13x01 - Meal, Interrupted

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today we're stranded
on the side of the road because,

Son of a g*n,
our car broke down!

After flagging down a good
samaritan to help us out,

We'll have to do and say
whatever the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose.

Guys, I-I don't know, guys.
It's not looking good.

Damn.
Nobody's stopping for me.

That car looks good
on camera

In a way that cars
don't look anymore.

No.
How you doing, bro?

It's not turning.
It just clicks.

Yeah.

Yeah?
Well, you know
what it is.

"the engine might be
overheated, buddy."

The engine maybe
is overheated, I thought.

Inside is a fan.
Fan the engine.

This is the engine?

It says "rave daddy"
on the fan.

"rave daddy"!

It's from my old days.

Oh, yeah?

That was
another lifetime ago.

But I would pull up and be like,
"rave daddy's here."

Murr: Sal, now reveal

That your mother fell down
the basement stairs

And she can't get up.

Yeah. I just was -- I was
getting back in the car

Because my mom fell down
the basement stairs.

Yeah.
"she's been there
an hour."

She's been there
about like an hour now.

"at the bottom of the stairs,
legs akimbo."

At the bottom of the stairs,
legs akimbo.

Yeah. I told aaa,

But they said they
can't just rush

Because my mom's on face
first in the cement.

Have him get in the car
to try to turn it over.

And then, while you're
under the hood,

Start pulling cables
out left and right.

Would you just try to start
it for me so I could just look?

Yeah, just turn it
a couple times.

We put in, like, fake pieces
for you to pull out, bud.

Oh, okay. What is that?
Okay. Hold on.

Maybe it's this thing.

Well, I don't know, because
I don't know what the hell is...

Oh, god, jesus christ.

This car is
falling apart, man.

"how do we do this now?

Do we exchange
insurance information or"...

How does it work now, though?
What do we do?

Do we exchange
insurance information or...

Me? Why me?

Well, me -- you and I,
because of this.

I don't have insurance.
Oh, okay.

Yeah, I just
ride a bike.

"well, then how are you
going to pay for this?"

You don't have insurance?

Then how are
you gonna pay for this?

You want me
to pay for it?

"look at all these parts
on the floor."

Look at all the parts
on the floor.

I don't know...

What am I gonna --
what are we gonna do?

I mean, I was just
riding my bike.

"do you have an attorney,
or is it just you?"

You have an attorney
or something like that?

Oh.

"mm. No insurance,
no attorney.

This could be
pricey for you."

No insurance, no attorney.

This could be pricey for you.

"I shouldn't have drift raced
that asian kid this morning."

You know what, I --

I'll tell you this now
that I'm --

Now that I'm reflecting
on the day, I shouldn't have

Drift raced with
that asian kid this morning.

"when I see an asian,
I want to race him."

I don't -- I mean, I can't --
I can't pull up next

To an asian person
and not race them.

Maybe.
"you know, it,
let's burn it."

Sal, go to the trunk.
There's a gas tank.

Douse the car
with gasoline.

I'm just gonna light it
and get the out of here.

You got room to go on --
can two go on it? Okay.

All right, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go go!

It's going up.
You gotta get out of here, bro.

It's me and you.
Put your hands
on his t*ts.

All right, q.

I don't know nothing
about cars. Oh.

Oh. You're pulling --
thank you.

Oh, here we go, buddy.

Hey, how's it going?
I'm brian.

Mark.
Mark.
Nice to meet you, mark.

I was bringing the classic out.

Oh, you got a mustang
motor up in here.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna get a screwdriver.
Stick it in there.

I'm going to have you crank it
to see if we're --
okay. All right.

We didn't really want
to repair it.

"I've never been
in this situation before."

I've actually never been
in this situation before.

"I've fantasized
about it, but"...

I-I've fantasized about it,
but I've never actually --

All right.
You want to go crank it?
Yeah, let's go crank it.

All right.
You got no spark.

No spark. That's what my wife
said about my marriage.

"mark, if you got cables, you
can just try jacking me off."

So either you got
a bad coil...

This isn't a situation
where you, like,

Grab cables and just,
like, jack me off with it?

No.
No.

Sal: "I'm not --
I'm not a big car guy."

I'm not a -- like,
I'm not a big car guy.

"maybe there was
excessive backlash

In the differential ring."

Maybe there's
excessive backlash

In the differential ring.

"and the pinion gears require
like a re-shimming."

And the pinion gears, they
require re-shimming, I was told.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Is that a camera?
-"is that a camera?"

So you ever watch
that show "impractical jokers"?

-Yeah.
-You like that show?

Holy sh*t.

You're on
"impractical jokers."

Am I really?
Yeah.

You got me out here
fixing your car.

That's right!

It runs?
It runs.

But you should get
a cap and rotor.

"oh, man. I was on my way
to a candle convention."

I was on a candle convention.

Just -- I don't know
what to do here.

Uh, do you know anything
about cars, buddy?

I can't turn it over.
Man: I can try for
you real quick.

Thanks, buddy.

This is a little smoke
machine we installed in.

-What's your name?
-Peter.

Peter, james.
Nice to meet you, man.

"peter, she stopped
vrooming."

She stopped
vrooming is the thing.

Like, she was
vrooming before.

You know what it is?

Give me a second look.
That's my mechanic.
Oh.

He's trying to turn it over,
but it won't turn.

Yeah, it won't turn.
It usually goes vroom, vroom.

But it's not now.

Yeah. Try and turn it
over real quick.

I'll turn it over. Okay.

Let me know if you see anything
clicking or any --

The spark plug.

Oh, no.
Let it go. Stop.

Peter: But, yeah, try
and turn it over real quick.

Let me know if you
see anything clicking

Or any -- the spark plug.

Oh, no.
Let it go. Stop.

Surprise, murr.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

"what did you do?"
what'd you do?

Peter? What the hell, man?
What'd you do?

It's smoking like crazy.

You can't even see
the street.

"I was already running late
to watch wendy williams."

I was already running late
to watch wendy williams.

"this stinks d*ck."
yeah, bro. You have
to call a tow truck

This stinks d*ck.
It does.

It stinks d*ck, peter.

Yeah, you're gonna
have to call --

I'm gonna miss
wendy williams at this point.

This stinks d*ck, man.
Sal: I can't even see him!

What do I do?
We have someone pulling --
an uber pulling up.

Man: Hey, uber for james.
Uber for james? That's me.

Sal: Murr get in that
uber and just leave.

Dude, you gotta get --

Dude, get out of here
before it blows!

Go, peter! Go! Go, peter, go!

Narrator: Looks like insurance
has the guys covered,

Keeping them all safe
from the loser board.

Today we're at union
funeral home in new jersey,

Working in teams.

So we brought our good buddy
adam ray in to help us out.

Glad to be here, fellas,

To join you for this
very normal challenge,

Where one of us
is a funeral director

And the other will be
a corpse. That's right.

So we hired a temp worker to
help us set up before a funeral.

And our goal is
to distract that person

While the corpse rises from
the coffin to achieve a task.

Whoever completes
the fewest tasks

Before being caught loses.

Gah!
I'm afraid of ghosts!

Sal: All right, murr, let's
get in this casket, b*tch.

This is a weird one.

Now, murr, I've envisioned
this day for a long time.

How the hell do I keep
a straight face in here?

You understand?
I'm going to be laughing.

I'm genuinely nervous.
I want this to work.

I can't wait for you guys to get
out of here because this is...

I know. I got a secret weapon,
though today, baby.

Who, adam ray?
That's right.

Yeah, but you guys don't have
a great success record.

A little lower, sal,
a little lower, sal.

Can't do it. I --
a little lower, sir.

Sir, can you go
a little lower?

Can't do it.
I'm scared.

Today's the day.

Your name's christine?
Okay, murr, you are dead.

Are you coming here
to help us today?

I hope you don't mind
the, uh, you know.

I used to be in the funeral
home, like, all the time.

Oh.
Sal: All right. Murr.

There's a pencil in
the casket, murray.

Flick it up, and I want it
to get stuck into the ceiling.

Adam: He got it.
He got the pencil.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You guys are joking
right now, right?

What are you
talking about?
She saw murray move.

She said she saw this
dumb piece of
sh*t move immediately.

What a dumb dead body.
Is he smiling?

Oh, he is smiling.
She sees you smiling.

Stop smiling. Stop smiling.
Stop smiling.

-What are you doing?
-I knew we were short staffed,

So I came in to fill in.

If you need anybody
to help laminate stuff, I can.

Go help her laminate.
We'll give you another turn.

Go help. Go laminate.
Let's do this. Okay.

Oh, hey. How are you doing, sir?
What is your name?

All right, here we go.
We're in. Murray.

Hey, murray, try not to
smirk and lick your lips.

Don't normally work
with a corpse

Hanging right around, yeah.
No.

Sal: Murray. In the casket
is a red solo cup,

Q's got a ping-pong ball.

I'm gonna have you guys
play a little beer pong.

He's not looking.
He's not looking.

You guys are good.
He's knee deep in laminate.

The first time that
I started working here, they...

An associate of mine
bought it.

Sal: Oh, he's
turning around.

They used to have
a supply center above us.

Adam: Murr, get out
of the casket.

Do five burpees.
Get back in the casket.

On the dates that you're
scheduled to do that...

Yeah.
Sal: Oh, my god.

...Prove that
the property taxes are high.

Everybody's property taxes.

Yeah. They got revenue.
He's out, he's out clean.

Right. So they
can't do it. Right.

Right?
But some people have
more time.

A bit more money...

You know?
All the seats are --
yeah.

What did you...

Hey, he doesn't see you.
Stay down.

What's going on?

The boss is, uh...
We got a leg loose here,

Down here, so it's just --
not only a leg loose,
a screw loose.

Why are you playing?
What are you doing this for?

I was checking out the --
you're in on this.

Yeah. Have a seat, bud.
Have a seat.

Excuse me
one second, richard.

I'm just gonna dust
off these flowers.

Sal: All right, so q's got
a dustbuster right now,

Which will provide
a welcoming noise distraction.

Adam: Great distraction.

Yeah, murray, murray, put
your feet where your head were.

Put your feet
where your head was.

Head first. Other way.

Murray's got a look
of determination

If I've ever seen one
on his face.

You know, they start
having beers around 10:00 am.

You know what I mean?
They're planting flowers.

I'm like,
that's a job for me.

Now just kind of push.
Give a little kick.

Yeah. Kick. There you go.
Slide yourself in.

That's like
the wicked witch of the east

Just slowly dying
into her own coffin.

"I'll get you, my pretty."

Murr, give me a couple
of rockette kicks.

Some people be like,
uh, yeah, yeah.

Some people
be like, nah.

Like, if a fireman dies
or something like that.

Sal: Q, just stops hitting
the dustbuster for no reason.

Murr, get out
of the coffin

And do a handstand
against the wall.

Ooh.

I don't know.
He was accusing one of...

Good luck.
Undulating out of it.

Nice.
Beautiful.

Wow.
If he pulls this off.

I was there with a --
with a girlfriend of mine.

I don't have kids,
so we, uh...

Sal: Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

You know,
I spend a lot of time --

I live not too far from
the staten island zoo,

So I like to go there.

Oh, my god. What?!
Adam: Wow. What?

What?! What?!
Wow.

This is unbelievable.

Get down!
Oh, wow.
That's the year...

oh, my god!

Yeah, hey, can you leave
the room without being caught?

Your friends would --

Your friends wouldn't record it
and put it on instagram

And then make fun of you
and stuff like that.

Like, it just wouldn't
happen that way.

Just, uh, make sure
that this is...

Nice egress over here.
You know what I'm saying?

Q's fireman
kicked in there.

Yeah, everybody was
just like in the moment.

Yeah.
You want to see a cool scar?

Yeah. Come here.
Check this out.

Uh...

I just saw someone
over there under the table.

Where?
Near the egress.

Over here.

Where's the guy
that was, uh --

That guy that was in the coffin?
Oh, there he go, there he go.

This is sonya edwards.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Murr: Adam, you look like you're
squeezed in like a sardine.

First, we're going to
do the laminates.

So, have you
done these before?

Adam, we planted a bunch
of movies in your pocket.

Take one slip of paper out
and do charades to sal.

Here we go.
Sal: Yeah.
This should be the whole box.

There's 200 in there.
Sonya: Okay. No, no.

We got it, we got it.
This is gonna be a hard one.

Murr: This is hard.

He's up.

That was not enough.

Whip?
Yes! Whip!

Oh. Indiana jones.

Yeah!
Which one?

"temple of doom."
no.

"last crusade."
nope.

What?

Indiana jones...
Indiana jones...

Year were you born?
You know this.

"raiders of the lost ark."

He got it! That's one.
All right.

Adam, take your phone
out of your pocket

And try to order a pizza.

Crazy.

Murr: Adam, take your phone
out of your pocket

And try to order a pizza.

Crazy.

hi.

hot cherry
pepper pie.

Sal's just
vacuuming the air.

Man on phone: Sir?

Hot cherry pepper pie.

Okay. So these --
oh, so you're making a pile?

Are you making a pile
before you put them through?

Hot cherry pepper pie?

Can I get a cherry pepper pie,
please?

Ambrosia road.
I'm in a coffin

At a funeral home.

Can I get a cherry pepper pie?

Thank you so much.

All right.
You got it.

All right. Wow.


Okay.

I hid some balloons,
and, adam, I would like

You to give you a best shot
at making a balloon animal.

There you go.

All the way to the tip.

Sure.
I'll give it to you.

Put it on
your head as a hat.

Yeah, because if
any guests check the molding,

I want it to be dusted.
Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, uh-oh!

Oh!
Oh!

Busted.

So you already
kind of put most of these.

All right, adam,
I want you to take

A selfie in the coffin,

But make sure
you get sal in it.

Sal, you gotta dab
when he takes the photo.

Get as much water
as you can, like right here.

Man: Got it.

Adam, while in the coffin,
take your pants off.

What are we doing here?

He's gonna try
to take his pants off.

Oh!

Stand, stand.
Stand on the coffin.

Stand on the coffin.
Stand in the coffin.

You get connections...
Dab. Yeah, dab.

...And everybody
knows each other.

Can you jump out?
Could you like --

Could you cat-like
leap out of it?

A family --
a family is gonna come.

You gotta be like, oh, my god,

Like, family is going
to come here.

The guy didn't notice!

Narrator: Murr put the nail
in that coffin,

Making him tonight's
big loser.

So, murr lost.

And, you know,
in reviewing last season.

Sal and I realized
that we really messed up one

Of your punishments.
Okay.

So now we're here at
fandi mata to correct all that.

Okay.
Because last season,
when we were here,

We had you put meat
into people's mouths.

What we didn't realize is
some people like free food.

So we went back
to the drawing board,

Literally back
to the drawing board,

And we figured out that food
plus mouth equals happy.

Yeah.
And food minus mouth
equals sad.

Got it. So I'm taking people's
food away from them?

Precisely.
Yeah, you got it.

But this is
just a theory,

So get out there and let's
put the equation to the test.

Sal: All right, murr.

I'm really nervous, man.
Same spot.

This is how he was
last time.

And then by like
halfway through,

He was like, back-flipping
over to their table.

Being like,
"meat in your mouth!"

Yeah. Last time people
were smiling in the end.

Yeah.
Today I want --
I don't want to finish

Till there's like
an exacto knife in your neck.

Oh, god. Man.
Here he goes.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

She's drinking, she's drinking,
she's drinking.

Oh, my god.

God!
Stop muttering
to yourself.

You do this,
you son of a b*tch.

Okay.

The bewilderment!

Um, excuse me.

Why did you take my drink?

"oh, I bussed it."

I-I bussed your drink.
I didn't take it for myself.

I bussed the drink.
I literally just got it.

I am so sorry.

"I'll self-report myself
to the manager."

What I'm going to do

Is I'm going to self-report
myself to the management.

If I did the crime,
I will do the time.

I mean, you don't have
to self-report.

It was an accident.
I have to.

"we don't need to get bent
out of shape."

We don't need to get bent
out of shape.

It's a fixable mistake.
That was just crazy.

You just took my drink
and just dumped it in there.

"you know how, like,
when you're on the dance floor

And you get lost
in the movement?"

You know how...

You know how, when you're
on the dance floor

And you get lost
in the movement?

"that's bussing for me."

That's -- that's -- that,
for me, that's bussing.

"bussing makes me
feel good."

Bussing makes me feel...

Bussing makes
me feel good.

So...
"I shall self-report."

Self-report.
I sal shelf-report.

I shall self-report
and I'll be back.

Sal: "I sal shelf-report."

And then you
dropped a glass.

Oh, murr, I see that
table needs cleaning.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Good luck, buddy.

There he goes.
There he goes.

Woman: Oh!

-That was --
-why would you do that?

That was his martini.

I was bussing the table.
I'm sorry was that not done?

No. That was like
a whole martini.

-Was it?
-Yeah.

You just poured it
in there, see?

"I'm gonna self-report
this to the manager."

I have to self-report
myself to the management.

"so I will be chastised,
just so you're aware."

I will be chastised.
And gin martini with a twist?

Okay.

Oh, I cannot believe I
goofballed in front of you guys.

It's okay.
That's really
embarrassing to me.

-I'll be right back.
-Thank you.

Thank you. I'm so sorry again.
My apologies.

"I'm goofballs."

I'm just mega
goofballs today.

No worries.
I'm like super goofballs.

Murr, try the table
with the red drink.

Okay.

Oh, my god,
his drink is half full.

Oh, god. Oh, god.
All right, here he goes.

Dude, I'm drinking that.
It's still mine.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What's that?
I'm sorry.

I still had about
half my drink in there.

Sal: "oh, I bussed it."

I-I bussed it.
It looked like it was empty.

No. No, it was not.

Murr, take the glass out
and pour it back in.

It was not low.

No worries.
My apologies.

Are you serious?

I'm not going to drink
the drink from

Poured in there.

"I'll go self-report
my mistake to my manager."

I-I will -- I will self-report
my mistake to my manager.

"I'll be right back
with the fresh half-drink."

I'll be right back
with a fresh half-drink.

"after I self-report."

After I self-report
to the manager.

That's a nice,
healthy full plate.

You have your
little food bucket?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, dude.

Oh, my god.
It's doing it again.

My god.
Oh, my god.

That's a nice,
healthy full plate.

You have your
little food bucket?

Sorry?

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

I'm confused.
Where did you take the plate?

Murr: You weren't --
we just got that.

"sorry,
I bussed you too early."

You know, I bussed
your table too early.

My apologies.
"a premature bussing."

It was a premature bussing.
Yeah, yeah.

"I can tell I'm
repulsive to you."

You know what it is?
I can tell I'm repulsive to you.

She nodded.

Murr, eat something
from -- eat something.

Yeah, that was
the platter plate?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Let me get you a new thing.

She looked like you were just
a disgusting piece of

Go back and give
her some sh*t, murr.

So, guys, guys.

I don't know what that face was,
but I'm not repulsed.

So your face is unwarranted.

Turn around, murr.
You see a couple there?

Those are some very full
drinks, my friend.

Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Very full drinks
on that table.

Clink. Cheers.

Murray,
now go get hers.

Murr, grab their
water now.

Is this a time to defend
your honor?

Oh, their food's there, too.

Murr: No!
Oh, yes!

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god.

Just go bus
the whole table.

oh, no!

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

God, this looks so good.

Sal: Go, go, go.

-All right.
-No, no.

No, no!

So...
Wrap it up. Let's go home.

Murr, try
and get his watch.

Oh, he's -- oh, he's coming.

oh! He's coming.

Murr, murr, drop the check.
Drop the check.

We take cash or credit.

Yeah.

That's it, buddy. I don't
know how we're gonna top that.

No, no.
It's the full bill.