03x25 - Up Loser's Creek

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...

Is murr breaking bad?

Hello.

Hello. Do you have meth?

Narrator: Will q take the

bull by the horns?

He's finished.

Narrator: And which joker

will be sleeping with the fishes

in tonight's punishment?

Whoa!

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

Thanks for calling.

Today we're working at the

professional coin gallery

teaming up to give some tips to

telemarketers.

But it won't be easy because

our telemarketing presentations

have been prepared by the other

team.

At the end of the

presentation, we'll ask the

employees to raise their hand if

they learned anything of value.

Whoever gets the fewest hands

raised loses.

Operators are standing by.

I wish I could hang up on him

in real life.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, everyone.

We are here to teach you some

tips and tricks on how to

improve your telemarketing

skills.

So, this is a coin and

collection company, right?

Okay.

All right, boys, here we go.

Time to present on telemarketing

skills.

Okay.

So, here are some k*ller opening

lines that we suggest when

you're calling a new customer.

"Are you ready to take control

of your future?"

You're asking a question,

engaging them.

"If I told you I could make

you a millionaire in a year,

what would you say?"

Soft-sell them a little bit, get

them excited.

Mm-hmm.

"Open wide. We're gonna d..."

"open wide.

We're gonna d.P. You with

profits."

"Definitely provide" you with

profits.

Ah!

Nice.

Okay.

"I'm calling from inside your

house."

Get their attention.

That's right.

Okay.

Subjects to avoid...

Subjects you would never bring

up on the phone while

telemarketing.

Of course, crips.

Don't bring up g*ng warfare.

Oh.

A lot of people make that

mistake.

And you don't want the crips to

find out that you've been

talking about them, either.

So that's even worse.

There used to be three of us.

Politics and religion.

That's right below crips as

almost as bad.

Okay.

Methamphetamines.

You'll know when you have a

meth head on the phone.

They won't shut up.

Call Murray, who's a meth

addict.

Right. Yeah, okay.

For instance, let's just... I'll

pretend to dial you.

Okay.

Hello.

Hello. Do you have meth?

You want to change the topic

'cause if I engage him in meth

talk, we'd be here all day

talking about meth.

Okay.

Tips and tricks.

"Give the illusion that the

office is super busy."

I call somebody, I put them on

hold immediately.

Now they' waiting for me.

Right.

Okay, now let's role-play.

We'll use some of our

techniques.

So, what we're going to do is

we're going to call a real

client.

And let's see.

Hello.

This is James from

professional coin galleries.

Please hold.

Did you hang up on him?

Oh.

I did.

I hung up on him.

Idiot.

There you go.

That wasn't good.

By show of hands, how many of

you think that you've learned

something of value here today?

Oh, wow. Five out of five.

Five out of five.

Everyone there thinks they

saw a real class.

We just closed the deal.

What's up, guys? How are you?

Hey, everybody.

How are you doing?

All right, the super-casual

crew is here.

We've been asked to come here

to give you some tips as

professional telemarketers.

So, there's some tips that we'll

take you through here.

Follow these four rules.

Keep pushing.

You're gonna hit obstacles up

front at the top of the call.

"Oh, I got to go."

Just keep pushing through.

Uh-oh.

Oh. Uh, there's an error.

"System error.

Reset the powerpoint."

Oh. All right.

Well, that worked out.

I've never seen that error

before.

Me neither.

Here's our résumé.

So, I'm sal.

Some of the things that I bring

to the table here...

uh-oh.

Oh, no.

Look at sal.

Look at sal.

Uh...

This is not part of my résumé.

This is just...

"Ways to keep the customer

engaged."

The first thing that people

do when they realize that they

don't know you is they want to

get off the phone.

It's the very first thing they

do.

How do we keep them engaged?

Uh-oh.

Oh, god.

We have some technical

difficulties.

The audio sound bite attached

to the error is just so odd.

It's the new o.S.

"It's the new o.S."

Okay, so, here we go.

Subjects to avoid.

This is huge.

First things first... you

don't want to bring yourself

into it, right?

This call is about them.

This call is about what they

need.

Okay, the economy.

Especially in the economic

landscape we find ourselves in

now.

Here we go, here we go, here

we go, here we go.

And then fupas.

"Frequently undervalued...

Personal assets."

Yeah.

You don't want to be talking

about them.

That's what fupas...

I thought it was something else.

Because people don't know

basically what their portfolio

should be valued at, if that

fupa's inflated.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's play phone-call roulette.

Sal.

Oh, my god.

We left you the number of

somebody to call.

Use the speakerphone there.

Okay, we have a lead on a

Bernard.

Hello.

Hello, Bernard.

My name is sal.

I'm calling from

professional coin galleries.

Okay.

Do I have something that's

gonna interest you.

What do you have to interest

him, bud?

This week only I have a very

hot, uh... Coin.

And I have a great deal on it.

No, I'm not interested.

Thank you.

Joe, get in there, bud.

Help him out.

Hey, Bernard.

Joe's here.

Uh...

But wait. There's more, bud.

Let me ask you something, Bern.

When you wake up in the morning,

do you feel like a winner?

No.

We can turn that around with

a championship coin from the

national baseball hall of fame.

You know who gets those coins,

Bern...

Winners.

Bern?

I think we...

Yeah, we lost him.

So, that didn't work.

Okay, so, this is it.

This is how you close. Joe.

Here we go. Great.

I sold everyone in that room

something that night.

I sold a good time.

Okay, so...

Uh-oh.

I'm just gonna close the

whole thing so it doesn't pop up

anymore.

By show of hands... please

raise your hand if you feel that

you actually learned something

or can take away something from

today's presentation.

Oh, I got to see this.

Okay, so, one.

Oh!

Uh-oh.

Narrator: Joe and sal

couldn't seal the deal, so

they're hanging up on the loser

board.

This is a wishing well.

It's for wishin'.

And we're about to tell

people what we've been wishing

for.

Unfortunately, our crazy

wishes have been given to us by

the other guys.

If you can't tell people what

you wished for, you lose.

h*!

I wish he would stop that.

Murr, how many chances would

it take for you to spear one of

these fish?

These are mall fish.

They're not normal ocean fish.

I could spear one of these.

Let me tell you what I wished

for, okay?

"I wish I could have lunch

with my grandfather just one

more time..."

I wish that I could have

lunch with my grandfather just

one more time...

Aww.

"to tell him how much I

hate him."

to tell him how much I

hate him.

Where are you going?

What was your wish?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Make it good.

I'll wish with you.

You know what I wished for?

"That the gerbil would just

come out already."

I wish...

I wish for world peace.

Aw!

Yeah, that's all I wished

for, just that.

Joe, if you had one wish, what

would it be?

Three new best friends.

Nice.

You know what I wished for?

"I wished that my girlfriend

doesn't find out about Dalton."

I...

I wished that my girlfriend

doesn't find out about Dalton.

The pictures I'd have to

explain.

Mm.

How about you, bud?

What did you wish for?

That my new job is gonna be

good.

Dalton's gonna have a great

job later.

All right, man.

Finish your walk.

Take care.

There you go.

Oh, nice.

Know what I wished for?

"I wished that the police

don't find the hammer."

I wished that the police

don't find the hammer.

'Cause then I'm done.

I'm looking down the barrel of 8

to 10.

Is that an alarm?

I think they found the

hammer.

You know what I wished for?

"I wish I had less Booty and

more badonkadonk."

I wish I had less...

I wish I had less Booty and more

badonkadonk.

"Can I get some of that

badonkadonk?"

Can I get some of that...

Just making wishes.

You know what I wished for?

"A new racecar bed."

A new racecar bed.

"Also, cocaine."

Yeah.

And also... and also, cocaine.

And the racecar bed, though.

But mostly the cocaine.

What was your wish?

Hey!

Okay, we'll hug next time.

Cool.

Good luck.

What do you think she didn't

agree with, the cocaine or the

racecar bed?

What did you guys wish for?

I wished for a better job.

Okay.

You know what I wished for?

I'll tell you what I wished for.

"I wished that I could meet

you..."

I wished that I could meet

you.

"so that I could destroy

you."

So that I could...

Destroy you.

What happened?

What did you say?

I wished that I could meet

you.

Okay. What else?

Oh, god.

Nice to meet you guys.

Oh!

Have a great day.

You too.

You guys are k*lling me.

Narrator: Murr and sal's luck

dried up, leaving them on the

loser board.

We're here at the boardwalk

at seaside heights offering to

analyze other people's dreams.

The entire time we'll have to

do and say what the other guys

tell us.

If you think that's easy,

keep dreaming.

The goal is to get a tip.

If you do not get a tip, you

lose.

Wake up. Wake up.

Ah. I had the weirdest dream.

About what?

It was a joker versus joker

challenge.

Ah!

Have your dreams analyzed,

bud?

Try it out. Sit down.

Here we go.

Did you ever buy one of those

little dream books?

I kept a dream journal

growing up.

Do you still have it?

Not that we would use it for

anything.

I'm just gonna ask you a

couple basic questions so I can

get an idea.

Do you know if you dream in

color or in black in white or

both?

You do?

Yeah.

"Has the color pink been in

any dream?"

Has the color pink ever been

in a dream?

Do you remember just by chance

it could've been?

"Oh"

man.

Ah...

How often do you think you dream

a week, even if you don't

remember it?

"Oh"

it's all good. It's all good.

I'm just gathering information.

"In any of your dreams, have

you seen a bird?"

Have you ever seen a bird in

your dreams at all?"

All: "Oh"

holy

hoo!

Sal, pick up that dream

catcher.

Hold the dream catcher up to his

mouth.

Catch his dream.

Just go ahead and tell me

your recurring dream... this is

a dream catcher... if you can be

as specific as what you

remember.

I'm just catching.

Get it right up to his mouth.

Okay, just leave it there,

sal.

Okay.

Now put it on your face, sal,

and take his dream in.

Suck it in.

Sal, put the dream catcher

right on your head.

And when was the first time

you remember?

All: "Oh"

oh

"that whole dream was about

me."

That whole dream...

Was about me.

So, that's it.

No way are you getting a tip.

It's completely free.

There are no strings attached.

We accept tips.

You don't have to give them.

No!

You're not a tip catcher.

Here we go.

Hello, guys.

Free dream analysis.

All right.

Ah. What's your name?

Brian.

Brian?

Hey, my name's Brian, too.

A couple of Brians.

Come on in.

All right.

Tell me about a specific dream

you've had.

Um...

A dolphin?

"How long have you been bi?"

How long have you been bi?

W-What?

"By"... you know, like by

land, by sea.

I'd be on the land, and...

Yeah, yeah.

"Have you ever k*lled anyone

in a dream?"

Have you ever k*lled anyone

in a dream?

No.

"Oh, I have."

I have.

"I mean, not people."

Not people.

"Dogs."

Dogs.

Oh, my god.

That's terrible.

"Have you ever had any wet

nightmares?"

Do you have any wet

nightmares?

What?

No?

Q, look next to you.

You see those animals?

Make the elephant and the bull

hump.

Right. So, um...

Keep it going.

All right. He's finished.

Brian, you know, this is totally

free.

The only thing is we do accept

tips.

Uh-uh.

Oh, Brian!

Oh!

I'll get that in for you,

buddy.

Touché, touché.

Narrator: Sal's worst

nightmare has come true.

He's tonight's big loser.

Ahoy, mateys!

Sal's the big loser, so we're

taking it to the high seas for

his punishment.

Sal, you're a tour guide on

harbor line cruises.

You just got to go out there and

spit some facts about

New York City.

Well, the facts that we've

written that we consider facts

on these cards.

I'm not saying the first one.

Yeah, you are.

Anchors aweigh.

We're in this boat.

That's sal's boat.

He's giving a tour right there.

Check, check.

Can you guys hear me?

How's everybody doing today?

Let the facts begin.

Holy

so, I'll start off by

introducing myself.

My name is sal vulcano.

I'm new with harbor lines.

Okay, bud, read the card.

Friendly reminder before we

start, guys... I work on tips.

So don't be a...

Don't be a what?

Don't be a what?

A boat full of, uh...

Cheap

we're headed uptown, and this is

in the direction of the Bronx.

Behind you, you see the

verrazano-narrows bridge.

That connects Brooklyn and

staten island.

Of course, staten island is also

home of the wu-tang clan.

Dr. Paul DeLuca as well, who...

Who did my, uh...

Who did your what, buddy?

What did he do?

Dr. Paul DeLuca from

staten island did my, uh,

hair-transplant surgery.

I have fake hair.

So, the Hudson river... it's the

river we're on, obviously.

It's been ranked the 33rd most

polluted body of water in all of

the United States.

It would suck if we had to be

in the water for any reason.

Yeah.

What's the next card say?

What's the next card say?

Thank you so much.

Enjoy the rest of your tour.

I'll meet you back on the shore.

I'm gonna kayak back to shore.

Of course I am.

Why did I think I would just be

giving a tour?

Next card.

Yeah, to be clear, I'll be

taking a kayak back to shore

right now.

Next card.

Smell ya later, suckas!

It's time to kayak, baby.

Get your swimmies on, b*tch!

In that gross New York water!

Holy

you thought you were gonna

give a tour?

That was the punishment, really?

This is bull

get in!

Stroke, stroke, stroke.

Looking good, buddy!

Looking good!

Where am I supposed to go?

That way!

Wait. You're not really

pulling away, are you?

Yes.

Oh, that, man.

What happens if a boat comes

charging at me?

Aah! Aah! What? What?

What's in the water?

What's in the water?

Wait.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I got to get away from the

eels, man!

You're just going in circles.

I just saw a eel.

I'm telling you.

The most important thing is

to not panic and to have fun.

Shut up!

Sewage everywhere!

You're part Cuban, right?

Yeah.

So this is kind of like how

your ancestors got to america

anyway.

It's in your blood.

Aah!

Whoa!

What's the matter?

You're out of energy?

Come on, you're almost there.

You're almost there, buddy.

Man overboard!

Get on the boat!

And that's how you sink a

loser, gentlemen.