04x07 - Zoo U/A Remembrance of Grand-Past

[bunniefuu]

Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad!

This is my mom!

[giggles]

[giddy laugh] This is my sister!

She's shy.

This is my grandpa!

This is my room!

And this...

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

This is my show!

[cheering]

♪♪

Family road trip!
Family road trip!

Family road trip!

[in singsong] Family...

[belts long note]
road trip!

[creaks]

Great 45-minute song, Dad.

But, uh, where exactly are we

family road tripping to?

You see, Squidina,

our little Patrick is becoming
a big man now,

and it's time
he pursues higher education,

so we're heading
to my old college

for a campus tour.

Since I'm a big man now,

can I please get a bigger seat?

This one's giving me
a butt cramp!

[scoffs] Hippy-dippy
modern education.

That's the problem
with today's youth.

After dropping out
of third grade,

I went straight to work
in the coal mines!

And I turned out just fine.
[wheezing cough]

Ooh! My old toothpick!

[scraping]

I don't see the point, Dad.

Why do I need college

if I have my own TV show?

[cheering]

Son, there's more
to life than TV.

[all laugh heartily]

[all sigh]

Okay, nothing's better than TV,

but college is pretty cool.

I know they were the best years
of mylife.

Yup! I was the big
sea-star on campus

back in my day.

Honey, are we almost there?

According to the new GPS
you got me,

it's the next left turn.

[video game bleeps]

[Cecil] Here we are!

[tires screech]

My old alma mater.

♪ Suspenseful music playing ♪

Dad, this is a zoo!

Yeah, college is pretty wild.

- [tires screech]
- [crowd screams]

- [groans]
- [thud]

Okay, clearly we're lost.

Good thing I brought a map!

[car whizzing]

[tires screech]

Hey, I think that's
my old college buddy.

[tires screech]

Ahoy! It's me, Cecil!

I'm back and ready
to party hardy!

- [loud crash]
- Ah, college!

I feel smarter already.

- ♪ triumphant music plays ♪
- [sea chimps holler]

[sea chimps hoot curiously]

[screams]

♪ frantic, jaunty music
playing ♪

- [tires screech]
- [crowd screams]

Uh, honey,
someone's stealing our car.

Ha! College kids
and their pranks.

All right! Let's find
a campus tour guide.

Come on, Squidina.

[urchins chittering]

Oh, I see.

We should've hung a right,
not a left.

Dad, where did all these
sea chimps come from?

Dad!

- [hoots]
- [screams]

[sea chimp bellows]

[sea giraffes snort]

Hmm, can't seem
to find a tour guide.

Ooh, maybe that adorable
college mascot

can help us!

[chomping]

[roars]

Excuse me, sir.

Could you direct us
to the nearest tour guide?

[grunts, sniffs]

[growls]

[roars]

Would you look at that?

The mascot is giving us
the tour himself!

Ooh! What an honor!

Lunchtime for Mr. Sea Bear!

♪ Quirky, comedic music plays ♪

[gasps]

[screams]

Everybody panic!

There's a bear on the loose!

[in deep voice]
You! I told you to panic!

[whimpering]

[snorts, sniffs]

[sniffs, alarmed grunt]

[roars]

[chomping]

Looks like our first stop
is the cafeteria.

Wanna give it a taste, son?

Do I?!

[shouts]

All-you-can-eat buffet?!

Maybe this college thing iscool!

Remember, son, in college,

you also feed your mind.

Just look at all the different
classes you can take.

You can learn foreign languages.

You can "bone up"
on paleontology.

- Or even take an art class!
- [clams chittering]

[Cecil] Looks like they're
weaving baskets today.

Basket weaving?!

[giddy laughter]

[loud smack]

This isn't an ordinary basket.

It's an Easter basket

with Easter eggs!

[grunts, chomps]

[splutters nervously]

Oh, sea bear!

I know you're somewhere!

- Basket weavers are mean!
- [grunts]

- [clams chittering]
- No, no, no!

Put me down! [voice echoes]

- [zookeeper screams]
- [belches]

Come on, son!

The tour continues.

[groans, coughs]

Those Easter eggs
didn't sit right.

- [groans]
- [stomach rumbles]

[crowd screams]

[grunts]

[roars]

[all exclaim curiously]

♪ tense music playing ♪

Tall fellas and a hoop?

The college basketball team.

Why don't you show 'em
some Star family skills, son.

[pants] Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[yelps excitedly]

Hey, how about a little
one-on-one?

I'll grab the ball!

- [sea bug skitters]
- [chomps]

Check out these moves!

He shoots and...

[grunts, groans]

he scores.

[creaking]

[sea giraffes whinny]

Hey! Get off of me!

[sighs] Finally.

That's the last of 'em.

[rumbling]

[sea giraffes screech]

[groans] Hey.

[sighs]

[sniffing loudly]

Ah! Okay, sonny,
I've seen enough.

College is nothing but a scam!

A swindle!

They just fill your head
with nonsense

and turn you into sheep!

[bleating]

That's right!

You're being fed
a bunch of lies!

Being fed?!

- [yips excitedly]
- [distant bleating]

[bleating]

[chomps, munches]

Huh?

[screams]

- [chomps]
- [screams]

[chomps]

Mom, Dad,

I-I think I found my major!

- I wanna be sheep.
- ♪ glimmering musical flourish ♪

[bleating in the distance]

That's great, son.

Welp, this trip has been
a resounding success.

[loud crash]

- [engine hisses]
- [squeaking]

Look, Cecil,

our car is back!

- [door squeaks]
- Let's hit the road.

♪ Bright music playing ♪

- Hmm!
- ♪ dark music playing ♪

- [bleating]
- [rumbling]

Not again!

[grunting]

[voice over PA] Attention,
primates and hominids,

the show is about to start!

Hey! I recognize that voice.

You're right.

It kinda sounds like you,
Squidina.

[urchins chittering]

[Squidina over PA] Put your paws
and hooves together

for the Sea Chimp Show!

[hooting]

I can't understand
a word they're saying.

Me neither.

Let's change the channel.

[hooting ceases]

[hoots curiously]

[crowd screaming]

Patrick!

You let the talent loose!

It took me all day
to train those sea chimps!

I know those maniacs
came in here.

[hooting, hollering]

Ha! Ya missed me this time!

- [sea gorilla grunting]
- Whoa!

-♪ quirky music playing
-Huh?!

- [sea animals grunt]
- [crowd screams]

[snarls]

[grunts and screams]

[whimpering]

- [roars]
- [whimpers]

[hooting]

Yeah! Yeah!

Yikes!
The animals are running wild!

Oh, Squidina.

This is how it is at homecoming.

Let's party!

Woo!

[zookeeper] Gotcha!

- [thud]
- [grunts]

Uh-oh.

We're in the dean's office.

♪ Suspenseful music playing ♪

I've never seen
anything like it!

What you've done

in every part
of this institution,

and all in one day?!

You're finished here!

Finished!

"Every part
of this institution"?

"All in one day"?

"Finished"?

You bet we understand!

-♪ "The Graduation March"
-[together] Patrick!

You graduated college
in one day!

[kiss smacks]

Wow!

- I "granulated"?
- Ooh!

Let's get you dressed
for the occasion.

I've got the cap!

And I've got the gown!

[defeated shout]

Ooh! I almost forgot.

You'll need a diploma!

[sobs]

Congratulations, Patrick!

[Cecil] You did it!

- [rumbling crash]
- [balloons whizzing]

You know something, Dad?

College was the best 11 minutes
of my life.

Mine too, son.

I'm so... [snivels]

proud of you.

Now go out there
and make the world

a better place!

Thanks, Dad.

[screaming]

Time for a family photo!

[sea chimp screeches]

Would you mind, sir?

[hooting curiously]

Say, "Cheese," everyone!

[all] Cheese!

- Eh!
- [roars]

- [yelps]
- [shutter clicks]

♪♪

I love family movie night!

Looks like I'm not

the only one.

This just gives us time
to decide

what we wanna see!

How about a comedy?

[laughs]

- Or a tragic romance?
- ♪ epic musical flourish ♪

- Or a western!
- ♪ western musical stinger ♪

[hocks]

Great choice, son!

Kenny Cowhide.

The Desperado
From Beyond The Stars!

He could dance,
but he couldn't cry.

♪ Dramatic guitar flourish ♪

All in favor, say,
"Ay, chihuahua"!

[all] Ay, chihuahua!

Wait.

Aren't we missing
an "Ay, chihuahua"?

[munching]

Psst! GrandPat.

You forgot to say
"Ay, chihuahua."

Ay...

ain't sayin' nothing!

All these movies ain't nothing
but lies!

[chomps]

Really, GrandPat?

So this robot cowboy

space opera

isn'thistorically accurate?

Not even close!

GrandPat, what about this one?

That definitely ain't
how it happened!

I should know!

I've been around long enough

to live through
allthe real things!

- [munching]
- Wow!

Take this one, for instance!

Ancient Sea-gypt!

You think that's

what it was like?!

Well, it isa documentary

- from a very well-respected...
- [GrandPat spits]

I'll tell ya what it was
reallylike!

It was long ago,

back in the land of hot sand

- and ancient secrets.
- [bones crunch]

[blows]

♪ mystical, mysterious music
playing ♪

Whew!

Boy, my wrists are killin' me!

Uh-oh.

Almost late for work.

[panting]

Good thing this baby's
almost done.

♪ Music ends ♪

[crackling]

[GrandPat] Hmm.

That don't look right.

- [ladder squeaks]
- Whoa!

♪ Epic music playing ♪

Are we quite finished yet?

Yup! All done, Mr. Pharaoh, sir.

Excellent.

I'm ready to enjoy
some peace and quiet

in my brand-new,

- perfectly cubical...
- [record scratch]

[Pharaoh] ...pyramid?!

I thought I asked you

for a cube.

Oh! [nervously] Yeah, yeah!

Well, pyramids are
the new cubes.

[laughs nervously] So, uh,

I'll just collect my payment
and get out of your hair.

Payment?!

Sir.

Why don't we send him to...

-♪ ominous musical stinger
- the spa?

The spa?!

Oh!

"The spa."

♪ mischievous musical flourish ♪

- [door rumbles]
- Yes?

Good day!

This young man has just

earned himself
one free trip to "the spa."

See that he gets the...

VIP experience.

With pleasure.

Come right in.

Don't mind if I do!

[door rumbles]

A lot of customers today.

That the same towel wrap
I'll be gettin'?

Oh! Why, yes.

Stretch out and relax, Mr. VIP.

I'll prepare the instruments.

♪ Eerie music playing ♪

Ah! Feels good
to take a load off.

Oh, indeed.

I will now remove all of your...

Worries and cares!

Yep! Got it!
Let's get this show on the road!

- As you wish!
- ♪ ominous music plays ♪

Hold still.

[squeaks, squelches]

[air whistling]

[sighs]

I feel more clearheaded already.

♪ Relaxing music playing ♪

- [squelching]
- [heart thumping]

This one of them detoxes?

"Out with the old,
in with the new" sort of thing?

In a manner of speaking.

I feel light as a feather!

[spluttering deflation]

Hold this, will you?

Uh, okay.

[blabbering]

Always wanted to try
one of these

sensory deprivation tanks.

About how long am I in here for?

Who knows?

[maniacal laughter]

[narrator] Four thousand-ish
years later...

♪ epic mystical music playing ♪

[scraping]

[chuckles] Wow!

A mummy!

♪ Dramatic musical stinger ♪

[mummy-like groan]

- [back cracks]
- [groans, sighs]

I feel like a new man!

Amazing!

[shutter clicks]

Never did get my brain back.

Spies?! Ha!

That pretty boy couldn't be
a realspy.

Back in my day,

spy work was all about

lying low,

lurkin' in the shadows,

and keepin' your enemy

none the wiser.

- [horn honking]
- Come on! Come on!

Out of my way!

Top secret spy
coming through here!

- [screams]
- Whoa!

Anyway, an enemy spy,

Madame Calamari,

has a top secret item
that she plans to use,

making herself number one.

Your mission

is to infiltrate
the agent's lair

and steal this special item!

And then finally

I'll be number one!

Yes, Number Two.

Far out!

Don't forget,

your Techno-sight

will help you spot
the secret item.

What is that?!

It's one of the many gadgets

we've installed
all over your body,

which you should already
be familiar with.

Oh yeah!

Which reminds me,

what's this?

Some sorta laser-guided

nuclear b*mb?

[Agnes] It's lip balm.

Just get your hands on that

number one item, ya hear me?!

Yeah! Got it! Gotta go.

- [tires screech]
- ♪ spy music plays ♪

[tires screech]

Well, look at this!

Quite the groovy little spread.

Gimme one Emerald Gentleman.

That's clam, oyster,
scallop juice,

and a spritz of pickled algae.

But most importantly,

I want it shaken andstirred.

[Granny Tentacles] Sounds like
quite the elixir.

[GrandPat] There she was.

Madame Calamari.

The most beautiful enemy agent
I'd ever seen.

Hold this.

- [whirring]
- Ha!

♪ Dramatic musical stinger ♪

[GrandPat]
The evening was about to get...

very interesting.

- [laughs]
- Your beverage, sir.

Ooh!

[slurps]

Yuck! You got kelp
in your ears?

I said shaken andstirred!

So sorry, sir.

[electrical crackling]

[grunts]

And then there were two.

Your move, stranger.

[purrs seductively]

[device whirring]

Got any sevens?

Well, it's my last card.

Woo-hoo!

I win all the cards!

Where do I cash
these puppies in?

I thought we could go somewhere
a little...

quieter.

Good idea.

This is too easy.

Say, what's this little
doohickey here?

I see you're an art admirer too.

I've never met a man

quite like you before.

[smooching]

Oh yeah!

[squelching]

Ew!

[kisses]

Humina, humina, humina, humina!

- [tinkers, explodes]
- [screams]

[laser zapping]

[screams]

Whoa!

-♪ suspenseful music playing
-Huh.

She must have gone
to the toilet.

Now, where's that
number one item?

- [clanks]
- [shouts]

[device whirs, beeps]

Ha!

Yoink! Jackpot!

I'm number one!

I'm number one!

[disoriented groan]

I'll call ya later.

Maybe we can grab a prune juice.

I'm allergic to... prunes!

[loud thud]

Did any of that actuallyhappen?

Don't ask me!

Ask my finger!

[all shout in disgust]

Hey! There's one movie left!

An animated one!

You know, I was a cartoon once.

Oh brother.

[film reel whirring]

[chuckles, groans]

♪ jaunty jazz music plays ♪

Huh? What's this?

[chomps]

[laughs]

[grunts, laughs]

[both laugh]

Oh! Whoa!

- [groans]
- [GrandPat laughs]

- [squishes]
- Whoa! [grunts]

Huh?

What's the big idea here?

Well? You gonna help a senior
in need or not?

Oh, we're gonna help ya,
alright.

[whimsical whirring]

[gulps]

♪ whimsical nautical music
playing ♪

[train horn blows]

[both] Ah!

[horn blares]

[propeller whirs]

Oh boy.

- [grunting]
- [smacking]

- GrandPat!
- [audience laughs]

That can't be how it happened!

Sadly...

that is how it happened.

♪♪