08x05 - Awful Wedded Wife

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

You would not believe how

Exciting things are getting

Here in nouvion.

Yesterday we had a visit

From none other

Than the dreaded

Hitler himself. Mmm!

And goering,

His sidekick.

They were inspecting

The german troops in the town.

My small waitress mimi,

She volunteered

To crawl down a drain,

And plant a b*mb

Under their car.

But as luck would have it,

She accidentally

Planted the b*mb

Under the old car

That edith had just bought me

For my birthday.

We were going

To go for a spin

To relive the memories

Of our courting days,

But a big bang surprised us.

Fortunately, it was not

A very powerful b*mb

So we both emerged unhurt.

Well-- well, almost.

Delayed shock has affected

My wife's voice

And she is uncertain

Whether she will be able

To sing in the cafe

For several days.

So, as they say,

Every cloud does have

A silver lining.

- I have given madame fanny

Her lentil soup.

- Ah, good.

Oh, rene, at last

I have a moment to talk

To you alone.

- Oh, hold me.

- Oh, yvette.

Oh, rene, my whole body

Is trembling with

Different emotions.

- Can you not feel them?

- Yes.

Even through my apron.

- Oh, rene.

- What?

If you'd have been k*lled

In that expl*si*n

Our child would have

Been born fatherless.

Oh, calm yourself, yvette.

I was not hurt.

I just lost the seat

Of my trousers and

Some small change.

I have spoken

With the priest again

About us marrying in secret,

And he was optimistic tha

Permission would be given

Whenever convenient.

Well, after the w*r is over

Would be convenient.

Oh, but that could

Be months away!

Our child must

Be born in wedlock,

Otherwise

Think of the shame.

I am, but you must not

Hurry these things, yvette.

It is most unsettling to be

Blown up on your birthday

When you are in your late 30s.

Oh, rene.

Rene!

What are you doing

With that servant girl

In your arms?

You stupid woman!

Can you not see

That this poor child

Is still traumatized

From yesterday's expl*si*n?

Just go upstairs,

Yvette, and lie down

In the broom cupboard--

In the bedroom--

In the bedroom

Until you are

Feeling better.

- Thank you, rene.

- Oh, I am sorry, rene.

I have not got

Over that bang.

The gear stick went through

The brim of my hat.

God must have been

Watching over me.

Yes, how he knew

It was you under that hat

Will always

Be a mystery to me.

Oh, by the way,

How is your voice?

I have been gargling

With an herb tonic,

But I do not think I am

Up to singing in the cafe

This evening.

- Oh.

- Listen.

- ( Warbles off-key )

- Stop!

Stop, you might

Lose it altogether.

You must not

Sing tonight, edith.

I do hope the customers

Will not mind.

Oh, I am sure they

Will find a way

To hide

Their disappointment.

- ( Bell rings )

- Rene, rene!

Michelle of the resistance

Wants to speak to you urgently.

Oh, heck, what now?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

Hitler and goering are

Still at the chateau.

We have placed expl*sives

On the bridge over the river

On the main road

Out of town.

When hitler and goering

Drive over the bridge

To return to berlin,

- My girls will blow them up.

- Oh, what brains, michelle.

Where is the nitroglycerin

I left here for safekeeping?

It is in a gin bottle

Behind the bar.

- I will get it.

- Yes, go.

- It is not here.

- Not there?

The gin bott--

The nitro--

The gin bottle is--

It is lucky we have enough

expl*sives to blow the bridge

Over the river.

But it is open countryside,

Michelle.

Where will you hide

To set them off?

Even as we speak,

My girls are underwater

In the river

Breathing through straws

With their hands on

Their plungers.

Will they not shrivel up?

They are taking it in turns.

Besides, my girls are

The toughest resistance fighters

In all of france.

They can withstand

Any hardship.

Oh, michelle!

Michelle!

What is it, annette?

You are supposed to be

Submerged until further orders.

- I couldn't take it anymore.

- What is the matter?

- I have frogs in my knickers.

- ( Croaking )

Oh my god,

That is awful.

I thought your girls could

Withstand any hardship.

Even the toughest

Resistance fighter

Would crack with frogs

In her knickers.

I wouldn't.

And I've had frogs

In my knickers.

Annette, I will find

A substitute for you.

And meanwhile, go home

And extricate the frogs.

No no!

One moment.

I have a better idea.

Mimi, take annette

Into the kitchen

And remove the frogs

From her.

How very thoughtful

Of you, rene,

I shall rewrite

Tonight's menu.

I shall make

The special.

Frogs' legs

In butter and garlic.

I cannot drink

This lentil soup.

It gives me

Terrible wind.

Did you

Get the gin, ernest?

( Laughs )

I stole this from under

The bar last night.

They will never notice

It has gone.

We used to call

That c*ck a volcano.

Too much gin and it could take

The top right off your head.

I will give it

A good shake, fanny.

There-- like I used to

When I was a handsome

Young barman

At madame courtesan's.

Then I could shake

All right.

( expl*si*n )

( Fanny moaning )

I think we had better take

That lentil soup off the menu.

What worries me,

Colonel,

Is we have not

Heard any more

From the resistance

About their

Blackmail demand.

What if they send that

Incriminating photograph

Of me holding

The fallen madonna to

The general without telling us?

Then we'll be even deeper

In the doo-dah.

I wonder if we could somehow

Contact the resistance

And stall them.

But how?

Tell them we are

Still trying

To raise the 10 million

Francs ransom

And delay things

Until juan garcia arrives

To take us to spain.

It's a straw,

But let's clutch it.

How do we get in touch

With the resistance?

There is rene

At the cafe.

Go and see him, gruber,

And give him

A million francs

As a down payment

For the resistance

To show them we're

Acting in good faith.

An excellent

Delaying tactic.

Colonel, I must speak

To you urgently.

What is it, helga?

I have learned that herr flick

And von smallhausen

Are still locked in the dungeons

At the chateau.

Clearly the exploding

Knockwurst sausage

I gave them to aid their escape

Did not work.

It did, but instead

Of blowing out the bars

Of flick's cell,

It blew up the doubles

Of hitler and goering.

Which is why the colonel and I

Had to take their place

For the salute.

Remember this?

That was you?

I was too far away

To recognize you.

But I must say I thought

You looked very masterful

In the fuhrer's uniform.

The fuhrer is always

Masterful!

I wanted to run

Across the square

And kiss you passionately.

That mustache is taking

You over.

- Remove it.

- Sorry.

Colonel, if we do not

Get herr flick out

Of the dungeon,

He will tell the general

That we robbed the garrison

Pay truck.

God, I'd forgotten.

Helga, you--!

Helga, you must go

And see herr flick.

Tell him that we are

Contacting his godfather

Heinrich himmler

To get him released.

I've already been

To see him twice--

As a tart and a nun.

What can I go as

This time?

You'll think

Of something.

Oh, and, helga?

Don't take him

Any more expl*sives.

Gruber and I may be called

To the chateau to play

Our roles.

We don't want to be

Blown up.

Especially by

A knockwurst sausage!

Ah, good morning,

Lieutenant.

Good morning, rene.

I wonder if I might have

A private word with you.

Of course, lieutenant.

Come to the bar.

Rene

I will be very direct

With you.

I have one million francs

In my trousers.

I want you do do something

For me.

I am rather busy

At the moment, lieutenant.

Please, rene, I only want you

To do me a favor.

Must be a big one.

It is only a small one,

I assure you.

I want you to contact

The resistance for me.

But I do not know

The resistance!

And I believe you, rene.

But they have a compromising

Photograph of me

Which they have threatened

To send to the general

If I do not pay them a ransom

Of 10 million francs.

No!

That is awful, lieutenant.

It is rather

Distressing.

Now if no one is looking,

I will produce it for you.

No one is looking.

Now you take

The one million francs

Which I would like you

Somehow to give to the people

Who you do not know

In the resistance.

Tell them I am trying to raise

The rest of the money

But I need more time--

A few days at least.

I-- I will do my best,

Lieutenant.

Thank you, rene.

I will be eternally grateful.

Oh, and remember--

If there is ever anything

I can do for you in return

Let me know.

I cannot think of anything

At the moment.

- Rene?

- Hmm?

- The soup is ready

For you to taste.

- Yes, I am coming.

Here, take this. It is

Half a million francs

From lieutenant gruber.

Make sure that michelle

Gets it if she comes in.

It is the down payment

On her ransom demand.

- Edith: yvette! Yvette!

- Yes, madame edith?

Mimi, give this quarter

Of a million francs

From lieutenant gruber

To michelle

When she comes in.

It is down payment

On the ransom.

It would take years

For an honest working girl

To earn this.

Lucky I'm a tart.

- Go upstairs

And see to the beds.

- Yes, madame edith.

Mimi, you go up

And help her.

Madame edith, here is

125,000 Francs

For michelle

From lieutenant gruber.

It is down payment

On the ransom.

Ah, michelle,

Just the person.

Lieutenant gruber lef

This 62,500 francs

For you

As down payment

On the ransom.

62,500 Francs?

Pin money!

They will have to do

Better than that.

If anyone wants me,

I shall be at the hairdressers.

- ( Doorbell dings )

- Ah.

Back again, lieutenant.

I have just been

Soup tasting.

So I see from your tie.

Rene, I have had

Second thoughts.

I cannot ask you

To take the risk

Of contacting

The resistance for me.

I will try to deal

With them myself

So I will take the one

Million francs back.

Well, I will try to get it

For you, lieutenant.

Please take a seat.

Yvette!

- Yvette!

- Yes, rene?

Give me

The half a million francs

I just gave you.

- Oh, I only have

Quarter of a million.

- What?!

- I gave the rest to mimi.

- ( Groans )

Mimi!

I spread it around

For safekeeping.

Where's the quarter

Of a million francs that

Yvette just gave you?

- I only have half.

- What?

I gave 125,000 francs

To madame edith.

Oh god.

Edith!

They do not

Know what it is for,

So your secret is safe.

Where is the 125,000 francs

That mimi gave you?

I only have 62,500

Francs.

- I gave the other half

To michelle.

- ( Whimpers )

Is everything

All right, rene?

Oh yes, lieutenant,

Everything is under control.

I have to give all the money

Back to lieutenant gruber.

What are we going to do now?

We shall have to make it up

Out of the till.

What?

( Murmuring )

Nearly there, lieutenant.

We're just getting the rest

Out of the safe.

- Is there a problem?

- Rather an old combination.

Here we are, lieutenant--

One million francs

Exactly.

Thank you, rene.

Um, cover me, would you?

Thank you, rene.

I hope I haven't caused you

Too much trouble.

Not at all, no no.

That has just cost us

62,500 Francs-- can I trust

No one in this place?

Is it not lucky

I had that money

Down my stocking top?

Oh, rene, where would

You be without me?

#####

Africa.

- Mutti?

- Ernie?

Oh, mutti.

Ernie, my ernie.

Make the most of it,

For they are going to be

Shot in the morning.

Oh, mutti, I wanted you to be

So proud of me when I grew up.

I will be.

Now

For a shock.

( Gasps )

Oh!

Yes, it is i, helga.

Helga?!

I wonder if I want

To marry you after all.

If that is how you are going

To look,

I will have to take

A rain check.

We are trying to contact

Your uncle heiny to ask him

To use his influence

To get you released.

We have not a minute to lose.

I will contact

Uncle heiny myself.

But how?

You are in a cell.

This key is

For my secret dungeon.

Go there immediately

And you will find

In the cupboard

A special gestapo

Homing pigeon

Who answers

To the name boris.

Bring him to me here

And I will send a personal

Message

To uncle heiny.

He will recognize my

Handwriting and act at once.

How will I get

The pigeon in to you?

Smuggle him in at the bottom

Of a basket of fruit.

Boris is a trained bird,

Part of a crack gestapo unit.

He will not make any noise.

I will do as you say,

Herr flick.

But may I

Kiss you first?

Looking like that?

You must be joking.

Senior gestapo officers do not

Kiss geriatric old crones.

Junior ones

Are not so fussy.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have a massage

From michelle.

We need to moke

A more pifful bottery

To broadkist

Our prepagonda.

We need lid and asid

For the new bottery.

- How are you

Going to get those?

- Monsieur alfinse

Has the asid and we are

Going to stool the lid

From the roof

Of the perrish chooch.

Chooch?

He means church.

Monsieur alfinse and I

And your two wotresses

Will go into the chooch

Disgeesed as ball ringers.

Ball ringers?

I think he means

Bell ringers.

Let us hope he does.

Yvette and mimi will

Ring the ba*ls

While monsieur alfinse

And I stool the lid.

The noise of the ba*ls

Will disgeese

The sound of him bonging

With his hammer.

When the ba*ls bing,

He will bong.

Why are you

Telling us this?

We need you and madame edith

To be leekouts.

I am being a leekout

For no one.

But you mist, ronnie.

Or would you

And madame edith prefer

To be at the brodge,

Wetting under witter?

Oh no.

No, we would not

Like that.

I might get frogs

In my knickers.

- The shock could be fatal.

- Yes!

There could be dead frogs

From here to avignon.

What happens if someone comes

Along when we are lookouts?

Blee this special wassle

To warn us.

It makes a nose like an eel

In the moating season.

What?

A noise like an owl

In the mating season.

Lossen.

( Hooting )

( Dogs howling )

Well, back to

The drawing board.

General von klinkerhoffen.

- Heil hitler.

- Heil hitler.

Take these uniforms.

You must once again

Dress up as the fuhrer

And field marshal goering.

Oh, are we going to inspec

The troops again, general?

No, today is the day

The real doubles

Were due to leave the area

For berlin.

As they were blown up

And are currently under my bed

Wrapped in blankets,

This will not

Be easy for them.

You must take their places.

General, surely we don't have

To go all the way to berlin?

Of course not!

I will disguise myself

As your driver--

I can trust no one else.

Hitler and goering must be

Seen leaving the chateau

So we cannot be implicated

In this blunder!

We will drive to the other side

Of the bridge--

Which is outside

My jurisdiction--

And the bodies, which we will

Have placed in the boot

Of the car,

Will then be blown up.

This way, no blame

Can fall on us

For failing to protect

Our glorious leaders.

A particularly ingenious

Plan, general.

I know.

Report to the chateau

At 8:00 this evening.

In a way I am sorry

We are not going to berlin.

Just imagine it!

The whole city

Lining the streets,

Shouting and waving

At their

Beloved leader!

And then into the bunker

For a quick snog with eva.

You're right.

The danger does outweigh

The excitement.

This basket of fruit

Was delivered for you.

Excellent.

Helga has smuggled in

Boris the homing pigeon.

He will fly to uncle heiny

In berlin with my message.

There was a pigeon too.

We cooked it for you.

A tree appears to have

Fallen across the road.

We will have to move it.

- ( Car stops )

- I don't like it, general.

- It could be an ambush.

- Nonsense. There is

Nothing to worry about,

Apart from which,

I am a crack shot.

( g*nf*re )

Unfortunately I can see

Nothing to sh**t at--

So we'd better

Make a run for it.

Light the fuse

On the expl*sives, gruber.

We must destroy the bodies

In the boot at all costs.

Now let's

Get out of here!

( g*nf*re )

On your feet,

You n*zi swine,

Or I will sh**t you

Where you are.

My god, it is hitler

And goering in the flesh.

This is a glorious day

For the communist resistance

Fighters.

Actually, I think we

Ought to point out

- That we are not really--

- Silence!

If you had just been

Ordinary generals,

We would have

Shot you on the spot.

But you are too

Important to die

Yet.

Move it!

After you, hitler.

No, after you,

Goering!

( Girls scream )

Are you ready to stand leekout,

Madame edith?

- Ronnie?

- Yes, we are ready,

Officer crabtree.

Have you the teels,

Monsieur alfinse?

I have my hammer and chisel

For prying the lead off

The church roof.

Then we will climb up

To the balfry.

Follow moo.

I hope they get a move on.

We will die of the cold

Out here.

Let me

Give you a hug, rene.

That will keep us warm.

Aw, that is a very

Nice thought, edith.

But we are supposed

To be keeping watch.

I will just blow

On my hands instead.

- Good evening.

- Whoa!

- Good evening, father.

- Are you waiting

For confession?

Uh, no.

We have been visiting

The grave of my dead brother.

Very well.

Just a moment--

I recognize your voice.

You are mr. X, are you not?

You came to see me

In the confessional about

A secret marriage?

Well, uh, many people

Sound like me.

It is you! I have

A good ear for voices.

I have excellent news.

I saw the bishop this afternoon.

He has given me

Permission to marry you.

Is this the woman you love,

The brave resistance fighter?

Who else?

I understand you two are

To be known only as "x."

Well, I am his ex,

Since he is already

Officially dead.

Come inside, my brave ones,

And I will marry you now.

Oh no.

It really can wait.

Rene, you are

A devil.

You have fixed up for us

To be married in secret.

How wonderful.

I know I should have discussed

This with you first, edith.

- Let us talk about it--

- No, let us do it now.

After all this time,

With all the villagers thinking

That we are living together

Outside of marriage,

At last you are doing

The decent thing.

Do not turn your back

On the doorway of happiness.

Not forgetting funerals.

I think there has been

A slight misunderstanding.

( Laughs )

Oh, surely you were

Not thinking

Of marrying somebody else

In secret, were you?

What a thought!

Then let us

Seal the bond now.

- Well--

- It will not take long.

Come inside.

Oh, rene,

I am so happy.

What luck that

Happen to be here tonight.

Oh, come.

Does not god move

In mysterious ways?

He's not the only one.

I will give you a log up,

Monsieur alfinse.

I feel like the hinchbock

Of notre doom.

You can start ringing

The ba*ls now.

I will go first.

( Bell ringing )

Here, let me help you.

- ( Bell ringing )

- ( Screaming )

- Mimi!

- I am stuck.

Oh my god!

Why are you not

Ringing all the ba*ls?

Mimi is stuck.

We must get her doon.

Let go, mimi.

I will citch you.

No, if she lets go

Of the rope it will

Be stuck up there

And we will not be able

To ring all the bells.

I have a broon woove.

Hong on, I will pill you.

( Bell ringing )

Whoa!

Oh, my knickers

Are falling down.

This is a special

Short ceremony

For use in wartime.

The bishop has agreed

That we can dispense

With the neutral witnesses

And that your names

Can be kept secret

Because of your work

For the resistance.

- Are you ready?

- Oh yes, father.

I suppose so.

Do you, miss x,

Take this, mr. X,

To be your lawful

Wedded husband,

Through danger

And adversity,

Through poverty

And pillage,

Through the risks

Of fighting alone

And unknown

Until certain death

Do you part?

Say "I do."

I'd forgotten

How brave I was.

I do.

Do you, mr. X

Say "I do."

Rene, what has happened?

Quick, say I do

So we are married.

It is too late, edith.

It would not be legal.

He is supposed to hear

The I do's.

We can't go against

The divine laws of the church.

He is out for the count.

Should I try

The kiss of life?

He's a priest.

He's not allowed.

You know,

You were right, edith.

God does move

In mysterious ways.

( Mouths )

( Theme music playing )