09x02 - A Tour de France

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

You may wonder

What I am doing

In an underground bunker,

Sitting next

To a dead elk.

There is of course

A simple explanation for this.

I have been

Taken prisoner

By louise

Of the communist resistance

Who has announced that I am

To be her love sl*ve.

Naturally my quick

Thinking has saved the day.

For the past 24 hours

I have been excusing myself

With a headache.

I had contemplated

Taking her sleeping pills

To end it all,

But with my luck

I would probably

Just end up

With a real headache.

Hang on.

I can hear the rattle

Of her grenades.

Excuse me while

I have a relapse.

Oh, rene,

There is bad news.

You have found

Some aspirins?

No. Come with me.

There is

A party meeting.

Is it important?

They will not

Allow me to keep you

As my love sl*ve.

Aaaw,

And just when

My headache had gone.

Follow me.

And so I say

To you, comrades,

There will be

No privileged

Party members.

We are all for one

And one for all.

I second that.

Why should louise

Have this man to herself?

Hands up,

Those who agree.

His services

Should be shared

- Amongst all of us.

- What?

I suggest

We share him mornings,

Afternoons,

And have a lucky dip

To see who gets him at night.

May I put

A motion on the table?

I hope that is

The correct expression.

It is.

Carry on.

I do not wish

To be immodest.

But as a well known

Resistance hero,

Should I not be out all day

Blowing things up,

And resting peacefully

At night?

It is because you

Are a hero

That you must stay here.

When the w*r ends,

You will lead

Our party to victory.

I give you

Comrade artois,

And possibly

The new leader

Of the french

Communist party.

Comrade artois.

Comrade artois!

All:

Speech! Speech!

Thank you, comrades.

My first task

Will be

Getting a shorter

Working week,

Which I think

I should start now.

Overruled.

- What?

- Right.

Let's put all

Our names into the hat

And see who gets

His services first.

Pass it around.

I hope you are not

Expecting too much.

And don't forge

The lucky dip.

Keep calm,

You keen commie.

Now let us see.

For the rest

Of the morning,

- He belongs to nola.

- Good.

He can help with

The cooking and washing.

You will find me willing.

The afternoon,

He belongs to claudette.

Good, he can help

With the mending

And ironing.

You too will

Find me willing.

And now,

The winner

Of the lucky dip is--

Desiree.

And will I find

You willing?

You will find me

Hiding under the bed.

I think my headache

Has come back.

It is so sad,

Colonel.

Poor rene

Sacrificed himself

To save us.

He died a hero's death.

Don't be such

A ninny, gruber.

It wasn't our fault

He was blown to bits.

It was a german shell

That hit the windmill.

He should have

Run away faster.

What concerns me now

Is getting back

The painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the missing booby

From madame edith.

We must go

To the cafe at once.

That is very

Callous, colonel.

She's only been

A widow since yesterday.

Oh, all right.

We'll go

In half an hour.

Now pull yourself

Together,

And get helga

In here.

( Blows nose )

Could we have a word,

Please, helga?

( Sobs )

What do you

Want, colonel?

We left the painting

Of the fallen madonna

At cafe rene

For safekeeping.

You must help us recover

The missing booby

From herr flick.

Only if I get a cut

Of the proceeds.

You're in no position

To make demands, helga.

Then the booby

Will stay missing.

And I may even expose

That c*ck-and-bull story

You told the general

About being captured

By the resistance.

It was not

A c*ck-and-bull story.

No, it was almost

Entirely bull.

Gruber!

She knows we were

Really deserting, colonel.

We have no choice

But to cut her in.

Oh, very well.

But you are a devious,

Underhand,

Scheming

Blackmailer, helga.

You forget, colonel,

I am a woman.

General

Von klinkerhoffen!

Heil hitler.

Heil hitler.

After your incarceration

By those resistance people,

What we all need

Is a little relaxation

Around here.

You are both invited

To join me

For my sh**ting party

In the forest this afternoon.

We shall be delighted.

That'll be

An honor, general.

Will there be

Any wild boar?

Apart from you, no.

A few rabbits,

Perhaps a deer,

If we are lucky.

- Report to the chateau

After lunch.

- Yes, general.

And, uh--

About the peasant

Who was blown to bits

- At the windmill

During target practice--

- ( Sobs )

Go and see the widow.

Express our regrets.

Should we not

Apologize, general?

After all,

He did save us.

No need to go

Quite that far.

But perhaps

A small offer

Of compensation

Might not go amiss.

We don't want to answer

Any awkward questions

When we lose the w*r.

Do you not mean

If we lose the w*r?

No. I am rapidly

Losing confidence

In the german army.

But, general, you still have men

Like me and gruber behind you.

That's why

I'm losing confidence.

Heil hitler.

Have you done all

Your chores yet, comrade?

Well, the snake stew is

Coming along very nicely,

And I have almost finished

Boiling your underwear.

You have done well.

I will reward you

When I win the lucky dip.

The "well done"

Is enough for me,

If it is all

The same to you, comrade.

Oh my god.

What is it,

Comrade?

I have put your knickers

In the stew.

But you have

Ruined them.

I do not suppose

They have done much

For the stew either.

What is the matter

With you?

I am not used

To being underground

With a bunch

Of desperate women.

We are not used

To living underground

With such

An attractive man.

I cannot wait

For the lucky dip,

Hold me now.

No no, please.

Control yourself, comrade.

Control yourself.

Think of lenin.

Women loved him

As well.

He had crumpet all

Over the kremlin.

Please please, look--

Stop stop!

Your knickers

Are boiling over.

Oh, you can

Say that again.

I have just been

Sorting through some

Of rene's belongings.

Poor rene.

How I miss him.

I miss him also.

Oh, he is a great loss

To us all.

Take something of his

From this box

To remember him by.

He would have

Wanted it.

I shall have

His moustache stiffener.

It will

Remind me of him.

And I will have

This lucky rabbit's foot.

What a pity he

Was not wearing it

When he was blown up.

Madame edith,

I must speak

With you urgently.

What is it, michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

I have spoken

With the parish priest,

And he has agreed to hold

A special memorial service

For rene this evening.

Oh, thank you,

Michelle.

Everyone is

Being so kind.

Well, rene was a true

Hero of france.

A pain in the bum

Sometimes,

But still a hero.

Good moaning.

Good morning,

Officer crabtree,

Monsieur alphonse.

I have here

Some things of rene's.

Please take something.

How very kind.

I am moved.

Think you.

I will take these

Burcycle claps.

They will stop my troosers

Flipping in the wond.

And I will have

This bottle of hair pomade.

Oh, that smell

We remember so well.

No, he was more

Garlicy than that.

Anyway, he has not

Used much.

He did not have

Much hair to use it on.

Madame edith,

I will not beat

About the bush.

I want to press

My suit.

I will plug in

The iron.

No no, I mean

My proposal of marriage,

Now that you

Are a widow.

Oh, monsieur alphonse,

It is too soon.

Another day perhaps?

But now rene is still

Fresh in my memory.

He is frosh

In all our mammaries.

Perhaps we should

Put up something

That will remind

Us of him.

But what?

Nothing springs to mind.

What about a plaque

With a knife and fork

Mounted on

A bread roll?

He deserved more

Than that.

Two bread rolls.

What about a stitue?

That is

A good idea.

Monsieur alphonse,

Do you think you could

Make a statue of rene

For the square?

I would need

A photograph of him.

Have you forgotten already

What he looked like?

My short term memory

Is not too good.

Well, he was

Tall.

Yes, tall.

Thinning on top.

Yes.

And rather plimp

With a big bim.

Yes yes,

That was him.

Tall, balding and fat.

Whatever did you

See in him?

I am beginning

To wonder.

( Tires squealing )

It is the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

In his little tank.

They are getting out

And coming this way.

I will disappear

Up your back passage.

Yvette--

Girls, go upstairs

And get on with

The cleaning.

I will handle this.

And I must be

About my bossness.

Good moaning,

Colonel von stream,

Lieutenant greeber.

You little tonk

Is badly pocked.

Do not leave it

Too lung,

Or I shall

Put a tocket

On your tirrit.

Good morning,

Colonel,

Lieutenant gruber.

What can I do

For you?

We have come

For the painting

Of the fallen madonna

We left with rene.

I'm sorry, colonel,

I do not know

Where it is.

Rene hid it

Somewhere

Before he died.

Look around for it.

We must have it.

Of course, colonel.

And, madame edith,

We deeply regret

What happened to rene.

Perhaps we could

Offer you

Some small sum

By way of compensation?

Oh, lieutenant gruber,

No amount of money

Could possibly

Compensate me for the loss

Of a man like rene.

How much?

Monsieur alphonse, please.

We wish to help you,

Madame edith.

Well, perhaps there is

Something you could do.

Would you pay

For a statue of rene

To be erected

In the square?

What a splendid idea.

Depends how much

It would cost.

Here is a list

Of my charges.

That one is for a life-sized

Statue in marble,

That one is

For sandstone,

And that one

Is for concrete.

And that one is

For a waterproof

Cardboard cutout.

We'll pay for

The concrete one.

Come on, gruber.

Cheapskates.

I am so very sorry

About our loss.

Thank you.

Oh, madame edith,

You have me now.

And soon you will

Have him,

In two of sand

And one of cement.

You will have

To pedal faster

Than that, comrade,

Or our knickers

Will never dry.

I am doing

My best, claudette.

You may stop

For a moment.

Ah!

What is the matter?

I am saddle sore.

We are going out

Now on patrol.

Oh.

But I will be back,

In a short while.

Take your time.

Do not get ideas

About escaping--

As if I would.

--Because I am leaving

One of my comrades behind,

To keep an eye on you.

How thoughtful.

Desiree?

Until later,

Comrade.

Now get back

To your pedaling

Or our knickers

Will go moldy.

Ow!

Faster, peasant,

Faster.

My knickers are next.

I am not training

For the tour de france,

You know.

Be very careful

How you take off

The bandages,

Von smallhausen.

My new features

May still be

A little delicate.

Yes, herr flick.

Good morning,

Herr flick.

Ah, helga,

You are just in time

To witness

The removal

Of my bandages.

I can hardly wait.

Von smallhausen,

- Get the scissors.

- Yes, herr flick.

As soon as

The allies invade,

I will head

For argentina.

Will you be taking

Me with you?

Only if you

Help me recover

The painting

Of the fallen madonna

From the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

- But they do not have it.

- What?

They gave it

To rene artois,

The cafe owner

Who was blown up

At the old windmill.

Then we will get it

From his widow.

Surely she will never

Give it to you?

My brilliant mind

Is even now devising

A cunning plan

To persuade her.

But first,

Von smallhausen,

Cut the bandages.

Yes, herr flick.

I'm agog with expectation.

Hold the mirror.

Yes, herr flick.

( Ripping )

What a shock!

Is this really you,

Herr flick?

Even I am unsure

If it is really me.

I shall carry out

The ultimate test.

I will kiss you,

To see if I still

Shudder with ecstasy.

#############

Well?

I still shudder,

But the ecstasy

Is missing.

Then I need

A second opinion.

Not from you.

Is that dandelion tea

Ready yet?

It is almost coming,

Comrade.

( Jingling )

Ha ha.

Here it is.

Drink it all

Down in one go,

It will

Do you good.

Ah, I needed that.

You make fine

Dandelion tea.

It is a knack.

I have waited

A long time

For this moment,

Rene artois.

At last I have

You alone.

No, please please please,

You do not get me

Until after the sun

Goes down.

I don't care.

Comrade, I love you

Passionately.

- And I know you

Feel the same.

- You do?

I've seen the way you've

Been looking at me--

The hunger in your eyes.

I am not surprised,

I did not fancy

That stew.

Please, now control

Yourself.

Do not blot

Your party card.

Oh, I feel funny.

It must be

The air in here.

Come back.

Ah!

Fancy luring me

Into the bedroom,

You naughty boy.

I assure you it was--

It was not intentional.

And what do you

Suggest we do now?

How about a nap?

Later.

And now my hero

Of the resistance,

Hold me, kiss me,

Make me faint

With ecstasy.

Remember

Your part well,

Von smallhausen.

She is only

A simple peasant.

She will be completely

Fooled by our stories.

But remember, she will

Not recognize me.

Yes, herr flick.

Good morning,

Herr flick.

Herr von smallhausen.

Do you not notice

Anything different about me?

A new hat?

Prepare yourself

For a surprise.

Quite a big one.

I am prepared,

I hope.

I am not really

Otto flick of the gestapo.

I am, in fact,

A member of the british

Intelligence service.

My real name

Is basil de vere courtney.

And I am george

Marmaduke st. John

Fotherington smythe.

But you can

Call me buffy.

But the german

Accents?

Both born

In germany,

But we were

Turned at cambridge.

He was turned

A bit more than me.

Well, this is a surprise.

I have here

Some photographs,

To prove to you that

We are really british.

This is me playing

Polo with king george.

And here I am

On the center court

Of wimbledon in 1936.

But this is

The ladies' singles.

Even then

I was in disguise.

This is the 1937

Cambridge university

Rowing eight.

When you look closely,

You may recognize

Their cox.

Will i?

I was the cox.

He steers the boat.

Oh-- oh yes,

Of course.

Have we convinced you?

With such

Overwhelming evidence,

How could I doubt it?

Good.

Now I understand

You have the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

I have

The missing booby.

You must give me

The painting.

Then we will

Insert the booby

And send the whole thing

To england

So they can sell it

To raise money for

The w*r effort.

They're jolly hard up.

But I do not know

Where the painting is, basil.

Rene hid it somewhere.

Search the building

For it,

And bring it to me

At my headquarters.

I will do my best.

Your loyalty

To the cause

Will not be

Forgotten.

And when the w*r

Is over,

Perhaps we can get to know

Each other better.

I would like that.

I will take you

To england

And show you

My country seat.

That sounds interesting.

Oh, it is.

I've seen it.

Come, buffy,

We must get back

For some tiffin,

And a cup of cha.

Good day,

Madame edith.

What is cha,

Herr flick?

How quickly you

Forget, buffy.

Oh, sorry, basil.

What a von twit I am.

This looks like

A good spot.

Last one

To bag a rabbit

Buys all the drinks.

I am slightly worried.

Isn't this general

Von blinkhorn's estate?

He is renowned

For being ruthless

With poachers.

To hell with

Von blinkhorn,

We hunt

Where we like.

An elk!

In these woods!

Quite extraordinary.

Not a very big one.

My shot, I think.

Aah! Ooh!

I think you

Winged it, general.

I agree.

But that's the firs

Time I've seen one

Run off on two legs.

Rene:

Ah, ooh!

Did you just

Hear a shot?

Louise, look,

There are germans

Over there.

They will not leave

The wood alive.

Open up.

Von blinkhorn's

Gamekeepers are

Rather keen.

Quick,

Back to the car.

( g*ns firing )

There.

Oh, what a wonderful

Touching service

That was.

And what wonderful

Things the priest

Said about rene.

It is customary

To exaggerate

On these occasions.

Do not fear,

Madame edith.

Ronnie's mammary

Will live on,

Even though he has

Pissed away.

( Sobbing )

Oh, dry your eyes, girls.

It is over.

Come let us go

Into the back room.

I have prepared

Some sandwiches for us.

Splondid.

I could do

With a nobble.

Here, help yourselves.

For my part,

I could not

Eat a thing.

I am too upset.

Nor me.

My appetite

Has vanished also.

Oh well,

All the more for moo.

Do not worry,

Madame edith,

I will look after you.

No one

Will ever forget

A man such as

Rene artois

In a hurry.

Do you think

He is up there,

Monsieur alphonse,

Watching over us?

Who?

Rene of course.

Should we try and get

In touch with him?

It is a bit late

For that, is it not?

Well, mamma

Used to do it.

Perhaps she has

Passed the gift on to me.

Let us all sit round

The table and hold hands.

Mimi, light

The candles,

Yvette, put out

The light.

Are you sure you know

What you are doing?

Do not worry.

I will be in control.

I hope so.

It is dangerous

To enter the spirit world.

Oh, I must try and get

In touch with rene

One more time.

Perhaps he could tell us

Where he has hidden

The fallen madonna

Painting.

And I would not mind

A word with one or two

Clients of mine

Who did not

Leave enough money

To pay their bills.

Here, let us all

Hold hands.

Oh, it has suddenly

Gone very cold in here.

I can fool icy fongers

Down the bock of my nick.

It is very croopy.

Oh, I hope we're

Doing the right thing.

Is there anyone there

Who wishes to speak

With anyone here?

Two knocks for yes,

One knock for no.

( Rattling )

Oh oh!

I heard a rattle.

I think we are

Getting through to him.

- ( Rattling )

- I feel his presence.

He cannot

Be far away.

Oooh!

Be careful, madame edith.

I had a friend once

Who drew a pentacle

And summoned up

The devil accidentally--

In a deserted laundry.

That must have put

The woolies up him.

Rene, if you are here

Make your presence

Known.

He knocked.

Oh my gid.

( Knocks )

Oh, there is something

At the window.

Can it be him?

Back from the groove?

Suddenly my ticker

Is very dicky.

( Knocks )

I am not afraid,

For I am pure in heart

And looked after

By the angels.

( Screaming )

I think the angels

Are on strike.

Edith:

Oh my god,

It is the devil.

We have conjured up

The devil.

( Screaming )

The knob has come off

In my hand.

Help!

She is fighting

With the devil.

What does she say?

The knob has come off

In her hand.

He will

Not like that.

Rene!

All:

Rene?

You stupid woman.

Of course it is me,

Alive and well

After a week

Under the ground.

Well, what do you say?

How dare you

Come back to haunt me?

No no, edith.

I want you to look

At something for me.

Look, there.

Back! You fiend!

Begone!

Yvette:

Oh, rene!

Stop it!