12x03 - Lady Douglas

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Welcome to our show.

Mother.

No, no, Mother.

You're getting it wrong.

Fergus is Steve's cousin from Scotland.

His first cousin.

Actually, Laird Douglas of Scythian Bridge.

No, no, no.

It's a little village.

Anyway, I wish you were in town because you
have never seen two men look so much alike.

Hi, Fergus.

If you don't think I went through the
ringer trying to get a sub for tonight, whoops.

I blew it again, right?

I'm afraid you did, Miss Dowling.

Fergus is still upstairs dressing.

Well, do you want me to sit down or is Fergus almost ready?

Oh, of course.

Sit down.

He should be down in a minute.

You don't like me, do you?

Well, why would you say a thing like that?

It shows.

See, I look at it this way.

You got a bad first impression, right?

I mean, Charley's friend tells me that Fergus is in the
market for a wife and I pop over here like I got no pride.

Would you care for some coffee, Miss Dowling?

I think it's still hot.

No.

See, I don't blame you for not liking me.

I'm a waitress in a bowling alley.

I talk too much and I ain't exactly lady beard of ears.

Oh, no, you're fine.

Look, don't be embarrassed.

My mother used to say, God gave you a
mouth to eat and talk with.

Eat and makes you fat, talk and makes you friends.

You my friend, Mr. Douglas?

I, uh, well, of course.

Then don't get hacked at me for dating Fergus.

I think he's a doll.

Honest.

Fergus will be right down.

Maybe I'll see Terry.

I'm Barbara Douglas.

Hi, Barbara.

And this is our daughter-in-law, Katie.

Fergus probably told you about it.

Uh, well, no, Fergus isn't too Gabby.

Hi, Katie.

Hi.

I was just telling Steve here, you folks
have no worries about Fergus and me.

Worries?

Well, let's face it.

I come barging over here like I've been flung out of a
catapult as soon as I hear there's a bachelor available, right?

Well, no.

No, it's true.

But then I met him.

We had that silly tea right here in this room.

And it was nice.

What I'm trying to say is, is he's too nice a guy for
any woman to get her hooks into, and that includes me.

Well, here we come, ready or not.

Terry, this is the best we can do with the
materials at hand.

I, uh, wore my own tie.

What do you think?

He'll do.

Hi, Scotty.

Uh, good evening to you, Miss Dowling.

Come on, I'm gonna show you the site.

Bye, all.

Have a nice time.

You know, I, I think Terry's a, a nice girl.

A really nice girl.

Sure she is.

A little rough around the edges,
maybe, but, uh, Terry is a good egg.

You know what impressed me?

Was her honesty, her lack of pretense.

As if she sensed that we were concerned about him.

Uh-oh.

Somebody doesn't agree.

Coffee?

No, tea.

Fergus and I have this thing about tea.

Do I call you Lord Fergus?

No.

Then why do you call me Miss Dowling?

I cannot get the swing of your first name
on such a short acquaintance.

Okay.

Let it come out when it's more natural.

That's my table over there.

And that one, and that one.

And on Thursdays when Magda has her day
off, that one over in the corner.

They're, uh, muckle-fine tables, Miss Dowling.

Muckle-fine?

Aye.

You know, I never noticed it before, but
now that you mention it, they are muckle-fine.

Here we are.

Thank you.

Thank you, ma'am.

Shall I pour it?

Aye.

Are you enjoying the book?

Yeah.

You're afraid it's going to do something
foolish and... pop the question tonight, aren't you?

And you've decided that Terry doesn't have very
good grammar and that she's a little over-friendly, right?

And that Fergus may just be a babe in the
woods with a girl like that.

Well, you want to know what I think?

I thought you would.

Well, I think that Fergus is very lucky to
have a lusty, honest girl like Terry

instead of one of these sidey dolls that
has a lot of manners and no insides.

That's what I think.

Good night.

I want to thank you for a marvelous conversation.

Really, very fulfilling.

Well, here we are.

Uh, what do they call this place?

Neckingbird Lane.

Neckingbird Lane?

Well, it's just a silly name.

I thought you might like to see it.

Uh.

Uh, it is Bonnie.

We'll tell you the truth, Fergus.

It's supposed to be romantic.

See all the other cars?

Aye.

Well, now you've seen it, let's go.

Uh, no.

No, it is a pleasant weekend.

Ben.

Terry.

You said it.

You finally said Terry.

Aye.

As that English writer puts it,
uh, it rolls tripping me on the tongue.

English writer?

You mean Shakespeare?

Aye.

Uh, of course he, uh, cannot compare with
Robbie Burns, but, uh, he does have a flair for words.

Terry, I, uh, I will show you something.

Oh.

Well, that's beautiful.

Do you concede that it's so?

Oh, sure.

No.

No, Fergus, look, if you have any weird
ideas of giving this to me, it's just plain no.

To the family crest.

Well, that's swell.

You've, you've got a great ring there, Fergus.

Now, you keep it.

I, I, I know.

I came running over when I thought you
were available, but...

I've changed my mind.

You can my meaning?

I, I can your meaning.

Well, they're home.

Fergus,

don't just sit there like alone.

It's, it's, it's not that I don't like you.

I cannot.

Will you stop, Ken, and start listening to me?

We had a cup of tea a few days ago,
and, and then this day tonight.

Now, that's... That's it.

That's the entire relationship.

But you can't give me a ring on such short notice.

I did not give you a ring.

Oh.

Well, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.

You know, I, I assumed that you
wanted me to be Lady Douglas,

and, and, and you were handing
me the family ring as a sort of...

How dumb can you get?

Dumb is akin to stupid, Terry.

You're no stupid.

You're a wee person with a lovely face.

I fancy you heavily.

You fancy me heavily?

Aye.

Are you saying you love me?

Aye.

But how can you?

It is not difficult.

I.

Sort of fancy you heavily myself, Fergus.

I'm going to kiss you.

But it's just a kiss.

I don't want the ring and I don't want any real estate.

Okay?

Aye.

I.

Found that to be the most satisfactory.

Well, hi there, Lord.

This is Terry's night off, didn't you know?

Uh, yes, I know that, uh, but I'm not who you think I am.

You don't talk like him.

I'm his cousin.

You could have come out of the same egg.

I wonder if I could talk to, uh, Jonas Tevrin, is it?

Sure, I'll get him.

Have a seat, anywhere.

Uh, thanks.

Uh, the booth, all right?

Yeah.

I see him sign these twins.

Don't look more alike.

All right.

All right.

All right.

I think I'm in the second booth.

Hi, you the cat wanted to see me?

Uh, yes.

You okay if I sit down?

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Last time I left my horn on the stand, some guy pawned it.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, I, uh, I'm Charley O'Casey's nephew.

Yeah, he was, uh, telling me about some
cat from Scotland, uh, looking for a wife.

I know.

You know a lot.

Give me the downbeat.

The downbeat?

Yeah.

Yeah, what do you want from me?

Well, I was wondering, uh, what you would
tell me about Miss Dowling.

Why?

Well, you see, the, uh, man from Scotland
who wants the wife, uh, happens to be my cousin.

And, uh, I believe he's interested in Miss Dowling.

Oh, well, well, Terry's a good kid.

I mean, a, a really good kid.

That first marriage of hers was nobody's fault, right?

I mean, they were both babies.

Uh, you say, uh, first marriage,
uh, she's been married, uh, twice?

Yeah, yeah, anybody 37 years old that ain't
been married twice has got to be a real B-flat dog.

She's, uh, 37.

Plus, she's an Aquarius.

Hey, here she is now.

You can ask her yourself, fella.

I got a set to play.

Hey, Terry!

Hi, Jonas.

Uh, somebody here to see you.

I just got my check.

I was gonna come pick you up.

You again.

Doing a little snooping, Mr. Douglas?

I'm afraid you might call it that, Miss Dowling.

And it's so much against my nature that I
can hardly believe I'm here.

But that's not the point.

What is the point?

The point is, I think I have a relative
who is being taken advantage of.

You think so?

Yes.

If I'm wrong, I'll apologize.

Now, for one thing, I understand you're
not 34, as you told him and me.

You're at least 37.

Well, isn't that a little trivial?

What woman you know tells her right age?

Well, I suppose that's true.

But in this case, it happens to be important.

Fergus wants heirs.

For another thing, I understand you've
been married twice, not once.

Okay.

I'm 37, and I've been married twice.

And I've been arrested once.

And I will be Lady Douglas soon.

There's nothing you can do to change that.

So I see.

Arrested for what?

I don't know that.

You know, Barbara, now that I've found my suspicions
are right, I don't seem to find much satisfaction.

There's no satisfaction in it.

Is Fergus getting dressed to go out?

Oh, he's been dressed for ages.

She should have been here an hour ago.

Maybe you talked her out of it.

I'm not even sure that's a good thing.

Here, Daddy.

Uh, what's this?

We want to take your picture.

Oh, honey, look, I don't think your
daddy's in any mood for anything like this.

It's just a little test I'm running.

Now, I say if Dad puts on Uncle Fergus's
hat and jacket and I take a picture,

and if I take a picture of Uncle Fergus in
Dad's suit, nobody could tell him apart.

Yeah, but I don't think your father would be like this.

No, it's okay, Barbara.

Oh, thanks, dear.

And, Mom, I might get it in the school paper.

And I'll make you another bet.

Even you couldn't tell him apart if you weren't in on it.

You know, I want to see one of those pictures, because,
personally, I don't think there's that much resemblance.

But put on the hat, too.

Okay.

I'll be back in a minute.

Say cheese, Daddy.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't say cheese.

Okay.

Come on, come on, you two, upstairs.

My Three Sons will return in a moment, here on Odyssey.

Sometimes I wonder why I care so much.

Terry, well, come on in.

Mama, come here.

I'll be right down.

Please, come on in.

You stay right there, because I'm going to make a speech.

You stay right there.

And don't you say one word until I've finished.

I've been driving round and round, thinking.

And I've finally come to a conclusion.

Like you say anything, I'm walking right out this door.

Number one, I'm no lady.

So I could never be Lady Douglas.

Number two, I lied to you about my age.

I'm 37 years old.

So maybe it wouldn't be so easy to have all
those little bairns you're always talking about.

Number three, I've been married twice.

My second husband was k*lled overseas and I loved him.

Number four, I was arrested once.

They call it vagrancy.

That means you get picked up for sleeping on a park bench.

And...

Hearts and flowers are over, Scotty.

I think I love you.

But I'm not even sure of that yet.

I'm leaving this here.

No, I said please stay where you are because
I can't think too straight when you're close.

Terry, I'm afraid you've done it again.

And you just let me stand there and spill
my insides out like that.

Right.

You told me not to say anything.

Remember?

That's because I thought you were him.

What are you doing in his hat and coat
trying to make some kind of a dummy out of me?

Yeah.

The kids just wanted to take a picture.

Here, Terry.

Put the ring back on.

Why?

Because I think you will make the best
Lady Douglas Scythian Bridges ever seen.

Put.

It back on.

Put it on.

That's where worry comes finally to the
Heather on the Heath.

Would the man go nowhere better for it,
for he has his head upon her lap.

Do they all talk like that in Scotland?

Some are even hard to understand.

Oh, it's going to be weird.

Come on, doll.

We're going to an Italian restaurant and
listen to the accents clash.

Steve, that was one of the most romantic
things I ever heard.

What was?

The way Gary came in and told you the
truth about herself and the way she

thought you were Fergus and the way you
made her take that ring back.

You heard, huh?

Oh, yes.

Well, Steve, you never take that ring back.

Tell me anything.

Look, Barbara, what you heard tonight
stays right in this room, okay?

What, do you think I am, a gossip?

Yes.

Well, I only dispense information to a select few.

But not this time, okay?

Okay.

Katie knows.

No.

Well, she just happened to be listening, too.

Honey, you can't expect two healthy
females to ignore something like this.

No, I guess not.

Oh, boy.

They stand at the stupid bowling alleys
again, and my high score was 119.

Well, what's been going on around here?

Well, not too much, Charley.

That's right.

Fergus took out Terry, that's about it.

Oh, then you guys don't know.

Don't know what?

Oh, now, you guys both know that I'm no gossip, right?

Now, that goes without saying.

Oh, of course, that goes without saying, Charley.

Well, now, listen to this.

I bumped into Fergus and Terry outside,
and he gave her a ring.

He didn't.

He sure did.

That big gold one with the crest on it.

No.

You know, you guys don't keep your eyes open.

That's why you never know anything.

Anyway, she's going to be Lady Douglas,
and he's going to take her back.

Maybe even get married right here in this house.

No.

He finds his back.

Hey.

And so are all his friends, Richie,
Foxy, Ralph, even Arnold, and Al.

So find your couch and sit on it.

Happy days.

Tonight at 6, here on Odyssey.

Odyssey.