12x04 - Customer Disservice

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Hi, I'm joseph fatone,

And we're here
at the contra studios conducting

A very serious fake documentary.

"that's right.

And we'll be the ones
getting interviewed

Along with another
complete stranger."

Which won't be easy because
we'll be forcing each other

To give ridiculous answers
to every question.

All we've got to do
is get through the interview

Without laughing.

And whoever laughs
the most loses.

I'm done with this sh*t.

Murr: Guys, you know our dear
friend, joey fatone.

Maybe you know him from,
of course,

Nsync,
from broadway, from tv.

Sal: Joe, this is your
first time back on the show

Since we punished you.

Can we just get one more
round of applause for this man

For what we did to him?

-Yeah. Oh, yes.
-I mean...

Thank you.

What's the song?

Here you go, q.
This lovely lady,

We just pulled her
off the street.

She was walking by and said,

"come on in for a '90s
nostalgia interview."

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm kind of not dressed
for tv, but all right.

All right, here we go.

What are the three things
you had in childhood

That aren't around today?

Poochie.

Okay.
You remember magic sand?

Yes.
Sea monkeys.

I don't see a lot
of sea monkeys anymore around.

Here's the next question.

If your life flashed
before your eyes,

Who are the three people
you would see?

You can go first
on that one.

Murr: "oh, well.
Dad in his suit."

Uh, all right,
dad in his suit.

"mom wearing pearls."

My mom wearing pearls.

"and joe chill
with a smoking g*n."

And, uh, joe chill
with a smoking g*n. Yeah.

Who's joe -- joe chill?

He was --
he was hanging around

The monarch theatre
and shot batman's parents.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Uh, here's another one.

Who was your first crush?

"joe chill."
"joe chill."

There you go.
There's one.

Kevin hess.

Gotcha. All right.
Who was your first crush?

Joe chill.

Murr: "his smoking hot g*n."

Smoking hot g*n.

Again, you know,
dc comics is fantastic.

marvel's better.

What's that?
Marvel's better than dc?

Ooh. She doesn't know
who she's talking to.

Iron man is the jam.

Well, he was
a c-list character

Until they made that movie,
yeah.

I just -- also, superman could
beat up iron man pretty easily.

-Yeah. I think he can.
-Possibly.

-I mean, with the suit.

All right,
let's do the next question.

What's something you
enjoyed doing with your parent

When you were a kid?

"oh, squirrel launches
at the quarry."

Ooh. Squirrel launches
at the quarry.

They were fine.
Oh, they were -- okay.

Yeah. I wouldn't want to do
anything to hurt the squirrels.

Murr: "but I'll launch them."

But I'll launch them.

God, he's stone cold.

All right,
here's the next question.

Close your eyes and describe
your childhood bedroom.

"cold, dark cave."

Woman:
Lots of toys. More books.

"I hung upside-down."

I got the single bed.

Nice.

Cold. Dark.

I'm hanging upside-down.

He's batman.

Butler brings in --
that's a laugh.

What do you do on Saturday
mornings growing up?

Murr: "I eat some
cinnamon toast crunch."

So, like, I'd eat
cinnamon toast crunch.

"watch 'ninja turtles.'"

I'd watch "ninja turtles."

"and then go blast
the old hag on the block

With a super soaker."

And then I'd just go
blast the old hag up the block

With a super soaker, man,
you know?

Okay.

Murr: "you know, one of the
biggest regrets in my life..."

One of the biggest regrets
of my life...

"...Is that we never
got to launch

The old hag over the quarry."

...Is that we never
got to launch

The old hag
over the quarry.

"not even iron man
can save me now."

But thens superman
would fly in and save her

Because
he can do that.

What do you mean? Are you --
do you live near a quarry?

Here we go.

Joey: So first question is,

Is what was your
favorite holiday gift

You received as a child?

It's actually a laptop.
Yeah.

I need you guys to
take a look at this.

Oh, wow.

And kind of tell me
what goes through your mind

When you see something --
is it nostalgic?

Do you remember anything
from trains?

Anything from
your childhood?

"I always fantasized..."

I always fantasized...

"...About being a tunnel."

...About being,
like, a tunnel.

"like, laying down, the tracks
go in my mouth."

Laying down, the tracks
go in my mouth.

"and then they come out
my backside."

And then they come out
the -- the back side, right?

"and I'm a tunnel."

And I'm -- I'm the tunnel.

Choo-choo, choo-choo.

"I just always wanted them
to run a train into my mouth."

I just --

Sal: Okay.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

So I'm reacting.
I shouldn't react.

I shouldn't react.

What would 16-year-old you
be surprised to learn about now?

"I would say
that sister marie was right."

I would say
that sister marie is right.

"doing that too often
will make your hair fall out."

Doing that too often
will make your hair fall out.

Not blind?
I thought it was go blind.

Joey: Yeah, I thought
it was blind.

Well,
I am wearing glasses too.

You know.

Take a look.
Tell me what goes through

Your mind
when you see this.

Any flashbacks
of anything?

Nice. Retro.

That's actually from the time
that it should be.

I want you to look at her
through the --

"smile.
You're stuck in my basement."

Smile.
You're stuck in my basement.

Right?
You're not going anywhere.

You're stuck
in my basement.

You know what?
Serial K*llers.

Yeah.
It's like these are

The trope of the '80s
horror movies, right?

You know what?
You're right.

Like, you know, you're there in
the basement, emaciated.

There's the basket.
There's the lotion.

You've got to put that on
or you get the hose again.

Okay.

You know, I tuck my genitals
back, polaroid, the pictures,

You know,
the doorbell rings.

Clarice starling's there.
Yeah.

She's looking for
jame gumb.

You know, "she's a big fat
lady," you know.

"precious --
get the hose again."

Joey: How you doing?

Murr: All right,
let's jump into it.

Last time
we played this game,

We had a pipe dripping
on sal's shoulder.

Yes.
Annoying him.

That was very good work
that you did, man.

We'll see
what happens today.

What are the three things
you had in your childhood

That aren't around today?

Ooh.
Okay.

Lucy,
lightly hit him.

Well, I would say, like --
oh, I had the ewok village.

Joey: Okay.
Remember that? Ewok village
for the "star wars" characters.

I have a mirror --
lucy with a mirror

Reflecting a spotlight
right in his eyeballs.

He's going to be so annoyed
after a minute.

Watch.

So I'm going to
hand you this.

What are you feeling?
What does it say?

Do you remember this?

Have you seen anything
like this?

Definitely I think was
just a little bit before me.

The first one I got of these,

It didn't even have
the tape cassette.

"I bet backstreet sold
a lot of these, right, jerry?"

Um...

Murr: Look at fatone.
Put your paper down, fatone.

We got fatone.

I know these were
popular back then, though.

Really popular -- like,
if you got one --

I bet backstreet sold -- helped
sell a lot of these, jerry.

They probably did.

Look at him.

Yeah. Good job holding it
together, sal.

Are there any games you
played as a child that you miss?

Lucy, hit him.

Definitely I have nostalgic
memories of playing,

Like "roller coaster tycoon"
and, like --

I don't even, like --

Were there any games

You played as a child
that you miss?

"every day was a game
of life or death growing up."

Every day was a game
of life or death growing up.

"growing up a quarter latino,
white presenting."

Growing up a quarter latino,
white presenting.

Okay. All right.

What would


To learn about you now?

Murr: "that I have
an amazing wife..."

I have an amazing wife.

"...Who's a female boss."

She's a female boss.

"...Has dsls,
and is a great mom."

She has, uh -- she has dsls
and she's a great mom.

Dsls.

So does she have
good internet hookups?

Is that what you're saying?

"google it, jerry.
It's lips."

Joey: So does she have
good internet hookups?

Is that what you're saying?

"google it, jerry.
It's lips."

I would google it,
jerry.

It means lips.

That's a laugh.
Hit him, hit him, hit him.

I didn't --
I was trying to be --

I never said those words
out loud, but I -- what?

Sorry. I'm flustered.

Can you just hit him
right in the eye?

Man:
I mean, I feel like I could go,

Like,
a few different ways with it.

He's laughing.
He's laughing.

Joey mcintyre is married.

You know,
like, that was the --

So even today, like --

Sal, you're just one
big laugh at this point.

Is there an issue
with lighting in here or...?

Narrator: Looks like
sal got blindsided.

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today we're at the olly olly
market having an over-the-top

Emotional conversation
on our cellphones

In front of another customer.

After we hang up,
we'll be given the reason

Why we're so upset.

The goal is to get
the person next to you

To agree
that you did not overreact.

If they say you overreacted,
you lose.

Zoh, what?

The key here
is to get really riled up.

I got something for you

That's really deserving
of the anger

That you're about
to really put out in the world.

All right,
I'm getting into the head space.

Murr, talk a little more.

Hey, sal, just want
to check in and say hi, buddy.

I don't know if you want to --
want to hang out

Maybe this weekend?

Here we go.

I'm gonna get --
I'm gonna get my food.

I'm just going to leave
because I can't take -- I --

I can't deal with this.

Not in public.

I'm going to give him
a positive

And we'll see
how he turns it into a negative.

Because it's hard
for me to process right now

In a general sense,
let alone in public.

She's in, she's in.

Oh, the tears,
the tears.

I'll talk to you
about it later then.

We'll finish it later.

I just -- goodbye.
I'll talk later.

Yeah. It...

"turns out I'm more
puerto rican than I thought."

Turns out I'm more puerto rican
than I thought.

And...

It's a lot to take in.

Because I'm finding out

That I'm something different
than I thought.

A quarter.
Yeah.

"I'm a third
puerto rican."

I thought my grandfather was
cuban, but he's, uh --

He's half cuban,
half puerto rican.

So now --

-You're cuban?
-Yeah.

I'm less cuban now
than I thought

And more puerto rican.

I just --
I thought I was 25%.

Now it turns out I'm 33%.

When I applied
for student loans,

I could have checked that box.
That could have been helpful.

Yeah.

She just called you old,
bro.

"puerto rico."

Puerto rico.

No, like the consulate.

You think
I overreacted?

Should I just
tranquilo, papí?

b

Here he goes.
Ring, ring, mother

Oh, geez.
Who's calling me now?

Hello? Yeah.

Are you serious right now?

It's fun to watch
the acting going on.

I'm at the --
I'm at the -- the food --

The food court.

Olly olly market.
Olly olly.

I said I was going to
olly olly!

I'm at olly olly.
Why do you have to call me?

I said I was coming here

And you're calling me
with this again?

I can't even believe what
you're saying to me right now.

You drive me wild.
Are you dead serious?

You swear on your mother's life?

He's looking,
he's looking.

I can't believe this.

Okay, bye.

"turns out the saxophone
is a woodwind."

Turns out -- turns out
the saxophone is a woodwind.

I didn't even know that.
I can't believe it.

I didn't know it was a woodwind.
I thought it was brass.

I'm losing my mind here, man.

"I teach music."

I teach music.

I just found out I've been
teaching it wrong for years now.

I'm losing my mind, man.

Years. Did I overreact?

Did I?

He's leaning you did.

That's crazy.

You knew it was a woodwind?

How are you so calm?

Me too.

Murr,
you're just a crazy person

That everybody's hoping
walks away.
Yeah.

chill.

Just when things upset me,
I don't get chill.

chill.

Hey. What's up, sally?
What's going on, sals?

It sounds weird.
He looked.

He's already looking.

What do you mean?
No, no, that's not true.

That's not true.

What, are you out
of your mind?

That's not true.
That's not happening.

Do not -- do -- do not say
that sh*t to me.

No, no, no, no, no.

If you're not serious about it,
then don't say it.

All right, he's listening.
He's definitely listening.

'cause if you piece of
sh*t -- 'cause if you --

If you're kidding
about this,

It's going to be the end
of everything.

Tell me before you
even answer the question

That you know I'm being
serious right now.

Wow.
He's really worked up.

Your mother.
You

Okay?

Yeah, that's the end
of that

Don't ever
do that again.

Mother
god damn it!

Look at him. Look at him!
Look at him!

"I gotta be up
at 9:30 tomorrow morning."

Sal: "I gotta be up
at 9:30 tomorrow morning."

I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry.

I gotta be up
at 9:30 tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry about that, brother.

I'm sorry.
I'm just not --

I'm not a morning person,
you know what I'm saying?

I usually, like, get up around
the crack of noon.

And this -- this
piece of garbage...

He doesn't have to be out
at 9:30.

He has to be up at 930.

I gotta be up at 9:30.

It's early, right?

-Excuse you?
-Yeah.

You get up at what time?

What the does the world
look like at 7:00 a.M.?

Yeah, nothing good.
That's my point.

They say nothing good
happens before 10:00 a.M.

"that was my grandmother."

And now my grandmother's
calling me,

Telling me I gotta
to be up at 9:30?

You don't think I overreacted,
do you?

Yeah.

All right, well,
let me call her back.

I should probably apologize
for telling my grandmother

To go herself.

Narrator: All the guys flipped
their lids for nothing,

Making sal tonight's big loser.

All right, sal,
you've lost,

So today you're working
as a manager here at foodtown.

Oh, and congratulations,
buddy.

You just got
a big promotion.

You're in charge
of customer service

At the self-checkout lane.

But since
this is a punishment,

You'll be doing the customers
a disservice because today,

The customer is always wrong.

All right, buddy.

Yeah, that's the wall of
certified scumbags.

Sal: I guess these are people
that have been banned.

Correct. Correct.
Murr: Yeah.

I bet you
you're going to ban a few more

By the end of the day.

Yeah. See all those thumbtacks
there, buddy?

You're gonna be
using some.

So, buddy, the personality we
want you to have today is like,

You know the guy
that's always --

He walks into a situation
in a tizzy already?

He's already worked up,
always annoyed.

You want me to be myself?

There's something wrong.

-Oh, what happened?
-Uh-oh.

-Oh, boy.
-Let's see. "assistance needed.

Please wait.
Checking item weight."

What the hell
do you need that for?

"I knew this would happen.

I see you scanning and your
whole approach wassciangato."

Yeah.

You went over
the weight limit.

I kind of thought it
might happen

Because I saw you scanning
from over there.

Your whole approach
withsciangato.

"I'm like, 'duh, duh.'

And you're like, 'duh, duh.'"

Look at us, 'cause I'm like,
"duh, duh, duh, duh,"

And then you're like,
"dah, dah, dah, dah."

We wrote something
really long.

I'm just going to read it,
okay?

"you can digitize
a physical coupon."

Okay. Well, you know,
just so you know,

You can digitize
a physical coupon.

"but you can't use a digital
coupon physically..."

But you can't use
a digital coupon physically.

Murr and sal:
...If the e-mail attached to
your membership rewards account

Has not been electronically
verified.

"...At least 45 hours
in advance..."
...At least 48 hours in advance.

Murr and sal:
...Of making a purchase that
meets the minimum requirement

Priced at $2 per pound
or higher...

...Of 5 pounds
per qualifying item...

...Which the mandatory
bottle deposit has been applied.

Got it.

"I've been sal,"
and then moonwalk away.

I -- I've been sal,
the store assistant manager.

Murr: Keep going right down
right down an aisle.

Right down an aisle.
There he goes.

What is that?
She's tired.

She doesn't know
what just happened.

Sal, help this lady.

Hey, how are you doing?

Please wait for assistance.

Says verify my bag.

"attendant
will verify your bags."

Where's your bag?

"I guess I'm the attendant."

Okay.
I guess I'm the attendant.

Please scan your first item.

"first day on earth,
hon?"

"I'm using my own bag."

Yes, this is my bag.

Okay.
First day on earth, hon?

Murr: Oh!

It's the machine.

No, I know.

Where is the thing?
Like, usually there's like...

"what are you
looking for now?"

What are you
looking for now?

Are you being helpful
or you're being sarcastic?

"ma'am, you are clearly
high on bath salts."

Murr:
It is a punishment, bud.

Sal:
What are you looking for now?

Are you being helpful
or you're being sarcastic?

Ohh.

"ma'am, you are clearly
high on bath salts.

Murr:
It is a punishment, bud.

Ma'am.
Yes. I'm listening.

You're clearly high
on bath salts.

Excuse me?
What's that?

What did you say?

What are you getting?
Nectarines?

Usually?

Unexpected item
in bagging area.

"so me and the robot
are wrong. Gotcha."

So what we're saying is
myself

And the robot
are incorrect.

You're fine.

Yes.
Okay.

Unexpected item
in bagging area.

Oh!

Please wait.

Okay.
Sal, yeah,
this guy wants you to be --

I want you to really become
friends with him

And then end it all with just
stamping banned on his receipt.

Take the polaroid
over with you too.

$3.79.

-You all set?
-Yep.

Oh, can I just see that
one second?

-I just got to stamp.
-Yeah, sure.

Thank you.
Here we go, buddy.

Is this is like a new policy?
What's that?

-Take his picture.
-The stamp, is that new?

The snap is new,
yeah.

oh, they banned you, yeah.

Put it right
up on the wall.

Yeah, I got to put it
up on the wall here.

Oh, the scumbag wall.
Oh! Yes!

"that's me."

Yes. Sal.
Sal?

Yeah.
Just take a step back.

Yes, yes.
Look at the billboard.

It looks like you're
a certified scumbag.

This -- this is not here.
This is --

Sal,
clearly don't destroy it.

I'm gonna shred it.

Okay.

Sal, take another photo
of him.

I -- the hostil--

It's a lot of hostility,
so I just --

Hand him that photo
and take another one.

The second picture
that you just took.

All right.
Sorry, sir.

I need at least one photo.

You know, this guy
at the self-service counter

Right there, buddy,

Does that guy have
more than 20 items?

Count everything
out loud.

He's definitely
over the limit.

Six.

$5.09.

Seven.

11 cents savings.








Start getting real, like,
upset now.



This is so intimidating.



Sal, hit number 20
and on 21, just go, "uh-oh."

Uh-oh. That's 21.

And I'm not even
counting that.

This is 22,
and I can't even weigh it now.

Because --
you confiscated it orally.

Yeah.

"I like you. I don't want to
see you on the wall."

I like you. I don't want
to see you on the wall.

Okay.
Okay.

I just don't know what
to do about the banana.

That was in the cart
when I got it.

Oh, it was just
a banana peel in the cart?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sal, go pin the banana peel
to the wall of scumbags.

So if I were
to check the security footage,

I wouldn't see you
hoofing down this banana.

Correct.

Sal, go behind the counter
and fake walk down steps.

I'll --
I'll have a quick check,

And I'll be back
in a couple of seconds.
Okay.

"on the behalf of foodtown,
I'd like to apologize."

Yeah? Find anything good?

On behalf of foodtown,
I'd like to apologize.

Oh, my god,
it's so funny.

Oh, my god.

You're good.
Thank you.

That's it, bud.
You're done.