07x05 - The Gestapo Ruins a Picnic

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

At last everything is back

To normal here in nouvion,

Or as normal as possible.

I and my wife, edith,

Have returned safely

From our trip to london,

Where we had fled

To avoid being shot

By the communist

Resistance,

Who were cross

That I was to be given

A collaboration medal

By the germans.

Fortunately for us,

The germans decided

Not to give me the medal,

So my life

Is not in danger.

I did not enjoy

My short time in england.

I still have indigestion

From the terrible food,

Plus several pairs

Of y-fronts,

From the marks

And spencers

Which I soon found

Are a size too small.

But then I should not

Be surprised.

My wife chose them

And she has always

Underestimated

My requirements.

O-o-oh,

Rene, I have not yet

Had a proper chance

To welcome you back.

This would be

A good moment.

Oh!

Oh, rene, I was so

Worried about you

On your dangerous trip

To england.

I look into your eyes,

And I see how much

You have suffered

From the journey.

It was traveling

In those tight y-fronts,

But I am recovering.

Oh, rene,

My love for you

Is like a fever.

Can you not feel

I have gone limp

All over?

I hope it is

Nothing contagious.

Rene!

What are you doing

Holding that servant girl

In your arms?

You stupid woman!

Can you not see

This poor child

Is suffering

From delayed shock?

She thought she had

Lost you forever.

Me?

Yes, you.

You are like

A mother to her.

She models

Herself on you.

If she had

Stringier hair,

She would

Do it like yours.

And now

You are back,

She is overcome

With emotion

And relief.

Oh, this is true.

Oh, how thoughtless I am.

Go up and lie down

On my bed,

And put a drop

Of my cologne

On your brow.

Oh, thank you,

Mamma,

I mean

Madam edith.

Oh, rene,

Forgive me.

I am not myself today.

My bunion is

Giving me gyp.

It always happens

When I am under a strain.

Oh, rene, hold me.

Hobble here for a hug,

Come on.

Rene,

I have good news.

Officer crabtree has

Found the british airmen.

They were hiding

In a pigsty.

What about the smell?

I expect the pigs

Got used to it.

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

We have a new plan to get

The british airmen

Back to england.

Oh, not another one?

We are going

To build a raft

For them to sail

Across the channel.

For a raft you need

The trunks of trees.

The woods are

Out of bounds.

And anyone seen

Walking around

With a chopper

Over his shoulder

Would arouse suspicion.

This is true.

We shall not go

To the woods.

Already

My resistance girls

Have sawn halfway through

Six telegraph poles.

When it is dark,

We will go out

And pull them down,

And build the raft.

And coincidentally,

Severely damage

German communication lines.

Ooh, I have a twinge

In my bunion.

Her bunion does

Not like this plan.

Good moaning.

I thought you were bringing

The british airmen?

I am chocking to see

If the kissed is kloor.

I see that we

Are aloon.

You have not left

Them in the open

Outside my cafe,

Have you?

Do not wirry, ronnie.

I have brute them

From the pogstee

In a wooden coat

Pulled by a dinkey.

Wooden cart, donkey.

I got that.

They are disgeesed

As socks of potootoes.

Oh, that is

A good disguise.

We always

Need potootoos,

I mean potatoes.

Get them in.

Come in here, chaps.

I meant

Carry them in,

Sacks of potatoes

Do not usually

Stroll in here

To be peeled.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Ooh, what a pong!

They still have a lot

Of pogstee on them.

They cannot stay here

In that condition.

Look at the mess

They are making.

Ask the girls

To boil some water

And get the strongest

Disinfectant they can find.

To wash the floor?

No, to wash

The airmen.

What are they

Going on about?

I have no idea.

They are going

To give you a bath, chaps,

To get all that

Piggy stuff off.

Oh, splendid!

Bags, I the end

Without the taps.

You'll have

To be quick.

( Duck call blows )

( Blows )

Helga:

Herr flick?

Herr flick,

I'm here.

Can you hear me?

( Blows )

Ah, helga.

It was not

Very clever of you

To choose the mating call

Of a wild goose

In your secret

Message to me

To signal

Your arrival.

Wild geese have been

Mating all day.

Our knees are raw

From scrabbling

Up this rough

Monastery wall.

Forgive me, herr flick,

I didn't know it was

The mating season.

Next time,

Consult your

Girl guide diary.

Come, von smallhausen,

We must leave

This monastic

Existence behind.

Do you want a hand,

Herr flick?

No, avert your eyes.

( Two thuds )

Quick, where is

The getaway vehicle?

I could not get a car,

So I brought this instead.

This is most

Unsatisfactory.

The gestapo are not

Used to escaping

On a three-wheeled

Tandem.

We will be

The laughingstock

Of the whole

German army.

Oh, herr flick,

What terrible hardships

You must have

Suffered in there.

We have suffered

Many deprivations.

We were only allowed

To keep our

Bare necessities.

We nearly lost those

A couple of times.

That was because

Of your poor

Needlework.

Go and sit

On the tricycle.

May I welcome you back

With a kiss?

Very well,

But make it

A quick one.

We may be missed.

We are playing hooky

From jam making.

What shame!

What infamy!

A member

Of our holy order

Consorting with a woman.

You will be scourged

For this, brother otto.

Oh, not the scourging!

To our getaway tricycle,

And quickly.

Come back, you sinners!

You must be

Punished for this!

Not on your nelly!

If we soak

Much longer in here,

I am going

To shrivel up.

Have you seen

The soap?

It was here

A second ago.

If you hadn't

Insisted on putting

Baking powder in

To make some bubbles,

We would be

Able to see it.

Ah! Got it.

I don't think so,

Old chap.

Well, what have

I got then?

Oh, the loofah.

It's not very

Private in here, is it?

It would be

A lot less private

Without

This baking powder.

Rene has

Given me orders

To get you clean.

Here. I hear

Hate to take

A bath.

You take the one

With the spotty back,

And I'll take the one

With the boil

On his bum.

What did she say?

I think they're

Going to scrub

The floor.

Funny time to do it.

Yeah. Ooh, ah!

Get off!

I think we would

Have been better off

In the pigsty,

Carstairs.

Oh, I don't know.

Look at this poster

I found in the main square.

It is an absolute

Disgrace!

Yes, the writing is

Rather bad.

Quite indistinct

In places.

I'm not talking

About the handwriting,

Look at the content!

Dash it, these are

My tank driving spectacles.

You'd better

Read it, gruber.

Just a moment,

While I make a note.

Colonel to retake

Tank driving test

As soon as possible.

Carry on, gruber.

"The resistance calls

On all loyal citizens

To hamper the efforts

Of the accursed boche--"

( Chuckles )

"-- And make the life of

The occupying army in nouvion

As uncomfortable

As possible."

What cheek.

"Suggestions:

Put itching powder

In their washing,

Water in their petrol,

Garlic in their strudel,

And tin tacks

On the roads,

And whenever possible,

Drop a brick

On their heads."

And I thought

They all loved me.

"Comrades, we must show

That fat pig of a colonel--"

Excuse me, colonel,

But I am only

Reading what it says.

Continue.

"-- And that poncing,

Little tank driving,

Twit of a sidekick--"

Whoever that

May be.

Is you.

There are lots

Of tanks!

Read on

And stop arguing.

"-- And finally,

We must also show

That over-medaled

Italian chicken

That we mean business."

That means you.

Look, I am

Seething with anger.

See my mustache?

It bristles.

Every medallion

On my chest

Was won

With a brave deed.

Have you finished?

No, I stamp my foot.

I hurt my leg.

This rubbish

Clearly undermines

The efforts

Of the occupying forces.

There is even

A scurrilous cartoon of me

On the reverse side.

( Giggles )

No, I think

You are mistaken, general.

It's a lady in suspenders

With a spiked helmet.

The caption,

Read the caption.

( Laughs )

"Von kinkyhoffen."

It's outrageous.

Did you wish

To say something,

Captain bertorelli?

No.

Then shut up!

( Laughing )

We must beat

The resistance

At their own game.

We shall revive

The local newspaper

That we closed

At the beginning

Of the occupation,

And use it for our own

Propaganda purposes.

Excellent idea,

General.

Ah, but it must not be

Too obviously propaganda.

We need a frenchman

To edit the paper.

That will give it

Credence

In the eyes

Of the villagers.

Another good idea.

Any suggestions?

Well, there's rene

From the cafe.

Ah, the fellow

Who almost got

The collaboration medal.

Excellent, gruber.

Do you have

His confidence?

We do hobnob

From time to time.

Really?

Contact him

Immediately.

- Heil hitler.

- Heil hitler.

Heil mussolini.

Don't be silly.

( Laughing )

Von kinkyhoffen.

It's a wonderful

Likeness.

Regarding the poster,

Anyone caught

Laughing at it

Will be shot.

When have you

Ever seen me

In suspenders

With a spiked helmet?

I think the last time was

At the staff college dance.

Your health

And efficiency magazine

Has just arrived,

Herr flick.

A special issue

With a centerfold pullout

Of a rhine maiden

Unadorned.

Shall I pull it out,

Herr flick?

You will

Pull it out

At your peril,

Von smallhausen.

Only senior

Gestapo officers

With iron control

Are allowed

To gaze

At unadorned rhine maidens.

Extremely average.

Nevertheless,

I must telephone

For the rhine maiden

Calendar.

She will be

Bigger in that.

I can hear nothing.

We are severed

From the outside world.

That is because we have

Not paid the bill,

And the petty cash

Box is empty.

How can this be?

I think you took

The last of it

To buy that silk underwear

For helga, herr flick.

You were not supposed

To know about that.

My lips are sealed,

I promise.

We must ring berlin

And ask my godfather,

Heinrich himmler,

To send more money

Immediately.

But how can you ring him

If the phone is cut off?

We shall use

Our special gestapo

Phone tapping equipmen

In this cupboard,

And tap into the line

Outside the village.

You have an answer

For everything, herr flick.

Of course.

It was not possibly

A good idea

To buy helga

That silk underwear,

Herr flick.

Rayon would have

Been cheaper.

You said your lips

Were sealed.

You have broken

Your promise.

Pass the first aid box.

Compress your mouth.

Step forward.

There.

That will teach you

To keep your word.

Do not remove it,

Understand?

( Mumbles )

I said, "do you

Understand?"

Yes, herr flick.

Do not remove it.

Replaster yourself.

That is better.

Now, rene,

Those are my orders.

How do you feel

About running

A newspaper?

Worried, which is

Not unusual.

Mimi, more wine.

When I was young,

I was a reporter

On a paper.

I could give him

Valuable assistance.

Ah, now that

Is a good idea.

Maybe you should

Be the editor?

No, no, rene,

It is your job,

I insist.

Now, we have to decide

What we are going

To put in the paper.

Of course,

The main story

Is how we are

Winning the w*r.

What a load

Of cobblers.

I am not familiar

With this expression.

She agrees,

But with slight reservations.

Now, to be

A good editor,

One must never

Let the facts

Get in the way

Of a good story.

I never did.

Naturally, there will

Be an article

On members

Of the garrison,

To give them

A human face.

I have some pictures

Here by chance

On my person.

This is me

Before the w*r.

Oh. Eh?

Oh, what a pretty

Little boy.

And what smart

Hiking shorts.

And this is my father,

He was very keen

On camping.

Well, you certainly

Take after him.

Then, when I was older,

I became an apprentice

Window dresser.

This is

My first window.

Ah, how appropriate--

Camping equipment.

Then the w*r came,

And suddenly I was

On the russian front.

In the snow, camping.

What a varied life

You have led.

Yes, indeed.

Well, I will

Make sure

You get a nice

Write up, lieutenant.

I knew that I could

Rely on you.

Now, general

Von klinkerhoffen

Insists that we show

How happy the french are

Under german rule.

Any suggestions?

We could take a photo

Of you and rene

Socializing.

I cannot put myself

In the paper.

How about a photograph

Of nouvion's happiest

Married couple?

But rene does not

Want to be in the paper.

Alphonse:

No, no, no, no.

I was referring

To madame fanny

And monsieur leclerc,

Our happiest honeymooners.

What a wonderful idea.

Mamma will be delighted

To be in the news.

I will go upstairs

And make her beautiful.

We cannot hold

The front page forever, edith.

Now that we three men

Are alone,

Should we not,

Perhaps,

Discuss

The question

Of a lightly clad

Young lady

In between pages

Two and four?

What purpose

Would that serve?

When I was

A young reporter,

Known as

"Flashbulb alphonse,"

It was customary

To have a photograph

Of a beautiful

Young lady in the paper

To keep interest going.

Not in the papers

I read.

I have here

A few photographs

Of previous

Beauty queens

Of nouvion.

They still have

Their original captions.

Miss top

Of the milk, 1918.

The nouvion fireman's

Daughter

Who sends

Temperatures soaring.

She appears to be a dab hand

With a hose pipe.

You cannot put

Pictures like this

In the paper,

Monsieur alphonse.

Apart from which, by now,

The milk will have curdled.

I think, lieutenant,

That if we are

Going to have

Pictures,

It should be

The honeymoon couple

And the colonel

On page three.

As always, rene,

You have

Impeccable taste.

I feel the integrity

Of this newspaper

Is assured

With your hand

On the tiller.

Thank you,

Lieutenant.

I must go

And tell the colonel

Of our progress.

These propaganda

Pamphlets

Will give you

A good idea

Of how

The w*r is going.

As you said, lieutenant,

We must not let facts

Get in the way

Of a good story.

Quite.

Psst, rene.

I must have

A word with you.

What?

I have heard

That the germans

Have reopened

The local newspaper

With you as editor.

When did you hear this?

When I was standing

Behind the door.

This is true,

But lieutenant gruber

Is really in charge.

But it was so clever of you

To agree to help.

Now that the presses

Are about to roll,

We can use them

To print a secret

Underground newspaper

For the resistance,

Calling on all france

To stand up to the aggressors.

Are you mad? You will

Get us all shot.

Monsieur,

You are in

Great danger

Of receiving

The white feather.

Send as many

As you like,

My pillow

Can always use them.

Look, I would

Like to help,

But I cannot endanger

The woman I love.

Not to mention

His wife.

If you do not

Help us,

I will put a poster

In the town square

Saying you are

A collaborator.

When do I start?

As soon as I can

Get my girls together.

Ah, so this is wha

You men get up to

When you are alone.

They are just

Old pin-ups.

Disgusting.

I have much better legs

Than any of them.

Well, we will take

Your word for that.

You do not have to.

Now, look very carefully,

I shall show these

Only once.

Oh, my dicky ticker.

Now look

What you have done.

Huh?

Are you trying to say

You want your pills?

No,

My camera.

I hope they will put

A stocking over the lens

To make ernest

Look a bit younger.

I do not want

People to think

I am married

To an old man.

Oh, monsieur alphonse

Will make you look

Young and radiant, mamma.

A remarkable camera, indeed.

Well, madame,

I would like you

And monsieur leclerc

Arms entwined,

Sitting at the table,

Having a drink.

Where is the drink?

On the table.

Quick, come on,

Hurry up,

Before the sun

Goes in.

Well, uncork it.

The champagne

Is only for show.

I am not opening

A whole bottle

For two drinks.

No plonk, no picture.

Oh, very well.

Ah, good morning, rene.

Good morning,

Lieutenant gruber.

What a charming couple

They make.

You can see the affection

In their eyes.

Oh, rene,

Does this not

Remind you

Of our honeymoon?

Well, you did

Look a bit younger.

Where do you want

Me to sit?

I think next

To madame fanny.

Excellent.

It will make

A very good photograph.

General von klinkerhoffen

Will be pleased.

Edith.

Why is this fat kraut

Sitting at our table?

Now then, mamma,

We are taking a picture

Of the colonel

Enjoying a drink

With the happiest

Honeymoon couple

In nouvion,

It is for the paper.

I do not drink

With the germans.

I spit on them.

( Spits )

That went on my tie,

You silly old bat.

Don't old bat me,

You doddering

Old duffer.

I have not

Glued down my hair

And dressed in this

Natty style

To be insulted

By a woman

Nearly old enough

To be my mother.

Oh, how dare you?

What kind

Of husband are you?

I am the kind of husband

That demands a divorce.

Good day.

And you can

Have one.

Edith, girls,

Take her

Back to her room.

Just a typical

Newlywed's tiff, colonel.

In a few months,

They will forget

All about it.

I think we'll have

To look elsewhere

For our perfect

Honeymoon couple, gruber.

I could have a picture

Taken with rene,

Just for my album.

I am not smart enough.

Watch the birdie.

( Car horn honks )

Helga:

General von

Klinkerhoffen!

Good, just the fellows

I want to see.

I have decided

We must show

The human face

Of the german army.

To this end,

We will be photographed

Relaxing and enjoying

A healthy outdoor life

With the peasants.

What exactly did you

Have in mind, general?

An informal picnic

In the countryside,

Captured on film

With the pretty girls

From the village

Joking and laughing

At our witty remarks.

What fun.

But first, to prove

How fit the master race is,

There will be

A 10 kilometer hike

For all officers

Below the rank of general.

You peasants will organize

The food and the drink

And your

Two pretty waitresses.

Thank you, general.

By the way,

Who's paying

For this jolly picnic?

The germans

Will pay of course!

You will present your bill

After we have eaten.

General, how long

Do we have

To get fit

For this hike?

Until 3:00

This afternoon.

Heil hitler.

All:

Heil hitler.

After this hike

We won't need

Profiles

In the press,

We'll need

Obituaries.

General:

Faster!

You're all

Out of condition.

Except me.

General:

Pull in over there.

By that opening.

Hey, look at me,

I'm as fit

As a flea.

In that case,

You can run around

That big field

Five times backwards.

What a mistake

To make.

We will have the picnic

And the photographs

By the big haystack

In the next field.

Follow me.

Why do I have

To go first,

Herr flick?

Because you are

A junior member

Of the gestapo.

If anything

Untoward happens,

You are expendable.

How do I

Get up there?

It is very high.

You move the leather strap

Up the pole,

And walk up using

Your special gestapo

Telegraph pole

Climbing boots.

Sometimes you are

Very simple,

Von smallhausen.

When you get

To the top,

Drop the rope

And pull me up.

And what if I fall

Before I get there?

Make sure you do not

Land on me.

I am not expendable.

It must be

A jolly photograph

Of happy collaboration.

- See?

- Ah.

- Oh!

- Oh!

Oh, what a thrill.

Groped by an itai.

Captain bertorelli,

Control yourself.

You two peasant girls,

Come and sit here by me.

You'll be safer.

I sit down

Next to you, heh heh.

( Kissing sounds )

Helga, you come

And sit by me.

It looks good

To show german officers

Being friendly

With their privates.

Ooh!

The camera is ready,

General.

I have brought three plates

In case of any error.

Perhaps you could all

Show a little more leg?

Not you, gruber.

And you two,

Look as though

You are serving us.

Oh, yes.

Come on, peasants,

Enjoy yourselves!

Yes, of course,

General.

Just hold it there.

Now, when I giggle,

Everybody giggles.

( Giggles )

Aah!

General:

Idiot, peasant!

Look what you have done.

Edith:

I am sorry, general.

Here, let me

Wipe it off.

No, give it to me.

No, no!

I will do it.

One plate for the bin.

General:

There, it's done.

Now, everybody

Back in position.

We cannot afford to waste

Photographs like this.

Now, when I smile,

Everybody smiles.

Ready.

Ah! The place is

Crawling with ants.

( Women screaming )

Some of them have

Marched up my shorts.

General:

Stop! This is not

The photograph I want.

Damn.

Smallhausen:

Yes, please connect me

As soon as you can,

Thank you.

It does not feel very safe

Up here, herr flick.

Do not be a ninny,

Von smallhausen.

Have you got

My number yet?

The operator is

Connecting me now to berlin.

( Phone rings )

- Uncle heinie?

- ( Pole creaks )

Hello.

This is your godson otto.

No, I am not

In my office.

I am, strangely enough,

Overlooking

A large haystack.

Listen, we need more--

Aaaah!

( Splatter )

General:

The gestapo have

Ruined our picnic.

Not to mention

The picture.

You will pay for this,

Herr flick.

You have just made

A very bad career move.

It is not our fault

We have pooped a picnic.

It is time to withdraw.

Where do you think

You're going?

I'm speaking to you.

This is not our lucky day,

Von smallhausen.

Run after them,

And bring them back.

- Rene?

- Uh?

Should we give them

The bill now?

That would not

Be a good idea.

We will put it

On the account.

( Theme music playing )