08x08 - A Swan Song

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

Eh, you may wonder

What I am doing

In a field

In the middle of the night

Dressed as

Air marshal goering.

There is,

As usual, a very

Simple explanation.

Edith and I are

To dress as hitler

And goering

On the orders

Of general von klinkerhoffen

To act as decoys

To help him

Catch the local

Communist resistance.

Unfortunately,

His plan went wrong

And we are now

In the hands of general

Von karzibrot

Who runs

The neighboring garrison

And who is, it turns out,

One of the, uh--

One of the rebel

Generals who is plotting

To assassinate hitler.

Due to the bad light,

He thinks that we are

The real hitler and goering

And has just taken edith

Over there to be shot.

All I can do now is pray

That if she has

One last wish,

It is that her old friend

Hermann goering

Does not have

To suffer the same fate.

I will not stand by

And see germany

Destroyed by you

And your insane w*r!

For the good

Of the fatherland,

You must be shot.

You are making

A big mistake, general.

My name is edith!

Very well,

I have no time to argue.

I, general

Van karzibrot,

Hereby sentence you,

Edith, to be shot!

Firing squad,

Take aim!

( Leaves rustling )

Hitler, come back!

Fire!

The british!

Retreat! Retreat!

Well done, chaps.

Churchill will give us

All medals for this.

Rene, what is

Happening?

They are british

Soldiers, I think.

- Oh, thank goodness.

- Yeah.

We are saved.

I am captain frobisher

Of five commando and you

Are my prisoners.

We have waited

A long time for this moment,

You n*zi swine.

What is

He saying, rene?

How should I know?

I do not speak a word

Of their language.

I'm going to enjoy

Seeing you put on trial

And then shot,

You monsters.

Oh, thank you,

How nice.

They obviously realize

We are important, rene.

- These uniforms

Have saved our lives.

- Mm

I am not so sure, edith.

I never thought

We would pull it off, sir--

Snatching these two like that.

Our intelligence

Was spot-on.

A damn fine show,

Went like clockwork.

Just in time too--

They were about to sh**t

The blighters.

Rum-looking pair,

Aren't they?

Hitler is even uglier

In the flesh than he is

In the propaganda films.

Man: goering has

Grown a mustache, I see.

Frobisher:

Doesn't improve him.

Even a beard

Couldn't cover up

An ugly mug like that.

Rene, what are

We going to do?

We have got to let

Them know we are not

Really hitler and goering.

How? I cannot speak

Any of the language.

Perhaps one of them

Speaks french.

I will try.

Excuse me, we are

Not really hitler

And goering, you know?

What is he talking

About, pilkers?

Do you

Understand german?

It sounded more

Like french, sir.

I speak a few words.

( Clears throat )

Say what did you?

Rene, one of them

Speaks french.

Sort of.

I am just a simple

Peasant woman.

Hitler says

He's a woman, sir!

The rumors abou

The operation

Were true.

And this is

My husband.

Good lord,

He's married

To goering!

Then no wonder

They're losing the w*r.

Better untie

Those hands.

Oh, they did not seem

To understand, rene.

I will prove to you

I am a woman.

She's going to prove

She's a woman!

Men, look

The other way!

See, it is

A false mustache.

No--

( Mumbles )

We are just peasants

Who run the local cafe

In the nearby town.

Actually, sir,

He does look a bit

Like a woman.

The other one

Doesn't look

That much like goering.

I think there's been

An almighty --, pilkers.

We haven't snatched

Hitler and goering

After all.

I wonder what

They are saying now.

I've picked up

When the british airmen

Were with us..

I think they are going

To give us a lift back

Down the road.

- Oh, thank you,

Thank you.

- Right.

( Edith screams )

So much for

Your few words

- Are you hurt?

- No.

Fortunately, I landed

On top of you.

We'll have to walk

Back to nouvion now.

Dressed like this?!

Are you mad?

Some peasant could

Take a potshot at us.

What we need is

Different clothes.

- I have an idea,

Rene.

- Hmm?

- Follow me.

- What?

( Grunts softly )

Throw that

Old drunk out.

It is i, leclerc.

Something terrible

Has happened.

- Where are rene

And madame edith?

- Give me a drink.

They were taken

Prisoner by the general

In the next district

Who thought they were

The real hitler and goering.

He's a rebel

Who wants hitler

Overthrown.

He sent me away in the car

While he took rene

And madame edith

Into a field

To be shot.

- ( All gasp )

- Oh my god,

- They are probably

Both dead by now!

- Oh-hh.

I'd better

Say a prayer.

Oh, lord, watch over

My daughter edith

Who has so tragically

Been taken from me.

All: amen.

And if you are

Still listening

Down there,

Keep an eye on that

Rotten husband of hers.

Now I wonder

If they have left a will.

Madame fanny,

How could you even think

Of such a thing

At a time like this?

Although madame edith

Did always say I could

Have the silver cutlery

And a choice

Of her wardrobe.

And the jewelry

Was promised to me.

You will have nothing.

I am her sole relative

And the cafe is mine

In any case.

It is all mine!

- Ours.

- No!

( Groans )

You get the money

Out of the till.

We will leave

For paris tonight

- And have

A final fling.

- Yeah.

Then throw

These old useless bodies

Into the seine!

Could you not

Just throw yours in?

Apart from which,

The last train to paris

Has already left.

Oh, where is

Your get-up-and-go?!

It has gotten up

And gone.

We can use

The old ice-cream van

From round the back.

Mmm, there's

No petrol in it.

Well, we will use

Alcohol.

You girls-- you go

Down to the cellar

And bring up five cases

Of methylated spirit.

That's a lot of meth

Just to get you to paris.

Whatever is left over

We can drink.

Was it not a good idea

Of mine to take these clothes

Off the scarecrows, rene?

It's very uncomfortable.

This straw gets

Everywhere.

( Groaning )

What is it, rene?

There is a field mouse

Down my trousers.

- ( Mouse squeaks )

- ( Groaning )

- ( Car approaching )

- Look, rene,

Something is coming

Down the road.

Maybe we can persuade them

To give us a lift

Back into town.

That was my old

Ice-cream van.

With mama

And monsieur leclerc.

What are they doing?

They will never sell

Any ice cream

Going at that speed.

Now that rene

And madame edith

Are gone,

We will have to run

The cafe ourselves.

I will look

After the bar while

You serve the customers.

( Gasps )

Who are you

To give me orders?

I will look

After the bar, not you.

Why don't we step

Outside and settle

This woman to woman?

That's fine by me.

- ( Doorbell rings )

- Saved by the bell.

Good moaning.

We have hid

The bod nose about

Ronnie and madame edith.

It is a terrible tragedy.

- Pour me a drink.

- I'll have a double

Brandy.

My dicky ticker is

Almost broken.

Ah. Dear madame edith--

She was a fine woman,

The best.

Now I will bury them both

At a very reasonable rate.

Now they are gone,

I am taking over

This bar.

We will run it

For the benefit

Of france,

My brave girls

And me.

But we will start

With me.

Where is the money?

Madame fanny and

Monsieur leclerc took it.

They have gone to paris.

- For a final fling.

- Oh, never mind.

We will soon

Fill it up again.

Officer crabtree,

You will take over

The bar.

Splondid!

I have always wanted

To wick behind the boar,

Pilling punts and chitting

To the kistomers.

Yes, but first we must

Increase the takings.

How much is

A bottle of wine?

200 Francs.

Then we'll double it

Immediately to 400.

But nobody

Will pay 400 francs

For a bottle of wine.

Especially the plonk

They serve here.

We will see

About that.

( Clears throat )

This cafe is

Now being run by us.

Hands up here

Anyone who wants a bottle

Of wine at 400 francs?

This never fails.

Oh, look,

There's a parcel, gruber.

Ah. And a letter

Marked "private

And confidential".

It's for you.

I wonder

Who it's from.

It is from juan garcia.

Our disguises

Are in this box.

He'll meet us

At the crossroads

At 10:00 tomorrow night.

So much for private

And confidential.

Good evening, colonel.

Lieutenant gruber.

We have just learned

That juan garcia is coming

Here tomorrow night.

We will need

The missing booby

You cut from the painting

Of the fallen madonna

So we can sell it

In spain.

There is

An easier way.

I've just had dinner

With herr flick

Of the gestapo.

How could you, helga?

He's such a horrible

Slimy little worm.

We've had

A large dogfish

With a very

Interesting stuffing.

My god, helga, you don't

Mean the dogfish

Containing our

10 Million francs?

The very same-- bought

At the fishmonger's.

Herr flick is willing

To do a swap.

He will give us

The 10 million francs

If we give him the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

Never!

The painting is worthy

Much more than that.

Colonel, I think helga

Might have a point.

We would be

Much better off

With the cash.

Mmm

Oh, very well.

Helga, tell herr flick

We will see him

Tomorrow night

In the cafe rene

In the backroom

At 9:30.

We will do the exchange

And then we'll go straight

To the crossroads

To meet juan garcia.

As you wish, colonel.

Where is

The missing booby?

I carry it

With me always.

I will produce it

For you.

How do I know

I can trust you,

Colonel?

Helga, I'm an officer

Of the german army.

That is what I mean.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Your attention, please.

It is cabaret time

At cafe rene.

I give you

The singing

Policeman and michelle

Of the resistance.

Oh!

Forget I said that.

I will now tickle

The ivories.

( Clears throat )

Listen very carefully,

We shall sing this

Only once.

Shine on

Shine on,

Harvest moon ♪

Up in the skoo

We ain't had

No loving

Since january,

February, june ♪

And juloo

Snow time ain't

No time to stay

Outside and spoon

So shine on

Shine on,

Harvest moon

For me

And my ghoul.

Rene!

Madame edith!

Can it be true?

You are alive!

Well, as we are here,

It appears that

Is so, yes.

- What a relief.

- We thought you

Were dead.

Shot by a furring squid.

We escaped by the skin

Of our teeth.

Oh, who has written

"Under new management"

On this menu?

And what

Are you doing

Singing in our cafe?

That is my role.

You will drive away

All our customers singing

Off-key like that.

- I'm sure they are

Used to it.

- ( Gasps )

Apart from which,

We were merely continuing

Your business.

We did not thunk

You were coming bick.

So this is

What happens when I

Am away for a moment.

Get that apron off

And get out of here,

The lot of you.

We were only

Traying to help.

Don't get

Your knockers

In a twoss.

It is gone midnight,

You will lose me

My license.

Mimi, yvette,

Get everybody

Out of here-- now.

Quick.

Oh. Oh,

Madame edith,

I was grief stricken

With the thought

Of your death.

My dicky ticker soars

At the sight of you.

Oh, thank you,

Monsieur alfonse.

- I know how much

You care about me.

- Oh, yes.

And I had chosen

A beautiful coffin

For you as well.

Oh well, I will keep I

For another day, huh?

This is not much

For an evening's

Takings.

Madame fanny

And monsieur leclerc

Took the rest.

They have gone to paris

For a binge before they

Jump in the seine.

Oh my god,

So that is where my

Ice-cream van was going?

It is typical of mama.

She never wanted to

Go out quietly.

She never

Did anything quietly.

Those takings should go

To the resistance.

We are desperately

Shirt of kish.

That is not my fault.

You are partly to blame

For the dogfish bungle

Which lost us the 10 million

Francs from the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

Then why not ask them

For more?

We have

Decided to show them

We mean business.

We have sent

The incriminating photograph

Which implicates them

In the theft

Of the fallen madonna

To general von klinkerhoffen

Who will no doubt

Have them shot.

In the meantime,

I shall take this

For singing tonight.

I never get paid

For singing.

Well, you should

Be paid for not singing.

- And I will

Have some too.

- What?

After all,

I played the piano.

What about moo?

Don't I get any woges?

Here.

If you nude a sagoon

I'm froo on mindays

And sotadays.

Get out!

Oh, there's

Grititude for you.

What a night.

I am exhausted!

Let us go up

To bed.

I am not that exhausted.

I understand the weather

In spain is--

Did you order

A window cleaner?

- No, why?

- A ladder has just

Come into view.

( Groans softly )

Rene!

Pardon me for

This unexpected

Appearance

On your balcony,

Lieutenant.

- Rene, what

A lovely surprise.

- ( Chuckles )

But I must tell you

That I am not alone

At the moment.

No no, no no no.

I want to speak

With both of you

- To give you a warning.

- What about?

Uh, the resistance people--

Who I do not know--

Have sent

The incriminating photographs

Of the lieutenant

- To general

Von klinkerhoffen.

- ( Gasps )

- What?!

- Mm-hmm. He will get it

Sometime this morning.

My god, what

Are we going to do?!

The general will come here

And arrest us for

Stealing the fallen

Madonna from him.

Rene, you will

Have to hide us

In your cafe.

Oh, no, colonel.

I'm sorry, that is

Out of the question.

Just till tonight, rene.

We have some business

With herr flick

In your backroom

And then we are

Heading for spain

With juan garcia

And his flamenco troupe.

I-i-- I cannot do it.

The resistance would

sh**t me

If I gave you shelter.

And I will sh**t you

If you don't.

I will see you later.

Bye.

We are to meet

With the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

In the backroom

Of the cafe rene

At 9:30 this evening,

Von smallhausen.

Yes, herr flick.

It is past my usual bedtime,

But I hope you

Will let me stay up

At least for this once.

There we will exchange

The 10 million francs

We found

Inside the dogfish

For the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

It will be a bargain

At that price,

Herr flick.

Especially as I do not

Intend to hand over

The whole 10 million.

What do you mean?

I have devised

A cunning plan.

We will show them

A small amount

Of real money,

But most of the cash

Will be paper

Cut up to look

Like 1000-franc notes.

That is a masterly plan,

Herr flick!

Aren't they always?

Now,

I have here on the desk

A number of magazines.

You will cut them up

With a knife

To the exact size

Of this note

I have pasted

To this block of wood.

- I will do it at once,

Herr flick.

- Stop!

First, I must

Give you a warning.

These magazines

Are old copies

Of the hitler youth

Unadorned

Aryan maiden quarterly.

You are forbidden

To look at them.

I mean, how will I

Cut them up?!

You will wear

This paper bag

On your head

And do it by touch.

There.

You may begin.

And no wiggly edges.

We are not

Making doilies.

How long do we have

To hide, gruber?

I'm getting cramped

In here.

Patience, colonel,

It's only a few hours more.

It's all right for you,

You're in bed.

It's so ignominious

For a man of my rank

To be hiding

Under a chamber pot.

And where's the food

That madame edith

Promised us?

I will try to attract

Someone's attention,

Colonel.

( Whimpers )

Edith!

Edith!

Will no one here

Who hears the cries

Of a poor old woman?

( Taps on floor )

Edith! Edith!

Coming, mama.

Oh, I mean,

Lieutenant.

I have bought

You both some soup.

How am I expected

To drink soup

In this cabinet?!

Ah. I have

Come prepared.

Now you suck

Through this,

But don't suck

Too hard

Or you will get

Indigestion.

Madame edith, general

Von klinkerhoffen is here.

He's searching

The cafe for the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

In fact I hear his foots

On the stairs now.

Oh my god!

Do not give us away!

Oh, you are safe,

Lieutenant.

The general does not

Know mama very well,

And if you act like her,

He will be fooled

By your disguise.

( Hiccupping )

The soup has gone

Down the wrong way.

Quickly, colonel,

Get back under

The chamber pot.

General

Von klinkerhoffen.

I assure you, general,

There is only my old

Mother-in-law up here.

I intend to search every

Building in the town

Until I find them.

I have information

They have stolen

A very valuable painting

From my quarters.

- Search under the bed

And in that cupboard.

- Yes, general.

That mother-in-law

Doesn't look very old to me.

Oh, she is very

Well-preserved

For her age.

She has remarkable teeth

And very few wrinkles.

It is the simple country

Life she has led--

Plenty of fruits

And vegetables.

Who did that?

My mother suffers

Terribly from indigestion.

It gives her hiccups.

Edith, who is the fat krau

With the piggy eyes?

- Mama!

- Get him out of here!

I spit on him

And all the germans!

Shut up,

You silly old bat!

I'm very sorry, general.

She is going a little

Bit gaga.

- Anything?

- No, general.

If the colonel

Or lieutenant gruber come

Anywhere near your cafe,

- Inform me at once!

- Of course, general.

Give the old lady

A glass of water.

Are you all right,

Lieutenant?

Oh, I think I've

Just aged a great

Number of years.

And the colonel?

Has he gone?

( Hiccups )

I've got the hiccups.

I can't get rid of them.

A sudden shock

Would do the trick.

Look out, the general

Is coming back!

It has done the trick.

I thought it would.

Ah. Good evening,

Herr flick, and welcome.

Good evening.

Where is rene?

I will get him for you.

Here, help yourself

To a drink.

The future looks

Very rosy for you

If you stay

With us, helga,

After tonight, we will

Have both the painting

Of the fallen madonna

And most of the 10

Million francs.

But you're giving the 10

Million francs to the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

They are mostly

Cut-up magazines,

Not real money.

How devious you are,

Herr flick.

I'm so glad

I'm on your side.

Ah. Good evening,

Herr flick, helga.

Good evening, peasant.

We are expected in

Your backroom.

Of course. The colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Are already there

In disguise, ready

For their escape.

Just wait one moment.

Oh, rene.

I am afraid this is

Goodbye forever.

Then let us say

Farewell.

Perhaps the french way.

What?

Don't they--

Don't they hug

And kiss on the cheek?

( Stammers )

Only when presenting medals

Or in a dire emergency.

Ah. Uh, one moment.

This way, please,

Herr flick, helga.

I will ensure

That you are not

Disturbed.

- Good evening.

- Let's get straight

To business.

Did you bring

The 10 million francs?

It is in this

Attache case.

Have you

Brought the painting

Of the falling madonna

With the big boobies

By van klomp?

I have it here.

Then let us complete

The transaction.

We want to see

The money first.

Von smallhausen,

Open the case.

- Seems in order.

- Now the painting.

We wrapped it

In newspaper

To protect it.

There is

One of the boobies.

No touching,

Von smallhausen.

I was just checking

Its authenticity,

Herr flick.

Helga, you know

More about boobies

Than anyone else.

Is that

The real thing?

Yes, herr flick,

That is definitely

A van klomp booby.

We wish to see more

Of the painting.

We wish to see more

Of the money.

We have seen enough

Of the painting.

We have seen enough

Of the money.

We will leave

By the window,

Gruber.

Goodbye, helga.

Perhaps we shall meet

When the w*r is over.

Goodbye, colonel,

Lieutenant.

Goodbye, helga.

And good riddance.

Pour us some wine,

Von smallhausen.

We will celebrate

The double-cross

Of the century.

Those idiots were

Completely fooled

By my cunning

Deception.

Herr flick, you are

So irresistibly attractive

When you're being

Underhand and dishonest.

- May I kiss you?

- Let us look at

The painting first.

There is no painting,

Just a booby!

We have been

Diddled!

Quick, after them!

Oh, rene, I do not know

What's happened to

Dr. Le comte.

He's very late.

And we need those

Extra ration books

Before we can elope.

Well, perhaps

You should wait

Until another night.

Oh, you're not trying

To get out of it,

Are you?

If you are, I will

Announce now that you're

The father of my child.

Oh, no no no,

We will elope.

I will meet you down here

At midnight

And we will get

The milk truck to paris.

Oh, thank goodness,

Here is the doctor now.

I am sorry I am late.

I had an emergency

To attend to.

Have you brought

My extra ration books?

Oh, I have some

Good news for you,

My dear.

You are not

With child after all.

- What?!

- It's been

A terrible mistake.

The frogs which we use

For the pregnancy test

Got mixed up.

They leapt into

Each other's jars.

I just discovered

The error.

It is not you

Who is with child,

It is madame linard,

The dressmaker.

I thought

You would be pleased.

It is probably

The shock, doctor.

Well, if she is

So upset, she could

Always try again.

- Perish the thought.

- ( Cries louder )

- Oh well. Good night.

- Good night, doctor.

- ( Sobbing )

- Oh, there there.

Imagine that--

Madame linard pregnant

And her husband

Died a year ago.

I wonder who

The father is.

Do not start

That again, edith.

Cheer up.

It is good news.

Oh, this has

Been hanging over us

For far too long.

And now it is over,

It is time to rejoice.

Yes, you can say

That again, edith.

Aha, yes.

Yvette has

Avoided the shame

And you and I are

Still in one piece

After last night.

Ha-ha-ha.

The german commandant

And the lieutenant

Have gone

And soon

The w*r will be over.

Suddenly,

Everything is perfect.

I will sing a song

To celebrate.

( Shrieks )

Perhaps not as perfect

As it could be.

Shine on

Shine on,

Harvest moon

Up in the sky

I ain't had

No loving

Since january,

February, june

- Or july

- ( Theme music playing )