03x25 - Q & A on FYI

[bunniefuu]

Well, I heard about
it, but I didn't believe it.

Respected news people
throwing water at each other.

Do you think the producer of
Nightline has these discipline problems?

Do you think he has to yell at Ted Koppel?

Don't run with the stick, Ted!

You couldn't put out an eye!

Oh, come on, Miles, lighten up.

We're one show away from the
end of a really grueling season.

Yeah, it could have been worse.

We could have played hide the
executive producer like we did last year.

You know, I'm really surprised at you, Jim.

Dance, little man.

Okay.

See, this is pointless.

So I'll just conduct my business and go.

As you know, the network produces
a game show called Collegiate Q&A.

Two teams of college
students compete for a cash

prize by answering
extremely difficult questions.

Oh, yes.

Doris and I often watch that show.

It's very well done.

And TV Guide recently called it one of
television's most stimulating programs.

I pray it's coming from a
magazine whose crossword

puzzle has clues like
cat on a hot tin blank.

Get to the point, Miles.

You're starting to look mighty dry.

Every so often, the show invites
a celebrity team to compete

against the students with the
prize money going to charity.

They've already had 2020 and Primetime
Live, and now they're asking FYI to appear.

Now, wait a minute, Miles.

Does this show tape on a
weekday when we're supposed to be

doing research, following leads,
and putting together stories?

Okay, that's the one drawback.

I'm afraid it does.

It's so nice to work with
such dedicated professionals.

Now, you're gonna need a strong five-man
team, but there's no need to panic.

I, you're a quick-thinking,
Harvard-educated executive producer,

a man known to his freshman-year
roommates as Miles Silverbrain,

will be leading you to victory.

Okay, team.

Rehearsal tomorrow in Studio H.

Now that that's settled,
Miles, you have till

the count of three to
get to the elevators.

Then we open fire.

You're not serious.

Are we serious?

So am I.

Hi, Murphy Brown, FYI.

Looking forward to a really great game.

Let me introduce our team.

Oh, there's no need, Ms. Brown.

We're all big FYI fans.

I'm Ben Lawson.

This is Melissa Denton, Paul Hatfield,
Donald Klein, and Alexis Dewar.

Ms. Brown, I know it
sounds like we're gushing, but

it is a real honor to be
playing against all of you.

So, where are you kids doing the old
reading, writing, and arithmetic thing?

We're from Yale.

Oh, really?

So it's to be the Crimson
versus the Blue, is it?

You're an Harvard man.

Yeah, sorry to ruin your day.

Of course, there's five of
you and only one of me.

You might still have a chance.

All right, people, let's
take our seats, please.

FYI on one side, Yale on the other.

A ruler, a habit, and a little
more facial hair, and that

guy is the spinning image
of a nun I had in high school.

Good afternoon, everyone.

I am Dr. Wade Benoit, Professor of
Linear Mathematics at Gaucher College.

And I am your host.

Save your applause, I've been
doing this show for 15 years.

So far, a lot of clapping hasn't put
a swimming pool in my backyard.

Now, tomorrow night, you'll come
out and stand beside these desks.

Theme song, theme song, theme song.

I will be introduced.

I will throw off the last
few shreds of self-respect

that still cling to
me... and then enter.

More applause.

I check my yard.

Still no swimming pool.

I'll then ask each team member
to introduce him or herself.

Please keep it brief.

For example, I would point to you,
young man, and you would say...

I'm Ben Lawson, and I'm a
senior majoring in journalism.

Very good.

Or I might point to you,
sir, and you would say...

Frank Fontana, FYI.

I enjoy world travel, fine wine.

Though my work can
sometimes be dangerous, I'm

trying to take myself
a little less seriously.

Fontana, just to clear up any
confusion, this is not the love connection.

All right.

Here are the rules of our game.

They're not that difficult.

I will ask a series of questions
from different subject categories.

When you feel you have
the correct answer, hit

your buzzer and give that
answer when called upon.

For example, I might
ask, um, name the

substance in the brain
associated with memory.

And then, Mr. Dial, you would
buzz in and you would say...

And you would say, Mr. Dial... The substance
in the brain associated with memory.

It's a substance, is it?

Yeah.

Well, whatever it is, I can
certainly use some of it now.

All right, then Yale.

The substance in the brain
associated with memory.

Selenium.

Selenium, yes, very good.

Let's say I ask Yale, name
the scholar who in 1543

produced the first workable
model of the sun and planets.

No, don't answer, Yale.

Let's say Yale had no answer.

I would then throw the question back over
to FYI, and Miss Brown, you would say...

I know this.

Galileo.

That is incorrect.

Well, let's not argue about it.

Why don't you check your
source and get back to me?

Let me get back to you right now.

You're wrong.

Anyone else?

On the end, you have the answer.

I had it.

I lost it.

Damn.

Yale, the scholar who produced the first
workable model of the sun and planets.

Copernicus.

A bonus point for his full name.

Nicholas Copernicus.

Another bonus point for his middle initial.

J.

Well, I'm sure we all have a good idea.

So then, we'll see you tomorrow night.

Yale, you may go.

FYI, please stay.

All right, FYI, I know what you're doing.

What do you mean?

You were holding back, weren't you?

You didn't want to overwhelm
the students, so you pretended

not to know the answers to
those very elementary questions.

Well, Dr. Benoit, you caught us.

Boy, is my face red.

Well, I know they're
just kids, but it'll make a

better show if you allow
yourselves to compete.

Well, see you in 26 hours.

I thought it was supposed to be a game
show. There were no trail falls.

It would have k*lled them to have one section where
we had to guess the price of a dining room set.

I knew we shouldn't have done this.

Didn't I say it was a bad idea?

Didn't I?

What are you talking about?

You were the first one who agreed to do it.

Oh, no.

Murphy is never wrong, Jim.

Are you Murphy?

Galileo, what a doofus answer.

I didn't hear you jumping in with an
answer, Mr. Fine Wine and World Travel.

Because it is useless
information, that's why.

I don't have room in my brain for
stuff that's of no use in the real world.

You don't have room because
your brain is full of batting

averages, women's phone
numbers, and poems that start with

there once was a waitress named Stella.

Oh.

Well, let's listen to the Harvard graduate.

I had it, but I lost it.

Nice answer.

Only cost your parents $40,000.

Hey, there.

I just thought you should know
the odds in the bar are three to one.

You guys will go down
in flames tomorrow night.

Oh, sh**t.

What's the problem?

You're all bright people.

You're gonna let a bunch
of college kids whip you?

It has nothing to do
with being bright, Phil,

but they want us to know
all this academic stuff.

Most of us haven't been
in school in a long time.

I agree.

What normal adult
has even the faintest

memory of things like
the Pythagorean theorem?

Ah, that would be the sum
of the squares of the sides of

the right triangle equal the
square of the hypotenuse.

Ah, look, you guys are
just a little rusty, that's all.

You got most of the information covered.

Murphy, you know politics
and government, Jim

languages, Miles'
Business, Frank Law, Corky.

The main thing is, it's all there for you.

Phil's right.

We can do this.

We have to do this.

I'm not gonna embarrass
myself on national TV.

That's the vice-president's job.

We need to organize a
study group, get our hands on

some reference material,
cover all the categories.

Okay, what do you say in
my place in half an hour?

No problem.

Thanks for the pep talk, Phil.

Glad to be available.

Oh, and here's a little tip.

If the category is Nobel Prize, it's
odds-on that the answer is Linus Pauling.

He won it twice, once
for chemistry and once

for peace, so a pretty
good shot it's him.

Millions of dollars worth of talent,
they never order a damn thing.

Fine arts, who wants it?

I hated fine arts.

I'll take it.

American history.

I hated American history.

Allow me.

World lit.

I hated world lit.

Well, since I don't see anything on cutting
class or panty raids, I'll take world lit.

You're gonna have to make a choice, Frank.

Earth science or religion?

I'll take earth science.

I had enough religion in
Bishop Fallon's school for boys.

Fine, give me religion.

My people always carry the burden.

Thanks a lot.

Fine. Everybody let's study.

Hmm.

Oh, I was just reading that
most of the support for the w*r

of 1812 came from the south
and the mid-Atlantic states.

What do you know?

Good.

Oh, really?

As historian Norman K.

Risjord suggests there is
little validity to the theory...

Jim, it doesn't do us any
good to divide up into different

work groups if you're gonna
read that entire book out loud.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just thought that someone who had spent
the last few minutes writing crib notes

on his hand could benefit from hearing
an enlightened historical perspective.

I always write on my hand, Jim.

I've done it since the third grade.

And guess what?

I'm famous and I drive a Corvette.

People who write on their
hands go on to big things.

Yeah, Frank, you and "Señor Wences".

Come on, concentrate.

When we're on that stage
tomorrow, Oh, and that Benoit guy

calls on us, I don't want to see
any blank stares on our faces.

Like that one.

What's wrong with you?

It's starting.

That feeling in my stomach.

The clammy hands.

I always used to get it right before exams.

Some people crammed.

I purged.

Great.

We've got a vomiter on our team.

Yes, pizza.

Oh, God.

Oh, look at this.

One more minute and it
would have been a freebie.

Have you ever noticed
how that always happens?

Pizza for Mr. Montana.

That's, uh, Fontana.

I'll get it.

It's okay, Eldin, Frank got it.

Oh, okay.

Wait!

Eldin, you're just the person I need.

I have a question for you.

Now, this abstract painting is
called Nude Descending a Staircase.

Where is the nude?

Where is the staircase?

Why don't they just call it
fish eating a cheeseburger?

I mean, what is the point of it?

You want to know about art?

I can't tell you anything about art.

Oh, I could have once, but it's gone now.

Where did it go?

I don't know.

Maybe it's hiding among all those
numbers, Dow Jones averages, prime rates.

I need a little help with the tip.

I'm going to start on cash.

Money, money, money.

That's what everybody thinks they want.

I got money.

You can have money.

You need money?

I'll give you money.

I'll give you all the money.

What's your name, kid?

Uh, Larry.

Larry Barnes.

Larry Barnes.

That is a beautiful name.

Promise me.

Promise me one thing.

You won't let this ruin your life.

Yeah, okay.

Six hundred and seventy-six thousand
eight hundred and thirty-two dollars.

That's about all I've got.

And it's yours now, Larry.

Boy, this sure beats the five hundred
thousand dollar tip I got at the last house.

Look, buddy, just because I'm
wearing a funny hat doesn't mean that

I have to stand here while you
play Let's t*rture the Pizza Boy.

I didn't really have
much, but I got my dignity.

I am the ancient mariner.

And this is my albatross.

Oh, man.

I ordered extra cheese.

Does this look like extra cheese?

I can't study like this.

Well, we have to study, Frank.

And we have to win.

Because if we don't, by this time
tomorrow, every journalist we know

will be asking, how many FYI-ers
does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I want somebody to take this book,
open it to any page, and ask me a question.

What is the prominent theme explored
in Nietzsche's Thus Spake Zarathustra?

Frank, is it better to write the answers
on the palm or the back of your hand?

Here's your question in geography.

What nation calls Kigali its capital?

That would be the Republic of
Rwanda in Africa, population 6

million, currency, the Rwanda
franc, with coffee as its chief export.

You buzz in, I call on you.

That's how it works.

I was right, wasn't I?

Wasn't I?

Yes.

Stay with FYI, zoology.

The scientific classification
P. erythrorhynchos

refers to what member
of the animal kingdom?

That would be the pelican.

That is correct.

And I'd like to say hi
to my friends and family

down in Louisiana, also
known as the Pelican State.

Yes!

Again, to FYI, The Nobel
Prize is the category.

And here is your question.

Jim Dial?

Linus Pauling.

Linus Pauling is absolutely correct.

The category is Religions of the World.

The Jewish Feast of Weeks takes place seven
weeks after the second day of Passover.

By what name is this Jewish
festival commonly known?

Mr. Silverberg.

I can't think.

My mind is blank.

I'll throw the question over to Yale.

Alexis Dewar.

I'm a Presbyterian,
but I'll take a wild guess.

Is it Shavuos?

Shavuos is correct.

Yale has control.

The category is mathematics.

In the algebraic equation


x is equal to 2 and two-thirds,
what is the value of y?

Donald Kline.

Two?

That is correct.

What is he, the Rain Man?

And now, we've come to our
final question, worth 50 points.

Each team will have 10
seconds to confer on their answer,

and that answer will decide
the outcome of the game.

Yale, in the category of
foreign governments, the

country of China comprises
how many provinces?

Choke, choke, choke, choke.

Choke, choke, choke,
choke, choke, choke, choke.

Okay, that's ten seconds.

You said ten seconds and time is up.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Your answer, please, Yale.

Twenty-one.

No, it's twenty-two.

I'm sorry.

Very, very, very sorry.

Oh, too bad, too bad, too bad.

Okay, what's our question?

Come on, let's have it.

Let's go.

FYI, a correct answer
will give you the game.

Good luck.

And here is your question.

The category is architecture.

Name the architect who designed
the Pan Am building in New York City.

You have ten seconds to confer.

Piece of cake.

I know this one.

Ludwig Mies Van der Rohe.

Actually, Murphy, I think
it was Walter Gropius.

Gropius designed the Seagram's building.

No, Gropius designed the Pan Am.

Okay, let's take a vote.

Who agrees with me?

I don't mean it.

I'm right.

You always side with Jim.

I'm not gonna forget this, you know.

FYI, your answer, please.

We took a vote, but I'm
going with my original answer.

The Pan Am building was designed
by Ludwig Mies Van der Rohe.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

No.

Walter Gropius designed
the Pan Am building.

And the Yale team wins.

We have some lovely
parking gifts for our FYI team.

Personalized shoeshine
kits from Scuff Away.

The shoe Polish professionals.

Rice-a-roni, the San Francisco Chief.

And dinner for five at Black Angus.

Join us next week when
Dan Rather and the CBS

Evening News take on the
women of Smith College.

Until then, I am Dr. Wade Benoit.

Good night.

We, uh, we always make a tape of
the show for our guests to take home.

Please, don't bother.

Oh, no.

I insist.

I want you to have one.

Never have I been so humiliated.

That includes the time I interviewed
the Queen of England with my fly opened.

Let's go, everybody.

Everybody except Murphy Van Der Stupid.

Am I in the car yet?

Excuse me, Miss Brown.

Well, look who's here.

Ben from Yale.

Also known as the
University of Lucky Guessers.

No, that's not true.

You guys were hot tonight.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

And I thought your team did very well, too.

Especially considering you haven't
been in school in 30 or 40 years.

Ben, do you want to live to see graduation?

I mean... I... Oh, boy.

Now that I've made a total fool of
myself, I wanted to ask you something.

Great.

Another question.

Well, what the hell?

What do I have to lose?

Well, I'm an editor at the Yale Daily News.

And, well, I really admire what you do.

Well, my question is, when someone
keeps turning down your request

for an interview, how can you
get them to change their mind?

Oof, that's a tough one to answer, Ben.

I will tell you this.

Solzhenitsyn turned me
down half a dozen times.

It wasn't until I flew to
Russia, talked to all his old

friends, his family, his
teachers, that he finally said yes.

He was so impressed
that I'd taken the time to

do that much homework,
he decided to trust me.

That's the key, Ben.

Extra effort from the reporter
can really turn a person around.

Wow.

That's great.

No one ever teaches you that.

That's right.


not found in any book.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Oh, it's no bother.

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better now.

Come on, I'll walk you out.

You know, for what it's worth, I
thought it was Mies Van der Rohe, too.

I always get those guys confused.

It's those German names.

You know what else gets me?

Was it Kierkegaard or Schopenhauer
who was the father of existentialism?

I can never keep that straight.

Actually, that would have
been... Oh, shut up, you little snot.