08x07 - A Fishful of Francs

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

You find me running

The cafe on my own,

Because all hell

Has broken loose

Here in nouvion.

Excuse me.

Hiding upstairs

In my bedroom are

None other

Than hitler

And goering themselves.

Having escaped

From the clutches

Of the communist resistance,

They came here

To seek shelter.

Actually, it is not

The real hitler and goering,

But lieutenant gruber

And the colonel in disguise.

But the communists

Do not know this

And they're still

Searching for them.

I shudder every time

That doorbell pings.

( Doorbell rings )

This whole business

Is very bad for the nerves,

But good for

The waistline.

- Rene!

- Yes, what?

- I must speak

To you at once.

- What is it, edith?

Is the coast clear for

The colonel and the lieutenant

Gruber to come downstairs?

Are you mad?

I cannot have hitler

And goering walking

Through my cafe

In front of all

These customers.

They are changing

Out of their uniforms.

I will find some

Old clothes for them

So they can

Disguise themselves

And leave without

Being recognized.

Well, best be quick

About it, edith.

If the communists come

Back in here and find that

We have been helping germans,

We will all need

The last rites.

Rene, rene,

The communists

Are outside.

Send for a priest.

They are searching

The square with their

Sniffer dogs

And they are

Sniffing this way.

Oh my god.

I am doomed.

We must get the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Into their disguises

As soon as possible.

Come upstairs

And help me, mimi.

I will contain

The communists down here

If they come in.

Oh, rene,

How brave you are.

I was only going to offer

Them free drinks.

Rene, I must

See you urgently.

Oh.

What is it, yvette?

Oh, rene, hold me.

Rene, I am so worried.

The communists

Are bound to find out

You hid the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

From them.

They will sh**t you.

And then what will become

Of me and our child

Who is getting

Bigger every day?

Calm yourself, yvette.

You are getting bigger

Because you eat too much.

The colonel and lieutenant

Will be smuggled away

Before the communists

Even set foot in my cafe.

Oh, rene.

Louise!

Rene, what are

You doing with tha

Girl in your arms?

Have you betrayed me

With your lips?

Never, louise.

No no.

I am just removing

Crumbs from my mustache.

And comforting

This child who is

Like a daughter to me.

Are you not, yvette?

Every time

I look at him,

The word daddy

Springs to mind.

She is under

A great strain

Because she is

With child

And the father

Is unknown.

What kind of a man

Would abandon a girl

Like this?

He deserves

To be hunted down

And torn apart

Limb from limb.

Well, perhaps a stern

Ticking off at least.

Leave us now.

Rene and I have

Business to discuss

In private.

- Rene.

- Yes?

Once again,

Our sniffer dogs,

Hot on the trail

Of hitler and goering,

Have led us to

The back of your cafe.

Are you certain

You have not seen them?

No, I'm sure

I would have remembered.

No matter.

Our search has narrowed

It down to the square.

It's only a matter

Of time before our dogs

Will sniff them out

And we can sh**t them.

How ruthless

You are, louise.

Hold me, rene.

When we have recaptured

Hitler and goering

And ended the w*r

We shall have

A white wedding.

Well, I shall

Certainly be very pale

On that day.

Kiss me. Hold me.

Drive me mad.

That will not

Be a long journey.

( Moaning )

Rene, what are

You doing holding

That girl in your arms?

I will not

Stand for it!

You stupid woman

Can you not see

Who it is?

Oh, it is you, louise.

Can I offer you

Some tea?

I'm too busy

Hunting down hitler

And goering

To exchange

Bourgeois chitchat.

Goodbye, rene.

I will return soon.

I hunger for you.

What is it about me

That all these women

Find so irresistible?

Could it be

The underarm deodorant

I bought you

Last christmas?

I never used it.

Perhaps therein

Lies a clue.

We have given the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Some old clothes.

Well, I hope they are

Good disguises.

There could be spies

Of the communist resistance

In here.

Oh, do not worry, rene.

They will suspect

Not a thing.

Oh my god.

Whose clothes

Did you use?

Mama's.

They were all

We could find.

Quickly, ladies,

Come and sit down please.

We are not

Staying, rene.

The communist resistance

Are in the square

Looking for hitler

And goering.

They will not recognize us

In these clothes.

No, but they have

Vicious sniffer dogs

Which have your scent.

You step out there

And the dogs will

Run to you.

The communists will

sh**t first and ask

Questions later.

Now sit down.

What are we going

To do, rene?

You will have

To stay here until

The communists go away.

Try not to draw

Attention to yourselves.

Dressed like this,

It may not be easy.

We can't stay here

All the evening.

There must be

A way to get out.

There are two

German soldiers

At that table

Over there, colonel.

They could give us

An armed escort back

To our quarters.

The communists

Would not dare

To attack us then.

Good idea, gruber.

Try to attract

Their attention.

Hello, soldier.

A very ugly girl

Over there is trying

To pick me up,

Leopold.

It is lieutenant gruber

Of the tank corps.

I have heard

Things about him.

It looks as if

They are all true.

It doesn't seem

To be working, colonel.

I will go

And speak to him.

Don't look.

His horrible friend

Is coming over.

I need you

Two urgently.

Don't push your luck.

Apart from which,

You have rotten ankles.

I am colonel von strohm,

Garrison commander.

Name, rank

And number!

I'm sorry, colonel.

I didn't recognize you

In a dress.

Please.

Everybody is looking.

It is all right, rene.

We are getting an

Armed escort.

You will come with us

To our quarters.

Yes, my colonel.

You will make sure

That everything is safe.

Come along, gruber.

Bring the uniforms.

We are very grateful

For your help, rene.

We will not forget

This evening.

I do not think

Anyone will.

Will they be

All right, rene?

The colonel

Is walking very slowly.

It is not easy

In high heels, edith.

Lieutenant gruber seems

To be managing all right.

He would.

Rene?

What do you think

Of my new summer dress?

So that is what happened

To the curtains in

The spare room.

There is a w*r on.

We have to make use

Of whatever we can

Lay our hands on.

I am here, madame.

- And I am ready, monsieur.

- Ready

And willing I hope.

I have my small horse

With the small hearse

Containing the radio

Transmitter outside.

Whoo!

( Shrieks )

Michelle, I wish

You would stop creeping

Around the place like that.

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

The time is now right

To arrange a rendezvous

With lieutenant gruber

To collect

The 10 million francs ransom.

Why are you

Telling me this?

Well, you are close

To the lieutenant.

You will go

To him and give him

Our instructions.

Now take this sack.

What is inside it?

It is a freshly-caught

32-Lb dogfish.

See?

Michelle, I know

I am going to regret

Asking this question,

But what does

A freshly-caught 32-lb

Dogfish got to do with it?

It is all part

Of my plan

Which involves

The dogfish,

An underwater diver,

A fishing rod

And a four-foot eel.

Thank goodness.

For a moment

I thought it was going

To be complicated.

Rene artois--

Peasant!

Send him in.

Do come in.

Good morning, colonel,

Lieutenant, private.

What can we do for you?

It is about

The incriminating photograph

Of you, lieutenant,

Holding the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

The colonel and helga

Know all about that.

You may speak freely

In front of them.

Very well.

Some people

From the resistance,

Who I do not know,

Have asked me

To tell you

That if they do not receive

The 10 million francs ransom

For the incriminating

Photograph of the lieutenant

By 2:00 this afternoon,

They will post

The photograph to general

Von klinkerhoffen.

Rene, these people

You do not know,

Did they say how the money

Was to be exchanged

For the photograph?

Yes, lieutenant.

You are to stuff

The 10 million francs

Inside this freshly-

Caught 32-lb dogfish

And dangle it

In the river

At the place

That I will show you.

An underwater

Resistance diver

Will swap it

For a four-foot

Eel containing

The incriminating

Photograph.

That seems

Straightforward enough.

What do you think,

Colonel?

Stuff the fish.

I agree.

It's a rotten idea.

No, I mean put

This 10 million francs

Inside the fish.

One of his big eyes

Is staring at me.

You are popular,

Lieutenant.

Do I have to?

It's an order, gruber.

Stuff it.

- ( Dogfish barks )

- Ow!

It has bitten my finger.

Fresher than I thought.

Down boy, down.

Oh, monsieur alfonse,

Should we not

Be getting back

To your little hearse?

We still have

A lot of propaganda

To broadcast.

We must not

Broadcast too much

Or the germans

Will track us down.

Madame edith,

If only you knew

What happiness

It gives me

To be sitting here

With you on this

Fine summer's day.

You have chosen

The perfect spot--

The sun, the breeze.

And see how

Still the waters

Of the river are.

Just a few ripples.

I see them.

Oh yes indeed.

Perhaps later

I will open

My flies

I beg your pardon?

And get out

My tackle.

I may be old,

But it is in

Perfect working order.

One is rising now.

Oh, monsieur

Alfonse, please.

It was a trout.

( Chuckles )

I used to be

An excellent fisherman.

I have my rod

And my box of flies

On the hearse just in case.

Oh, that is a relief.

Good moaning.

Oh, it is you,

Officer crabtree.

What a surprise

To see you on the bonk.

A lovely doo for it.

Monsieur, we are

Having a picnic.

A pocknock?

Splondid.

Perhaps I could

Have a knobble.

Mmm, smooked simmon,

And what is the ween?

A 1938 chateau

Nerf-do-pip.

You really are

Trooting yourselves

To a slip

Of mole.

When a frenchman

Takes a beautiful woman

Out for a picnic

He wants to be

Alone with her.

Are you treeing

To tell me something?

Yes, I am telling you

To get knotted.

Well, there's no nude to

Be quite so reed about it.

I can take a hont.

I knee when

I am nit winted.

Good doo to you both.

At last

We are alone.

Oh, madame edith,

How beautiful you are.

Just to be here

With you

Makes my ticker

Thump like a drum.

Oh, monsieur alfonse,

I hope you are

Not going to take

Advantage of me.

I am a true

French gentleman.

I have nothing but

The greatest respect

For your honor.

Is anyone looking?

No.

Oh, monsieur alfonse!

( Coughing )

- Oh, a tug!

- I'm ready.

Colonel, I think

The dogfish has

Recovered.

It is pulling hard

On the line.

- Don't let it escape.

- ( Barks )

Oh dear,

The dogfish has

Bitten through the line.

Stop it.

Come back!

Gruber:

It has swum

Away, colonel.

You mean we have lost

10 Million francs

And not even

Got the photograph

In exchange?

You idiots.

I blame you for this.

Now, colonel,

Do not do anything hasty.

Rene, what can we do?

There is only

One thing, lieutenant:

Run for it.

Do you do much fishing,

Monsieur alfonse?

Oh yes,

Whenever I can.

There is nothing

I like better than

To be on a riverbank

On a fine summer's day

Dangling my rod

In the water.

I have fished all over.

I have caught

Salmon in scotland,

Tuna in portugal,

And once even a swordfish

Off the coast of sicily.

Oh, you are such

A man of the world.

Mm-hmm,

I've been around

And met many people

In my life as an undertaker.

Unfortunately,

Most of them were dead.

Tell me some more

To impress me.

I've got a big one.

It is a whopper.

Look.

Monsieur alfonse, i--

Oh my goodness, yes.

Alfonse:

It is a champion dogfish.

Look at the size of it.

It must weigh

At least 32 lbs.

Well done,

Monsieur alfonse.

We must sell it

To the fishmonger.

It could be worth

A lot of money.

Come on, we must

Pick up the picnic

Things immediately.

But, monsieur alfonse,

We are having such

A good time.

Oh, do not tell me

You are more interested

In fish than in me.

Oh, madame edith,

Don't be silly.

( Chuckles )

If it came to a choice

Between you and a dogfish

Worth maybe 2000 francs--

But of course

There is not competition.

Oh, you flatterer.

The dogfish wins

Every time.

What are helga

And I having for dinner?

I was lucky.

I found a freshly-caught

Champion dogfish

For sale

At the fishmonger's.

It will be delicious.

Why are you putting tulips

In with the dogfish?

I am cooking it

In a hollandaise sauce.

Hollandaise sauce

Is made with egg yolk

And butter,

Not tulips.

But the recipe just said

Hollandaise sauce.

It did not say

How to make it.

You are a nincompoop,

Von smallhausen.

Good evening, herr flick.

I hope I'm not too early

For dinner.

Not at all.

Sit.

You will serve up the fish,

Von smallhausen.

Oh, are we having fish?

Yummy.

That is not very

Elegantly served.

Well, we do not have

A plate big enough,

Herr flick.

We are doing our best

As you can see.

Madame.

Monsieur.

What an

Interesting-looking sauce.

It is hollandaise.

An unusual recipe known

Only to von smallhausen

And the inmates

Of the amsterdam nuthouse.

( Gagging )

Herr flick,

Are you all right?

There appears

To be some paper

Inside my dogfish.

It looks like

A 1,000-franc note.

The fish is stuffed

With them.

Oh my god.

It can't be.

Do you know something

About this, helga?

This afternoon

The colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Paid over a blackmail demand

Of 10 million francs

To the resistance.

It was concealed

Inside a large dogfish

Which swam away

Down the river with

The money still inside it.

By some remarkable

Coincidence,

It has ended up

On your table.

Already a plan

Is forming in my brain.

We have the money

Belonging to the colonel.

He has the painting

Of the fallen madonna

Which is worth much more

Than the 10 million francs

He needs for

The blackmailers.

We will offer

To trade the two

And end up quids in.

That is a masterly plan,

Herr flick.

Of course,

We will put it into

Operation tomorrow.

In the meantime,

Let us enjoy

Our fish.

What's the matter,

Herr flick?

You're not choking

On more money?

No.

I nearly choked

On a tulip.

I would have

Given you mouth-to-mouth

Resuscitation.

Ooh, I am choking.

I'm choking!

( Shrieking )

I have announced that

Hitler and goering will be

Leaving the town tonight.

The communist resistance

Will get to hear of it,

And make another attempt

To capture them.

We do not have

To dress up

As hitler

And goering again,

Do we, general?

I still have not

Recovered from our

Last experience.

Then we will use a couple

Of expendable peasants

Who fit the uniforms.

Where will you

Find them, general?

In the cafe

In the square.

We will put him

In a car filled

With expl*sives

And follow at some

Distance behind in your

Little tank, gruber.

When the communists

Surround the car

We will detonate

The expl*sives

And wipe them all out.

Come, let us get

The uniforms and go

To the cafe at once.

I'm not at all keen

On this idea, gruber.

The peasants are going

To be even less keen.

On the double.

Left right,

Left right,

Left right.

Three little maids

From school are we

Pert as a schoolgirl

Well can be

Filled to the brim

With girlish glee

- Three little maids

- Silence!

From school.

Unbelievable.

All you peasants

Line up across the cafe.

Jump to it.

I do not take orders

From germans,

Especially fat

Balding ones

With piggy eyes.

Who said that?

All:

She did.

I am very sorry, general.

It is my old

Mother-in-law.

She is a little bit

Gaga, you know.

Come along,

You silly old bat.

Line up.

You are going to ge

Us all shot.

Come on, fanny.

Now we are looking

For two peasants

To dress as hitler

And goering

And act as decoys

To help us defeat

The communist resistance.

Any volunteers?

That doesn't surprise me.

Colonel gruber,

Hold the uniforms

Up to the peasants.

Whoever most closely

Fits the uniform acts

As the decoys.

I would not

Be seen dead in

A german uniform.

I spit on you all!

Fanny, control yourself.

Silence in the line.

Well, gruber?

I'm afraid no one appears

To match the goering

Uniform, general.

What a pity.

We will have to abandon

The whole plan.

What about

That fellow there?

What, me?

Oh no, he looks nothing

Like field marshal goering.

Nonsense.

He's just the right shape.

But he has a mustache.

Well, it will be dark.

The communists will not

Notice a small detail like

That at such a distance.

Step forward,

Peasant.

You will be goering.

What about the hitler

Uniform, colonel?

There's no obvious

Candidate, general.

Let me see.

You're right.

The men are no good.

What about this one?

- It's a woman, general.

- I can see that.

She's the right

Height and build.

Mm, excellent.

She will do nicely.

Now we need a peasant

To act as driver.

All non-driving peasants

Step backwards.

What did he say?

He said you are

The driver.

- I must protest--

- Silence!

One more word

And I'll have you shot.

Now take them into

Another room and get them

Into their uniforms.

We must help

Save them, mimi.

We must stop

The communists

Attacking the car.

We will find michelle.

She will know what to do.

I am dreadfully

Sorry, rene.

This whole business

Distresses me greatly.

I am not over

The moon about it

Myself, lieutenant.

Who is threeing stoons

At my wandow

In the muddle

Of the knit?

Officer crabtree,

It is us.

Do you know where

We can find michelle?

It is urgent.

I am here.

Officer crabtree

And I were just

Discussing

Some very important

Resistance business.

The germans

Are dressing up

Madame edith and rene

As hitler and goering

To act as decoys.

The communists

Will attack them

And perhaps

They will be k*lled.

We must find

The communists

And stop them.

I know where

You can find them.

We will pit

On some cloos

And be rot doon.

There is no

Team to leese.

Not so fast,

Monsieur leclerc.

It is against the law.

We could be shot

To pieces at any moment

By the communist resistance,

And all you can worry about

Is the speed limit.

( Dog barking )

What do you want?

We are seery to distoob you

At this tome of nit.

We have come

To warn you not to attack

Hitler and goering

When they leave

The town tonight.

They are not the real

Hitler and goering,

But rene

And madame edith.

They have been forced

To dress up as the germans

To lay a trap

To catch you.

We are attacking

No one tonight.

We're in the middle

Of an important committee

Meeting.

What is it?

Oh, it's nothing.

I've dealt with it.

Come back inside then.

We have reached item six

On the agenda.

( Both chuckle )

If only our committee

Meetings were like that.

I am ready to detonate

The expl*sives

As soon as the communists

Attack the car.

Isn't this fun?

Yes, general.

Just my idea

Of a night out.

Any sign of the resistance

Yet, gruber?

No, general.

The car is nearly

At the bridge over the river,

But no one has

Attacked it yet.

The car is crossing

The bridge.

It's out of your

Jurisdiction now,

General.

The other side

Of the river

Is general von karzibrot's

Territory.

The communists

Must have got wind

Of your plan

- And stayed away.

- Damn.

I was quite looking forward

To blowing them all

Into smithereens.

( Engine stops )

( Engine sputters )

Who forgot to put

Some petrol in?

Oh dear.

The communist resistance

Have not attacked, rene.

Surely the gods

Must be smiling

On us tonight.

There are some

German soldiers

On the road ahead.

Thank god.

They must be some

Of the general's men

Come to get

Us out of these

Wretched uniforms.

This will be

The fuhrer now.

Stop the car.

General von karzibrot,

Officer commanding the

Abbeville garrison.

We heard that

You were leaving

For berlin tonight.

However, we, a group

Of generals, have decided

It is better

If you do not get there.

You have made

A complete mess

Of this w*r

And now you have

To pay the price.

Take the fuhrer into

The field and sh**t him.

- What?

- Rene, say something.

Save me.

You cannot do this.

That is my wife.

Hitler is married

To goering?

We are not sh**ting them

A moment too soon.

Take him into the field

And sh**t him.

Help, save me!

Do something.

( Theme music playing )