02x05 - Room Swap

[bunniefuu]

You know, with the Knicks,
it all comes down to offensive rebounding.

This group has played
together since Villanova. Now you're just...

Sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I am sorry...

What the f*ck?

We have an announcement.
Since we are no longer together,

me and Paul Baker have decided
to stop sharing a room.

-Totally.
-Yeah, that makes sense.

Great.
So, we are doing a...

-room swap! What?
-Room swap!

Yeah, we couldn't sleep,
so we came up with this.

It is going to be great.

Yeah, we found the
blueprints in Samir's mom's closet.

She doesn't need them
anymore, right?

We don't know that. She's
always doing little projects.

Thank you, Samir's mom.
Okay, everyone, pick a ball.

The color you get
is your new room/roommate.

Oh, I feel like we're drawing
rocks on Survivor.

I'd be so f*cking good
at the puzzles.

-Yes, Samir.
-What if I end up with a girl?

-Grow up, Samir.
-Come on, dude.

-Then you'll room with a girl.
-The house is already co-ed.

Yeah, we're post-gender.

I thought the table was an open
forum, but I'll-I'll go f*ck myself.

Okay...
everyone, ready?

Go.

Girls!

Boys, boys, boys, boys.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's me. Oh, my God, it's me.

Yes, me! It's me!

Oh, thank God. I did not wanna
room with Samir or Paul Baker.

Like, what do they even talk
about before they fall asleep?

Biggest car
we've ever seen.

I saw a monster truck once...

You know what?
I'll save it for tonight.

-No!
-We'll talk about it tonight.

Okay, the mini hoop is way
better there. Oh, you suck.

-No, but it holds.
-Yeah.

Dude, and then this can be
the Gusher drawer.

-We'd never have to go downstairs, ever.
-No.

And then this can be your side
of the bed. I'll go on the other side.

We'll get two beds eventually.

Yeah. Yes!

Call me crazy. This was meant
to be a girl's room.

Mm-hmm.

Every night
we should do a theme.

-I love that.
-Yeah, right.

And tonight could be, "Get drunk in
Samir's sister's graduation gowns,"

and then tomorrow
could be, like, luau.

Genius.

-Can I say something?
-Mm-hmm.

Now that we've finally switched
rooms... ...it feels, like, real.

Like, I'm single again.

Single Issa.

New York City is trembling.

-I don't know about trembling.
-Ugh. I do.

Oh, my God.

We should go out tonight.

Tonight?

I mean, how fun would that be?
Single Issa, single Billie on the prowl.

Yeah, I don't know.
I'm really tired from the move.

Oh. Come on. Picking up guys has been,
like, my one marketable skill this year.

I want you to see. Get dressed.

Okay, you've convinced me.

Oh, my God, I could wear...
Wait, look.

This, halter, no pants,
just underwear.

-No.
-Ugh. It's too much fabric.

You're right.

-And he's down. Samir is down.
-No.

-From the top. Here it comes.
-No. No, no.

T, T, T, T!

Oh, dude.

-Bro, imagine that wasn't T. Boom!
-I wish.

Sorry, Carly's just in Austin.
She wants to say good night,

-so I need like 10, 15, okay?
-Okay.

Wait, door open or closed?

Uh... I guess closed.

-Closed is chill.
-Okay.

Yeah. Right there.

Keep going. Yeah.

-Yo, I just...
-Yo.

Were you about to jerk off?

No. Skin is dry.
Nose is stuffy.

Mm-hmm.

But, um, would it have been
a problem if it was yes?

Could have been...
Like perchance?

No, I mean, we all...
we all gotta eat.

Brother's gotta eat.

I guess I would rather that
you didn't eat in the bed.

-Yes, uh-huh.
-Right?

Because we wouldn't want crumbs
in the bed, right?

No crumbs in the bed.

So, neither of us will eat
in the bed.

-Great.
-Got it, yeah.

Huh?

It's just that Carly's traveling
for residency interviews all month,

so my restaurant's closed.

And my restaurant
and I just broke up.

Oh, but the bathroom
is like right...

I thought about that.
Bathroom door doesn't lock.

-Yeah.
-And the attic...

-Spooky pipes. Oh.
-Spooky pipes.

f*cking hate those.

Huh.

-Gusher?
-Yeah, Gusher me.

-Huh.
-Hmm.

Oh. And, uh, don't skimp
on the lychee.

-I can handle it.
-I got you.

-Nice. Yeah.
-I know, right?

It's like the student
has become the teacher,

but the teacher
is still the teacher

and now we're just two teachers,
really good at finding guys to f*ck.

Yeah.

Oh, hey. Look.

-Okay. I'm wingmanning you. Scooch over.
-Uh!

-Wait, right now?
-Yeah, right now. Scooch.

Hi, I'm Billie,
and this is my friend, Issa,

and we are drinking martinis.

Hmm. Maybe I could put
those two martinis on my tab.

You probably should.

Say hi, Iss.

-Hello.
-Sorry, that was...

Hello.

It's good to see you night...
tonight, governor.

That's me
if I were British today.

Nice. Um...

-Well, Issa is actually a...
-Wait a second.

-Does this go with my outfit?
-Um...

Be honest. Does this go
with my outfit right now?

Me if I were random.

Sorry, I'm...
I'm getting some texts.

Oh,
hello, is it Mummy on the line?

Cinderelly,
Cinderelly, please let the mice free.

-What?
-Wait, hold on. Me if I were a crab.

Oh, our drinks are here.

Great, thank you, barkeep.

Cheers, one last time
before the w*r.

-Can I get the check?
-It's the blitzkrieg.

How have you gone 11
months without having sex?

After a while, the body
just kind of acclimates.

It's like altitude.

Anton, you have your own room.

You're morally obligated
to sleep with someone in it.

I didn't appreciate
the solo room until it was gone.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Don't point your spoon at me.

Okay, I know you're
worried about catching feelings,

but you can hook up
without it meaning anything.

I f*cked a tax attorney the other night,
and I don't care if he lives or dies.

Who are you?

You used to be this nice girl
with those nice little loafers.

-Anton.
-Anton, you're deflecting.

Okay, fine, I will hook up with
someone in my gorgeous new room.

Thank you.

-Oh.
-What's that?

Just a little a souvenir from girls'
night out, aka somebody's number.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

I thought I was gonna be a
little rusty, but I guess not.

Okay, I got to go to work, but,
Billie, luau night tonight.

-Yes.
-Okay.

Ah. Love you, guys.
Don't lose that napkin.

We won't. We'll cherish it.

-Okay, bye, roomie, you man-eater.
-Bye.

She chomping.

She chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomping.

Okay, so, Issa was not
chomping. Last night was a disaster.

-What do you mean?
-What? She got somebody's...

♪♪ 800-588-23... ♪♪

♪♪ Empire... ♪♪

Today.

I have never seen her
act like that.

I've never seen anyone
act like that.

It was like she was doing like
a... like a character showcase.

And, like, at one point,
she was pretending

that her fingers were legs

and she was doing this, like,
sexy cabaret on the bar.

I mean, what is that?

-Weird little guy.
-Weird little guy.

-Yeah.
-What?

Issa is one of those people that
when she gets uncomfortable, she...

she acts like
a weird little guy.

Okay, but Issa
doesn't get uncomfortable.

I mean, I've seen Issa shave
on a crowded bus.

That is Issa.

-Well, that's Issa since you've known her...
-Hmm.

But she was not that confident
when we met her in college.

Oh, God, uh,
I just got a horrible flash.

Issa introducing herself to every
new person at freshman orientation like...

"Hi,
I'm Issa... No, just kidding."

See, but I haven't seen
weird little guy since...

Sorority rush when she did
the whole thing in an Elmo voice.

Issa loves
Theta. Issa does keg stand?

Okay,
so what did you do about it?

-Do about it? Nothing.
-We didn't do anything.

-What is there to do?
-We just waited it out.

That is such a boy solution.

Just sit around with
your hands down your pants.

I freakin' wish.

-Whereas girls actually solve problems.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, sh*t.

We getting carpet?

Wow! It's so loud!

I know!
That's the point!

Yeah.

You can just dance and not talk
'cause everybody's just dancing and...

not talking.

Are you sure you don't wanna
just go home? Do luau night?

What do you think?

Uh, I think the bass
is disrupting my heartbeat.

-Come on.
-Okay.

I can chance it.

I'm chancing it.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Hi, yeah, hi, yeah.
-I just came in to grab the Neosporin.

I just cut myself trying to
hang my new floating bookshelf.

No.

-You know what's funny about Neosporin?
-What?

I always think
that we don't have Neosporin,

so then I end up buying another,
and then we end up with like eight.

Eight, eight, eight,
eight, eight, eight.

Eight's a funny word, right?

Oh. That reminds me,
I have to call my aunt.

Great, yeah, yeah, yeah. You
should go and call her downs...

Yeah, I'll do it on speaker.

-Hello.
-Aunt Carol, it's me and Samir.

-Hey, boys.
-Hi.

-We need to hear about that estate sale.
-Do you mind?

-I'll tell you later.
-Sorry. Here.

-Oh, hi, Samir.
-No, no, no. Oh, my God. No, no.

-It's on FaceTime. It's on...
-Hi.

Cut to after this
where I'm in your house

slobbing so hard on your knob
I'm, like, dribbling all down it.

Uh, what?

I said cut to...

to after this at your house
where I'm slobbing

so hard on your knob I'm, like,
dribbling down it.

Right, right.

No, no, no, I'm from Jersey.

Do you know those park benches
with the divider in the middle?

Yeah.

That's called hostile
architecture, and it makes me sick.

Wow, you're so passionate.

Thanks. Wait, wait, I'm...
I'm really good at this.

Can I guess your sign?

Oh, my God, yes, I love this.

Okay. Uh, Leo.

Yes, yeah, you got it. -See, I told you.

Wha... Okay, rolling dice?

Mama wants a new pair of shoes
and...

Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

Who are you...
Hey, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna check out
what's going on over there.

-Okay.
-Cool.

-See you around.
-See you around.

I mean, Times Square is dead.

It was fun while it lasted,

but now it's just a place
to get Broccolini, you know.

You have some, uh...
you have some salt on your lip.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I could... I could
help you get it if you want.

Totally.

Hey, you get off of her!
That's my daughter!

-Oh, my God. Hi.
-That's my... That's my friend.

-Oh. Hey.
-This is, uh, my friend Issa.

Hi. It's
a bit loud in here, isn't it?

Iss, why don't you go, uh,
request that song we like?

-What song?
-The one with the... the girl.

I don't know.
Do you wanna play a board game?

Do you wanna play Heads Up?

Thank you
for asking, but no.

Have you seen my friend?

-I, uh...
-Oh, your friend. He...

-He apparated away, Ron Weasley.
-Issa!

And your father was attacked
in the Ministry of Magic.

Um... It was great
meeting you, guys.

-This was awesome.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Wait, do you want to exchange numbers?

We should do the thing where
we tap our phones together.

-For sure. Boop. Got it.
-No, I...

You have to actually hold it
down for a little longer than that.

No, no, it came through.

Oh, is this the song
you were talking about?

I love this song.
I-I obviously know this song.

-This is smart, right?
-Yeah.

If you can't play a home game,
take the show on the road.

Yeah, road dogs.

-Yeah. Woof, woof.
-Next.

Hello, Linda.

We are here to make
a donation of sperm.

-Let me get the forms.
-Thank you.

You know this used to be
a Shake Shack?

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

Okay. Our guidelines state that
all males have to be at least 5'9".

-I am that.
-Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Once you fill out the forms,
we'll take you back

for your physical and then you'll
undergo a background check.

And just how long
do the background checks take?

Two weeks.

-I'll be dead by then.
-What?

Is there a way that we can pay,
like, a rush fee, say, like, for next day?

-Or same day, even?
-Mm-hmm.

I would love same day.

Yeah, same day
just sounds expensive.

I'll sell my dad's watch.
I don't f*cking care anymore.

We don't do that, unfortunately.

Okay, how about I'll just tell you what
would come up in a background check,

and that way
we just get ahead of it.

We don't even have to do
this whole thing, right?

Sir...

I googled how
to 3D print a g*n once.

Okay?
I wasn't gonna do anything.

That's it. That's-That's all
you're gonna find, okay?

-Cup?
-Cup? No.

-The...
-What if we just donate today,

and then you don't even
have to pay us? Pro bono?

-Yeah, it's not about the money.
-No, for the love of the game.

And if, in two weeks, our
background checks come up clean,

congrats, you just got yourself
a whole lot of sperm.

But if not, you trash the loads,

flush 'em down the drain,
pretend this never happened.

We don't call them "loads."
I think you guys have to leave.

-For that?
-For nomenclature?

Maybe I'm not
understanding something.

Don't these women
need the sperm?

Like, aren't they happy
just to have the sperm?

Think of the women.

We get high-quality samples
from educated candidates

from all over the city
every day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize that the Queen
of England came here for her jizz.

-Samy. I'm sorry about him.
-You guys gotta go.

Wait... Linda.
Can I call you Linda?

Are you busy after this?

-I'm married.
-Me too.

-And I'm g*y.
-Hey, me too, sometimes.

Hey, I have an idea.

How about we turn off
The Kelly Clarkson Show

-before I lose my g*dd*mn mind?
-Shh. She's interviewing Stanley Tucci.

You're the craziest one here,
you know that?

How much did you say
two beds would cost again?

A million dollars.

-Give it to me.
-What is that?

Does everyone hear that or
is my head just still pounding?

You want me to flip?

Is that Anton?

Oh, my God. He's hooking up.

-Wait. Quiet. Quiet.
-Go, go, go.

Guys, wait, wait. Hey, hey.
Okay, guys, give him some space.

Wait a second, wait a second,
wait a second. Shh. Shh.

I hear springs.
My parents have a Tempur-Pedic.

Tempur-Pedics
don't have springs.

-Oh. What the hell? It's porn!
-It's just porn?

-Can I help you, please?
-You're faking it?

Are you kidding me right now?

There are people
in this house dying of thirst,

Anton, and you're here
pouring evian down the drain?

First of all, I don't
drink evian. It tastes thick to me.

And second of all, I don't think you're
understanding the risk here, okay?

When I hook up with someone,
it's quicksand.

My friendships? Neglected.

My work? Cast aside.

My mother? A mere rumor, a-a
woman I might have met in a mall.

I don't know.
I cannot picture her face.

-Where is she? Mama?
-Come on, Anton.

You can find one person to hook up
with that you won't catch feelings for.

-Can I? Really?
-Just pick somebody. Pick anybody.

It could be the worst person of
all time! I don't care! Dead or alive!

Alive! Just f*ck someone alive!

Twenty-four hours. Twenty-four
hours to earn your room...

Uh-huh.

-with a good, honest f*ck.
-Easy.

-Otherwise, guess what?
-What?

-Room swap over! Yes, yes, yes.
-No, no.

-Can't go back.
-Yes, we can.

It's my house.
I'm pulling rank for once.

Fine, Samir. I will f*ck a
stranger in your parents' room,

someone hateful
and loathsome. a*s-up!

Thank you.

Now, please leave,
while I'm turned.

I need to find
the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Oh, my God. Just look
where the camera is pointing.

-That is where the idol is. Hello.
-I've been looking everywhere.

That rewards challenge
was intense though.

-I know. I could never do that.
-All that crawling under nets.

Uh, I think
I'm gonna get some air.

Okay, that's...

-Wait, stop.
-Hmm?

What's under your hoodie?

Oh, uh...

Just, like, a T-shirt I got
from a T-shirt cannon.

-That's your backless halter top.
-No.

-Are you going out tonight?
-Fine, fine, I'm going out, okay?

What happened to single Issa
and single Billie on the prowl?

You're not prowling, Iss.

You're, like, being a clown
and doing a crab impression.

-He loved that crab.
-He did not like the crab, Iss.

He did. The crab
made him super hard.

Okay, whatever.
I want to meet someone tonight,

and it's not gonna happen

if you're being a weird little guy.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Issa! Do you know how long it's
taken me to get good at flirting?

Like, literally all 25 years
of my life. Okay?

I taught you
how to get good at this.

But now it doesn't matter
how good I flirt.

I don't get to f*ck the guy who
knows what hostile architecture is,

-all because you're... you're being weird.
-I am weird?

-Yes.
-You want to know what I think is weird?

Going out alone to get laid.

Like, what are you, a middle-aged
divorcée at an airport bar?

Going out alone isn't weird.

It's mature. I asked my mom.

-I'm going to my room.
-I'm going to my room.

-No, I'm going to my room. Move!
-Issa!

-Move! Stay back!
-Issa!

Everybody okay in here?

Well, Samir has had a mild
erection for the last 30 minutes,

and I am no longer
speaking to Billie.

And I told Issa that if she's so
mad, she can go to another room.

There are plenty of rooms
in this house.

Fewer than you think.

Well, I'd like to stay
with my friend Samir here

'cause, unlike some people, I
actually like being with my friends.

I don't only think about sex.

-Don't touch, don't touch.
-You know? Sorry.

Okay, guys, we tried the
room swap and I appreciate it,

but clearly, it's not working,

and as the last person
to move in,

it would only be fair that
I'd be the first to move out.

-Paul Baker, that's not even an option.
-What?

-No, you can't move out.
-You're not moving out.

Guys, look at us! Look at us.

You girls are fighting.

Samir and I, we can't,
you know, find relief.

-Hold on. Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
-What?

-We can make this work, okay?
-Can we, Samir?

Maybe the pipes in the attic
aren't that bad.

Anton? Do you...

-Oh, my God, is someone up there with you?
-What? Who? Where?

Seriously. I'm scared.

Did you hook up last night?

-Um, it... It's not... Wasn't...
-You did.

-Well, we want to meet him.
-Go get him down here.

Nah, you don't want to.

-Yeah, we do.
-Yeah, we do.

Show us.

I don't want you to want to.

-Ooh. My ears are burning.
-Okay. Please. Just stay.

-Wait, what?
-Stay there. Just stay. No, stay!

-I said stay.
-Hi, freaks.

-Yes, Anton and I f*cked last night.
-God.

And, yes, this is
your last string cheese.

You're sick.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

First you marry my boyfriend, and
then you have sex with my ex-husband?

What is wrong with you, Anton?

-This is what you all wanted.
-No.

You told me to break my dry spell with
someone I wouldn't catch feelings for.

Okay, so, sorry, here he is.

I'd rather you found
someone dead.

Oh, no, what are we
even gonna do about this?

What the hell
is even gonna happen?

No, no, no. Don't leave me.

I think it'd be okay if we all put
our heads together though, right?

-If we all just stay cool, right?
-Mm-hmm.

Come on, guys,
he has to leave eventually.

He's got a job.
He's got a life.

No, he's unhirable and he's
obsessed with us...

and now,
he has a foot in the door.

Oh, is this for the room swap?

Anton told me about it
during my postcoital stretch.

Wink-wink.

I'm just gonna add
a wee little square for me.

-Basement, perhaps?
-No.

Zack-Carlos bin Laden.

What?

He wasn't born with the name.
He changed it.

That's worse!

Oh.

f*ck it.

Make him go home, Anton.

Just give him my room.

I'm sure Billie will love
living with a diagnosed nympho.

You know what? I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna be mature
and talk to him.

-No. He will...
-Okay, be careful.

The-The charm on his necklace
is a human tooth.

Whose tooth?

-You're really on there, huh?
-Zack-Carlos?

-Hmm?
-Yeah, can we just chat real quick?

I know what this is about,
but don't worry,

Issa and I,
we're fine living together.

Oh. No, that's not...

How's she doing, by the way?
Anton told me about the breakup.

Before oral,
after the other oral.

You... You've actually
known her for a while, right?

Mm-hmm.

She's sort of been acting like
this, um, weird little guy lately.

-Weird?
-Yeah.

Have you seen that side of her?

Who decides what's weird?

I mean, God, some people
think that I'm weird.

No, totally. Uh, I guess...
I don't know. I've...

I-I guess I just thought
when she was single

that it'd be kind of like,
her and me going out...

You thought... Billie...
Billie, Billie, Billie, Billie.

Hmm.

There's no such thing as weird
when you're going through a breakup.

Me, I like to go to Mount Sinai and
watch the light leave people's eyes.

Oh, my God.

And Issa, I guess her thing is
just being that weird little guy.

All things considered,
that seems pretty normal to me.

That's nice.
But that's my two cents.

Now, enough talking.
I wanna dance.

This room should be
the creative hub of our house.

Okay, I hate him, but I've
been saying that for years.

Shh.

Stop, I'm trying to focus.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

Um.

No.

Oh.

Fine, I'll do it,
but not for free.

How long is this song?

I think it's a megamix.

We need percussion. I'm
gonna go get a pot and a spoon.

Carbon monoxide alarm!

-What?
-Carbon monoxide alarm!

It just started. I ran down here
immediately to get you guys.

No delay. It just started.

Anton! Women and children!
Women and children!

-Me first! Me first!
-Please.

-Thank God. Are you okay? Are you okay?
-Oh, God.

Okay, one, two, three... Hey!

Wait, guys...
where's Zack-Carlos?

Uh, I-I don't know.

You guys are horrible.
Okay, please.

Zack-Carlos.

Zack-Carlos.

-Anton.
-What?

That's the loudest I can scream.

It's the loudest he can scream.
What are you gonna do?

-Is everyone okay?
-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.
We're good. We're good.

Did everyone make it out?

-No. No.
-There is one inside.

You sure you're both okay?

Uh, yeah. No, it was a little
scary, but we're good now.

-We... Oh.
-Is something...

Sorry, you go...

You know, they tried
to k*ll me, the lot of 'em!

And still I rise up!

You're fine, sir.

We're gonna do some checks on
the gas levels, then we'll be outta here.

Thanks.

We're off at 6:00 if you two
wanna get some drinks?

-Yeah.
-Oh. Um...

Um, yeah. Sorry.

Um, we could do that, but...

No, thank you, sir.

Me and my missus here, we're
gonna have a quiet night at home.

Me
if I was a chimney sweep.

She was a chimney sweep there.
She was a British chimney sweep.

-They inhaled gas. They inhaled gas!
-Yep.

-Stretchers! Get the oxygen tank!
-Copy that.

-I know what you did.
-I'm not sorry.

f*ck you.

Turns out, the one who
was preaching trust the most

is the one who was blindsided.

"Grab your torches.
Head back to camp. Good night."