12x18 - Bad Day for Steve

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Welcome to our show.

Steve, Ernie's got the whole family on the chart.

Well, what harm will that do?

Well, it's one of them school projects of his.

Steve, when that kid gets hold of a
project, he worries it like a bone.

Well, we can't discourage his enthusiasm, Charley.

What's the project this time?

I don't know.

Something dumb about the moon.

What does the moon have to do with it?

Well, all through history, there's been this
thing about the moon and how it affects people.

You don't believe all that about
werewolves and everything, do you?

Of course not.

But that old thing about where there's
smoke and all that got me to thinking.

Why not test it out?

Fine.

How do you test out something as nebulous
as the effect of the moon on people?

Well, the moon is full starting tomorrow.

And I got the whole family on this chart.

Now, I'll check every bad luck thing that
comes up for everybody on this chart and

summarize the whole bit at the end of 48 hours.

Why 48 hours?

Well, because the ancients thought the full
moon had its effect for only 48 hours or so.

Now, here you are and the triplets.

Do you believe the moon can really affect people?

Well, I have an open mind on anything scientific.

That's where we get words like lunacy and lunatic.

Luna is the Latin word for moon.

Yes, I'm aware that lunar is the source of those
words, Ernie, but the words themselves are ancient.

Well, sure.

So what, Dad?

Well, sir, you're asking us to believe
what people believed back in the Middle.

Ages, and that's, uh, that's not too
scientific, do you think?

No, Dad.

You see, where you went off the road is
when you say you're asking us to believe.

I'm not asking anybody to believe anything.

I'm just trying to find out.

Well, how?

I'll go along with that.

Oh, cool.

I'll need a lot of cooperation from everybody, okay, Dad?

Oh, that's fine with me.

Of course, there, uh, there is one person on
that chart you may have a little problem with.

You know something, Alice?

You're a real cuckoo.

Man, Uncle Charlie, you're the only one
who doesn't want to cooperate.

That's because I'm the only one around
here that's got any brains.

All you have to do is let me check with you
every once in a while for the next 48 hours.

Check with you about what?

Any bad luck.

You might have.

The tiniest rotten fortune, and I put it down on the chart.

When is this bad luck supposed to start?

Midnight tonight.

If there's any bad luck at all.

Well, you're wrong.

It started already.

You already had bad luck?

Yeah.

A guy with a clipboard walked up to me and
asked me a lot of dumb questions.

Poor Ernie.

Yeah.

Oh.

I could have sworn you had that gray suit on at breakfast.

I did.

Then I saw this big spot on the lapel.

I slobbered something on it.

My other gray suit's at the cleaner, so now I have to
change my socks because I had the wrong colored socks on.

Oh.

Well, maybe the full moon's starting to work on you.

Yeah, maybe.

Seriously, honey.

Ernie's got the whole household frightened
about this moon thing.

The whole house?

Well, half the house.

I mean, Dodie's afraid to go to school,
and Charlie is secretly scared.

That's why he blusters so.

Well, Barbara, we can't stop Ernie from conducting his
little experiment just because we know there's nothing to it.

No, I know.

Enthusiasm is hard to find these days, but I
just wanted you to know about Charlie and Dodie.

I mean, whether you realize it or not, you
are a very calming influence in this house.

Those socks don't match.

What?

Those socks don't match.

Oh, for...

That's pretty close.

Well, close isn't enough.

I've got all these meetings today.

For some reason or other, men notice socks.

What are you building?

Checking your column since midnight last night.

Well, what's midnight last got to do with anything?

The moon went to fall.

So?

So now we're under the influence of Luna.

You, me, everybody.

Big deal.

Let me know when the witches take off for sailing.

And for no apparent reason, the milk, dropped.

Well, somebody painted the door and forgot
to put a wet paint sign on it.

That's how it happened.

Well, I'll check on it.

Mr. Douglas?

The sign wasn't there when I came in.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Now, is there any turpentine around here?

It's open water.

Ought to do it.

It's still fresh.

I don't think so.

It's oil paint.

Uh, lighter fluid will do it.

And the sign wasn't there when I came in.

Janet, that, uh, light over my drawing
board's gone out again.

Would you call and get one up here right away?

Thanks.

Who?

Oh, send him in.

Hi, Bob.

Steve?

Steve, I'm going to ask you to do me a favor.

What kind of a favor?

I'm going to ask you to talk at the
contractor's dinner tomorrow.

Tomorrow night.

Oh, now, Bob, you know how... I know
speaking is not your cup of tea, but I need you.

What would I have to talk about?

Well, let them know that this isn't a big,
octopus-like organization.

Tell them what you and I both know to be true, that we
work as people, not as robots punched out of a computer.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Well, Johnny, would you tell him I'm busy right now?

Okay, put him on.

My boy called him from school.

Ernie, you all right?

Yeah, Dad, I'm between periods,
so can you make it kind of fast?

Make what kind of fast?

Well, about whether you had any lunar
things happen to you today.

Did you?

Ernie, I'm busy at the moment.

Now, look, I'll talk to you when I get home tonight.

Yes, I'll try to remember everything that happened.

Goodbye.

Sorry, Bob, I thought it was an emergency.

No problem.

You'll make the speech?

Well, if you can't find anybody better, I guess I'm stuck.

Good.

Oh, and throw in a couple of jokes,
you know, to kind of loosen them up.

Jokes?

Yeah, it don't have to be much.

Anything amusing.

Oh, sorry.

Excuse me.

How are you?

Here's the box, Mr. Douglas.

Well, that was fast.

Would you believe it?

That's the last one maintenance has for
that particular type of land.

Well, that sounds like our maintenance department.

Janet, I have to make a speech tomorrow night.

I thought they broke you into that.

I mean, uh, they need somebody with a little stature.

Oh, thanks, Janet.

Do you know any jokes?

Not the kind men like to hear at those meetings.

Well, you know, any amusing anecdote would... Oh, dear.

Yes, sir.

It looks like this just isn't your day.

No.

Charley.

Hey, look, before you say anything, tell me one thing.

Where's Gloomy Gus?

Ernie's getting some data from Katie.

Charley, I have to make a speech tomorrow
night, and I need a couple of jokes.

Well, you came to the right guy.

You know, they don't have to be too, uh...

Well, if you had one that had something to
do with computers, it'd be just great.

Computers?

Oh, sure.

There was this guy who says, I never worry.

I pay a guy $20 a day to work.

He says, don't worry for me.

The other guy says, where do you get the $20 to pay him?

The guy says, that's the first thing he's
got to worry about.

What does that have to do with computers?

Nothing.

Well, I don't think I could work that one in, Charley.

Well, just tell the joke and never mind
about working it in.

Do you have any other ideas?

Oh, sure.

This guy was sick and he said, my temperature's up to 101.

The other guy says, when it gets to 103, sell.

Boy, you're k*lling me.

Well, uh, thanks very much, Charley.

You're welcome.

Anytime.

Well, Katie only had a couple of things go wrong.

No more than normal.

Dodie the same.

And you not even one bad deal.

Uncle Charley dropped the milk and
flattened the cake, but that's about it.

Look at Dad's record for today.

Here.

Uh, honey, uh, that's it, and, uh, you can say goodnight.

Man, Mama, I want to hear about poor Daddy.

Well, there is no poor Daddy.

He's downstairs, and he's just fine.

Now, uh, you go to bed and say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, poor Daddy.

Goodnight, goodnight.

Why, uh, poor Daddy?

Well, you seem to be the only one getting
the bad lunar vibrations, Dad.

Oh.

Are you sure you told me everything?

Yes, I told you everything, Ernie.

Well, listen to what you went through.

Slobbered on coat.

Uh, maybe you'd better change that to got spot on coat.

That's a little softer, I think.

Got spot on coat.

Goofed up socks.

Forgot keys.

Stuck hand in paint.

Has to make speech.

Light bulb burns out.

Breaks replacement light bulb.

Man, Dad, you must be getting the moon rays direct.

Well, see you later.

Yeah, Ernie.

Oh, Barbara, that's a big thing.

You worried about it?

Yeah.

Well, I'm supposed to get some jokes,
you know, and I can't think of anything

humorous about computerization or
contracting or the plant or aircraft.

Nothing.

That's not a very hilarious subject.

I know.

What about this?

I used this at a parents' meeting when I
was teaching full-time, and they laughed.

I mean, you know, sort of.

I said, speaking of children, why is it,
I wonder, that no matter how awful they

are during the day, that they look like children?

They look like little angels when they're asleep.

Well, I mean, that isn't exactly a joke, but it's a truism.

I mean, sometimes people laugh at things they recognize.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

You know, there was kind of a funny thing
that happened in Anderson's department.

This young engineer spent weeks working on
a pressure system on hydraulic feedbacks.

Well, what he forgot was that we farm out
our hydraulic systems to a subcontractor.

But, I mean, he did all that work for nothing.

Oh.

I don't think that's something Jack Benny would use.

But, I mean, if they laugh at things like
that, I'd write it in.

Well, no, now that I've said it,
it doesn't sound very funny.

You know, this sounds so stupid for a 20th
century woman to say that I'm almost

afraid to say it, but do you think that there might
be something to this moon business of Ernie's?

No, of course not.

Barbara, tell me, does this sound too stuffy?

Gentlemen of the aircraft and related
industries, I've been asked to bring you a

personal view of what is supposed to be an
impersonal business.

Go on.

Well, that's all I have so far, except
for seven pages of scratched out notes.

Oh, well, that's very good.

That's good for what you have.

Have you?

I was thinking, with thousands of years of
people who went ahead of us, I mean,

literally billions of people who believed
certain things, I mean, why is it in the

last few years that we discount everything they believed?

Well, we should discount them because they were wrong.

Now, Barbara, if you excuse me,
I really have to work on this speech.

I mean, I... Barbara.

Some joker forgot to turn off the sprinklers.

What are you going to do with the wrench, Charlie?

Turn them off.

Why don't you use that long turn-off thing?

Well, some joker hid that somewhere.

Who turned the sprinklers off?

Who turned the sprinklers out in the first place?

I did.

Charlie, I remember once
before some joker hid that turn-off

thing, and you used a wrench,
and you broke the valve right off.

I didn't use a wrench.

I kicked it.

Well, you don't mind if I...

No.

Good luck to you.

You know, there was this elevator full of
fat ladies, and there was some kind of a

lodge where they reduce, you know,
and they had me in an elevator jammed in

the back, and they were going up to the


I had to ride all the way up with them.

Oh!

Uh-oh.

Steve, are you all right?

No, I'm not.

Huh?

What's happened?

I think I broke my toe.

Oh, you kicked it.

Welcome to the club.

No, I didn't kick it.

I fell over one of the boys' tricycles,
and I went right into the sprinklers.

Did you turn them off?

Yes, I turned them off, Charlie.

Well, thanks.

You're very welcome.

I think it's all the fuss.

I fell into the sprinklers, and I think I broke my toe.

That's what all the fuss is.

Dad, you're halfway through the lunar impact.



Not now, Ernie.

Come on, sweetheart.

Just stop.



Man.

Honey, laryngitis attacks the vocal cords.

Your daddy's fine except for that.

Oh, I forgot about your toe.

How is it?

What's this about laryngitis, Dad?

Ernie, you're fine.

Your father can't talk, not even a little bit.

Oh, man, Dad, the moon's really lowering the boom on you.

What time did it hit?

When he woke up this morning.

Honey, I talked to Mr. Anderson, and he
said he'd get Mr. Cosgrove to make the speech.

And he really did believe me when I told
him you had laryngitis.

Talk for Ernie, Dad.

That's enough, Donnie.

You too, Ernie.

The doctor says your father shouldn't
talk, at least for another day or two.

Come on, you guys.

Leave your dad alone.

You know, I didn't really believe it.

I didn't believe this lunar stuff,
but now I'm beginning to wonder.

Ernie, come on, let's go.

Donnie, you just stay right there.

Shh, just be quiet.

Now, stop.

I feel fine.

I don't want to stay in bed.

You're not going to go down to the plant.

I mean, you can't talk, so why bother?

I've got a lot of things I can do down there without...
Steve, Mr. Anderson believes that you have laryngitis.

Now, you don't have to... You don't
have to go down there and prove anything.

I know.

I just... Have you got any more groceries?

All right, all right.

If you feel that peppy, there's some real
heavy ones in there.

And be careful, because there's eggs in one
of them and some jams and jellies in another.

And would you lock the car?

Just press the button.

I've got the keys in my purse.

You know, I really... I really
don't believe this lunar business,

but I will somehow be so glad
when the next few hours are over.

Me too.

Oh, it's so silly, but... Oh, what else?

What else could happen to poor Dad?

It's.

Funny how close we are to being primitive.

I am actually apprehensive, and I know better.

I've been feeling the same.

Hey, you guys, you better hurry up.

Stevie just bumped Charley on the head
with the alarm clock.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Would you go in the house and tell them I'm stuck out here?

What?

Ernie, we appreciate you trying to help,
but next time, be more sure of your facts.

I was.

He bumped him on the head, only Charley didn't cry.

Can I go out and play?

All right, for a little bit.

Go ahead.

What are you doing, Daddy?

What are you doing with your tie stuck in the door?

You're not supposed to talk.

You're not supposed to talk.

You want me to go tell Mommy you got your
tie stuck in the door?

There's a tie caught in the door.

Oh, Dodie, honey, please.

You want me to tell him you're not coming?

Why don't you do that?

Mama says I goof my back, then she won't come.

You don't suppose.

You don't suppose.

Oh, no.

Oh, here, honey.

Well, it's with Anne.

There.

Here, Dad, let me do it.

I'll get you out here.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

Are you all right?

Oh, there.

Oh, honey, come on.

Come on, let's hear it.

I'll take the bag.

Come on, leave it.

Leave it, darling.

Let's get you inside, away from the moon.

Oh, honey.

You don't quite make it, Dan.

I don't.

No, I don't think so.

Well, I'd give you a full 48 hours and
lots of things happen to you.

Well, I'd put that tie-in-the-door business down to, uh...

Stupidity.

No.

But the moon couldn't have done it.

Why not?

Well, because I got last year's almanac.

Well, nobody thought to look, but there
wasn't any full moon last night or the night before.

There wasn't?

No.

So I decided I'm going to write a paper on human
gullibility and how we condition ourselves to junk.

We'll see you guys.

Yeah.

You've got to admit, we were all a little
bit leery about that moon.

Oh, well, not that it means anything,
but the full moon starts tonight.

Oh, well, that's a good thing.

We'll see you guys tomorrow.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.