12x16 - Me, My Selfie and Eye

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today we're in an office,

Peacefully working alongside
some newly hired temps.

Peacefully, that is,

Until the office bully comes in
to belittle us.

After being bullied,
we'll tell our new coworker

That we have the plan
for the perfect revenge.

Unfortunately, our vengeance
is going to be super lame

'cause it's being given to us
by the other guys.

The goal is to get
the pl-- blah.

The goal is
to get the...

The goal is to get your --
ah.

Just -- just -- just --
just read it. Just read it.

The goal is to get
the temp worker to admit

That your plan for payback
is perfect.

If they think it's lame,
you lose.

Alliteration
is getting me.

That's what it was,
alliteration.

-Uh, this is edward.
-Hi, edward.

Hi.
How you doing?

What are we doing?
What's happening?

-oh, yeah.

Oh, she's all business,
I love it.

This is just -- we're going to
be moving on to something,

But for now, uh,
straightforward.

How are your --
how are your typing skills?

I mean, I'm not --
I'm not a great typist,

But I think I can do
what you need done here.

Okay, well, we'll see.
Okay, so let's start
with the first name.

She is all bus--
she's great.

Okay, first one I'm going to do
is cortney arena.

And then...
-E-mail?

Yes, it's "c" arena --

Okay, we're going to need
to get this

Into a better rhythm.

Murr:

Alright, well,
send in the bully.

-Oh, here we go.
-None other than dan cast.

Uh-oh, sal.

- look at dan.
-What's up, buddy?

He looks like a shark.

Uh, and that number
is going to be a 3-1-5.

-Uh-oh.
-Soon as we get the donors --

They don't have to go off-site
to another link

To make the donations.

She is honed in.

What's that? What?
I can do it another way
if you want.

Oh, I wasn't even listening.
Sorry.

What is the, uh --
what's this shirt here?

Where'd you get that shirt,
divorcedvirgins.Com?

-Okay.

Just meander out, dan.

Sal: Did you want me to do that,
or...?

Murr: Shush him
on the way out.

Shh.

Yeah, you divorced virgin.

He's a supervisor.

He's an as*h*le.

Whatever, I don't know.

He gets me so frustrated.

I've been dealing with that
for so long.

I feel like
I should say something

'cause you really shouldn't
treat people like that

In the workplace,
you know?

So what's our third name?

Let's --
-oh, yeah.

She wants nothing
to do with you.

What's the third name?
What are they doing?

Let me tell you this,
'cause I've been, like,

Thinking about this
for a while.

It's been stewing
a little bit.

"a personal friend..."

A personal friend
of mine --

I think we should work.

Sorry,
but let's get the list done.

Is she billing you, too?

Well, this is what
I want to do.
A friend of mine...

"...Is on the board
of admissions

Of ohio truck
maintenance college."

...Uh, is on
the board of admissions

Of ohio truck
maintenance college.

You know?
-Yeah, so? And?

"I've written a letter

Expressedlynot recommending
dan's daughter."

And I've written
a letter expressly

Not recommending
dan's daughter.

"should she apply to this ohio
truck maintenance college,

She's going to have
a blemish on her record."

Should she apply to this ohio
truck maintenance college --

What's our -- what's our --
what's our next last name?

Well,
you didn't let me finish.

She's going to have
a blemish on her record, so --

This sounds awful.
I'd rather work.

That sounds terrible.

-Alright, uh...
-'cause we're on briggs.

...You do not think
that's a good idea?

You know --
-who comes after shane delanta?

I think
it's a horrible idea.

That's thumbs down,
bro.

Alright. Have a seat, bud.

Murr:
Ah, here you go, buddy.

I'm going to tell you
the truth, man.

I already finished the work.
-You did?

Yeah, I got a little bored,
so I was just --

So I just started doing it.
You know what I mean?

And, like --
-okay.

So now all we got to do is
look busy when they come in...

Got you.
...And we're --
we're doing fine.

the polar opposite
of my lady.

Dude, talk about it.
How's your weekend, man?

dude,
it was pretty good.

Enough of this
chitchat, q.

Let's send in
the cast brothers.

It's literally
from here to here.

-that's -- oh, uh, hey, guys.

-Hey.
-Hey, what's going on?

Yeah.

Yeah. Alright. Oh.

No, no.

Sal:
Mike cast -- he's standing
there like he's the muscle.

Murr: Uh-oh. Oh, no.

Yeah, okay.

yeah.

Oh, my god.
So emasculating.

What is the, uh...?

He was laughing,
but now he's not.

Look, look. Now he's picked up
on q's energy.





Alright, cool. Yeah,
I should be able to make it.

Alright, cool.

This yours?
-Well, it's -- it's in --

It's in -- it's in --
it's in order.

Damn.

Pyew!

-"cast brothers."
-what is this?

Cast brothers.

-Um...
-That's crazy, though, man.

I know. The cast brothers.
It's just immature.

They're just immature dickheads.
-Yeah. Man --

Let me ask you something.
Alright, let me ask you.

Let me get your opinion
on something.
Talk to me.

'cause, like, I do think about
getting them back,

The dickheads, you know?
-Yeah, I believe that.

You know, so I kind of --
I kind of hatched a plan.

Let me run it by you
and see what you think.

"so we go
to the same church."

We go to the same church.
St. Clare's, right?

Murr: "and their wives
always make a big point

To wear white,
to be pure for the lord."

And their wives...
-Mm.

...Always make a big point
to wear white, to be pure.

Murr: "well, methinks
a satan I shall play..."

Well, methinks
a satan I shall play...

"...Because
I'm working toward

Becoming
a eucharistic minister..."

...Because
I'm working towards

Becoming
a eucharistic minister...

Murr: "...So I can spill
the lord's blood

All over her puritanical
white ruffles and frills."

So I could spill
the lord's blood

All over her pure white
ruffles and frills.

-Oh, that's beautiful.
-You like that one?

Yeah.
-That one's good.

Look at the energy in there
compared to me and alice.

And you just hit it
with the, "oh, no."

Yeah, "oh, methinks
a satan I play."

I got you, bro.
I got you.

Dude,
are you peeping this?

yes.

Let's go smoke some weed!

Let's go!

We're going to smoke
some weed!

Buddy, have a seat.
Have a seat. Come on in.

Alright, murr,
you ready, baby?

Your bully's coming in.
Your bully dan...Finnerty.

Our boy danny
from the dan band.

You may know him
from movies

Like "old school"
and "the hangover."

Hi, dan.
How are you, buddy?

Hey, what's up?
Is this a new guy?

Could you hand me those
blue scissors right there?

-Blue scissors?
-Oh, yeah. Oh, they're gray.

Oh, sorry.
I'm colorblind.

I was going to cut
your hair,

But somebody got me first.
-Oh, yeah?

Alright, um, yeah, there's
a message from your mom.

Cortney -- c-o-r-t--
her freaking underwear back,
dude.

She wants
her underwear back.

Come on, man.
Wedgie. Wedgie boy.

Finnerty:
Yeah, there's a message
from your mom.

She wants
her underwear back.

Come on, man.

Wedgie.
Wedgie, boy.

-Kidding me? Are you kidding me?
-Come on.

Stand up!
I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding, man.
- oh, my god.

I'll see you next Tuesday,
jimbo.

-Dude. Damn. Holy
-oh, my god. ba*ls are wrecked.

Cortney.

I'm sorry, I hate to --

I know we got to get
this done,

But he just gave me
a full wedgie, man.

That's crazy.

I have to stand up for myself.
-Yes, you do.

So hear me out.

"a little birdie told me
he's planning on getting a tv

For his three-season room."

A little birdie told me
that he's planning on

Buying a tv
for his three-season room.

"my devious trick
is two-pronged."

My devious trick
is two-pronged.

-"firstly..."
-firstly...

"...I'll be sure to have him
overhear me whispering

About qled screens

And how they have
deeper blacks than oled."

I'll be sure to have him
overhear me whispering

About qled screens,

And how they have deeper blacks
than oled screens, right?

-Okay.
-Now, that's a straight-up lie.

They have worse blacks.

"when the mouse
takes my cheese..."

When the mouse
takes my cheese...

"...And buys a qled..."

...And buys a qled tv...

"...I'll lay on
the coup de grace

And gift him
with a standard hdmi cable."

I will lay on
the coup de grace

And gift him
with a standard hdmi cable,

As opposed to
a high-speed hdmi, right?

Perhaps I'll be able to get
a restful night's sleep

Knowing that his tv-viewing
experience is, at best, subpar.

It's the perfect payback,
isn't it?

Forgive me, james,

'cause I know you really want
to give it to him

'cause the man's
got it coming,

But, um,
no, I don't, man.

No, no, you --
you don't understand.

The tv -- you don't get --
what's wrong?

Um, I tell you, if it was me,
I would let the man know,

"don't ever put your hands
on me again,

Or I will up
your sh*t."

Okay.

I mean, we got to send dan
back in, right?
I know.
I should go back in.

Don't think about it
as revenge, man.

Don't get back at him.
Make him stop.

Make him stop.
Make him stop!

Oh, man.
This is amazing.

you.
- yeah.

I'm not going back
down there.

And make him understand

You will not suffer
this sh*t again.

"do not put
your hands on me."

Yeah, it's much better
than my idea.

I get that approach.
I get that'll work.

So, but --
just to clarify, though,

None of the things
that I --

None of the things
I said --

You -- would -- would --
don't do that.

Get in there, dan.

Murr, let him get out
the full apology

And then you just go nuts
on him.

-That's where we were.
-Hey, dan.

Uh, I feel really bad.
I shouldn't have done this,

Especially in front
of the new guy, and, uh --

That wasn't cool, man.

No, it wasn't.
-Well, I'm sorry.

I'm going through
a lot of stuff with my mom.

Do not ever put
your hands on me again.

-What the...?
-Okay?

Hey, don't touch me
with your hands, okay?
I told you I'm sorry.

-I'm going through a lot.
-Qled sucks, bro.

I'll k*ll you.
-What are you talking --

I will k*ll you.

I'll k*ll you.
-James.

-Qled sucks.
-James, need you to --

Qled sucks,
and you're going to buy it.
I said I was sorry.

I'm sorry, though.
I will your wife,
then your wife.

How was that?
Not bad, right? Not bad?

Did I do it okay?
-No.

Narrator: Murr and sal
were looking for payback,

But found themselves
on the loser board.

Today we're at
murr's choo-choo house

That he bought
to scam the irs,

And we're all working
different jobs.

I'm the painter.

I'm the homeowner.

And I'm the demo guy,
busting through walls.

As you work
alongside a subcontractor,

We'll have to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

And to add to the fun,
at any moment,

We could swap into the scene
to take over the interaction.

Whoever refuses
the most loses.

Or if he gets audited,
that's bad, too.

-it's a nonprofit.

Murr: Alright, buddy,
gets to work.

Alright, here we go.

-Eddie.
-Steve.

Alright,
so we hired this guy.

He thinks he's just coming in
to help do construction work

On a regular house in jersey.
-Yeah.

You want to do me a favor,
steve?

Can you just throw
the drop cloths,

Cover any tile you see?
-Yeah, yep.

Write something inappropriate
on the wall.

-yeah.

Oh.

Did you meet the owner yet,
by the way?

No.

He's kind of
a weird guy.

It sounds -- it sounds like
the owner should come in and --

-Stop it.
-And before you cover up

All those naughty words,
he should see them.

Come on.
I'm heading in.

Since you're
the snobby homeowner

And he's your painter,

You don't think
he speaks english.

-Hi, guys.
-Oh,sí. Hello.

-Hola.
-Hola. How are you?

Buenos t*rd.

-I'm james. How are you?
-Steve.

Steve.
Pleasure to meet you, buddy.

What is, um...

No inglés.

You think the mark did it,
murray,

Because he speaks english.

Uh-oh. The owner's here.

No inglés.

You think the mark did it,
murray,

Because he speaks english.

Uh, forgive me.

What was your name again, bud?
-Steve.

Did you --
you wrote that?

Uh, edward speaks
no english.

It'sbueno?
It's -- no?

Can we --no bueno.

Sí.
This is a roller.

-Yeah, yes. I understand.
-This is --

I used --
I used roller.

Bad word. Cover.

All white. Yes, edward.

Hey, mur, ask him
if he's into choo-choos.

Uh, do you, uh --
you know,

Are you into choo-choos?

You are?
-Yeah.

-For real?
-Yeah.

Murr, you can't say
"choo-choo" enough, buddy.

So those are good
choo-choos.

You're really into choo-choos?
-Yeah.

-Lionel makes great choo-choos.
-Yeah.

Uh, so, yeah, uh, downstairs --
I'll take you guys later.

Well, not him, you know,
but I'll take you later

If you want
to see the choo-choos.
Yeah, okay.

Unbelievable. You got to see
the choo-choos, right?

I didn't know you --
that you were so into --

Choo-choo?

-Sí. Choo--
-trains.

-Trains, yeah, choo-choos.
-Yeah.

"in this house,
they're choo-choos."

Then walk away.

In this house,
they're called choo-choos.

Steve: Okay.

Murray, tell them, like, "you
haven't seen my wife, have you?"

You haven't seen my wife
come through, have you?

Has she been in yet?

Okay.

"alright, well,
if you see her,

Would you tell her
to wait in the tub for me?"

Do me a favor,
steve.

If you see my wife, tell her
to wait in the tub for me.

hey, johnna,

You want to go in
and look for your husband?

Oh.

Hi.
Where's my husband?

He went out the front door?
Okay.

He wanted you to wait for him
in the tub, he said?

"you speak english?"

You speak english?

-I'm learning.
-Okay.

Johnna, ask steve
if he's sleeping over tonight.

And...

...Are you sleeping over
tonight?

-Sí. Oh.
-No, miss.

"socould you sleep over
tonight?"

S-s-so...

Could you sleep over
tonight?

Sí.

No, miss.

"'cause I like trains, too."

Going to go play
with the choo-choos.

Did you meet
the demo guy yet?

Hey, it's your house
I'm about to go to town on.

Alright, sal,
I'm on my way.

Demo guy
in the hou-ou-ou-se!

Demo guy
in the hizzy house!

Where's my boy eddie at?
Hey, bud.

When you start demoing,
swing that hammer

Like you've never used one
in your entire life.

Yeah, buddy.

Oh, you want to bust
down a wall with me?

Yeah, I do restoration.
I know how to do the wall.

Yeah, man,
check this out,

Because when I swing
this hammer, brother,

I swing --
I swing like thor.

-Okay.
-I swing hard.

Unh.

Um...

Unh. Uh...

Sal: There it is.
There it is.

-Unh.
-Start smashing

-My family, uh...
-Unh.

I'm sending you in.

-You're sending me in?
-He's breaking the wrong wall.

Ah! Ah!

you look insane.

Now, q, take one swipe
as hard as you can.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
This is the wrong wall.

-what are you doing?

What wall
was I supposed to?

Sal: "the choo-choo wall."

You were supposed to do
the back wall over here,

Do the choo-choo wall,

The one connected to
the choo-choo trains.

-I'm sorry, man.

Hey, steve, you want to give
me a hand, buddy?

I'm sorry, man.

And, uh, do you think

You're going to want to
sleep over tonight?

Oh, uh, and
do you think that --

Do you think that
you're going to want to

Sleep over tonight
or...?

No, no. I live close.
No.

So you're not
going to be sleeping over?

-No.
-Okay.

See that box behind you
that says "paint supplies"?

A bell's in there.

That's the bell that you use
to summon people,

And you've been missing it
all day.

Oh,
I found my bell.

Ring it like crazy,
and then, sal, enter.

qué?

Will you please
get back to work?

Sí. Sí.

Open the door
and ring the bell for dan cast

And then go out and leave
sal alone with the guy.

daniel,
I found my bell.

"you know, he asked me
to sleep over last week."

You know, he asked me
to sleep over last week.

He asked you to sleep over?
-Yeah.

"it was the creepiest night
of my life."

It was the -- it was --

That's it, buddy.

dude, that's a flop.

Narrator:
Sal couldn't construct a win,
making him tonight's big loser.

-Yes.
-Alright.

Alright, well,
sal is our loser tonight,

And we're outside
of cappy's warehouse
wine & spirits

For his punishment.
-Yeah.

Buddy, you know that thing
when some d*uche

Parks his car right next
to yours,

Boxes you in
in the parking lot?

-Yeah, you did it before?
-Yeah, I did.

Well, you're going to be
doing that tonight

Over and over
and over.

-Wow.
-That's right.

And to help
with your whole aura, buddy...
Right here.

...Cloud 9 production service
has lent us

This very humble,
modest car for you.

Wow. That's --
yeah, that's totally me.

That's -- that's stock
and unmodified.

That's good.

Be talking to yourself, bro.
Self-affirmation.

You're hot, bro.

You're hot
and you're rich, bro.

You're a 10,
and your girl's a 9.5, bro.

Yeah. What up?

Boom, boom, boom.

Yeah.

When you walk in,
people know you in the building.

Here I go.

Dude, this is straight up
"tokyo drift."

Murr: Alright, you got to
find someone to box in.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the guy.
-Oh, boy.

Guy with the blue shirt.

Yeah, I mean, you got to box
this guy in, buddy.

I don't feel comfortable
with this at all.

ooh.

You hear the proximity alarm
going off in the car?
Yeah.

Alright,
the trap's set.

Boys.

Oh, you noticed the chocolates?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What happened is, uh,
casey has a fundraiser

At his kid's school,
and they're selling chocolate.

So we figured
it'd be helpful for you

To try
and sell chocolates

To everybody
that you interact with.

Oh, did we not mention that
in the intro?

Oops.
-No.

Your punishment ends when
you sell all the chocolate bars.

Am I -- am I -- am I,
"bro," or am I, "bro"?

No, I think --
I'd like to see both, like,
to be honest with you.

Get out, start buffing
your hood a little bit.

Is there --
is there a cloth in that cooler?

Oh, here we go.
-Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, boy.

He can hear you.
Get in character.
Get in character.

No. No, lady gaga,

You are the most interesting
personI've ever dated.

Okay, text me later.

Oh.

here he goes. Here we go.

Murr: Oh, boy.

Sal: Okay, text me later.

Oh.

yeah. Right.

Welcome to car of dreams,
yeah?

Can you move it up
so I can get in?

Oh.

You kind of blocked me
in there.

Oh. You in --
you in ru-- rush?

Yeah,
I got to go back to work.

Oh, oh.

blame it on him, sal.
"you pulled it tight, bud."

"you blocked me in,
bro."
let's not pretend
it's all my fault.

You could have parked
better yourself.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.
-Um, actually, no.

I'm right on the line.
You're over the line.

Oh, actually,
you're right about that one.

Hey, hey, bro, whoa.
Take it easy, bro.

"dodge car to dodge car.
We're bros."

Dodge --
dodge car to dodge car.

We're bros.

Sell him chocolate.
Chocolate.
Sell chocolate.
Chocolate. Chocolate.

Hey, bro.

Here he goes.
Here we go.

I'll let you go.
I move out of the way.
Thank you.

But I'm selling chocolates
for my -- my daughter's school.

Okay, but it's to support the
troops and the school and the --

And to get the jerseys
and the g*ns.

$2 a chocolate.

Alright then, bro.

Alright, sal,
you can move the car.

Alright. Be well.

-Ooh, sal, that is a tight fit.
-Wow.

-Oh, boy.
-So, sal, we, uh --

We planted sushi
in the car, okay?

This is a lot of sush'.
Okay.

-Oh, here we go.
-Here we go. Here we go.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no, I just got the sushi.
That's all.

You got sushi?

Yeah, but I need you
to move your car a little bit.

Oh, this is you here?

Oh, you pulled in tight, bro.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They did the lines wrong.

No,
they didn't do it wrong.

You didn't --
you didn't pull in properly.

Me?
Oh, I do most stuff proper.

Let me --
I'm going to crush this sush'.

Sal, you got to
sell him chocolate.

Murr:
Yeah, the chocolate, buddy.
The chocolate.

"I'll move the car,
but first..."

Before you go.

My daughter, she drains hoops.
-Yes.

She's also in the military.

I'm selling chocolate bars
for her school.

She plays basketball
for st. Clare's of the --

Of the assisies.

$2 -- $2 a bar.

Okay, a dollar?
A dollar? A dollar?

No no, no. Don't worry.
Let me go, please.

Oh, my god,
we're going to be here all day.

I just want to make
sure you're clear.

Like,
this doesn't end

Till the chocolate bars
are gone, so --
yeah.

And you can't buy them,
but you can eat them.

Dude, you want me to eat


murr: It's just the protein
that worries you?

Alright,
you got that juice box, sal?

-Yeah.
-You're just going to finish it.

You're going to burp,
and then you're going to try

And kick it across
the parking lot

Before you address him.

He's walking out.
He's walking out.

Oh.

Hold on one second.

No, I was --
I thought that was a pail.

I missed it.

It's organic, though.
It's biodegradable.

"oh, man.
I always wanted to meet

The mayor of long island."

I always wanted to meet
the mayor of long island.

How you doing?
You want me to move it?

Alright.
Listen, before you go --

Before you go --
hold on one second.

I'll call you back.

"buy a chocolate
before you go."

My daughter is selling
chocolates for her school.

I'm picking the garbage up

Buy one, and I pick it up.

You don't want to buy it?
I don't want to pick up.

This is how we do it here.

I-I was lining it up
according to your car.

You're not in your spot,
but it doesn't matter.

Here, we --
it's a stalemate on that.

I got these salted peanut butter
flavored bar chocolates.




They're for the troops
and my daughter's uniforms.

-No chocolate, buddy,
-buddy

You couldn't sell
a single chocolate.

Sal:
Damn it. g*dd*mn it.

Sal, it's up to you.
We told you what --

How to end
this punishment.

You better start eating.
There he goes.

Ah, play him some music.

♪yeah ♪

Are you going --
are you leaving?

He's not allowed to do that.

-alright.

Sal: