't mean that.

Try me.

Charley, come on.

Robbie wants to get going.

The boys are getting a little restless.

Tell him to be my guest.

What?

Steve, um, Charley doesn't like goodbyes.

I don't mind goodbyes.

I just don't like this goodbye.

Look, I never even owned a dog.

All those years at sea and...

not even a dog.

And now I got a kid, a real-life kid, named after me.

And they're taking him away.

There'll be plenty of visits, Uncle Charley.

Hey, you guys, go say goodbye to Uncle Charley.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, give him a big hug.

Give Uncle Charley a big hug.

Oh, I know you'll come back.

Oh, yeah.

I won't waste your time if you won't waste mine.

I'm looking for an apartment with two bedrooms.

One for my wife and me, and the other for our triplets.

Boy triplets.

Well, I'm sorry, love, but we do have a rule.

Naturally.

I had begun to think before today,
that is, that children are people.

But I find they aren't.

Oh, what dolls.

Hi, you little... My name is Mrs. Mortenson.

Yes, those are buttons.

Hey, you know what?

We are all going to live together.

I thought you said you had rules.

Oh, we do.

And the mister's going to be quite angry.

Say, um, these are all the children you have, aren't they?

This is the entire litter.

Mrs. Mortenson, you don't know what we're talking about.

We've been through today.

Oh, yes, I do, love.

Oh, yes, I do.

Apartment hunting is the curse of the nation, as they say.

Well, come on, little darlings.

We are going to go see if Mom and Papa
like the apartment, okay?

Oh, come on.

Move along.

You know something?

Huh?

I was so worried about the move and what
it was going to do to us.

And now I, I can't believe it.

Can you?

No, not quite.

Hey, honey, why don't you check the phone
and see if by some fluke it's connected?

We really ought to call home and tell the folks.

Yeah.

It's dead.

I'll write them tomorrow.

And you made one mistake in that last sentence.

What's that?

This is home.

Hey,

welcoming committee.

Oh.

Well, we're the Douglases.

That's Katie and I'm Rob.

Hi.

I'm, uh, Clark Sullivan.

Uh, formerly Fabian Sullivan, formerly DeWitt Sullivan.

Uh, I think I'll stay with Clark this time.

Would we sound too dumb if we didn't
pretend we knew what you were talking about?

Huh?

Oh, no, I'm, I'm in show business.

I sing.

And every once in a while I change my name
to sort of boost my confidence.

You like Clark?

Yeah.

That's a nice, strong sound.

Good.

Well, anyway, I'm your neighbor in 1C,
and, uh, this is champagne.

Or it would be if I could afford it.

Let's have some.

Here, I brought everything.

Okay.

I hear you have triplets.

What, through the wall?

No.

Rumor.

This building is a rumor factory.

Is it true?

Yeah.

You want to see them?

Oh.

You don't know.

Nobody does.

That'll be Willis Mortenson.

How do you know?

Well, number one, he knows your bell doesn't work.

Number two, every time Cleo rents to
people with children, he tries to throw them out.

Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Mr. Mortenson.

I'd like you to meet Rob and Katie Douglas.

Do you know them?

Your wife already accepted their money,
and the Douglas's like it here.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Sullivan.

That is your name this week.

Clark Sullivan.

How does it strike you?

Can I speak to you alone, please?

I'll leave.

The children are very quiet, as you can hear,
and Rob and Katie are happy with the place.

They like the rent.

They like the park across the street.

They like the school only a block away.

And legally, you don't have a leg to stand on.

We'll talk about legally when you start up your motorcycle.

I'll tell the two in the morning.

Now, Mr. Douglas, you've got to understand
the landlord's viewpoint.

Mr. Mortenson, why doesn't the doorbell work?

Well, it works.

The painter painted over a couple of extra
times, and it sort of vibrates now.

But if you stand on the chair and put your
ear up to it, you can hear it fine.

Speaking of chairs, we only have three in our dining area.

Your wife said one was missing.

Well, yeah, sure.

One of the legs was wobbling, so I'm fixing it.

Now, my position about children,
Mr. Douglas... Mr. Mortenson, come with me.

There's something over here that's costing you a fortune.

A fortune?

Yeah.

I happen to be in a business where we account
for every penny, so I guess I look for these things.

Look at that.

Can fix that.

No, it needs a washer.

Now, you pay the utilities here, right?

Yeah.

I figure you're probably losing about a
yard foot of water here a month.

That's one faucet in one apartment.

How many apartments in this building?

Twelve.

Twelve apartments, one faucet like that,
and each apartment, that comes out to be

about an acre foot of water a year you're wasting here.

Now, I don't know what your water rates are up here, but...

Well, they're plenty.

I'll get my tools, or I'll be right back.

What is an acre foot of water?

I don't know, but it sounds expensive.

Hey, Ann, see if you can get the phone connected.

Maybe Clark will let you use his phone.

And, uh, if you get a chance, find out where
the nearest bank is so we can deposit the savings.

Ann, maybe we better get the milk started.

And maybe a morning paper.

And, uh, good night.

Here we are.

A whole new world.

Miles from everybody.

Honey, it takes a minute to reach the
family by phone, 45 minutes to fly to L.A.

Well, I don't mean that.

I'm talking about you and me.

New job, new life.

Well, we knew what was ahead of us.

Rob?

What?

Are you happy?

What kind of a question is that?

I'm scared.

Of what?

I'm scared of you and me.

I'm scared of you and me?

Well, if you didn't have me and the kids,
all your responsibilities, I.

Feel like I've put an anchor around your neck.

An anchor?

Honey, don't you know by now that I love you?

I just want to make you happy.

I want it to last for the rest of our lives.

Maybe when you're 80, I might trade you in.

Hey, Rob, I'm serious.

Honey, let's stop talking like this, okay?

Believe me, I'm happy.

I've got to get up early for work tomorrow morning.

So good night.

Good night.

Hi.

Oh, Tracy, I didn't expect you back from
the doctor so soon.

What did he say?

He says I didn't do the rabbit any good.

Oh, does Bill Moore know yet?

He was there.

He drove me.

The minute I told him I was pregnant,
he got sick right in the doctor's office.

Oh, Tracy, this is Katie Douglas in 1D.

Hi.

Hi.

Katie, this is Tracy Lee.

She's about to have her first baby.

Oh.

I hear you have three.

That's right.

I'm going to be needing some advice.

I'll be expecting visitors.

Better grab a machine, folks.

Here comes one.

Weeping Wilma.

Oh, machine's all taken?

Yeah.

Katie, this is Wilma Chambers.

Been married three weeks.

Hi.

This is Katie Douglas.

Uh, are you the one with the triplets?

Mm-hmm.

The doctor says I don't have to go on too much of a diet.

They're starting to go back to fat mothers and fat babies.

Yeah, I heard that, too.

A friend of mine down in L.A.

went up to 160 pounds, and nobody seemed worried.

Well, listen.

The doctors knock you out anyway, so what's the difference?

What's the matter with Wilma?

Who knows?

Sherry, this is Katie Douglas.

Oh, I figured it had to be.

I'm Sherry Cross.

Hi.

And we were just talking about your favorite hate, babies.

I don't want you to give Katie the wrong idea.

I mean, I love babies.

I just don't feel that a husband should be saddled
with too many responsibilities too early in life.

Douglas, we didn't finish our little talk last night.

I'm glad I bumped into you, Mr. Mortenson.

You know the storage cupboard in the carport?

Yeah, what about it?

Well, the door fell off.

I parked the car out here in the street so
you could get to it.

Oh, did you fix the doorbell?

Not yet, I've been swamped.

Well, first chance you get.

That's the way he is.

You know, Goofy does the same thing about it.

See what happened when he got there.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Oh, honey, hi.

I'd like you to meet some of our new neighbors.

Ellie and Tracy and Wilma and Sherry.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

They say nobody bothers with last names around here.

Help me up, Rob.

I should know better than to sit down without a Derek.

Well, first day home from the job,
he doesn't need us hanging around.

We'd better go.

Nice to meet you.

See you later.

Bye.

Bye.

Come on.

We'll see you around sometime.

In the hall.

Goodbye.

It's quite a game.

Oh, honey, you don't know what it's like
talking wife and mother together.

I have girls my own age.

How was the job?

Yeah, it was fine.

I can tell it wasn't fine.

What happened?

Oh, nothing, really.

I've got an office with three other guys
and it pays a lot less.

I'm just tired, I guess.

I'll get it.

How you doing?

Hi.

I'm fine.

Hi.

Oh, you look nice.

Thank you.

Hey, don't eat, you guys.

I'm gonna take you out on the town.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, to celebrate your first work night
here in the pregnant palace.

Well, come on.

I'll sit there.

Let's go.

Oh, Clark, thanks, but we can't.

I don't want to leave the boys with a new sitter so soon.

Why don't you stay and have a bite with us?

Okay.

I'll fix it.

I'm sure glad she turned me down.

I can't afford a night on the town.

Hey, Rob, you really look beat.

Yeah.

Why don't you jump on my bike and run it
around the block a few times?

What for?

Gives you a feel for freedom, man.

You married cats need all the freedom you can get.

No, thanks, Clark.

I can pick up and go anytime I feel like it.

When you feel that wind brushing your
face at 60 miles an hour on a bike, that's it.

Rob?

Rob?

You know, I ought to go into the hypnosis business.

Five minutes with me and put him right to sleep.

You know something, Wilma?

We older women don't know what to do about a lot of things.

Aren't you supposed to?

Hey, Katie, look what I found.

It's howdy-doody time.

Tracy's driving me to the hospital.

Wilma, could you watch my boys for me?

I think they may need me.

Sure.

Thanks.

On the way back, I'm going to pick up some
pickles and peanut butter.

Fillmore's beginning to get cravings.

Kelly, don't just stand there.

Go.

Oh, no rush.

I've had more false alarms than Freddy in
the entire fire department.

We may not have much dignity, but you
can't say we're not motherly.

Now, don't worry about a thing.

We'll keep checking with the hospital.

He.

Has no right to do that.

And a right to have a baby?

Kind of, Sandy.

But she's so happy about it.

Well, Jack and I have been married six
years, and we don't have any children.

Do you know why?

Because you just can't do that to a man.

I mean, everywhere I look, I see husbands dragging home

exhausted because they're
worrying about the bills and the rent.

And you know, one day you wake up,
and you're 50, and you're a widow.

My Three Sons will return in a moment, here on Auto.

Ten wrinkle corrector.

Hi, Kate.

Dad.

It's good to see you.

Well, what a pleasant surprise.

Well, I'm on my way to Seattle,
and I just have time for one visit between

planes, so I called Robbie and told him I
was coming out to see you and the boys.

Oh, I'm so glad you did.

Come see our apartment.

Hey, you got a nice view.

Oh, yeah.

You can see the whole city.

Hey, how are Barbara and Dodie and Ernie
and Chip and Polly and Uncle Charlie?

You forgot tr*mp.

And tr*mp.

They're all just fine.

Oh, Dad, it's so good to see you.

If I ever needed you to talk to me, I would.

If I ever needed you to talk to you, it's now.

Oh?

Is something wrong, Kate?

I don't know where to start.

First of all, the boys are fine.

They're in their room asleep now.

And I love it here.

All kinds of people our age.

Some having babies and some newlyweds.

And our manager is a doll.

Her husband is a tower of prejudices,
but... Katie, I don't have too much time.

Why don't you tell me what's wrong?

Okay.

Oh, it's Rob.

Oh.

My dad.

When he was laid off, I urged him to come
up here and take a job for less money.

I tie him down when he could be free like Clark.

Who's Clark?

Well, he's our neighbor.

He owns a motorcycle and the wind brushes
his face and all that.

I'm the one that came up with three babies instead of one.

Do you think that's wrong?

Of course it's wrong.

I've put a saddle on Rob.

He won't get out of the rest of his life.

Katie, don't you realize that's what just
about every man wants?

To be stuck in a rut?

If that's what you want to call it.

Even your neighbor with the motorcycle and the
wind in his face will eventually want just what Rob has.

He'll just pick his time, that's all.

You really think so?

I really think so.

Listen, I was free for a while.

Barbara didn't snare me, I merely picked my own time.

And she and all that went with her is just what I want.

Oh, Katie, I'm sorry, but I'm going to
have to get back to the airport.

But I do want to see the boys.

Well, sure.

Right this way.

Oh, but first, thanks, Dad.

And then Dad said, Dad, maybe you picked your own time.

Maybe you...

Maybe you don't want the wind in your face.

Maybe this is what a man wants.

I know one thing.

It's what this man wants.

Good night.

I know one thing.

It's what this woman wants.