02x04 - Raccoon

[bunniefuu]

Can you turn down the
photo of my grandpa, please?

Yep.

Boys and girls of Bayside,
Queens, welcome to acid night.

-Thank you.
-Here we go.

Tonight, we will be watching
Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Oh!

Synced up with Green Day's album
Warning, because together they time out

perfectly to tell the story of
the human condition.

-So true.
-Totally.

Now, it is very important before
dropping acid to set an intention.

For instance, my intention tonight
is to see beauty in the mundane.

-Oh...
-And if there is time,

see my mother as more of a
person and less of a symbol. Issa.

My intention is to understand
the stock market once and for all.

-Billie.
-Uh, okay.

I am hoping to finally process
my parents' divorce.

Oh. From 14 years ago?

I didn't have time back then.
Model UN was all or nothing.

-Mmm.
-My intention is just to enjoy.

-Oh.
-And to convince Samir to do acid with us.

-No. No. I...
-Yes. Could you, please?

Because again, Samir,
we do not need a trip sitter.

-No, I can't. I can't do acid.
-Why?

Because last time I did acid,
a photograph was sent.

-What?
-He sent a d*ck pic.

-Okay.
-To his aunt.

No!

-Dude!
-It's fine.

The d*ck just happened
to be in the background. It...

It was a feet pic, mostly.

I'ma set the timer for you guys.

Okay. Hey,
for 30 minutes, please.

-Okay.
-Timer, Samir, not cook time.

I know.

-sh*t.
-Okay.

Get ready for a night
of clarity and bliss.

-Trip commences in T-minus 30.
-I'm so excited.

Okay. Okay, okay. Ready?

-Okay, three, two, one.
-One, two, three.

Did anyone else just see that?

-Yep.
-Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.
-I saw it.

That was real. Mm-hmm.

Guys, listen up. Okay, in 27
minutes, we will be tripping ba*ls,

and there cannot be
a raccoon in this house.

-Okay?
-Yeah.

-We will freak the f*ck out.
-I am freaking out.

-That's like acid-DEFCON 1.
-Totally.

Billie and I will start
by retracing its steps.

And I think I saw it
come in from over here.

-Go get it.
-Okay, great.

-Go get it. -Okay, great.
-Good luck, girls. -Okay.

-Good luck, girls.
-Okay.

I'm gonna get the broom.
Can you just watch my pie?

-I baked this.
-And then...

You put on the pads
and you go get him.

-Sorry? No.
-But you're the trip sitter.

-Dude, that's not what a trip sitter does.
-We're high right now!

-We're all equally not high right now.
-But soon.

I don't think it came
in this way.

No, no, stop thinking
about that. I lied.

-What?
-About my intention.

I don't care about the stock
market, and I never, ever will.

-Okay.
-My real intention tonight is to...

...have a talk
with Paul Baker.

Oh. Oh, oh, like a...

-like a capital T-talk?
-Yes, capital T.

-Helvetica Bold, yes.
-Wait, why?

Because we're in a funk.

Every time we are alone together,
it is so weird and, like, forced.

And I just thought we could
do some acid together

and, like, really let our walls down,
like we did on our trip to Maine.

-Wait, Maine, wasn't that when you...
-Pegged him? Yeah.

Walls down.

And you guys want me
to catch it. But then what?

-Raccoons have hands, you know?
-Yeah.

So, then it's just hand to
hand. It's like best man wins...

Hey, hey, can I tell you
something? I lied, okay?

My intention isn't
to find beauty in the mundane.

That comes easy to me, okay?
I wanna have a talk with Issa.

-What?
-Yeah.

A talk about what?

Dude, things have just been
off with us lately.

You know, and relationship
talks, dude, I'm so bad at them.

I get, like, nervous and clammy. I
end every sentence with "Yes, queen."

-That's bad.
-I know it's bad.

It's horrible. It's outdated.

And so, I just thought the acid
could, you know, put us at ease,

help us work through it.

-Yeah. Okay.
-Mm-hmm.

-You think it'll be fine though, right?
-Well, I mean, yeah, I hope so.

Dude, she's brought
so much good to my life.

Queens, multivitamins.

And she brought me
my little broman baby boy.

-Let's keep this between us, okay?
-Yeah.

Just until I talk to Issa.

What are
you two whispering about?

-The raccoon.
-There's a racoon in the house, yeah.

-Mmm.
-Oh, okay, good, smart.

'Cause if we whisper, it
won't be able to hear our plan.

-Yes.
-Okay.

-Okay, trip sitter, you're up.
-Yes.

-Time to catch it.
-No.

-You wanted this.
-No. Why do I... No.

You said you were
a trip sitter. Here we go.

Call animal control. There's
a whole department for this.

No, Samy, I don't wanna be
tripping in front of city officials.

Hey, guys, can I just...
Can I say it?

I think we should just,
you know...

-Uh-oh.
-What?

Put it out of its misery.

-You know, Old Yeller.
-Oh, my God! No!

Never seen it, but no.

Oh, I'd feel so bad.

If we are gonna k*ll it,

we need to at least give it,
like, one last amazing night.

k*ll it! k*ll it! k*ll it!

-No! No!
-I mean it.

-Go and k*ll it!
-Samir, it's time.

No! f*ck this!

What are you doing?

-Yeah.
-No!

-No!
-No, no, no.

-Samir, don't do that.
-This is all our problem now.

-Yeah, no!
-Samir!

Oh, my God.

Dude, that is, like,
so much more than we took.

What?

It goes in,
boom, trapped.

Hmm, I just feel like
we need a thicker heel.

Hey, uh, just
between us, I think maybe we should

give Issa and Paul Baker
some space tonight, you know?

Oh, for their talk.

What? How did you know
Issa wants to have a talk?

Wait, Issa wants
to have a talk too?

Paul Baker wants to have a talk?

-No.
-Hmm?

Yes. No, no, no. What?

Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God, this is
so much worse than I thought.

-What? Why?
-This is science camp all over again.

Oh, my... No, Billie.
Stop, okay?

Your parents did not get divorced
because you went to science camp.

Yes, they did, Samir. I was the glue,
and then I went to make model rockets

in rural Pennsylvania, and when
I got back, they were separated.

How is that like this?

'Cause I've been MIA. I've been
MIA. I've been going on dates,

and I've been on the job hunt, and,
apparently, I've left you guys clueless.

-Hey, guys.
-Anton.

Are you guys talking about me?

-No. No.
-No.

I heard my name,
so did I do something?

-No, I don't think we... No. I...
-Did we say his name?

Well, you're all whispering, so
just tell me, is it a bathroom thing?

No, could never be that.

You're perfect in the bathroom.

Okay. I'm leaving.

But I remain skeptical.

Okay, whatever we do,
we cannot tell Anton, okay?

He has an insanely guilty
conscience, and he will get involved.

No, obviously. Issa and
Paul Baker are grown-ups.

-They're grown-ups!
-And they can figure this out themselves.

Yes, no futzing.

-No.
-Okay?

'Cause we are a group
that historically has futzed.

Our futzing has sunk
many a surprise party.

But we're not gonna futz.

-No.
-Nope, not this time.

Not tonight.

No futzing.

Issa, hey.

-Dude.
-Yeah?

Don't say I said anything,
but Issa wants to talk to you.

Paul Baker actually
wants to talk to you tonight.

-What?
-She wants to talk with me?

-Yeah.
-About what?

What could
he possibly wanna talk about?

I'm making one last meal
for the raccoon. Stay on track.

Do you think he's ending things?

No. D-Do you?

Oh, my God, wait, remember

-what Paul Baker said about the raccoon?
-What?

How the right thing to do would
be to put it out of its misery?

Billie, I'm the raccoon.

No.

Paul Baker is gonna put me
out of my misery. Oh, my God.

Oh, he's breaking up with me.

Dude, what if this is bad?

Why is this happening?

Things just started going well for me.
I have a girlfriend. I have a best friend.

Yeah, I can't lose him.

He's, like...
He's my whole routine.

-Like, he's, like... He's my-my thing.
-Issa.

Why can't things just stay...
stay the way they are?

-Yeah.
-Issa, stop, stop.

You are Issa f*cking Damani.

Mm-hmm.

And you don't go down
without a fight.

-Get my sex dress.
-That's my girl.

-It's on my dresser. It's damp.
-Okay. What?

Okay.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-What's up?
-Nothing.

Chilling.

-Did you futz?
-What? No. No.

-No, we said no futzing. Did you futz?
-No.

-Great. Love you.
-Great. Love you.

And remember, don't tell Anton.

Hey, man.

I know what
you're all whispering about.

-You do?
-Mm-hmm.

I figured it out.

You think I let
the raccoon in, don't you?

-Oh...
-But I didn't, Samir.

It was not me, okay? So you
can all stop talking about it.

Okay. Yeah, we'll-we'll stop...

It was me. It was me.

I let the raccoon in.

But I didn't know there
were raccoons in the area.

-Like, what?
-You're fine.

I knew that there were
raccoons in the area.

I knew that. That's a fact
that I knew. Okay?

-But I didn't leave food out.
-Nobody said that you left food out.

I put my pie on the windowsill,
and then I opened the window.

But it's not my fault, Samir.
That's how you cool a pie.

-It was hot.
-Hey, you're fine.

-You're okay. You're okay.
-It's how you cool a pie.

I promise you're fine.

This raccoon
is tearing us apart.

Stop.

-When you freak out...
-I'm not...

You-Your body tensed, and
then I thought it was there.

-Okay, well, I'm tense.
-Anton, I'm using your pie as bait.

-What? No.
-Sorry.

You haven't even tried it.

Anton,
enough with the pie.

-Is it up there?
-No, it's not up there.

-Hey.
-Whoa.

-What's going on there?
-I don't know.

Where'd you get all the jewelry?

-Oh, this?
-Yeah.

I just happened upon it
in Samir's mom's safe.

Is that a locket
with a baby photo of Samir?

-That depends. Do you like it?
-What? What?

-Issa. Issa. Issa.
-Issa. Issa. Issa!

-Not now. Not now!
-What?

Look down. Down!

-Anton?
-No, not at you. Down!

Oh, sh*t!

Guys, guys, guys,
it's staring in my soul.

It's looking at me.
It's looking inside of me.

Wait, I think it...
I think it likes the shiny...

-Yeah.
-What do I do? What do I do?

I think it likes your necklaces.

-Are you sure?
-Issa, Issa.

-Lure it. Lure it. Don't worry, he's...
-Oh.

Oh, okay.

-You got this.
-Yes.

Hey.

-Good.
-Nice. Yes, yes!

Great, yes!

-Good shake. Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here you come, all the way out.

-Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do, big boy.
-Yes!

Oh, it's working. That's great.
Yes. Oh, my God! He's there.

-He's there. You got it!
-It's working. It's working.

-Issa, you're a genius.
-Nice! Nice!

-Oh, my God.
-You want me?

-Get back in!
-You can't have me.

-Yes!
-Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm a sex symbol!

Aw. Thank you...

It evolved! It evolved!

What the f*ck is that?

Close the door.

-Oh, m*therf*cker!
-No!

-f*ck!
-How did they all hear about this house?

What was that, man?
She had her sex dress on.

She was trying to have sex with me.
Why would she want to f*ck me right now?

I don't know.
I don't know, okay.

People act out in emergencies.

She's scared.
The raccoon's scared.

I-I don't even know
how the possum's feeling.

Wait, uh, what was she saying
before about the raccoon?

-Yeah.
-How she wanted to give it

-one last big night?
-Yeah.

sh*t in hell, dude,
she's breaking up with me.

-Yes.
-No, no.

-No.
-Samy, I'm the raccoon.

She wants to give me one
last hurrah. It's a metaphor.

-No.
-Yes.

Wow. What-What-What
is going through her head?

She think I only care about sex?

Okay. Then-Then, hey,
we reject the hurrah, right?

We slide the hurrah

-right back across the table.
-You can do that?

We remind her that you
want more than just sex.

We remind her that you want more than
just sex. I do want more than just sex.

I do want more than just sex.

-Great.
-I don't know how to say that to her, man.

That's the relationship sh*t
I f*cking suck at.

Okay, maybe, maybe,
maybe you don't say anything.

Maybe you just
need a grand gesture.

Hmm. Yeah, I'll rip off f*cking
Love Actually,

and then she'll dump me
for being corny.

-Yeah, dude.
-Unless...

She's never seen it.

Mmm!

Dude, you're so smart!
You're so smart!

Okay. Okay.

-Issa.
-Yeah?

-Can you, um, get the door, please?
-What? No. You get the door.

-But, please?
-What?

-Issa, just get the door, like, what?
-I... I always get the door.

Okay, well, I always
build the traps, like...

-♪♪ Silent night... ♪♪
-Oh.

Why... Why are you out... Oh.

Oh, my God.

There it is. Okay.

-Issa, who's at the door?
-Um, it's animal control.

Great. Okay, bring 'em in.
The raccoon's right here.

"Things feel crazy right now."

I know. There's so many animals
in the house.

Issa, what's taking so long?
Bring them in.

Issa,
he's looking directly at me.

-Let's go!
-Why are you subtitled?

It's getting on the table.
It's getting on the table.

Oh, it's going... It's going to
the pie. Eat the pie. Eat the pie.

It-It's flaky and-and yummy. I
baked that. I baked that for you.

-Yes, I did. Buttery flaky crust.
-Get the basket.

-You will love it.
-Get the...

Eat the pie. Yes,
it's crumbly and delicious.

-It's... What is it doing?
-No.

-No, don't eat that. No.
-Oh, God.

-What is it doing? It'll eat the acid.
-No.

It's eating the acid.

-No. No. No!
-It is eating the acid!

Oh, my God.

Grab it! Grab it! Grab it.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

"I don't just want
to have sex with you."

-Oh, my God, it's chewing through!
-What?

-It's chewing through!
-I can feel its heartbeat!

Oh, my God!

What do I do? What
do I do? Its nails! I feel its nails!

-What?
-No.

-What the f*ck?
-Iss. It's from a movie!

Issa, where is animal control?

I sent them home!

-What?
-Bear down.

-Oh, I can feel its heartbeat!
-Bear down, Anton.

-B-E-A-R or B-A-R?
-B-A-R,

Or... f*ck... B-R... f*ck.

Either way, I don't
know what it means, Samir.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just think it's crazy that I literally
asked what "bear down" means

and people were just, like,
yelling at me.

-I really thought you knew.
-No, and I know most terms.

-Okay. I'm gonna get you tissues.
-Yeah.

Like I minored
in English lit, okay?

-Like, I'm really smart.
-I know, I was there.

Aw.

What happened?

He dumped me.

-No.
-On giant paper.

He just doesn't wanna have sex with me.

Which is the meanest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Wait, Iss, did you read this?

"I don't just wanna have sex with you."

-Please... Please, please.
-No, Issa.

"I don't just want
to have sex with you."

I don't think
he's dumping you. I...

I think he's asking
to open the relationship.

Wait, what?

I mean it's not...

But why-why would he wanna have
an open relationship.

The raccoon is
in big trouble.

Did the raccoon explain
its, uh, point of view?

Oh, the raccoon tried.

Yeah, but then
the raccoon made it worse.

Oh. Dude, I don't know why the
raccoon can't do anything right!

I got you tissues.

So am I
the f*cking raccoon or what?

-Oh, my God. What?
-Whoa! No!

Then what the hell have you all
been whispering about all night?

Oh, my God! Billie, Billie,
you have to tell him.

-Just tell me.
-He's losing his mind.

-Tell me.
-Okay, fine.

Issa and Paul Baker
each planned this whole night

so that they could have a...

talk.

Oh.

-Like a talk, talk?
-Yeah.

-Is it bad?
-I don't know. But look at me.

You cannot futz.

We've known all night and we've
both resisted the urge to futz.

-Mm-hmm.
-So, you should be like us.

I'm obviously not gonna futz,
you guys. When have I futzed?

I'm not futzing.

I'm just so tired.
Do you know what I mean?

-I'm falling asleep.
-Yeah.

I just want to be,
like, snuggly watching

moms restocking their pantries
on TikTok when the acid hits.

-That sounds nice, yeah.
-Are you gonna be mad?

-No, no.
-Okay.

You go, we'll-we'll take care
of the animals.

Okay. Thanks, guys.

-I love you.
-Love you.

-Love you.
-Thanks for the tissues.

Sorry.

-Um, hi. Uh, can-can we talk real quick?
-Yeah, what's up?

Are you and Issa okay?

Uh, yeah, why? What'd you hear?

Nothing. I heard nothing.

I'm just... I don't want you guys,
like, rushing into any decisions.

-Rushing to what decisions?
-Paul Baker?

I just don't want anything
to be my fault.

It's not gonna be
your fault. You're okay.

Oh, my God!

Okay, cool.

You don't just...

wanna have sex with me?

Yeah.

Great.

So do it then.

-What?
-I'm sorry, what? What?

Come on, it's clear that there is
something going on with you guys.

It's fine.

I know.

So you guys can just like...

get it out of your systems.

Issa, we don't need
to get it out of our systems.

-There's nothing in our systems.
-Okay, prove it.

Kiss.

I don't know what
you want right now.

Issa, look at me.
You're being crazy.

What? No, I'm not. You
literally have done it before.

-Not a big deal.
-This is weird.

-This isn't weird. You're being weird.
-I don't think it's me.

-You're the one who barged in.
-Like, if you would do it before then not.

-Okay, fine. Guys, fine. Fine.
-You're the one that walked in here...

Okay, can we talk now, please?

Whoa!

We don't need to talk.

I just want to be a part of it.

Is this really what
you want, Iss?

This isn't about me.

This is about you.

Okay, now, also me.
Also... Yes.

Don't be mad.

I may have futzed a little.

-Samir.
-I know.

-Okay, yeah, fine. I futzed too.
-Billie.

What? Okay, look, if Paul Baker
wanted to open the relationship,

-he should have just said so.
-What?

I mean, I'm not sure that it's
something she'll go for, but it's Issa,

-she won't...
-Wait. Wait. Wait.

Paul Baker does not want
to open the relationship.

Why do you think that?

Uh, because of the giant card
that he wrote her that said,

"I don't just want
to have sex with you."

No. No, no, no, no.

It said, "I don't just want
to have sex with you."

Yeah, that's what I said. I said, "I
don't just want to have sex with you,"

meaning he wants to have sex
with other people.

No, no. Oh, my God.

"I don't just want to have sex with you,"
meaning he wants more than just sex.

No. The emphasis was
on the "you."

No, the emphasis was
on the "just."

-Okay.
-Okay.

Now, you and me.

Us? Really?

-Mm-hmm. Mmm.
-Mmm.

Get in here.

-Is that my lip gloss?
-Shh. Be present.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Paul
Baker, stop.

Your nails.

-Hey, hey, guys. Whoa. Whoa.
-Guys. Oh. Whoa, whoa.

No!

Oh, my God! I'm seeing this
for the first time just now!

Window! Window!

-Get it out!
-Close it. Close it. Close it.

Why do they all want me?

Why the f*ck were you
having a threesome on my bed?

Because she wanted
to break up with me.

Paul Baker wants
to open the relationship.

What? I don't wanna
open the relationship.

I wasn't breaking up with you.

Why?

-Yeah, uh, so we may have futzed.
-We futzed.

Just a little bit.

Okay. Okay.

-We need to talk.
-Yeah.

-Yeah. Should we sit?
-We do.

-I think it's best if...
-No.

We...

need to talk.

Yeah.

I mean,
technically it was a foursome.

Can we not, please?

I'm just saying.

Why would I wanna be open?

Because we haven't
been connecting

and we have to try, like, so hard
anytime we're alone together and...

Hmm.

Why did you think
I wanted to break up with you?

You've just seemed
so unhappy lately.

Like you don't trust me.

'Cause we almost just f*cked
a giant rat thing

'cause we don't know how to
have a conversation with each other.

All-All compelling reasons,
yeah.

Yeah.

Is everything okay?

Totally.

-We're breaking up.
-No.

-What?
-Yes, yes. We are sad.

Yes, we're okay.

And most of all, it is our decision
and nobody else's business.

Mmm.

Oh, my God!

-They wanna futz so bad.
-Mmm.

Okay, you guys
each get one question.

Go. Billie.

Is there anything I could
have done to prevent this?

-No, this is not your fault...
-No.

Nor is the fact that your dad
f*cked his secretary, Rhonda.

-See?
-Thank you.

-Samy.
-Does this mean Paul Baker's moving out?

That I don't know.

No.

-No?
-No.

Thanks, Iss.

But I do think after tonight we
should just not hook up with each other.

-Totally.
-Like within the group, right?

I mean this is crazy, so no
more groupcest.

Anton.

Was I the raccoon?

-No.
-I was the raccoon.

What? I thought... No, I
know, I-I was the raccoon.

Oh. We are so bad at this.

Okay, okay.

-You guys, it's time.
-Yeah.

Let's put this thing
out of its misery.

Yeah.

-Everyone grab a weapon.
-It's go time.

I don't have a weapon.

Okay, find one. There's one
on the ground. You can just grab one.

-What?
-Grab one.

Hey, buddy, buddy.

Oh, oh.

Wait, guys. Guys.

I think it's vibing out.

-Oh, it's definitely tripping.
-It's tripping.

Okay, maybe we take
the basket, right?

-Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah. Right?

Hey, pal, hey. Okay. Hi.

-Hi!
-Colors!

Ready? Ready?

Three, two, one.

-Yep. Yep.
-Be careful. Careful.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-It might be experiencing ego death.

-You got it?
-I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay. Oh. Oh.
Don't bite me!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

All right.

Oh, great.

We just got all the critters out and now
there's a little old lady in the corner.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it hit.

♪♪ Today is the first day
Of the rest of our lives ♪♪

♪♪ Tomorrow Is too late to
pretend Everything's all right, now ♪♪

♪♪ I'm not gonna see
That yesterday never was ♪♪

♪♪ When I say If I promise
go to church On Sunday ♪♪

♪♪ Will you go with me
On Friday night? ♪♪

♪♪ If you live with me I'll die
for you And this compromise ♪♪

♪♪ Let's have compromise ♪♪