02x01 - The Scrub

[bunniefuu]

Hi. You've reached Samir's
landline, which I just realized we have.

-Hi, Issa. It's Samir's mom.
-Oh, my God. Hi, Mrs. Rahman.

-I'm talking to you on your phone.
-How's the house doing?

House is great.
House is normal.

Is Samir there?
He's not answering his phone.

Oh, Samir? Samir...

Well, he's probably
FaceTiming his girlfriend.

Girl to girl, your son's ba*ls
are in an absolute headlock.

There you go.
I got an omelet for my husband.

-Watch out, okay? That plate is hot.
-Thank you.

Paul Baker.

And an omelet for my "lovesband."

-What?
-I don't know.

Uh, Anton, talk to Samir's mom.
Paul Baker, you come with me.

Lina, hi. I heard
you're in Paris.

-Where we going?
-It's season 2, Paul Baker.

-We're doing a oner.
-See you again sometime.

Okay. Bye, Austin.

-Name's Dayton.
-Dayton?

-Yeah.
-sh*t. Yeah, I knew it was a city.

I think I called him
Austin last night, though.

-Obviously, yeah.
-Okay, now what?

Okay, now I'm in the kitchen with
everybody. Say hi. Everybody, say hi.

-Hi.
-Hi, Carly.

-Now I'm getting juice.
-Ooh, a garbage strike?

Très chic. Magnifique.

-It's your parents, Samir. So take this.
-Oh, sh*t.

-Hi.
-Hi, Carly.

-Hi.
-I'm freeing you from this FaceTime.

-Thank you.
-Okay, bye.

-Sweet girl. Perfect teeth.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

-Yeah, I'll tell them.
-What?

Uh-huh.

-It's about us smoking on the roof?
-I took a shower on the lawn.

-I'm sorry.
-Tell her I'm sorry about the fire.

-Okay.
-I'm really sorry.

Okay, Mama.
All right. I love you.

-Bye.
-Bye.

The neighbors are
complaining about the crop tops.

-Oh, come on.
-That's h*m*.

Was it Doreen?
Ugh, she's just bored.

Do you have the Wi-Fi password?

You're not on the Wi-Fi?

Oh, my God. You sent feelers
out to all of these companies?

Yep. Ninety-seven of 'em.
No more temp jobs.

Mama's getting herself
a career this year.

Yes, she is.
And mama wants to be a...

"junior compliance officer"?

Mama's casting a wide net.

-You trying to make mama feel bad?
-No, mama, no.

-There we go.
-We're on?

Great. Eyes up here!
Okay, it's happening!

Oh, Samir,
the newlyweds are talking!

So, in honor of
Billie applying for jobs again...

and Issa deciding that she wants
to work more than five hours a week...

Whoo!

-It's getting dark in this mind of mine.
-Yeah.

We took the morning to
comb through your social media

for anything f*cked up
or otherwise unemployable.

And the results are shocking.

In a good way?

-No.
-In a bad way.

Very.

-Samir, sit. We're doing the scrub.
-And you are up first.

-Wait, what?
-Boom.

Jennifer Garner, I
choreographed this dance for you.

Oh. What the fu...

Don't let the election
get you down, girl.

Stop, stop.
Make it stop.

And did this work
on Jennifer Garner?

Yeah. Did she like it?

Yeah, we're dating still.
Scrub it.

Wow. Samir, if that was
on my Facebook page,

I would light myself on fire.

Well, get your matches, girl.
'Cause you're up next.

Wait, what?

Hi, guys. Today, I am going to be
ranking the top ten worst accents.

-First up, Jamaican.
-No, no.

You sound
crazy, man. Stop talking like that.

And so if you search your name,
this does come up.

Scrub it, Anton. Burn it!

You guys, I've been telling you, you have
to bury your past before it buries you.

Yeah, guys. Why didn't you just
delete your old accounts like I did?

Oh, why didn't we just...

-Come on, Billie.
-Yeah.

-Hey, Bills?
-Yeah.

-Uh, quick question.
-sh**t.

Uh, what's "Cinco de h*m*"?

-No.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, wow! Is that you?

No, no, no, no, no!

-Why didn't you just delete it?
-Why didn't you delete your Facebook?

-It's not what it looks like.
-It's never what it looks like.

-So then what is it?
-It was a themed party.

-Themed party.
-You gotta do the theme, girl.

We were combining Pride and
Cinco de Mayo into one weekend.

So, you dressed up like
a g*y little tortilla man?

What? How did you...
I deleted my account.

Right, so, it turns out deleting your
Facebook doesn't remove the photos,

but it means you can't
untag yourself from the photos.

So, I can't even scrub it?

No.

-I...
-But I just sent emails to 97 companies.

Oh, mama. It's okay,
mama. Here, come here.

Lots of companies
hire racists now. It's okay.

-You're gonna be fine.
-Don't worry.

Okay, well, it's not our fault
we got the Internet

when we were
our most horny and stupid.

-True.
-Yeah.

You're telling me that you guys
never recreated

-one Mad TV sketch in middle school?
-Yeah, I mean, sure.

But I have a real job, so I have
to, like, scrub once a month.

Mmm, yeah, and I never had
social media, so...

-True. That's canon.
-Mmm.

Oh, sorry
that's the restaurant calling.

Got to take this. Sorry, guys.

-Why can't we all be like Paul Baker?
-He's like a digital virgin.

I know. His heart is so pure.

It's like
untouched country snow.

Yo! What's good, biggest bros?

-Yo! Baker!
-What's sloppy, toppy?

-Wait, what?
-Who's Baker?

Yo, not much. Just taking
the fattest sh*t of my life.

This is now, right?
This is happening now.

Yo, Baker. You gotta get that
cute little boy b-hole down here.

We're going psycho
on some beef water.

-Come through, baby!
-Baker!

All right, bro.
I'll slide, bro. I'll slide.

I'm trying to go horsey
on some liquid shrimps!

Issa, did
you choke him too hard?

-Show us your poo.
-Show us the poo.

Show us the poo.

-Boom!
-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Who are these men?

I didn't even know
he hung out with men.

Okay, we'll see you soon.

Show us your d*ck
and we'll order you food.

k*ll yourselves. Bye, guys.

Ugh.
Sorry, that was my boss.

She needs me to cover a shift.

But I'll see you guys
tonight for Bananagrams?

-Sounds good.
-Okay.

-Kisses. Love you guys.
-Love you.

-Follow him. Follow him, follow him now.
-Yeah, yeah.

Go, go, go.

Oh, my God.
He's not going to work.

Oh, my God!

Grab my shoes.
Wait, no, don't grab my shoes.

I'm wearing my f*cking slippers!

At number nine
worst accent is Japanese.

Oh, my... Just turn it off.

What the hell
is this place?

-I just... I don't get it.
-I know.

-Who were those guys?
-I don't know.

And why was
Paul Baker talking like that?

Big bro, look what you...

He never talks to me like that.

My whole thing is, like, I don't get
why he'd hide something from me.

-Like, I'm his girlfriend.
-Yeah, and I'm his best friend.

So, if he can lie about this,
what else is he lying about?

Oh, no!

This is a nightmare. I'll be
unemployed for the rest of my life.

Billie, relax.

If it makes you feel any better,

Issa dressed up as Michael
Jackson eight Halloweens in a row.

She went
both darker and lighter.

-You're gonna be fine, okay?
-You have to help me.

-Me? No.
-Yes. Please.

Bills, I'm running on, like,
nine hours of sleep here.

-I'm crashing.
-You have to help me. Please.

You are the Scrub Daddy.

No. That's a sponge
that got famous on Shark Tank.

Okay, you're the Scrub King.

And I am but a humble,
unemployed white girl

who wrote "mucho gayo"
on her chest at age 15.

-Why'd you do that?
-I don't know.

Help me.

-Fine.
-Thank you.

Who uploaded it?

Uh, Danielle Walters, but I
haven't spoken to her in years.

-Wait, that's her?
-Yeah.

Oh, my God. This is, like,
mutually-assured destruction.

Just call her
and ask her to delete it.

-Just call her? Okay.
-Yeah, just call her.

It's ringing.

Yeah, great.

Hello.

Hi, is... is this Danielle?

No, this hasn't been
Danielle's number for awhile.

What?

What do you mean
this isn't her number anymore?

Wow, Danielle really wanted
to save Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Why is there
a candle next to her name?

-What?
-I'm really sorry.

-Oh, my God. She died.
-I know. I know that too now.

-Anton, she fully died.
-Her cover photo is a psalm.

Oh, my God.

Poor Danielle.

It's so sad.

But what do we do
about the picture?

Ay dios mío.

Yo, dude. You're right. It is low-key
way funnier if the butthole's a mouth.

Right? Wait till I do his ba*ls.
It's gonna really come together.

Thing is overflowing.
I don't really know what...

Oh, sh*t!

Yo, my boys
are locked the f*ck in.

Bro's Leonardo da Bussy
over here.

Yo,
Baker! Check this out, bro.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, yo, d-bell's
going cuckoo. One second.

Yo, Baker.
You going cuckoo for this D?

Your mom was going cuckoo
for my D last night, bro.

Oh!

He was f*cking your mom
and your mom was like, "Yeah!"

She was just slurping it. She's
slurping my ba*ls. I'm gonna...

Oh, my God.

-Uh, what are you guys doing here?
-What are we doing here?

What are you doing here,
Paul Baker?

-I'm, uh, I was...
-Slide back, Papa Johnson.

We're gonna make
his ba*ls look smooth!

Paul Baker?

I'm sliding, twin! Yeah, I'm sliding.
That's crazy. Nah, the lore's crazy.

The lore's way too strong.
It's way too strong.

Guys, I can explain.

-Can you?
-Please.

This is my other friend group.

-Your other friend group?
-Sorry...

It worked, "c*ck."
His ba*ls look perfect.

That's crazy, Twinothy.
That's crazy.

Nah, that's crazy, bro. You
got me cackling off my a*s...

-Stop!
-Please go home.

Please go home, guys. I don't
want you seeing me like this.

Come home.

Come home. Hey, slide back, big
bro! We're gonna test if we got epilepsy!

Hey, slide back, big bro!
We're gonna test if we got epilepsy!

-Why would you test that?
-I'm sliding, pimp!

-Strobe's coming on...
-Why would you...

-I'm sliding, pimp.
-Coming on in three, two, one.

Stop, stop, stop.

I have it! I have it! Stop!

Stop, stop, I have it.

Hmm. "Decorative use only."
Hmm, for soup.

Oh, Anton, Anton, that's her.
That's Danielle's mom.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna sh*t myself.
I'm gonna sh*t myself on my nice coat.

Okay. Shh. Breathe, Billie.

Just like you practiced, at me,
the entire train ride here.

-Let's go.
-Okay.

-Get anything. Grab it.
-The hat? Right.

No, we don't carry that.
Thank you.

-Hi. Just this hat, please.
-Okay.

Wait, Mrs. Walters?

-Yeah.
-It's Billie.

Danielle's friend.

-Oh, my God, Billie Schaeffer!
-Yeah.

Ugh, I was so sad to hear
about Danielle's passing.

-I know.
-I am so sorry for your loss.

-But...
-Oh, my God.

Um, I was actually looking at photos
the other day, uh, from high school,

and I found this photo of
Danielle and me at this party.

-Cinco de h*m*!
-Uh... Ci-Cinco de, uh...

-Yeah, um, but you know, I was...
-I remember that night!

You had the moustaches
and the maracas.

-Oh, maracas?
-Oh! And remember the lisp?

-No.
-That lisp that you put on?

So it was "Thinco de h*m*." "Thinco."

Was it a g*y lisp,
or was it a Spanish lisp?

-Both.
-Both. That's why it was so clever.

That's hilarious.

Billie, you didn't tell me
about the lisp.

They were so creative
and so interesting, it's...

Oh... Oh.

It's just
a little hard sometimes.

A-Arlene, I'm coming around.

-It's okay. Thank you, dear.
-Anton.

-She's in mourning.
-You know what? It's happy tears.

I worry the memories
are getting fuzzy,

-and you brought back the memory for me.
-You did that.

-Good.
-And you know what?

We're always gonna have
that g*y... g*y noche.

-Yes.
-Whew!

I can't, Billie.
There's nothing I can do.

Okay. That'll be 68.88.

-Oh.
-Probably, like, 1,200 in pesos, huh?

Oh. Laughing through the grief?

-Oh, my God, she's Joan Rivers.
-Yeah.

I'm gonna be honest, it's
the hardest scrub of my life.

And I got Fox to pull my entire
season of MasterChef Junior.

Anton, every company will do a
Google search and they'll find it.

No, they won't.

They have to scroll past so
many photos of you at Six Flags,

it's truly a firewall.

Oh, hey. How'd it go?

How did it go with what?
With our betrayal?

With...
With our great big betrayal?

Good, I feel very betrayed.

You guys, Paul Baker
has a whole other friend group.

-Wait, what?
-It was crazy.

That was not the same guy who asked to
borrow my blouse to go to a MUNA concert.

What does that group
have we don't have?

-Nothing. Nothing.
-Those guys?

-I mean, like, our chemistry is electric.
-It's amazing.

-We're diverse as a f*ck' brochure.
-Yeah.

Yeah. We have almost
one of every one.

Also, I'm Paul Baker's
straight friend.

Yeah. Boys like us, we have one straight
friend, and-and he's mine, and I'm his.

-He-He's fluid.
-He's fluid.

-He's fluid, yeah.
-Whose side are you guys on?

-Oh, hoo!
-Wow!

Speak of the devil, and he
shall appear, he shall, he shall!

So... I'm-I'm sorry, okay? I-I
didn't want you to find out that way.

Well, we did. We found out all
about your double life, Mrs. Doubtfire!

-I never seen it.
-Me neither. Is it a movie?

Just... Why did you lie?
Are you embarrassed of us?

What? No. I-I-I lied because
I'm embarrassed of them!

Look, those guys were my
first friends in New York. Okay?

And we'd go out, and we'd drink and
bet on sports and whip our dicks out,

and, like, rank each others' shits based
on, actually, a really complex system.

-So what, you don't like them?
-No, that's not it at all.

I f*ck' love those guys.

My heart, ladies and gentlemen.

-My heart!
-Look.

Those guys took me in
during a really lonely time.

Okay? But then I met you guys.

And you guys talk about your
feelings and give each other advice,

and, like, vote.

And ever since then, I've been terrified
of you guys finding out about them.

-Okay? They're like my... you know, like...
-Oh!

-They're your shame friends.
-What?

It's like the group of friends
you've had forever

who you can act
completely f*cked around,

who you, like,
still use the R word with.

-Yes. Exactly.
-It's like Billie's friend Onnika.

What? I'm not
ashamed of Onnika.

-Oh, really?
-Wait, no.

We cannot have shame or secrets
in our relationship, Paul Baker.

-I know.
-Secrets rot relationships.

Like, why do you think
my dad had so many affairs?

-Why?
-'Cause my mom kept secrets.

-No, Issa.
-No, Iss.

-There's only one solution.
-I agree.

-You gotta cut them out...
-I'm inviting them over.

-No. No.
-No.

Yes, yes, yes. You have
to let us in, Paul Baker.

No, no, no, Iss, Iss, you will
not look at me the same way.

The two worlds cannot collide.

They already have.

Oh, my God,
she commented.

-Anton, she commented.
-Wait, what?

"It was so great seeing you today.
Such beautiful memories. Ay caramba."

She bumped it
to the top of the feed.

The Six Flags firewall
has fallen.

Wow.

[objects Is this enough food? I
feel like they eat so much food.

I don't get why
we have to do this.

Samir, we have to show Paul Baker
that he can be his full self around us.

Otherwise, like, where do you think he's
gonna go next time he wants to play Mario?

-Get that name out of your mouth.
-I'm telling you.

You have to be concerned
about these things.

-Oh, my God.
-Hi! We're here for lunch.

-Hi, boys. Hi.
-Here they are. Here they a...

-Easy, easy.
-Hello, ma'am.

Thank you for having us
to your lovely home.

-Good. Nice.
-Mmm.

Thank you, ma'am.

-We got this for you as a sign...
-Project.

We got this for you as a
sign of respect for your culture.

Now smile.

Tuck in your shirt.

g*y flowers, nice.

So... Oh.

What's going on?

Let's eat! Huh?
Let's go. You look gorgeous.

Look at you.

Pardon me, Issa, would you pass
the beans, please?

-Sure. Black or pinto?
-Um, bla...

What? What are you...
What are you trying to say?

-Bla... Bla...
-Do not say it. Do not...

-Bla...
-Black?

-You can say black.
-Bla...

-You can say...
-You can say black.

-Ebony. Ebony.
-Blergh.

Black. You can say black beans.

Pinto. Pinto.

Oh, by the way, I love Hanukkah.

I wish there was more nights.

Oh, I'm-I'm not Jewish,
actually. I'm Muslim.

Oh.

Well, I'm a big fan of, uh...

What?

Jafar.

f*ck.

Jafar from Aladdin?

Nice. Princess Jasmine
gave me my first b*ner.

You're the most Jewish-looking
Muslim guy I've ever seen.

Chips are good.
Oh, my God. Pass the guac.

Oh, my God. You know what
I wanna know about?

What was Baker like when he first
moved to New York? I'm so curious.

You have any crazy stories
about Baker?

He was very, um...

-punctual.
-Mmm.

-And on time.
-Same thing.

-And he never f*cked a couch.
-What?

Stop. Shut the f*ck up.

Okay. I think
we all need to just relax.

I think we need to be
ourselves. This is a safe...

I have mental health!
I have it!

-You said the quiet part out loud.
-Mm-hmm.

Paul Baker, can I talk to you
in the kitchen, please?

Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

I... 'Cause...

-Hey.
-Why are they acting like that?

What did you say to them?

-Like what? Like perfect gentlemen?
-No, Paul Baker.

They look like chimpanzees k*lled a bus
full of people and took all their clothes.

Before we sat down, Roach asked
me if I identified as who or whom.

Cynthia Erivo. That's it.
That's the whole sentence.

-Okay, Iss, I just wanted this to go well.
-By tricking me?

No, I just thought you could
meet them all once now.

Then again on my 30th. And who knows,
by then they'll probably all be dead.

Oh, my God. You are still
not letting us in.

Paul Baker, I can handle
your shame friends.

Issa, trust me, you can't.

-I can't?
-Issa.

-I can't?
-No, actually, though, you can't.

-Oh.
-Issa, no. Issa, please. Please stop.

-I can't.
-Don't. Just actually stop, please, Issa.

-Issa.
-Yo, kings! Bros, bros, bros!

Who wants to f*cking darty?

Yeah!

-Yes. Oh!
-b*tch, f*ck that!

Hey, Baker.

-Honey, you were making a joke.
-And you're logged in?

-No, I know, Arlene. I know.
-It was funny.

I know, but I'm telling you, it's
what Danielle would have wanted.

Tell her I'm wearing the hat.

No, she'll love the hat.

Hi, boys. We're playing
beer pong over here.

-I'm logged in.
-Great. Yes, okay.

So, you're gonna wanna click
the three dots, then click delete.

-There, I did it.
-So, she just commented the word "delete."

Okay, so, Arlene, you just
commented the word "delete."

-Finish it!
-Yes, yes, yes!

Roach, Roach.
Don't piss in that plant, dude.

Your girlfriend said I could.

Baker's like, "Please, don't
piss in the plant, please."

Hey, Baker. Your friend wants
to paint a mustache on my face.

-I think I'm gonna let him.
-Do it! Do it! Do it!

-Do not let him.
-She's my muse.

That paintbrush
has been places.

-I f*cking hate these guys.
-Samir, just give in. Stop resisting.

Slide back, foot munch.

Shout the name of a random
male celebrity. They'll love it.

-Kevin James.
-Kevin James!

Yeah, my cousin's
this kind of straight.

Gerard Butler, y'all.

Gerard Butler!

You're a psycho, dude. They're
foaming at the mouth out there.

-I can't deal with this.
-Okay, okay.

Arlene, hi.
I'm wearing the hat.

Okay, um,
three dots, delete, my love.

-Oh, so, now it's her profile picture.
-No.

Oh, and now it's her profile
picture with the Ukrainian flag.

-I stand with Ukraine.
-Three dots, delete, Arlene!

Three dots, delete!

Yo, I can just flag that
internally for you, if you want.

What?

I work at Facebook.
I could have my team do it.

-You work at Facebook?
-You have a team?

Yeah, why?
Is that, like, surprising?

Bro.

No, uh, that-that
would be amazing.

Sweet, bet. But can you
do something for me first?

-Um...
-You like art, right?

[friends s Paul Baker, Roach
just taught me how to dap.

Watch.

-Tobey Maguire.
-Tobey Maguire!

What's wrong?

Anton, do you think
I'm a piece of sh*t?

-What? No.
-Really?

I think a piece of you
is shitty.

Which is, like,
honestly a relief.

It's like when we found out
Obama smokes cigs.

-Hit it!
-Samir! Samir! Samir! Samir!

We're the boys!

See, Baker, you're the only one
not being yourself!

They love him.

-Ow! Cut it out!
-Samir! Samir! Samir!

-Stop.
-They're k*lling him!

Oh, sh*t. Hey, hey!

Samir! Samir!

Paul Baker!

What the hell?

-I hate them, Paul Baker. I hate them.
-I know. I know.

-Make them leave.
-Okay, okay.

Hey, yo!

Holy f*ck' sh*t, boys. Lock
the f*ck in for me right now.

For the love of f*ck!

It's him.

If I don't see four f*cking
teeny weeny little B sacks

carving straight tires
out this b*tch,

I'm gonna start going horsey
neigh neigh on all this sh*t.

Comprende?

-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's our bad, dude.

I got a pressy tomorrow, but,
uh, P.F. Chang's next week?

-Yes, sir.
-Gotta take a deposition tomorrow morning.

Good luck, man. Have fun.

-Wait, do you all have amazing jobs?
-Nah, I'm a teacher.

Love you. Deuces, big bros.

Paul Baker,
I'm so sorry. That was...

-Went too far. I didn't mean for...
-No, no, no, Iss.

No, you were right about
the secret. No more secrets.

All right, from now on,
it's Paul Baker,

with just a little bit of Baker.

-Okay? Okay.
-Okay. Thank you.

-And one day, you'll meet Paul.
-Wait, who's Paul?

-You weren't lying. You're an artist.
-Thank you.

Guys, uh, mama, uh,
got her photo scrubbed.

Ooh.

What?

Happy Cinco de h*m*.

Bills...

-And got it.
-No, no, no, no!

♪♪ You can find me
At the front left speaker ♪♪

♪♪ Find me
At the front left speaker ♪♪

This story is about the very
first time that I ever saw porn.

p*rn*graphy, p*rn*graphy,
a porno,

an adult movie, erotica,
"a girly magazine."

So, I love tribal print.
I love it.

And this is a tribal top I got,
and if you haven't noticed,

I love things that don't have sleeves
because I like my arms to be free.

We're in Saint-Tropez.

Just Saint-Tropez.
Oh, beautiful.

♪♪ You can find me
At the front left speaker ♪♪

♪♪ Find me
At the front left speaker ♪♪

♪♪ Find me At the front left speaker
♪♪ -♪♪ Girl, where are you? ♪♪

♪♪ Find me
At the front left speaker ♪♪

♪♪ Girl, where you at, though? ♪♪

♪♪ Call me back ♪♪

♪♪ Call me back ♪♪