04x02 - The Dated Game/Ice Cream Headache

[bunniefuu]

And I live with my parents! Ow!

This is my dad!

This is my mom! [chuckles]

This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

[cheering]

This is my show!

Hey, everybody!

We're down
at the park today

for a brand-new
segment called

Grand Slam!

Where we watch
two old geezers

savagely roast
each other.

Enjoy.

- [soft, quirky music playing]
- [chewing]

What kind of man
asks a lady on a date

and then hogs
the entire picnic blanket?

[both growling]

Well, what kind of lady

offers to make sandwiches

and then skimps
on the olive loaf?

This is good stuff!

After thousands of years
on this planet,

you'd think you would learn
how to make a decent sandwich!

That's a bunch of baloney!

A bunch of baloney is exactly
what this thing needs!

- You know what?!
- What?!

This is the last time
you criticize my cooking!

I'm leaving!

What?!

Ahh, you'll be back!

No, I won't!

I'm breaking up with you!

[deflating]

[somber music playing]

[cracking]

[shattering]

[lips wobbling]

[crying]

Oh. [chuckles nervously]

[grunts]

Grand Slam, everybody!

[nervously] Hope you all
enjoyed it.

- [static]
- [upbeat music playing]

[microwave dings]

[whooshing]

Dinner's ready!

[grunts]

- [grunts]
- Oh boy, oh boy!

[chainsaw revving]

Kids, have you seen
your grandfather today?

Yeah.

We shot a really wacky bit
with him earlier.

He didn't get hurt
or anything, did he?

- [music ends]
- Not physically.

[creaking]

What is that squeaking sound?

[melancholy music playing]

[chair creaking]

The ol' rocking chair
of sadness.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

GrandPat, your dinner
is getting cold!

Not as cold
as this cold, cruel world.

Well, at least get
out of the street!

You could get run over!

If I'm lucky.

I'll just leave this here.

[melancholy music continues]

[French Narrator]
Five hours later...

[crickets chirping]

[boat honks]

[boats honking intermittently]

- [crazed laughing]
- [honking continues]

[honking and chair creaking
continue]

Patrick, you up?

Yup.

Listen, if we want to get
any sleep

for the next few weeks,

we're gonna have to get
GP and GT back together.

What's GP and G--

GrandPat and Granny Tentacles.

But how do we get 'em
back together?

With the magic of TV!

Who's TV?

[Squidina] And now,
The Patrick Show presents...

"I Guess You'll Do!"

Hey, everybody!

Check this out!

My micro-thingy

looks like a lollipop.

[upbeat music playing]

What the...? How did I get here?

[Squidina]
Will today's bachelorette

be old and lonely forever?

Or will she settle for love
and say,

"I guess you'll do,"

to one of our three...
bachelors?

Patrick! You forgot
to grab GrandPat!

Oops! Hang on!

[plops, squelches]

[Squidina] Our three
eligible bachelors

will now compete for love.

Love? What's the point?

You only get your heart broken.

[sobbing]

Can you tone down
the sadness a little?

We're on television!

Television?

Well, now I'm angry! [grumbles]

Let's play the game!

The bachelorette will now ask
the bachelors some questions.

- [microphone clangs]
- [stretching]

Bachelor number one,

what's your favorite color?

My favorite color

is...

periwinkle.

[giggles]

[Granny] Bachelor number two?

- I don't know. I got cataracts!
- [audience laughs]

[Granny] Bachelor number three?

Red,

except when I'm being boiled.

- [crowd cheering]
- [pecs bouncing]

Do you feel a connection
with anybody yet?

- [microphone feedback]
- Yes.

I like bachelor number three.

I can tell by the sound
of his voice

he's got muscles!

Yeah, he's got muscles,
all right.

Muscles for brains!

Aw, you're just jealous.

Am I right, ladies?

- [crowd exclaiming, whistling]
- [laughs] Yeah.

[growls playfully]

What a charmer!

[giggles]

Oh no! Number three is winning.

I've gotta stop him, but...

Hey! What if GrandPat
was bachelor number three?

[rapid indistinct chatter]

Got it!

[upbeat music playing]

[panting]

Well, bachelor number two,

why don't you keep telling me

about bachelor number three's
big muscles?

That's me! Muscles, huh?

Hmm... Well, I'm lookin',

and I'm bein'
real thorough here,

and no muscles.

Just the deepest wrinkles
I've ever seen.

So deep, it's almost like...

[voice distorting]
...I could get lost in them.

[eyes warbling]

Whoa!

Well, looks like
bachelor number two

had to step out.

But we still have
two dashing fellas left!

Next question. What is your idea

of a perfect date?

Bachelor number three?

Perfect date?

March 12th, 15,000 B.C.

The date I invented fire.

[lightning zaps]

Also the date I invented

roasted woolly clammoth

and topped it
with some olive loaf.

Greatest date in history,
if you ask me.

[satisfied sigh]

Ahh, the Paleolithic.

Wait a minute!

Not that kind of date!

What would you do
for a romantic date?

[gnawing]

Same answer.

And bring your own clammoth!

Well, how about you,
bachelor number one?

What's your perfect date?

Why, thank you for asking,
Patrick.

My perfect
date would be

just a lovely stroll
through the park

on a bright, sunny day.

[laughs creepily]

That way, the master
won't be able to...[chuckles]

...disturb us.

[ominous music playing]

[roars]

[music fades]

Yeesh, what a creep.

Surely Granny Tentacles can't--

Hubba-hubba!

[sighs] Of course.

Time for plan B.

[alarm blaring]

- [gates slamming]
- [intense music playing]

Huh? What's going on?

Let me go!

[Patrick] It's time
for a special guest!

Please welcome to the stage...

No. No, it can't be!

No!

[growling]

Not Master!

[rustling]

Who the heck is
the special guest?!

It's... it's...

his girlfriend!

- [roaring chomp]
- [Slappy] No!

[Slappy screaming]

[intense music crescendos, ends]

Well,

looks like you're
the only bachelor left,

bachelor number three!

That means you win by as*ault!

- [Granny] What?!
- It's "default."

It's nobody's fault.
How do you feel?

[angrily] I feel...

I feel...

[whimpers] I feel like
my heart's been shattered

into a million pieces.

Like I'll never love again!

And... [sniffling] And...

[rattling]

I mean, I don't feel nothin'!

Whatever.

You heard him, folks!

- [party horn blows]
- [bright music plays]

Whatever!

"Whatever"?!

[grumbles]
I am no man's "whatever"!

That's it. I'm leavin'!

Uh... [spluttering]

I'm leavin' too.

Can't abide a game show host
who forgets to put on pants.

[GrandPat and audience laugh]

[laughing]

Well, it's not like
you can fit a brain

in that traffic cone head
of his.

[Granny and audience laugh]

[GrandPat] Not to mention
he's built like a water balloon!

[Granny] And he's got arms
like a couple of hot dogs!

[quirky music playing]

[cowbell ringing]

[GrandPat] And his legs!

His legs!

- [audience gasps]
- Well, he's got nice legs.

[laughing]

Oh, all right,
bachelor number three.

You won me over after all.

What say we blow
this Popsicle stand?

- [underwear stretching]
- [groans]

- I'd be delighted!
- [mumbling]

So, baby, you ever ride shotgun

on a mobility scooter?

I can't say that I have.

[romantic music playing]

Well, we did it, Patrick!

Somehow.

[indistinct mumbling]

Sorry. What?

Oh. I said...

[indistinct mumbling]

So, GrandPat,

what are we gonna do
on our first date?

[laughing]

How's about I pick up
an olive loaf

and we see where
the road takes us?

- [bright music ending]
- [bubbles popping]

[bubbling]

[licking, slurping]

You were
so right, dude.

Ice cream tastes, like,
even better at night.

[ominous music playing]

[both laughing]

Ah! Careful, brah.

You almost made me drop
the goods.

[both laughing]

That wasn't me.

[dramatic music playing]

[screaming]

[panting]

[breathing heavily]

That was a close one.

At least we still have
our ice cream.

[horn blares]

[dramatic music playing]

[gasps] Scooter?

Something ate my ice cream!

[creepy music playing]

Scooter?

[echoing] Scooter?!

[bubbling]

[dramatic music builds
then fades]

[siren wailing]

Huh? [whimpering]

- [screaming]
- [bell ringing]

[dramatic music playing]

[screaming]

[boinging]

Huh? [screams]

[rumbling]

[child babbling]

- [grabbing, stretching]
- [screams]

[concerned] Mommy?

[jaunty music playing]

[dish rattling]

Huh?

[crying]

Can you believe this guy?

What a baby!

[children shouting]
Ice cream! Ice cream!

Here you go, kids.

[mellow jingle playing]

- [loud chomp]
- [children whimpering]

[whining] A monster
took my ice cream!

[children crying]

Oh, a monster, huh?

The kids have been using
that excuse all day.

[slam, rattling]

[dripping]

This town has a problem.

[Cecil] Our frozen treats
are in danger!

The ice cream is disappearing!

What's next?

Shaved ice?

[whimpering]

[Cecil] Gelato?

No!

[Cecil] Snow cones? Huckabuck?

Hmm... This is
quite the mystery.

It could make a fascinating
documentary segment

for the show!

[clears throat]
Let's face it, guys.

The only way to keep
the community safe

is to stop selling ice cream.

[crowd booing]

- Shame!
- [indistinct yelling]

[harsh screeching]

[crowd whimpering]

You all know me.

I'm...

Uh...

Hey, mister,
what's my name again?

You're the Ice Cream King.

Oh yeah! I'm the Ice Cream King!

And if there's two things
I know,

it's ice cream
and being a menace.

So I know exactly how to get rid
of this ice cream menace!

And all I need

is an ice cream truck.

What? N-N-No!

I plotted all
the ice cream attacks

on this map.

Sweet Neptune! Do you see that?

Yeah. It's so obvious...

...ly random.

No pattern whatsoever.

We'll just have to cruise
the neighborhood

until we find
that ice cream-stealing sicko!

[mellow jingle playing]

All right, now chum the water
to attract the monster.

[plopping]

[children] Ice cream! Ice cream!

Ice cream! Ice cream!

- [horn blares]
- [all groaning]

[woman screams]

[gags]

What kind of ice cream is this?

Ice cream?

Buddy, that's chum.

Ugh! I'm gonna use
the ice cream.

No!

I need that
for my all-ice-cream diet!

No. It's bait for the monster!

It's mine, peanut-head!

[whistles, plops]

- [rumbling]
- [tense music playing]

Drive. Just drive!

[tires screeching]

[frenetic music playing]

[whimpering]

[tires screeching]

[crashing]

[panting]

[soft, tense music playing]

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

[tense, high-pitched trill]

[creaking, rumbling]

[dramatic music playing]

[cow moos]

And get a bigger boat they did.

[honking loudly]

[whooshing]

[squelching]

[tense music playing]

Let it sink its teeth into this.

[metal scraping]

[inhales, whistles]

Take her up!

- [whirring]
- [intense music playing]

[splat]

[duck quacks]

It's working.

I see it!

Whoa!

[screams]

[whimpering]

- [sharp ringing]
- [music warping]

[yelling]

- [screaming]
- [bell ringing]

Patrick?

I shoulda known.

[screams]

It's latched on.

Reel it in.

- [grunts]
- [whirring]

[groans] It's too heavy!

- [whirring]
- [chomping]

[crashing, rumbling]

[roaring]

[aggressive chomping]

Strawberry containment
has been breached!

[light, whimsical music playing]

Okay, let's try this again.

[Patrick roaring]

[gasps]

[rubbery stretching]

[rumbling]

[whirring, clanks]

[creaking, zips]

[dramatic music playing]

- [whooshing]
- [screams]

[both yelling]

[both grunt]

The beast got away.

We could destroy it...

if we only knew where it lived.

Who, Patrick?

I-I mean, I don't think
it lives anywhere.

It's a wild creature.

I know where it lives.

You do?

I put a tracking device

inside the ice cream cone

before the beast ate it.

- [duck quacks]
- [whimpering nervously]

[nervously] Great.

If we follow this,

it will lead us
right to its lair.

That's our mark.

- [squelches]
- Oh.

Silly me.

[beeping]

- [Patrick roars]
- [whimpering]

No!

You won't be forgotten,

guy whose name I've forgotten.

This time it's personal.

[squeezing, popping]

[Ice Cream King] We found it.

The beast's lair.

[dramatic music playing]

Wait! Don't do anything rash!

It's a wild animal!

It doesn't know what it's doing!

[stretching, boings]

[inflating]

Once I lure it out
with this ice cream suit,

it's going down.

Now step aside.

[music fades]

[heroic music playing]

Don't hurt him!

- [grunts]
- [smashes]

He plays a vital role
in our ecosystem!

[gentle, elegant music playing]

Hmm... He's around here
somewhere.

I can feel it.

[clanging, sliding]

Huh?

Defrost me.

Shh!

All in good time.

[Patrick grumbling]

[tense music playing]

Would you like a free sample?

I'm strawberry flavored.

- [whistling]
- [giggling]

- [Patrick grumbling]
- Huh?

[groans]

- [yelling]
- [whooshing]

- [screams]
- Wait!

[deflating whistle]

[cheery music playing]

Oh, hey, Squidina.

Squidina?

Is he...

My brother, Patrick.

Oh, yeah.

I see the resemblance.

Well, I'm sorry...

for your loss!

Wait! Surely we can settle this
like gentlemen.

- [wobbling]
- [tense music playing]

Let's decide this with
an ice cream-eating contest!

Whoever gives up first has
to forfeit all their ice cream.

What do you say?

- [bell dings]
- [both] Deal.

Ready?

Start!

[Patrick laughs]

[aggressive licking]

- [gulping]
- [energetic music playing]

[shrieking]

[roars]

[sloshing]

[gulping]

[chomping]

[slurping]

[squelching thuds]

- [fancy violin music playing]
- [humming, chewing politely]

[splattering]

[energetic music resumes]

[aggressive chomping]

[belches, groans]

[music ending]

I can't eat another bite.

You win.

Great! I guess
that means it's time

to return all the ice cream!

How? I ate it all.

Can't give it back.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

[upbeat music playing]

Strawberry, please.

[honks, electronic jingling,
bell rings]

[squirting]

It tastes even better
the second time.

Mint chip, please.

[electronic jingling,
bell rings]

[squirting]

[music fades]