07x08 - Prior Engagements

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( Theme music playing )

Things have gone

From bad to worse

Here in nouvion.

We were just about

To send the airmen

Out to sea

In two wine barrels

Which were

Hidden in my cellar,

When general

Von klinkerhoffen

Confiscated the barrels

Because he thought

That they contained

A rather good

'26 Claret.

Needless to say,

The airmen are now

In his cellar

At the chateau.

If he decides

To sample the claret,

I am a dead man.

See, my hands are shaking.

In the absence of--

Of tranquilizers,

I am mixing gin

With acorn coffee.

I find that it helps

To calm me down.

Edith:

Rene.

Look.

The first edition

Of the new nouvion newspaper

Is on the streets.

I do know, edith.

I am the editor.

You are

Very naughty, rene.

You did not tell me

I had been chosen

As the spirit of nouvion.

Well, after all

Your nagging,

What else could I do?

Look at my picture.

To think of my face

Staring out

Of all the newsstands.

And under the title,

"The spirit of nouvion

Represents strength,

Virtue and beauty."

You must remember, edith,

It is a propaganda paper.

- Rene.

- Hmm?

Is there not some way

I can show my appreciation?

After all,

The cafe is empty.

Yes, of course, edith.

The sink behind

The bar is bunged up.

Go and see if you can

Clear it out, will you?

Psst.

If I am put under

Any more strain

I am going to be

Out of gin.

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

I have had the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies

We stole from

Herr flick's safe

Valued by an expert.

It is a forgery.

No.

But how do you tell?

Her boobies

Are not big enough.

They look all right to me.

I also found out

That somehow,

The original is

In the possession

Of general von klinkerhoffen

At the chateau.

We must get it.

We need the funds

For the resistance.

I am more concerned about

The airmen than this painting.

If they are found

In barrels

That came from my cellar,

We will be shot.

He is right.

The painting is

Of secondary importance.

I agree.

I will put the best brains

Of the resistance

Onto the problem

Of rescuing the airmen.

However, the resistance

Is still very short of funds.

( Register rings )

When the painting

Is recovered and sold,

You will be reimbursed.

But now, I must

Vanish like a phantom

To the hairdresser's.

Oh, rene,

You look so worried.

Would you like me

To get you some more gin?

Bols.

I will get you

Some anyway.

Colonel:

I must say, gruber,

This first edition

Is not at all bad.

Congratulations.

I supervised rene

To the best of my ability,

Making sure

He only put in the paper

What I told him.

Why you have

So many articles

About general

Von kinkyhoffen?

Because he is

The garrison commander.

And he has a big head.

Look.

He insisted

On having his picture

On the front page.

What an idiot he looks.

General von klinkerhoffen!

Ah, I see you are

All reading the paper.

The colonel,

He was just saying

How handsome you look

On the front page.

Yes, I do look

Rather dashing, don't i?

That is an excellent

Article, gruber.

You wrote about

How we are winning the w*r.

I merely took down

Your dictation, general.

Why you no print

How the italians

Are winning the w*r?

When you start,

We will.

Now, colonel,

I've had another idea

For cementing relationships

With the conquered

French peasants.

I am all ears.

A marriage between

An officer

Of the occupying forces

And a french peasant woman

Would be an excellent

Propaganda coup.

I am not sure

That the peasants

Are too keen

On marrying members

Of the occupying forces.

The prospective husband

Must persuade her

That it is a good idea.

I've already

Selected the woman.

This one.

The spirit of nouvion.

But that's madame edith

From the cafe.

As I understand it, always

Very friendly towards you.

I don't fancy

Cementing relations

With madam edith.

You won't have to.

You're already married.

Oh, yes.

So, I am.

Thank heavens.

Lieutenant gruber

And captain bertorelli

Will draw straws

For the honor

Of proposing to her.

But we don't have

Any straws,

And I am not

Of the marrying kind.

I am more the love 'em

And leave 'em.

Silence.

You will draw pencils.

Whoever gets

The shorter one,

Will marry the peasant.

And then, of course,

When the w*r is over,

We can

Have it canceled.

Heh heh heh.

Bad luck.

General,

I cannot do it.

What?

Well, my mother

Has always hoped

That I would marry

A nice blonde german.

A girl, that is.

He has always been

Very reticent

Where women

Of the opposite sex

Are concerned.

This is true.

On the other hand,

Captain bertorelli here

Is always telling

Us he's irresistible,

To women

Of the opposite sex.

Really?

He never fails.

Then captain bertorelli

Will marry

The spirit of nouvion.

But, general--

Quiet!

That is an order.

Why can't I marry

One of the waitresses?

The tall one

With the nice bum?

You will do

As you're told.

If, however,

She refuses you,

Then you can

Have a go at the waitress.

I am suddenly depressed.

Look, my feathers--

They droop.

Captain bertorelli,

Remember,

The money from the cafe

Will keep you in comfort.

And you can chase

The waitresses all night,

Whilst the spirit of nouvion

Is asleep.

You're right.

In the day I make

The money.

In the night I make

The pass.

Madam edith,

She will not resist me.

I go to the cafe today

To ask for her hand.

Good, and we will have

A reception at the chateau

To make the official

Announcement.

Colonel, you can invite

All the local dignitaries.

Heil hitler.

Heil hitler.

Heil mussolini.

( Chuckles )

What if she says no?

Nonsense.

You are the most handsome

Man in nouvion.

You'll get the cafe

And the girls.

Yes, it's called having

Your cake and eating it.

The cafe is okay,

But the crumbly old cake

I could do without.

You wanted to see me,

Herr flick?

Yes, von smallhausen.

My informants tell me

That the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies,

Which was stolen

From under my nose

While my back

Was turned,

Is on display in general

Von klinkerhoffen's

Quarters at the chateau.

Curse! It is

Beyond our reach.

Nothing is beyond

The reach of the gestapo.

But the chateau

Is heavily guarded

In front, herr flick,

And there is a moat

At the rear.

How will we get in?

We will swim across

The moat

In these

Special gestapo

Frogmen suits.

We will then scale

The wall

With the aid of this

Compressed air mechanism,

Which will fire

This grappling iron

Onto the roof

Of the castle.

We will then create

A diversion,

And steal the painting.

There is one problem

With your plan,

Herr flick.

And what is this?

I cannot swim.

Climb onto the table,

Von smallhausen,

And lie upon your face.

Yes, herr flick.

I have here

The gestapo manual

Entitled,

"Learning to swim

Very very quickly."

We will start

With the breast stroke.

Faster, von smallhausen.

It is a very wide moat.

You must help me.

It is urgent.

I have taken

Enough risks already.

What is so urgent

That you come here

In daylight, through

The front door?

Well, as you know,

I am constantly on the move.

I've had no time

To do my washing.

Please keep

The whites separate,

Two drys, and try not

To shrink the underwear.

I need to be able to move

Quickly in an emergency.

Rene, lieutenant gruber

Is heading this way.

I was at the butcher's.

I came to warn you.

Take the washing

Into the kitchen.

Michelle, quick.

Come with me

Into the back room.

Quick, quick, quick.

Rene, I'm so glad

I found you alone.

Only just.

I have come to warn you.

General von klinkerhoffen,

In the interests

Of improving relations

With the peasants,

Has ordered captain bertorelli

To marry madam edith.

No.

Yes.

But why did he

Pick on her?

And then again,

Why pick on him?

She is the spirit of nouvion.

What better choice

Could there be?

Oh my god.

So, confident is

The general of the outcome,

That he has organized

A reception

For the village dignitaries

At the chateau,

To announce the engagement.

What a nerve.

Of course,

She will refuse.

It might be better

If you got madam edith

Into hiding,

In case she falls

For his irresistible charm,

Which I must say

Escapes me.

I am grateful, lieutenant,

For the warning.

If I can save anyone

From the t*rture

Of matrimony, I will.

If only you had

Been around 25 years ago.

If only I had.

We heard every word.

Rene, why did you not

Tell the lieutenant

That you are

Married to me?

You were married

To the rene who was shot.

I am his twin brother

From nancy.

How quickly

You forget the plot.

When he proposes,

I shall tell that itai

To get knotted.

Oh, no,

Let's not be hasty.

Every cloud

Has a silver lining.

They are to hold

A reception at the chateau,

Which gives us

A splendid chance

To get

The british airmen out.

No, I am sorry.

It is out of the question.

But, do you not see?

If the airmen are found

In the wine barrels

That came

From your cellar,

You could be shot.

I know that.

But you cannot just

Walk out of there

With two wine barrels.

We do not have to.

I have made

Some preliminary notes.

Beneath the cellars

Is an underground stream.

We can drop the barrels

With the airmen into it.

The barrels will float

Down the river,

And out to sea,

To rendezvous

With the boat squadron

From england.

But the chateau

Will be full of germans.

And how do we get

Into the cellar?

Listen.

There is a tunnel

To the cellars

From the monastery.

A locked door prevents

Entry to the cellars.

You must open the door

From the inside

During the reception,

And let us in.

It is a perfect plan.

But how do we

Get to the cellar

From the reception?

The living quarters

Of the general

Are at the top

Of the chateau.

One pair of knickers

And three pounds of sausages.

No, no, I'm sorry,

I will read that again,

Those are personal notes.

I'm glad to hear it.

There is a dumbwaiter

Outside the room

Of general

Von klinkerhoffen.

You will put in it

Your small waitress, mimi,

And wind her

Down to the cellar.

She will unlock

The interconnecting door.

I will enter

With my girls

And drop the barrels

Into the stream.

It is simple.

O sole mio

It is captain bertorelli

Approaching now.

You will be doing

This for france, edith.

You must say yes.

Be brave, madam edith,

And don't worry,

We'll get you out of I

Before the wedding.

Excuse me while I vanish

Into the back room.

( Singing in italian )

Ah, the beautiful lady.

I bring you these

Beautiful flowers.

That is very

Kind of you.

( Coughs )

I don't beat about

The bush, madam edith.

I accept.

I come here today to ask

For you hand in marriage.

I accept.

Together we have

A wonderful time together.

We go for walks

In the moonlight.

We kiss with passion

Under the stars.

I accept.

Then we come home,

And count the takings

From the till.

I go on my bended knees,

Please say yes.

I already said yes.

Were you not listening?

You did?

Oh, mamma mia,

Then it is done.

Tonight we have

A big reception

At the castle

To tell everyone

How much

We love each other.

Now I give you

The kiss.

Just a little one.

Tonight,

When I come back--

When I come back

To take you to the reception,

I bring you

The engagement ring

With the diamonds

And the sapphires.

You mean you are

Rich as well?

Don't worry, I charge it

To the business.

Well done,

Madam edith.

We saw and heard

Everything.

Oh, rene,

When he forced

His lips on mine

It must have been

Difficult for you

To control yourself.

It was.

There are still

Tears in my eyes.

And then I realized

That he is more interested

In the takings

From the cafe

Than in you.

Oh, rene.

While you

Still love me,

His finger will never

Be on my till.

That is a great comfort.

Ah, good,

The sandwiches.

You there?

Is everything ready?

Yes, general.

The girls must make sure

That everyone's glasses

Are filled at all times.

This is supposed to be

A happy occasion.

The invited dignitaries

Are here.

Oh, announce them.

The head

Of the nouvion police!

Good moaning.

I am viry plosed

To moot you,

General

Von klonkerhiffen,

Lieutenant greeber,

Colonel von stream.

Monsieur alphonse,

The mayor,

The undertaker,

The hairdresser,

The vineyard owner,

And the photographer.

Where are the other

Five people you announced?

Pardon? Oh, they are

All me, general.

Allow me

To introduce myself.

My card.

Monsieur alphonse,

Funerals and burials,

Swiftly and with style.

Fortunately,

I am in good health.

Monsieur and madam leclerc.

I do not shake hands

With germans.

I spit on them.

( Spits )

Excuse me, general.

She is a little bit--

Now settle down,

You old bat.

Here, madam fanny,

Have a drink,

It will make you

Feel better.

Are you mad?

She must keep off

The booze.

And remember, you have

A part to play,

To get your old daughter

Out of this engagement.

I am an old trooper.

I will not fail.

Quick, ernest, give me

Your hip flask.

Be careful, fanny.

It is very strong.

Do not spill it

On the floor,

Or it will

Take off the polish.

Ooh.

Ha ha ha.

Ah, that hit

The spot.

Captain bertorelli

And his fiancee,

The spirit of nouvion.

My word,

This is the first time

I've seen mutton

Actually dressed

As mutton.

Were there

Any problems?

Apparently she accepted

Without hesitation.

I'm not a bit

Surprised.

This is my bride to be.

May I say,

Madam edith,

You have never looked

More beautiful.

Thank you,

Lieutenant.

Here, I pay

The compliments,

Not you.

Look at her.

What a beauty.

I am blinded by love.

That's quite obvious.

Over here.

I must congratulate you

On helping

With our w*r effort.

My chest,

It swell with pride.

Do I get a medallion?

No, but you certainly

Deserve one.

Oh, madam edith.

If you marry

This man,

You will break

My ticker,

Which is

Already dicky.

Don't worry,

Monsieur alphonse.

I am only going

Through the motions.

I shudder to think

Of you going

Through the motions

With this feathered wop.

I gnash

Some of my teeth.

Please,

Control yourself.

I cannot.

As a matter

Of principle,

I must challenge

My rival to a duel.

It is expected.

A word with you,

Monsieur.

What's up?

You have taken the hand

Of the woman I love.

I demand satisfaction.

It is a local custom.

In italy the husband

Gets the satisfaction.

The locals don't

Get a look in.

I demand

The satisfaction

Of a duel

To the death.

Name your time

And place.

Aah.

Aah.

What's that for?

It is also part

Of the local custom.

Okey-dokey, dawn tomorrow,

In the woods.

Well, I have done

What is expected of me.

I must inform you

That I am

The best shot

In the italian army.

In that case,

I must inform you

That I have a prior

Engagement,

Otherwise, I would go

And embalm myself

Immediately.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

( Owl hoots )

Flick:

That is the window

Of the general's quarters.

It is very high.

Do not be a wimp,

Von smallhausen.

We cross the moat,

Fire the grappling iron,

Climb the almost

Insurmountable wall.

After creating

A diversion,

We steal the painting,

And return

To our quarters.

I must point out,

Herr flick,

I have not yet

Fully mastered

The technique

Of swimming.

What if I get

Into difficulties?

You will continue

Walking underwater

For as long

As you can.

Are you ready to go

Down into the cellar,

My brave little mimi?

For you, rene,

I'm always ready.

Yvette will

Lower you down.

Why cannot I go?

Because I am

Braver than you,

And you are

Fatter than me.

Oh, how dare you?

Shorty.

Fatty.

- Shorty.

- Fatty.

- Shorty shorty--

- Fatty fatty--

Stop that, stop it you two.

You are both brave.

Now come along, mimi.

Climb in.

Good luck, mimi.

I must get back

To the festivities.

And if I am asked

About this,

Of course I know

Nothing about it.

Trust us.

Good, yes.

Be careful how

You lower me down.

It is a long drop.

Do not tell me

What to do.

Aren't you one

Of the waitresses

From the cafe?

What if I am?

You gave me a little

Kiss the other night,

And promised another

The next time we met.

I don't remember.

Oh!

Ah!

Oh, oh, oh,

Oh, oh, ah!

I see it's all

Coming back to you.

Oh, oh--

Quick, mimi.

It is i, michelle.

Open the door.

The key is

Big and old,

But I am strong.

There.

Well done.

Ah, there are

The barrels.

Fairfax? Carstairs?

Can you hear me?

- Hello.

- Hello.

We've come--

We've come

To get you out.

About time.

The rats have been

Gnawing at my bum.

Well, pop back in, chaps.

We're going to drop you

In the river

And start your journey.

Jolly good.

Cheerio.

Michelle, I hope

This plan works.

My subscription

To wentworth

Runs out next week.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Cheerio.

Michelle:

Open the trap door.

- ( Loud splash )

- Aah!

Ooh, ooh, oh,

Oh, waaaah!

( Loud splash )

Quick, mimi. Get back

Before you are missed.

Is she not back yet?

Oh, she is very heavy.

Oh, I will do it.

- Go and serve the drinks.

- All right.

Rene, what are you

Doing out here?

You are missing

All the fun.

Just running

Out of wine, lieutenant.

I sent mimi down

To get some more.

That looks like

Heavy work.

Let me

Give you a hand.

It is-- it is

All right, lieutenant.

I can manage.

Nonsense.

Look, I am terribly sorry

About madam edith.

I wish I could

Have prevented

This dreadful

Engagement.

Well, thank you

For trying.

Don't worry.

If your nights

Become lonely,

We can always

Chat by the bar.

That would be

A great comfort.

Oh, ah.

Here is mimi now.

Gruber, rene,

Come at once.

The general's about

To make a speech.

Ah.

Well done, mimi.

I have overcome

Great danger.

Hold me and kiss me.

You will just

Have to settle

For a "well done, mimi."

Silence!

I have invited

All you local peasants

Here tonight

To hear

An important

Announcement.

To cement the friendship

Between the occupying forces

And the peasants,

I have decided

To give my permission

For a marriage

To take place

Between captain bertorelli

And the spirit of nouvion,

From the cafe rene.

Have you got the ring?

What a whopper!

It will be

Yours tonight.

Captain bertorelli is,

Of course, an italian,

And not a true aryan,

But it's the spirit

Of the occasion that counts.

Where is the photographer?

I am here, general.

My equipment is

At the ready.

We will have

The official

Engagement photograph

Over here.

I wish to take

This opportunity

To display a fabulous

Art treasure

Which has been acquired

For the glory

Of the third reich.

As you will see,

It is the fallen madonna

With the big boobies

By van clomp,

Which will soon

Be on its way

To the fuhrer.

Let this be a lesson

To you all,

We germans always

Succeed in the end!

( Applause )

The happy couple

May join me.

Come along, you old bat.

This is the moment.

What?

It is my pleasure

To announce

This engagement

Officially,

And I trust you

Will all join me

In wishing captain bertorelli

And his bride to be

Every happiness.

I do not.

Who said that?

My daughter edith

Will never marry

That ugly feathered wop

As long as

I have a breath

Left in m-y-y

( Screaming )

Body-y-y-y-y!

Who is the nutcase?

She is kiptin

Bertorolli's

Future mother inloo.

My mother inloo?

I will cut you off

Without a sou,

You traitress.

You will never

Have my cafe now.

Her cafe?

But I thought it

Was your cafe?

It is mamma's.

She shall never

Disgrace my family

By marrying that dago.

Dago?

I'm from napoli.

That's even worse.

I've changed my mind.

The wedding it's off.

You could lose your rank

And medals for this.

You can keep

The medals.

Mussolini, he made me

The captain, not you.

General:

To hell with mussolini!

That is the last time

I trust an itai

With a silly walk.

I see the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies.

It is time

To activate

Our special gestapo

Fire alarm

As a diversion.

I am ready,

Herr flick.

Very well, activate

Your helmet.

( Fire alarm clanging )

Fire alarm, general!

Quick, evacuate

The room. Quick!

Deactivate

The fire alarm,

Von smallhausen.

- What?

- Switch it off.

Now, jump.

How do we know

The moat is deep enough

To break our fall,

Herr flick?

You will test it.

Aah!

( Thud )

Obviously not.

That was not even

Our fire alarm.

There must be

Another one

Somewhere.

The picture is gone.

I'm not blind. Guards,

Search for intruders.

It could not have been

One of the posants,

As we were all

Outsod in the pissage.

Rene:

What an evening.

Edith:

But a successful one.

I got out of marrying

Captain bertorelli.

( Laughter )

Mimi:

And michelle got

The british airmen away.

Thank goodness

We will never

Have to see those two

British idiots again.

( Laughing )

Fairfax:

Hello?

Tell me

This is a dream.

Fairfax:

I say,

We seem to have taken

The wrong passage

In the underground

Stream.

Carstairs:

The grating's jammed.

What did they say?

They have taken

The wrong pissage.

I'm afraid there has been

An almighty kick-up.

You took the weeds

Right out of my mooth.

( Theme music playing )