12x02 - Call of the Wild

[bunniefuu]

Whoo!

Aah!

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's good guy?!

Today we are working at
the one and only dutch cleaners.

While helping
customers out,

We've got to do
and say what we're told.

And if you refuse,
we lose your clothes,

And we charge you anyway.

Please come again.

Hi, q.

How often would
you say you shed your wardrobe?

I don't do anything
with my wardrobe anymore.

I used to.

Like, all
your clothes are all old?

We've settled
into this routine

Where melissa just
buys clothes.

Like, this is a nice thing,
but it costs about $6.

It's the brand coofandy.

It's like one of those chinese
bulk discount things.

So all my clothes now are
coofandy, and they're so cheap.

Why is that so funny?

I don't know coofandy.

Why is that so funny?

It's coofandy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What is coofandy?

Nothing.

It's a chinese company
that makes discount clothes.

Why do you buy it?

Melissa only buys
me coofandy.

Why do you buy coofandy?

I don't buy them.
A box arrives of all coofandy.

All my clothes are
now coofandy.

From head to toe,
I'm coofandy.

In a box.

Literally
an unmarked box.

It just says "coofandy."

Three different
coofandy products arrive,

And the whole cost is like $80
for a box of clothes.

And that's all
she does now.

God bless her.

This doesn't look cheap,
does it?

No. You could have told me
that was whatever.

Yeah. It's coofandy.

How are you doing, sir?

All right. Brian.
Good, good.

How are you doing?
What can I help you with?

Oh. The drapes.
The drapes were yours.

Q, take $20 out
of your pocket,

Give it to him and say,

"shh, shh, okay, it's okay,
it's okay."

We're good, we're good.
Thanks.

Protection services, right?

Protection, right?
Protection.

This isn't --

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.
That's okay.

When you said you came in
for the drapes,

I thought you meant
"the drapes."

We pay a guy.

Because once a week,
a guy comes in.

I got to give him the drapes.

Can we send in mike cast?

Two, nine.

Sal: He's intimidating.

Four, eight.

Q, here's the guy that actually
shakes you down every week.

Oh. Hey, bud. Uh...

Hey, mike cast, the drapes.

The drapes.

Q, there's cash there.

It's a little light
this week.

It's a little
light this week.

Mike cass,
break his fingers.

Oh!

Oh!

Ow!

And I, uh,
I had one pair of slacks.

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

What were the last four digits
of your phone number?

Uh, 7, 826.

Murr: Uh-oh, q.
His clothes aren't ready.

Then, mike,
break another finger.

Can you come
back tomorrow

And we'll help you
with that tomorrow?

Because what's
going on is...

Aaaah!

I'll be back tomorrow
for my pleated pants.

All right.
I'll see you tomorrow.

What was the last four
of you number again?

Um, 2948.

Ah!

And if we give
the drapes a spiritual cleanse,

What religion?

And if we give
the drapes a spiritual cleanse,

Which religion
are we looking at?

Sal: You ready?

And of course,
with the senior discount,

Your total will be...

And of course,
with the senior...

Yeah. That's good.
That's all right.

Uh, and how do we
just cash him out on that one?

Got you, buddy.

All right, sal.

See the blue shirt
to your right there?

Yeah.

When someone comes in, I want
you to just be playing with it.

Just be playing
with the buttons like you're...

Murr: Fussing with it.

And then when they come in,

You're gonna rip the buttons
off, buddy.

All right, sal,
fuss with that shirt.

It's just frustrating
when they don't tell us

If they want to pressed
the dry cleaned.

It gets me angry.

Uh-oh.

Whatever.

Alright, sal.

I have two items
that have, uh,

Where I sprinkled
some blood on it.

And what is
this, sir?

It's blood.
It's blood. Okay.

Sal's got blood.

He's got live, active blood
in front of him right now.

Oh, what is that?
That's a yellow -- egg.

What the
happened?

What kind of knife
did you have?

Blood, egg.

Okay. Got it.

You know, sal, we can do a
filipino dry suck on the blood.

You know, we --
do you know that

We have a -- we have
a special solvent.

We can do a filipino
dry suck on these.

yeah. There you go.

Sal, stress to him that the
cops will find no dna at all.

And we're gonna get
these out.

There's no evidence,
no cops, no nothing like that.

No, this is
a cut yesterday.

Oh, a cut.

Oh, yeah,
yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.

No, no.
Hey, hey, you got cut yesterday.

It's all right.

It was a cut.
Nothing happened.

Toss his clothes
over your shoulder.

We'll do that.

Can I help you, sir?

Alright, sal.
Yes.

Phone number.
I'm picking up.

Please.
Uh, one second.

Oh, sal, we did find
an entire doughnut in your suit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, well, there it is.
Okay, I have a note on here.

Yeah, in one of your suits,
we found a full doughnut.

A what?

There was a full doughnut
in one of your suits.

It's my son's suit.

Oh, well...

It's bizarre.

Do you want we should
dispose the doughnut?

Yes.

Yeah, ask him
if he wants the doughnut.

He doesn't want it.

I just...If you want to put him
on speaker, I could ask him.

Did you have a doughnut
in your suit?

No.

Hello? Hello.

Man:What are
you talking about?

There was a full boston cream
in the inside jacket.

That is just
not true.

So it's okay
if I have it, then?

I can definitely take care
of that doughnut.

I'll eat it.

I can have the doughnut?

Yeah. Yeah.
You can have it.

It's all yours.

And then it was
a dry clean and a laundered.

Never hand it to him, buddy.

Okay. And then --

There you go.

We haven't seen my
wife's mother in, like...

It's a dance.
It's a dance.

The doughnut.

And she's all yours.

And so this is
everything, right?

Now walk away.

Or I can give it
to you over here.

And that's it.

Yes, ma'am.
Okay.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Have a great day.

Thank you for that
boston cream.

Here we go. Coming in.
Two women.

She parked terribly.

Murr, murr, somewhere under
there is a huge plate of wings.

Get that out right now
and just start eating them.

Get your hands
all messed up in them.

Are they parked?

That's what he said. He goes,
"they parked really badly."

I told you
they parked terribly.

You know what?
You know what?

Take the whole plate of wings,
walk out the door,

Knock on the car,
let her roll down, and just go,

"you parked real bad."

Yeah. That's it.
Real casual.

Size it up.

You parked real bad.

With the bone
in his hand.

You parked real bad.

Yeah. Back it up.

It's real bad, lady.
Cut the wheel.

No, no. Okay. No.
You went through the other spot.

No. You have to go --
all right, all right.

You're okay?

Is she trying to park,
or is she trying to leave?

I don't know what
she's doing, man.

Now she's horizontal.

Hi.

How are you today?
Good.

Murr, there was a negative
yelp review left yesterday.

You have it on your phone
right now.

I texted it to you.

Maybe read it to her
out loud and see

If she's the one
who left it.

I have to ask,
does this sound familiar to you?

There was a review left on yelp,
and it said, um,

"middle aged bald worker
behind the counter

Tried to sell me
counterfeit designer bags

When I dropped off
my clothes.

They were about as fake as those
chicklet veneers in his..."

It gets worse.

"I knew because the dye
on the bags stained his fingers.

When I pointed this
out to him,

He immediately started
sucking on his fingers

In a vain attempt
to get the dye out,

And claimed it was
just chicken juice

From his big
chicken lunch.

The whole interaction
gave me the ick."

Is that you, val?

No, it's not me.

I want
to make it right

If it was you
that posted it.

Did that even happen?

Yes, it did. It was you.
It was you.

It was not me!

You're asking me, grilling me
about it now, val.

You understand, I had a big
chicken lunch that day.

I do not
look at yelp.

I had a big
chicken lunch.

That was chicken juice.
That's why it ran.

They're gucci.

Come back! Val!

Val, it was a big chicken lunch.

What happened?

Murr: Val, it was a big
chicken lunch!

What's up?

What happened?

Oh, no. We're good.

Oh. Did you write
this review?

Yeah. Here's what
happened.

So someone left
a bad yelp review for the store.

I'm asking everybody to see
who posted the yelp review.

It's clearly about me,
and the bags,

They're real.

I just had a big
chicken lunch.

Let me just say this.
Let me interrupt you.

I don't give a sh*t
about a yelp review.

I don't write yelp reviews.

I'm born and raised
in harlem, man.

And when we come from, you know,
we don't write yelp reviews.

We yelp you right
in your face.

Yeah,
I agree with you.

I got a question
for you.

Have you ever heard of
the television show

"impractical jokers"?

Yes, I have.

I'm on it.
And so are you right now.

It's all a joke. I'm murr from
"impractical jokers."

I'm murr
from "impractical jokers".

It's just a joke,
buddy.

Narrator: Q's dirty laundry
has been aired out,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today we're back
at the american dream mall,

Posing as casting directors
for a gritty crime drama.

You know, like
"law & order"?

Yeah, and we're trying
to cast real people

To play a small role
in the show.

The catch is,
the role is so stupid

That you'd have to be a real
stupid idiot to agree to it,

But that's hollywood.

If you can't cast
anybody, you lose.

All right. Cut.
That's it. Check the gate.

That's lunch. That's lunch.
That's lunch.

Let's go. Move it!

That's hollywood.

All right,
there he is.

Murr: Joining you is kate,
one of our producers.

She's going to be your
fellow casting director.

Looking for someone to be
on "lauren order."

"law & order"
from wolf d*ck.

You're gonna help me
close the deal.

I'm the muscle.

Yes.

Excuse me.

Oh, here we go.

Do you know the television
show "law & order"?

Yeah.

Well, we're filming on
the third floor, a scene today.

A lot of times,
we cast real people,

And we need an extra
to play a small role

For about 10 minutes.

It'll pay $150.

If you have any interest at all,
I can tell you what the role is.

What's the role?

Yeah, the role is...

We need you to strangle
a small child behind a claire's.

We need...

So all we need you to do
is strangle a small child

Behind the claire's.

Strangle is like...

Yeah, like choke
the kid.

Yeah. No problem.
I can do that.

Yeah, yeah.

We got another role.
Hold on.

I have another one.
So you could pick.

You could strangle a child
behind a claire's or...

Powerbomb a child.

...You could
powerbomb a child...

Through a wetzel's pretzel
counter.

Through a wetzel's pretzels
sheet glass counter.

What is a powerbomb?

A powerbomb is like -- okay,
so a powerbomb would be like

I take her legs

And I put her legs
over my shoulders like this.

So I'm holding her here
so her legs are on my shoulders.

So I lift her up,

And I slam her right
through the wetzel's pretzels.

I can do both.

He can do both.
You want to do both?

You would do both?

That's no problem.

Okay, so you'll strangle
a child behind the claire's

And then powerbomb another child
out of wetzel's pretzels

Right through
the sheet glass.

Yeah, no problem. How much is
this paying, you said?

$150.

All right.

For both, or for
if I do one?

Well, you can do both.

Make him pick.

For $150.

You can pick one.

I pick...

You want to
strangle the kid?

Okay.
Yeah, we'll do it.

So just come with me
up to the third floor.




No problem.

He was fine
with either one,

But he'll choose
to strangle the kid.

This is a new season.

It's "law & order:
Children only."

Murr: Hey, hubert.

Yeah.

Let's run over here.

Hey, do you guys know
this tv show "law & order"?

Yeah.

We're sh**ting it
right upstairs.

And we need
some extras for the backgrounds.

It's 10 minutes
worth of work.

It's 100 bucks.

You guys have any interest
in just being

A background extra
for 10 minutes?

I can tell you what
it's about.

Let me tell you
what it's about.

Guys, so what --
they're in a hurry, guys.

So I just need to know.

We have two different roles.

We have two
different roles. Oh, perfect.

One for a guy.

One for a guy.

Okay, so he played --
you play a maintenance man.

You play
a maintenance man.

Who's getting roasted
like a pig over a spit.

Okay, so you'd be
the victim.

You'd get roasted like a pig
on a on a spit.

Sal: Yeah, and in your mouth
would be a lightbulb.

And then in your mouth
would be a light bulb.

Wait.
And then the girl part is...

What's the other one?

We need a b*tch
to throw rocks at an orphan.

Oh, we need we need a b*tch
to throw rocks at an orphan.

How do you feel about throwing
rocks at an orphan?

Probably not today.

Not today.
Okay, so, no.

That's going to be
a no on "law & order."

He didn't even let
me get it out.

Sal: I wanted to follow up
with things

For you to say,
but they just...

They're not staying.

Would you be a b*tch
that throws rocks

At an orphan tomorrow?

No go, buddy.
That's a no go.

This guy here.

Oh. All right.

Hey, guys,

Have you ever heard of
the tv show "law & order"?

Yes.

We're filming it
on the third floor,

And we're looking for
a couple of background extras.

And you actually fit one
of the parts, sir.

It pays 200 bucks
for 10 minutes of work

To be in the background
of a shot.

My name is james.
This is kate.

We're two of the producers
of the show.

It's "law & order".
You've seen it before.

Wolf d*ck.

Um, let me tell you
about the role.

Hey, guys, the gentleman here,
the cream shirt.

Yeah, he'll be
in the background,

And he'll be jostling a bunch of
elderly ladies until one of

Them kicks him in
the nice and friendlies.

Murr: Let me tell you
about the role.

Hey, guys, the gentleman here
with the cream shirt.

Yeah, he'll be
in the background,

And he'll be jostling
a bunch of elderly ladies

Until one of them kicks him
in the nice and friendlies.

We need you to be
in the background,

Jostling a bunch of
elderly ladies until one of them

Gets pissed and kicks you
in the nice and friendlies.

Mnh-mnh,
you can't do that.

He can't be
seen doing that.

It's acting.

Kate: It's acting.

As long as you don't
really do it.

I mean, you know...

Well, it's got to
play real.

You know, if you'll do it,
it's very real.

Okay.

Is this "law & order:
Special victims"?

Sal: No, this isn't that one.

Rvu. Regular victims.

It's regular victims.

It's "law & order: Rvu."

Rvu.

We do have another role,
if you're interested, ma'am.

And then there is another role
if you want.

The role they're
looking for is...

We need a stand in

To play a corpse
at the bottom of a porta potty.

They do need
another person.

What is it?
Yes.

The other part is they need
a person to play a corpse

At the bottom of
a porta potty.

Who gets discovered...

Who gets discovered...

And this is cute.

And this is cute.

A jogger gets the run.

A jogger gets the runs.

So they need a person
to play a corpse at the bottom

Of a porta potty
that gets discovered

When a jogger
gets the runs.

Why is that funny?

He gets kicked in
the nice and friendlies.

You get discovered
by a jogger with the runs.

Look, you get kicked
in the nice and friendlies.

You get discovered by a jogger
with the runs.

Are we doing this?

You gonna pass?

Oh, my...Alright.

Guys, they said no.

Noble effort, my friend.

Narrator: Murr and q
couldn't fill the role.

So q is tonight's big loser.

All right, baby.
Q, you lost.

And dang, we were
supposed to film

Your punishment
at the zoo, but,

Oh, the zoo fell through.

Yeah, the dang zoo
fell through.

But we have all this
animal related material

That can't go to waste.

So instead, you're
going to be a ticket taker

Saying those same
exact zoo related lines

To concert goers here
for the big big train show

At the williams center.

You've got to say
every line

We give you to every animal
that passes by.

Did I say animal?
Yeah.

I meant concert goer.

Because the zoo
fell through.

Fell through, buddy.
It fell through.

It does that.
You see what happened here?

This is how you dress
when you go to the zoo?

He looks like he's on safari.

All right,
let me go do this.

All right, q, you know that your
your right pocket is stuffed

With dozens and dozens
and dozens of lines

That you would normally
overhear at a zoo.

And it's a little bit of a zoo
slash concert goer roulette.

At any point,
did either of you stop to

Talk about how stupid
this is?

I'm sorry. What do you mean?
We're making do.

The zoo fell through.

There never was a zoo.

If there was no zoo
to begin with,

How could it be that I literally
have a chimpanzee with me

Back here as we speak?

That's just murray.
And he didn't get waxed.

Here we go.

No.

No!
Come on, come on.

You got to do it.
Oh, no.

Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.

Hey, guys.
How are you?

Hey. Good. How are you?

All right, they're going to scan
your tickets over there.

I'm just going to give you the,
uh, these things.

Sal: You have something
to say to cole?

Fascinating.

With proper diet, this jackass
could live another 15 years.

Fascinating stuff.
Thank you very much.

Hey. No problem.
Enjoy the show.

Murr: You see why we couldn't
waste the zoo creative, right?

Just so many great...
Factoids.

Factoids.

I'm going to get punched.

Hey, guys! Hello? Yes!

Here we go. Here we go.

How are you guys doing?

Good, good.
Yourself?

Fascinating.

They pair off in same sex groups

When there are
no females present.

Okay.

All right, guys.

All right, there's plenty of
females in there.

You know what I'm saying?

The species will live on.

I can't.

Go, go.
Say it, say it.

Murr: Say it.

Hey, hey!

Say it, brian.
Say it, brian.

Okay, well, if we don't get
these two to mate, they're kind

Might be doomed.

Oh, it gets weirder.
It gets weirder.

They're gonna scare
you right in there.

Great.

Thank you.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Oh, god.

Please be a dude
that walks through the door.

So we want it
to be a woman.

We want it to be a woman.
That's my takeaway.

Oh, no.

I'm seeing a lot
of women's shoes out that door.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
No, no.

Here we go.

Yes!
Yes!

Oh, god.

Please be a dude
that walks through the door.

So we want it to
be a woman.

We want it to be a woman.
That's my takeaway.

Oh, no.

I'm seeing a lot of women's
shoes out that door.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. No, no.

Murr: Here we go.

Yes!

Oh, now that's a gorilla.

Who's a gorilla, cole?

Which one's a gorilla?

Well, she walked in first.

Go enjoy the show,
your party animals.

It's harder than I would have
thought it would be.

We aren't gonna stop
until there's

No lines left
in your pocket, buddy.

We're gonna do 500 lines.

Here we go.

This is just my life
for the next hour.

Okay.

Oh, he's all puffed up.

Now, it makes him look big,
but he's not.

This one looks like it's
been hit by a boat propeller.

Hello. Okay, now
this one is past breeding age.

Well, my wife is.

Okay, now the weight gain
is hormonal,

And so is the snapping.

Best give her some space.

Oh, no no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

He'll mount other males
just to show his dominance.

Hey, buddy, too bad your
punishment is not over.

oh, no.

Okay.
How's it going?

Good. I'm worried
with all the security.

Oh, no.
You're good, you're good.

So this female is dominating
the male, you see?

Yeah. So you're going to scan
your ticket right over there.

Wait, who's
the dominant one?

So, who's
the dominant one?

This female is dominating
the male.

Is that an offer?

No.
Oh! Oh!

Enjoy the show.
Thanks, man.

All right.

Sal: What a weird
interaction.

All right.
How are you doing?

I just have to put
on you this, though,

So you can grab yourself a beer.

Okay, great.

We got a little surprise
for q.

Now, those humps are
primarily for storing fat.

What was that?

What did you just say?

What humps?

We've been missing it.
Spit take for every one

From now on, please.

Okay, great. Well, this one just
gave birth, so...

Get a load of that beak.

Oh, this one's in heat.

I mean,
I'm covered in his saliva.

Wow.

Murr: Well done, q.

What are we doing
at this point in our lives?