07x09 - Soup and Sausage

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

You may wonder why

I am stuffing a string

Of freshly cooked sausages

Down my trousers.

There is, of course,

A simple explanation

For all this.

The idiot british airmen

Were hidden in barrels

In the wine cellar

At the chateau

And the plan was

To float them out to sea

In the underground stream,

Which runs

Beneath the cellar.

Needless to say,

The stupid airmen

Floated down

The wrong passage

And they are now

Stuck in the drain

In the middle

Of the town square.

We cannot--

We cannot open

The rusty grating

To get them out,

So michelle has instructed me

To feed the airmen

By standing over the drain

And lowering the sausages

Down my trouser leg.

As usual, my wife edith

Has over-catered.

( Growling )

Oh, rene,

We are alone at last.

Hold me in your arms.

Both:

Oh!

Be careful, yvette,

Some of these sausages

Are still very hot.

I can feel the heat

Through my dress.

( Both giggle )

Here I have the mustard

For the british airmen.

I will tie the string

To your belt

And slip the pot

Down your other leg.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Rene!

What is that serving girl

Doing to you?

You stupid woman.

Can you not see,

This poor child is examining--

Trying to--

You tell her.

I am making sure

Rene has the mustard

In his trousers.

What?!

It is for the airmen.

I will do that.

Here, you get

In the kitchen

And peel the potatoes.

But I have already

Peeled them.

Well, peel them again!

Here, rene,

Let me help you.

I can manage, edith,

Thank you.

You have cooked

Too many sausages.

There is barely room

For them in my trousers.

Ah, michelle,

Have you found a way

Of getting rid of

The airmen yet?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

Monsieur alphonse

Is examining the grating

To see if it

Can be forced up.

The airmen are trapped

On a ledge

Next to the overflow pipe

From this cafe.

So under no circumstances

Should anyone

- Flush the toilet.

- ( Toilet flushes )

I must remember to tell

Mamma and monsieur leclerc.

Let us hope the airmen

Have not been washed away.

On the contrary,

Let us hope they have!

Are the bangers

In your pants?

All present

And piping hot.

Michelle,

What about drink?

The garlic

In the sausage

Will make

The airmen thirsty.

My resistance girls

Are adapting

Madame fanny's

Wheelchair.

They are putting a tank

Of soup underneath it

With a tap.

When monsieur leclerc

Takes madame fanny

For her morning stroll

In the wheelchair,

He will stop over the drain,

Open the tap,

And let the airmen

Drink the soup.

Oh, madame edith,

Something terrible

Has happened.

Madame fanny has gone.

Gone?

What do you mean?

She and monsieur leclerc

Had a row last night.

He found this note

On the pillow when

He woke up.

He is distraught.

Oh--

Mamma has gone to stay

With her cousin in avignon,

The one who runs

The kennels.

Well, she should

Feel at home there.

Did monsieur leclerc

Say what the row

Was about?

Apparently,

She was complaining

About his demands

For conjugal rights.

Was he making many?

No, that is what

She was complaining about.

This is bad news.

If madame fanny has gone,

That puts paid to my plan

For giving the airmen

The soup.

Someone will have

To take her place.

I will do it.

I can turn myself

Into the old woman.

( Witchlike voice )

Ah, edith.

No, mimi,

You are much too small.

Madame edith,

You will have to do it.

How could I make myself

Look old and wrinkled?

Wear one

Of your hats

And try a little

Less make-up.

Oh, you must, madame edith.

The lives of the airmen

May depend on it,

And you are an artiste.

Very well,

I will do it.

I will wear one

Of mamma's dresses

And put on her old sun hat.

I will suck in my cheeks

To make myself look toothless,

And hunch my shoulders

To make me look

Old and arthritic.

I never realized

She was that old.

( Imitating mamma )

The germans,

I spit on them.

( Spitting )

Now stop wasting time,

And go upstairs

To get ready,

You silly old bat.

Rene, how dare you

Speak to me like that!

I am sorry, edith,

But you were so realistic

I am already thinking of you

As my mother-in-law.

Good moaning.

Oh, good morning,

Monsieur.

What are you deeing

Crotching on all fears

In the middle

Of the squeer?

I am checking

These rusty hinges

To see if we can get

The british airmen out.

Of course, the earmen.

We must roscue them

As soon as pissable.

Hmm?

There is little hope

Of that, I am afraid.

The hinges

Are rusted solid.

That is bad nose indood.

I must inform michelle.

She has secreted herself

In the cafe.

I say, chaps,

Can you hear me?

- Hello!

- Hello!

Crabtree:

Keep your chins up, chaps.

Are you all right?

Well, uh

It pongs a bit down here.

Is someone

Doing something?

Crabtree:

Don't worry,

The undertaker's

Taking care of everything.

I say, I don't like

The sound of that.

Must dash, chaps.

Jerry on horizon.

Good moaning.

Nice doo.

I don't like I

Much down here.

I know, old boy.

Still, it does have

Its compensations.

Ah, monsieur alphonse,

Have you made any progress?

The drain cover

Will not move.

It has not been opened

For years.

But that is dreadful.

What are we to do?

I could perhaps loosen

The hinges with a hammer,

But I cannot go out

Into the square

And start banging

In broad daylight.

Yes, that might

Arouse suspicion.

Could you not

Park your hearse

Over the drain

And work underneath it?

Do not be ridiculous,

Michelle.

The germans would still

Hear him banging.

An idea has just

Entered my brain.

We could perhaps use

Your old ice cream wagon?

The one I keep

In my garage?

The noise of the ice

Making machinery

Would disguise

Our activities underneath.

Oh, that is

A good idea!

The germans

Would not suspect

An ice cream van.

But it has been

Laid up since it

Broke down in 1934.

The engine might need

A little tinkering

But the freezer

Still works.

I occasionally use it

For storing bodies.

Your waitresses

Could serve the ice cream,

And you, rene,

You can drive the van.

Oh no, no, no.

I am playing no part

In this crackpot idea.

Listen,

If those airmen

Are found in the drain,

They may crack

Under interrogation

And reveal who has been

Sheltering them.

And the finger

Will point at you,

Monsieur.

Well, as usual,

I do not seem to have

Much choice.

Well, I will go

For a tinker.

And I will go

And feed the airmen.

You are walking

Very strangely, monsieur.

If you had

Down your trousers

What I have down mine,

You would walk strangely.

Big head!

I say, carstairs,

That cafe chappie's

Up there

Dropping something

Down his trousers!

It's sausages, fairfax.

Thank god for that.

Good morning, rene.

I'm sorry

I made you jump.

Good morning,

Lieutenant gruber.

I was just

Taking the air.

My stomach is a little

Fragile this morning.

Oh, dear lieutenant,

I hope it's nothing serious.

I think it was the cottage pie

I had in the cafe last night.

Are you all right, rene?

You appear to have

A twitch in your leg.

Oh, it is nothing.

Just a slight muscle strain

From carrying heavy crates

Up from the cellar.

Perhaps someone

Should look at it?

No, that is

Not necessary,

But thank you

For your concern.

Rene--

Rene, is it my imagination

Or is there a sausage

Popping out of the end

Of your trousers?

No, no you are

Seeing correctly.

These sausages were

Past their eat-by date

So I was disposing them

To safeguard our customers.

That is most commendable.

And how typical of you.

Oh.

But would it not

Be simpler just to

Pop them in the dustbin?

We do not want anybody

To suffer from food poisoning.

We put the worst food

From the cafe

Straight down here.

In that case, rene,

May I make a suggestion?

Of course, lieutenant.

Perhaps next time

You could do the same

With madame edith's

Cottage pie?

So, von smallhausen,

Are you ready

To commence

The forging of a copy

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies

By van clomp,

Which we so audaciously

Stole from the chateau

Behind general von

Klinkerhoffen's back

Under his very nose?

Yes, herr flick.

I will do my best.

I have carefully

Traced around the painting

To make it easier for you.

The code for the colors

Is here.

It is a great help,

Herr flick.

Number one is for red,

Two for blue,

Three for green

And four for a pinky

Flesh color.

That is a large pot,

Herr flick.

It is for her boobies,

Which occupy

Much of the painting.

And what shall we do

About this forgery?

I will plant it in the office

Of colonel von strohm.

An anonymous telephone call

Will inform general

Von klinkerhoffen where it is,

The colonel will be accused

Of stealing it

And be sent

To the russian front

Where he will no longer

Be a pain in the bum.

It is a very risky plan,

Herr flick.

Do not worry,

Von smallhausen.

If anything goes wrong,

You will carry the can.

I shall be proud to be a cog

In the wheel, herr flick.

A very small cog.

I am a big cog.

Now get on

With the forging.

I am going

To take helga

These flowers.

If you do

A really good job,

I may let helga

Give you a kiss.

The thought has made

My hand shake, herr flick.

Take a tranquilizer,

Von smallhausen.

I do not want

A nipple on her nose.

The paper clips

And stationery

Are in the top drawer.

If you can't find anything,

Private bigstern,

Just ask lieutenant gruber.

He's very helpful.

He seemed a nice fellow

When you introduced me

To him and the colonel.

Handsome, too--

Quite tickled my fancy.

He's never tickled mine.

- Good morning, helga.

- Good morning, general.

Is this a new

Member of staff?

I am off

On my training course,

Private bigstern

Is taking my place.

No one can possibly

Take your place, helga.

Although on

Second thoughts,

I could be wrong.

I will be taking over

All of private

Geerhart's duties, general.

In that case,

I might have

Some overtime

For you one

Evening this week.

It will be a pleasure,

General.

That is what

I hope.

I will miss helga,

You know.

But that new girl,

She has a lot going for her.

Already she's

Given me the wink.

Don't start getting ideas,

Bertorelli.

She gave me the wink also.

She winked at me, too.

I can't think why.

General

Von klinkerhoffen!

We shall have

To get cheese

For our ears, gruber.

This new girl

Is worse than helga.

Heil hitler!

Now, colonel,

I wish to know what progress

You have made in the search

For the miscreants

Who stole the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies

By van clomp,

From my headquarters

In the chateau?

Gruber,

Tell the general

What progress

We're making.

Uh well

Of course, after you

Announced the curfew,

We carried out

A house-to-house search,

And rounded up

All the usual suspects.

We are also stopping

And searching

Everyone leaving the village.

In other words, you've

Made no progress at all.

No, general.

But we're trying

Very hard.

My men, they are working

Round the clock,

Sometimes two or three

Hours a day.

If I do not see

Some results soon,

The chances of you

All being sent

To the russian front

Will improve considerably.

Whoops.

Particularly yours.

Is that clear?

Yes, general!

Heil hitler.

Heil hitler.

Heil mussolini.

Don't be silly.

The generali--

I don't think he likes me.

Nobody likes you.

If your men were

More efficient,

We might have found

The painting by now.

After all,

They are criminals.

They ought to know

Where to look.

Why is it always me

Who gets the blame

For all the c*ck-ups?

We have to blame someone.

And you're the only

Itai we know.

Who are you?

I am looking

For helga.

She has gone on a course.

I'm her replacement.

I am herr flick,

Head of the nouvion

Gestapo,

Godson of

Heinrich himmler,

Scourge

Of the resistance,

And a bit of a one

For the girls.

You may have heard of me?

No.

I had come here

To ask helga out

This afternoon,

But you look

A fine specimen.

You will do

Just as well.

What do you say?

Well, I am a new girl here.

I think I'd better

Ask permission first.

Permission to speak,

Colonel?

What is it, private bigstern?

There is someone outside

Calling himself herr flick.

He has asked me out.

Is it wise for me to accept?

Herr flick?!

Oh, no, elsa,

He's a particularly

Nasty character.

He's a horrible,

Little worm.

You come out

With me instead.

What a mistake

To make.

Wait a minute!

This could be

Our opportunity

To put a spy

In flick's camp,

Now that helga's

No longer intimate

With him.

That is an idea,

Colonel.

He also may

Know something

About the theft

Of the painting.

Private bigstern,

You will accept

Herr flick's invitation,

Become close to him,

And report everything

He says and does to us.

Particularly if he has

A painting in his quarters.

Of a girl

With big boobies.

They might not seem big to you,

But they are to us.

I will do my best.

Heil hitler!

She's new keen,

Pity she's a girl.

Very well, herr flick.

I accept your invitation.

Good.

Report to my secret

Headquarters this afternoon.

What is the address?

Here is my card.

It is blank.

Breathe on it for 30 seconds

And the words will appear.

You are a lucky man,

Herr flick.

I'm very popular

In the mess,

And do not

Usually go out

With balding little

Men in glasses.

I beg your pardon?

You may kiss me now.

I'll see you later,

Herr flick.

Much later.

I must do some

Press-ups first.

Hallo, chaps.

- Hallo.

- Hallo.

I've just been talking

To the cafe chappie.

He's wheeling out his old

Mother-in-law in a minute,

With some homemade soup.

She'll pour it

Down the grate for you.

How are we supposed

To drink it?

You'll just have

To improvise.

We can't get the mugs

Through the bars.

Why don't we use

Our boots, carstairs?

Good idea.

Damn,

Both of mine have

Got holes in them.

Oh, you can have one

Of mine if you like.

I think I'd rather

Use my cap, old boy.

You know what you have

To do, monsieur leclerc?

Yes, yes.

I am to wheel the chair

Over the drain,

And turn on the tap.

I am not stupid.

We know you are not,

Monsieur leclerc.

First impressions

Can be deceptive.

Oooh, rene,

I can feel the soup boiling

In the tank underneath me.

I think the primus

Is too high.

Release some of the pressure

With the steam valve.

( Steam spurting )

There's a lot of garlic

In that soup.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have told the earmen

To expect the soap.

I thought we were

Giving them soup?

He means soup.

I wish you would learn

To speak proper french.

Your mither-in-loo is

Not looking very well.

She is more wronkled

And higgard than usual.

It is me,

Officer crabtree.

My mother is not here,

So I am taking her place.

It is a good disgeese.

Off you go,

And get it right.

It is a simple

Enough task,

Any fool could do it.

But you were

Top of the list.

The old lady

In the wheelchair

Is coming this way.

Jolly good.

Get ready for soup.

This is the drain,

Madame edith.

Turn on the tap then,

Monsieur leclerc.

Oh my god, what is

That idiot doing?

He is putting the soap

Down the wring droon!

Can they get

Nothing right?

Fairfax:

The soup's coming down

The wrong drain.

Quick, fairfax,

Before it runs out.

What are you doing,

You idiots?

Go back to the cafe,

I will take over.

Edith:

What is wrong,

Rene?

You were over the wrong drain,

You silly old bat.

Rene,

How dare you speak

To me like that!

I'm sorry, edith, but you're

More like your mother,

Than your mother.

Damn blighters

Have gone.

That's jolly unfair.

I was dying for a drink.

Look!

It's coming down

The other one now.

Blasted froggies,

Can't get anything right.

I am sorry too, rene,

I did not notice it

Was the wrong drain.

Now it is the right one.

I say, carstairs,

I didn't get any.

- ( Knocking )

- Who is it?

Private

Elsa bigstern!

Let her in,

Von smallhausen.

It is my new date.

Helga is away.

I was expecting you.

I wasn't.

This is

Von smallhausen,

My assistant.

Would you like me

To kiss him?

That will not

Be necessary.

Let's not be hasty,

Herr flick.

Go to your cupboard,

Von smallhausen.

Would you like

A drink?

The tap water here

Is excellent.

You do not have

To beat about the bush

With me, herr flick.

Remove your glasses!

I am not accustomed

To being given orders.

I believe

A woman should always be

Dominant in a relationship.

I have

Different views.

But without

My glasses,

It not easy

To express them.

Take off your tie.

I do not strip

On first dates.

Then I will do it

For you.

Von smallhausen,

Help.

You're on your own,

Herr flick.

I'm locking myself

In my cupboard.

This is a very

Wobbly van, rene.

Everything is very wobbly.

This ice cream

Will curdle.

Let us hope we can

Get the job done

Before it affects

Anything else.

Where is monsieur alphonse?

Oh, my dicky ticker.

I don't think I can stand it

In here for too long.

Oh my god,

Monsieur alphonse

Has got overheated.

Will you pass me

A frozen drink on a stick?

That's better.

Thank you,

Mademoiselle.

Are you sure you

Are up to this?

Oh, of course, monsieur.

I have here my big--

Hammer

And chisel,

Which I use for engraving

Gravestones.

I shall drop down through

The trap door beneath the van,

And under the clatter

Of the engines,

I shall bang out

The rusty bolts.

Be careful,

Monsieur alphonse.

There are germans

Everywhere.

I will do my best,

But I am not

As young as I was.

I shall only be able to bang

For short periods.

This I can believe.

I will attach a hook

To the cover of the drain,

And use the auxiliary motor,

Which powers

The ice cream pump,

To raise up the grating.

To--

Excusez-moi.

This could be a long job.

I think I'll have a lolly

While we are waiting.

Thank you,

The day is warmer

Than I thought.

This lovely warm weather

Has put me

In an excellent mood.

Bring us three glasses

Of iced champagne.

Of course,

Colonel.

That is most generous

Of you, colonel.

Put it on

Bertorelli's account.

Not on

Your nelly.

You pay

For your drinks,

I pay for mine.

( Honking )

Ah, so,

This is how

You spend your time--

Idling away the hours

When you should be out

Searching high and low

For my missing painting.

Glad to see you,

General.

We were just holding

A meeting to discuss

How to tighten up

Security in the village.

Well, you can begin

By explaining to me

What that ice cream van

Is doing in the middle

Of the square.

It looks as if

It belongs to rene,

Who runs the cafe,

General.

Who gave permission?

Did you give permission,

Gruber?

No.

- Did you, bertorelli?

- No.

Well, I didn't.

That is most lax

Of you, colonel.

We cannot have unauthorized

Ice cream vans

Parked in the square.

What if a convoy

Wanted to come through?

Summon the owner

At once.

Gruber, attract

Rene's attention.

Yoo-hoo, rene!

Can we

Have a word?

Oh my god, the lieutenant

Is waving to me.

I will try

To keep the germans

Away from here.

Coming, lieutenant.

Alphonse:

Yvette, mimi!

Where is rene?

He has had to go

To lieutenant gruber

At the cafe.

Good afternoon,

General,

Colonel,

Lieutenant, captain.

I hope everything

Is all right.

We did not

Give you

Permission to sell

Ice cream, rene.

I am sorry,

Colonel.

I thought that as I had

A license to run a cafe,

This was was merely a small

Extension of the business.

We did not mean

To break any rules.

Military regulations

Strictly prohibit

The sale of any foodstuffs

Without a permit.

I assure you,

General,

The ice cream is as tasty

As any of the food

We serve in the cafe.

That's not saying much.

Only the italians

Can make the ice cream.

That's all you're fit for.

Where did you get

The petrol?

It is rationed

And for military use only.

It does not use petrol,

General.

We are actually running it

On furniture polish.

Pfft, you still did not

Seek permission.

Oh, please,

General.

The weather

Is so warm,

We thought

Your men might like

Some ice cream when

They were off duty.

How thoughtful

Of you.

It really is very good

Ice cream, general.

I am not a monster who would

Forbid the sale of ice cream.

If it is so good,

Perhaps we should

Try some.

No-- problem,

General.

Oh my god, the germans

Are coming this way.

We must warn

Monsieur alphonse.

Do not fear,

Messieurs.

The winch will have you

Out in a jiffy.

What did he say,

Carstairs?

No idea, old boy.

Don't speak a word

Of the language.

Monsieur alphonse,

The germans,

The germans!

I'm almost finished.

Do not be

In such a hurry.

This is a very

Noisy engine.

The ice making machinery

Is on its last legs,

I am afraid.

Well, what shall

We have?

Cornets

All around?

After you,

General.

Yvette, an ice cream for

General von klinkerhoffen.

Yes, of course.

Make it the biggest

One you have.

Have you anything to say?

Would you like

A wafer with it?

( Theme music playing )