12x11 - Polly's Secret Life

[bunniefuu]

Oh, sorry, Katie.

I thought you'd be awake by now.

I am.

I've just been refereeing an early morning brawl.

Come on in.

Well, I've got a teenage problem.

I thought you could help me iron out.

Oh, sure.

Hey, you guys.

I have a great game for you.

Why don't we all go in the closet?

March.

March.

Come on.

Follow me.

In the closet.

And the last one talks wins.

Okay.

Charge.

Oh, look at all the good things in there.

Hey, that's pretty good psychology.

How long do you think it will last?

If we're lucky, about 40 seconds.

You better talk fast.

Well, that's pretty simple.

I'm in love with an older woman.

Hmm.

That is a problem.

How much older is she?

About 11.

Years?

Months.

Oh, a few years is one thing, but I don't
think 11 months is all that much to you.

Well, it was okay when we were still both in high school.

I was a senior B and she was a senior A.

Now I'm a senior A and she's in college.

You can see now there's a gigantic difference.

Well, I've seen a lot of happy people when
the woman's older.

Hey, I don't think anybody won that game.

Hey, come on, let's play snake.

You know what snakes do?

They hiss, they don't yell.

Come on, everybody, come on, start wiggling.

Snakes wiggle and they like to play under beds.

You're some psychologist.

Listen, if I weren't, I'd go completely bananas.

Well, back to my hassle with Jerry Sue.

She's the older woman.

You know, maybe it isn't such a big deal
that she goes to college.

I really don't think so, Ernie.

Yeah, I'm going to go after her.

In fact, I think I'll go hang out at Chip's dormitory.

You mean if Jerry Sue goes to Chip and Polly's school?

Yeah, and they might even have some of the same classes.

Robbie, fix me.

Robbie.

Come here, Robbie.

Fix me, fix me.

Now, why would you bite your brother?

Because I'm a snake.

Charlie, fix me.

Because I'm a snake.

You're a snake.

I thought you were a snake.

Chip.

Hmm?

I wonder why I'm having such a rough time with geology.

Probably because you don't care anything about it.

I only had one other choice.

That was astronomy.

I had to choose rock.

So why didn't you pick stars instead of rock?

I don't know.

That's what I keep asking myself.

I've always liked stars.

I've always liked stars, and I've never
cared at all about rock.

What is this stuff?

Stew.

Stew sandwich?

We didn't have anything else except last night's dinner.

You mean I'm eating a leftover stew sandwich.

Is it really that bad?

It's fine, honey.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

I'm just a little hard to face the fact
that you're the world's worst cook.

Chip Douglas?

Nancy Schindelbauer?

What are you doing here?

I just transferred from Long Beach State.

How have you been, Chip?

Fine.

You still dancing with that ballet company?

Yes, I am.

We're going to tour Mexico this summer.

How's your dad and Uncle Charley and the
rest of your family?

Great.

Oh, by the way, this is my wife, Polly.

Polly, Nancy Schindelbauer.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, I got to get to class, but now that I
know you're around, I'll keep an eye out for you.

Me too.

See you around.

Bye.

Oh, nice meeting you, Molly.

Hi, I'm Polly.

Yeah, nice meeting you too.

Wow, she certainly is an attractive girl.

Yeah, I knew her way back when we first came to California.

You can tell that she's a dancer by the way she walks.

Yeah.

Chip, do you think I walk like a monkey?

Of course you don't walk like a monkey.

I will admit, your walk is a little unique.

Nothing like a monkey.

Thanks.

Polly, do I detect a bit of sensitivity?

Do I detect a bit of sensitivity today?

No.

Why should someone who's flunking rocks and makes
soggy sandwiches and walks like a monkey be sensitive?

Hi, Chip.

Hi.

Hi, Polly.

Chip, there's a chemistry quiz coming up,
and you're so good.

Would you mind tutoring a couple of dummies?

Why not?

I've got to study for it anyway.

Great.

Should we come by your dorm tonight?

Sure.

Make it about 7.30, okay?

Sure.

Hello.

Thanks a lot, Chip.

We'll see you tonight.

Bye, Polly.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

You know, I just noticed something.

What?

It's amazing how you don't know any ugly girls.

The show coming up next here on Odyssey.

Ernie, it's not what's on your face that's
going to land you a girl.

It's what's in your head.

I don't think there's anything wrong.

It's a mustache, Chip.

Yeah, but nine hairs growing out of your
lip doesn't exactly constitute a mustache.

You mean in a brotherly way you're trying
to say I look stupid in a mustache?

No, all I'm saying is I don't think you have enough
hair follicles on your lip to grow more than fuzz.

Thanks a lot.

That must be Donnell and Jennifer.

Hi, you guys.

Hi.

Come on in.

I'll get my book.

Hey.

Donnell and Jennifer, this is my
brother-in-law, Ernie Douglas.

Bye-bye, Ernie.

Hi.

He's thinking about growing a mustache.

Chip?

We'll be downstairs in the study lounge if
you need us, okay?

Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, nice meeting you.

Work hard.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow what?

You mean you let Chip hang around with two girls like that?

Well, he's just helping them out.

He wouldn't mind at all if the situation was reversed.

Yeah, I guess.

Ernie, Ernie, I want you to answer a
question, a clinical question that has

nothing to do with the fact that our
family is all pretty close.

Okay.

Tell me if I walk funny.

Not particularly.

What do you mean not particularly?

Well, what do you mean by funny?

Well, when I was little, my dad always
said that I walked like a monkey.

I used to think he was kidding, but now I'm not so sure.

Oh, you walk okay.

The worst thing I could say about your
walk is that it's unique.

Ernie, you know, you'd make a great diplomat.

Why don't you tell me about your girlfriend?

Well, what do you want to know?

Her name is Jerry Sue Hill.

What does she look like?

Oh, blonde hair, blue eyes, about your
height, just like you, only built better.

Oh, I don't mean built better.

I mean, uh, built different.

Oh.

Well, you know what I mean.

She's sort of, uh, more filled out than you.

Polly, I got my foot caught in my mouth,
and I can't get it out.

That's okay, Ernie.

If someone's built better than I am, you
don't have to be embarrassed saying so.

Yeah, only I didn't mean exactly that.

That's all right.

I mean, I'm afraid we all have to get used to the fact that
there are more attractive people in the world than we are.

It's a fact of life.

Well, it's also a fact of life that you
don't have to put up with a dumb...

dumb brother-in-law who can't think fast
enough to say the right thing.

But you don't have to think fast to say the right thing.

You're a very honest person and you say what you think.

So's Chip.

Yeah, well, you don't walk like a monkey.

And you're a real cool girl.

And I like the way your hair just hangs there
without you having to go to the beauty parlor all the time.

Yeah, and you don't mess around with your eyes so you don't

look all painted up like those
two girls who were just here.

The wow girl?

I, uh... I think I'll go cruise around the campus
and see if I can... The cherry soup or something.

Okay, see you later.

Right, uh...

It was a cool dinner.

So long.

Bye.

Of better intimate care.

They are my favorite earrings.

Well, Barbara, before we start crawling
all over the room on our hands and knees,

why don't we approach this thing intellectually?

I mean, if we cover every move we've made
since we came in here, we'll find them, you'll see.

Now, we came into the room, and you said
how much you liked the lobster cat anise.

I said I loved it.

You said you loved it.

And then I remember seeing you take off your earrings.

Uh-huh.

Well, what did I do with them?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Yet.

Come in.

Hi, you guys.

Hi, Dodie.

Hi, sweetheart.

What have you got in the sack?

A sandwich for Juliette.

She's coming over for lunch tomorrow again.

Tomorrow?

Honey, you shouldn't make a sandwich that far ahead.

It could go bad.

That's okay.

She'll eat anything.

Anything she can chew.

By the way, Ernie says Chip's marriage is blinking.

What does that mean?

He says that Polly snuck out of the house
and Chip didn't even notice it.

And he's not paying any attention to her.

And their whole marriage is wrapped up.

Well, I gotta go.

Yeah, according to Dodie, Ernie says that
they're having trouble.

Do you think that could mean anything?

Coming from Ernie through Dodie, I'd say no.

No, particularly with Ernie being the
biggest conclusion jumper in the whole world.

Now, let's go over this again.

We came into the room.

You said how much you liked the lobster catanese.

I said I loved it.

You said you loved it.

And I said, so did I.

Oh, that's the breakthrough.

You didn't remember the so did I part before.

That's right, I didn't.

Then, then I remember you took off the earrings.

And then everything's a blank, right?

Right.

No.

No.

You took off the earrings, and you put
them on the bed right there by your purse.

Well, that's right.

Why aren't the earrings there now?

Because, knowing that if you left them on
the bed, you would lose them, I very

cleverly took them off the bed and put
them here in my shirt pocket.

You see how the whole thing worked out?

Now you get a free punch in the stomach.

A free punch in the stomach?

That's what we used to say when we were kids.

You don't have to do it.

That is.

Oh, honey, do you think there is anything
to this Chip and Polly thing?

I mean, that they are having trouble?

I mean, Ernie doesn't say things like that
for just no reason.

Well, this particular grapevine has too many flaws in it.

I'd say forget the whole thing.

I guess you're right.

I mean, I really can't picture Polly sneaking out.

I can't either.

But, Dad, she's never lied to me before.

Well, Chip, are you sure she's lying?

Well, I went to her class to give her some notes, and one
of her girlfriends told me she hadn't been there all day.

Polly told me she left early.

What else has she done?

Well, a couple times she's acted very
suspicious on the phone.

And then there's those things Ernie keeps noticing.

Those things Ernie keeps noticing?

Yeah.

You know Ernie.

Everything's psychiatric with him.

Well, he says the general impression he gets is
that Polly's acting like a woman with something to hide.

And, uh, you agree with Ernie?

At first I didn't.

But now I don't know.

Well, Chip, maybe I'm basically an optimist, but I'm
sure there's a logical explanation to Polly's behavior.

Yeah.

And if I ever get a hold of that logical
explanation, I don't know what I'll do to him.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi.

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, sweetheart.

Too bad you're late, Steve.

You missed a terrific meatloaf.

There was some left over for you,
only tr*mp jumped up and ate it.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Steve.

But look at it this way.

At least the dog is eating good.

Well, that's some consolation.

But I'll get something later.

Charlie, is Ernie home?

No, he's out waiting around the campus
trying to bump into that girl,

that Ginny Sue, or whatever her name is.

When he comes home, will you send him up to my room?

I'd like to have a talk with him.

Sure.

Did Dad look mad to you, Uncle Charley?

Well, something is wrong.

I can tell by the way he bends his eyebrows.

Yeah, well, all that Ernie's really gonna
get wiped out when he gets home.

I get to watch the Penny Puppet Show
tonight, huh, Uncle Charley?

Mm-hmm.

Well, only for about ten minutes.

Tomorrow's a school day.

Charlie, is it true that tr*mp ate the meatloaf?

Yeah.

He's just like Juliet Morris and he'll eat anything.

What kind of a crack is that?

You should have insisted that Steve eat something.

He's had a long day.

What insist?

When them eyebrows go up, the conversation is over.

Uncle Charley, what is wrong with Dad?

He hardly said hello when he came through here.

We don't know, but me and Uncle Charley
think Ernie's gonna get shot down.

Keep the sound low, honey.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Man, I'm beginning to wonder if Jerry Sue
transferred to another school or something.

No luck, huh?

Nothing.

Daddy wants you for something, Ernie.

What for?

Well, whatever it is, he ain't kidding.

He's up in his room.

What did Ernie do?

Oh, he's got a big mouth, and he's been using it too much.

It's about Chip and Polly getting a wrecked wedding.

Not a wrecked wedding.

A wrecked marriage.

Well, whatever it is, it's wrecked.

Huh?

Dad, I'm trying to save their marriage, not ruin it.

Ernie, you know how I feel about gossip.

But this wasn't gossip, Dad.

Honest.

I saw their lifestyle, and the vibes were all weird.

Vibes?

Vibrations.

I tried to tell Uncle Charley, but he wouldn't listen.

So I decided to cool it for a while.

You told Uncle Charley in front of Dodie.

Dodie told your mother, and your mother told me.

Now, this is gossip of the worst kind, Ernie.

All presumption and no facts.

Dad, Chip coaches a bunch of girls.

Ernie, I really don't want to hear about it.

You know, what you've done is created
suspicion in your brother's mind so that

now he suspects his wife of who knows what.

Don't you realize how serious this is?

Well, sure, that's what I've been trying to tell everybody.

Well, telling everybody is exactly what
you had no business doing.

Ernie, there are rights involved here.

Private rights.

They belong to Polly and Chip, not you.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Well, yeah, but why should she sneak out?

Well, personally, I doubt it.

But even if she were sneaking out,
Ernie, it's still none of your business.

Not even scientifically?

Especially not scientifically.

Yeah, well, uh, before you close me out, Dad, let me at
least tell you about some guy named Andre that she calls.

Yeah, I wish I could figure out a reason
why she's sneaking out.

Why she's doing these things.

I, I like her, too.

May I help?

Polly?

May I come in?

Hey, you guys, look at Polly!

Polly!

What do you mean, Polly?

That, that don't look like our Polly.

It is our Polly.

Well, what do you think?

About what?

Well, I've been going to charm school.

Chip doesn't know about it yet.

What do you think?

I think you look striking.

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

Uncle Charley.

Dodie, go tell your mom to come see Polly.

Okay.

I'm so nervous.

I feel like I look like a nut.

Yeah, well, I... Uncle Charley.

I'm gonna go get Dad.

Boy, will he fall apart.

She's been going to charm school.

Yeah, she ought to get her money back.

Charlie.

Sonny.

Why did you decide to make yourself over like this?

Is it bad?

I mean, down at the charm school,
they said that I was the one that made the

biggest change from the way she used to be.

Well, they're certainly right about that.

Uh, hello?

Oh, Chip.

Well, no, no.

No, there's no need to be frightened.

She's right here.

Do you want me to put her...

All right.

Uh-huh.

Bye.

Well, he's, uh, he's been worried,
so he's coming right over.

Dodie tells me, uh...

Is this our Polly?

Hey, Polly, do the walk for him.

Good.

Boy.

Ain't that something?

It certainly is.

Uh, Polly's been going to charm school,
and, uh, this is what happened.

What?

Andre said that I was the quickest to learn.

Andre?

It's his school.

I've been sort of sneaking over there so
Chip wouldn't know.

He can't say I walk like a monkey now, can he?

No, he cannot.

I've been taking Chip so long to get here.

Well, I do know one thing.

We can't just all wait around here like a
reception committee.

Dodie, come on, sweetheart.

It's your bedtime.

Man, Mama, I want to see Chip Groke when he sees Polly.

Come on, I'll take you up to dinner.

I'll talk to you later.

Ernie, uh, maybe you'd better go on up, too.

You must have some homework or something, huh?

Yeah, I'll find something.

As a matter of fact, Charlie, I think it'd be better
if there weren't any audience at all, don't you?

I want to see him broke, too.

Come on, Charlie.

Well.

We'll be upstairs, Polly, if you want us.

Dad, Barbara, please don't leave.

Suddenly I feel awfully stupid.

Oh, well, Polly, uh, I got a flat on the way over.

Man.

Oh, walk for him, Polly.

She did it for you, Chip.

She's been sort of, uh, sneaking off to a charm school.

Polly, you look fantastic.

Dress and plow your hair.

You like it?

Yeah.

You can't go around just like that at the campus.

Maybe when we go out to a dance once in a while.

Oh, Chip.

He's.

Back!

And so are all his friends, Richie,
Foxy, Ralph, even Arnold, and Al.

So find your couch and sit on it.

Happy Days, tonight at 6, here on Odyssey.