09x03 - Dead Man Marching

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

You are probably wondering

What I am doing

Lying on a table

With my trousers down.

There is, as usual,

A simple explanation.

I was being held prisoner

In an underground bunker

By ladies of the communist

Resistance

Who were using me

As their love sl*ve.

I managed to escape,

But because

They had taken my clothes

I had to cover myself up

With an elkskin bedspread

In order to get back here.

Unfortunately, while I was

Running through the woods

A hunter mistook me

For a real elk--

Shot me up the bum.

I am now having

The pellets removed

And it is not

A pleasant experience.

Ow, that hurt!

We are sorry, rene.

We are trying to be

As gentle as possible.

There were

Dozens of pellets

To remove, I'm afraid.

Your backside

Looks like a colander.

You have missed

One there.

Face the front.

This is no concern

Of yours.

I was only

Trying to help.

- Oh.

- You too.

You are only here

To hold the towel.

Spoilsport.

There is just

One more, I think.

- Where?

- There.

I said face the front.

It is very deep.

I shall need

My special forceps.

Oh my god,

You are not going to take

My tonsils out as well,

Are you?

I hope you have

A steady hand,

Doctor.

So do i.

- Can I get up now?

- Of course.

Rene?

Ah, there you are.

I did not recognize you

From this side.

What is it, michelle?

I must speak

With you urgently.

You certainly

Pick your times.

We will help you

With your trousers, rene.

You will do nothing

Of the sort!

Go upstairs

And get ready.

- I will help rene.

- I can manage, thank you.

- Would you like

These as mementos?

- No, thank you.

I do not wish to be reminded

Of this moment ever again.

You won't be--

Not until you sit down.

Goodbye.

Good day to you.

What is it, michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

Now that the germans

Think you are dead

It is an ideal

Opportunity

For us to smuggle you

To england.

Are you mad?

Why would I want

To go to england?

Because the british

Need you

To help with

Their invasion plans.

Just think what a hero

You will be.

That is true.

There will be a statue of you

In every town in france.

Not only the one

We're erecting here.

A statue of me here?

The germans

Have already agreed.

But only because

They think you are dead.

If you announce

You are alive

There will be

No statue.

I will go to england.

It is my duty for france.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

Is everyone roody

For the procission

Of your personal

Positions, ronnie?

What is this idiot

On about?

Oh, I forgot

To tell you.

They are doing a parade

Of your beret and boots

Through the town

This morning.

And then they are

To be put on display

In the museum.

The last remoons

Of a broove min.

What an honor.

Oh, I must make

Myself scarce.

The plane will pick you up

Tomorrow night, rene.

Keep out of sight

Until then.

I will hide upstairs

With my bum in a bucket

Of ice cream.

Remind me never to order

A raspberry ripple again.

You cannot

Hide here, rene.

The germans may decide

To search the cafe,

Then all

Would be revealed.

He could hid

In the marzeum.

No one would

Leak in there.

That is a good idea.

You can join

The procession

And then hide

In the museum

When they put

Your remains

On display.

I could be be recognized

If I join the procession!

Then you must

Go in disguise.

Officer crabtree,

Take off your clothes.

I big your pidden?

Rene can wear your uniform

To get to the museum.

The thongs I dee

For ongland.

As you see, I am prude

To wear the union jock.

And a big one, too.

Ah, there you are, gruber.

We've been looking

All over for you.

Good morning, colonel.

Ow!

What are you doing?

The garrison mechanics

Have all been sent

To the coast

To overhaul

The frontline panzers

Before the british invade.

So I am servicing

Hubert junior myself.

Hubert junior?

My little tank.

That is his name.

I am just replacing

A piston.

We are supposed

To be attending

The ceremonial procession

For rene this morning.

Oh, I will be

Finished by then, colonel.

And we'll have to ask

Madame edith

If she's found the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

We've got to get it back.

I will be ready

In a moment.

I must just check

The pressure

In the cooling system.

I didn't know you knew

Anything about engines.

Oh, yes!

I studied tank maintenance

At officer training school

Years ago.

( Liquid spilling )

Although, perhaps, I could do

With a refresher course.

There, that should do it.

You will not trip over

Your trouser legs now.

Be keerful

Of my unifoam,

Ronnie.

I do not

Have a spear.

I hope this works.

If somebody recognizes me

In this outfit I am a dead man.

You are a dead man

Already, remember?

Well, I do not wish

To make a habit of it.

( Phone ringing )

Hello--

Mamma!

What?

Oh dear.

Yes, well,

Where are you?

Well, get a taxi.

We have to go out,

But I will leave a note

For you on the bar.

Bad nose?

Some good,

Some bad.

The good news is

Mamma is back

From paris.

She is at

The station now.

That is the good news?

And the bad nose?

She and monsieur leclerc

Have split up.

Apparently, he left her

For a younger woman.

How young?

A spring chicken of 75.

Mamma is heartbroken.

But she has been

Consoling herself

With a retired, one-legged

Gigolo from marseilles.

How awful to have to

Sink to such depths.

Mamma is bearing up

Very well.

I was thinking more

Of the gigolo.

The procession

Is about to begin.

Are you all ready?

Have I grown taller

Or have you grown shorter,

Officer crabtree?

It is me,

You old fool.

Ronnie is disgeezed

As moo.

You must try

And hide him

In the museum,

Monsieur alphonse,

Until he can

Get to england.

I have just the place.

Oh, rene,

Your bere

And boots.

People from all over france

Will flock to see them

On display.

I knew I should have had

These soles repaired.

Monsieur leclerc,

You are back!

I have hiked

All the way from paris.

I thought you had run off

With a younger woman?

I did,

But she had wheels

On her walking frame

And I could not

Keep up with her.

I know the feeling.

Is madame fanny back?

Even at this meement

She is on her woo.

Oh, I will keep out

Of her way for a bit.

You can play the drum

At the front of the procession.

I've left it outside.

Now come on,

We must go off.

Yvette!

By the way,

The post boy gave me

This note on the way in.

- It is for you.

- Oh.

The writing

Is very faint.

Oh, that is better.

It's an invitation

From herr flick.

He wants me to have tea

With him this afternoon.

What!

He is after the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

He came here while

You were missing.

He told me

He was really

A british agent.

You did not

Believe him, I hope?

Of course not.

Naturally,

I will not accept

His offer to tea.

On the contrary, edith,

You must.

- Why?

- String him along,

He may tell you

Where he has hidden

The missing booby.

- ( Rene laughs )

- You are right!

I will use all

My feminine wiles on him.

It is amazing how

The sight of stockings

And a glimpsed suspender

Can unnerve

The most strong men.

Do not use

All your wiles, edith.

You do not want

To give him a heart attack.

I am ready,

Madame edith.

Let us go,

My children.

Oh, I have forgot

The note for mamma.

Officer crabtree,

There is some hot soup

On the stove in the kitchen.

Would you be kind enough

To put some in a thermos

And take it upstairs

To the attic for mamma?

No priblem.

Leave it to moo.

( Drum thumping )

Get bick there.

Get bick.

Make woo for the procission.

( Drumming continues )

Rene:

Stand asood.

Stand asood.

Hm, that looks cimfy.

I think I'll loo down

And have farty wonks.

( Drumming )

Alphonse:

Ladies and gentlemen

Monsieur leclock,

You can stop bonging

The drim noo.

Ladies and gentlemen,

We have gathered here

To pay our last respects

To rene artois.

Or what is left of him.

This cap and these boots

Are all we have

To remember him by.

They will be displayed

In the museum

So that we never forget

What a true hero he was.

There will now be

A collection

To pay

For the display case.

Please give generously.

- Officer--

- Huh?

Perhaps you would go round

And collect the money?

What with?

Here, take this.

Nein!

Would you like

To contribote

To the colloction

For a broove min?

No chance. He was

No friend of mine.

A real shifty character

He was.

He owed me money, too.

How deer you speak bidly

Of the dood?

- He watered his wine.

- And shortchanged us.

( Spits )

Do not spot in the stroot,

Or you'll get

A bing on the nit

With my troncheon.

He still owes me

For his truss.

Be about your bosness,

You ill-minnered pisants.

Rennie artois

Should be remombered

As a min with

A winderful pissed.

We must contribute,

Colonel.

Rene was a dear friend.

Dearer to you

Than to me.

I think we should

Ask madame edith

If she's found

The painting yet.

Please, colonel,

This is not the time.

Cooey, officer,

Over here.

Oh my gid.

He has not seen us.

Let us go to him.

Here you are, officer.

Think you,

Lieutenant greeber.

I have very fond

Memories of rene.

May I touch his cap?

If you wash.

I knew he was a big man,

But I had no idea

He was a size eight.

He had such greasy hair.

Thank you for

Your ginerosity.

I must be on my woo.

You know, colonel,

I could swear

That policeman

Has got

Better looking.

That was a close shave.

I think my disguise

Fooled the lieutenant.

How much money

Did you collect?

50 Francs

And a bent

Polish zloty.

Skinflints.

Let us get

Out of here

Before somebody

Recognizes me.

Monsieur leclock,

You can start

Bonging again.

Double quack toom.

Ah,

It is good to be

Back at the cafe.

Now, where is edith's note?

Ah.

"Welcome home, mamma."

Oh.

"I have left you something

Up in your bedroom

To warm you up."

Such a kind,

Thoughtful daughter.

( Snoring )

Madame finny!

Oooh!

So this is what

Edith meant,

A gigolo!

Move over,

It is party time.

Not on your nelly.

Oh.

They do not make them

Like they used to.

I will take these back

To officer crabtree.

He must be chilly

In his underwear.

But what about

His trousers?

I am keeping these.

I am not waiting here

In my longjohns.

I will get you

Some more clothes

From my mortuary.

I'm sorry I am late,

My suspenders burst.

My stockings are held up

With corn plasters.

You are just in time

To say goodbye.

Well, goodbye,

Monsieur leclerc.

Goodbye, rene.

Good luck.

( Girls wailing )

Girls, please.

Do not upset yourselves.

Goodbye, yvette.

Goodbye, rene.

I will miss you.

Mimi.

I will think of you

While you are away.

( Clears throat )

Goodbye, edith.

Now, off you all go.

You still have

A cafe to run,

You know.

( Girls wailing )

- Goodbye, monsieur alphonse.

- Goodbye, monsieur.

We will give

Your beret and boots

A fine display here.

Where is this

Hiding place for me?

Ah, through that door.

You'll be quite

Safe there.

Oh, I must get a key

From the curator.

And do not forget

My new clothes.

Your new clothes,

Of course!

So much for a fine display.

( Shouting )

It will be good to pay

Our last respects to rene

In the privacy

Of the museum, colonel.

There were

Too many people

In the square.

This tank is jerking around

A lot, gruber!

Are you sure you fitted

The new piston properly?

It just needs

Running in,

Colonel.

We are off

For a nice spin

In the countryside

This afternoon,

Aren't we, hubert?

It's a tank, gruber,

Not a pet!

You must treat them

With affection, colonel.

A little tank like this

Needs coaxing.

It needs a good kick

Up the exhaust!

Now you've upset him,

Colonel.

Here are

Some more clothes.

What about

The cleaning woman?

Oh no.

She is deaf as a post

And shortsighted.

She will not bother us.

Try these trousers

For size.

( Distant voices )

I can hear

Somebody coming.

Oh, no.

Oh, my dicky ticker.

Who is it?

It is the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

Oh my god!

What are we going to do?

They must not

Find me here.

Monsieur,

You must hide.

Look. Come here,

Pretend you are a model.

- What!

- Mmm, like that.

Ah!

How do you do,

Officers?

We have come to pay

Our last respects

To rene.

Where are his boots

And beret?

They are not

On display yet.

Please come back

Next week.

Oh dear.

I was so looking forward

To spending some time

Alone with them.

What a fascinating place

This is.

What is this?

That is a replica

Of the town guillotine.

Ugh, how ghoulish.

And these waxworks?

They are all figures

Of people famous

In french history

Who had connections

With nouvion.

Who is this?

That is anthrax

The gaul.

A local chieftain.

And this,

If you walk this way,

Is louis xiv's

Sister's second cousin.

And this here

Is a local tart

Who had it off

With napoleon.

And who is this

Under the cloth?

Oh, no, please,

Don't touch,

Monsieur--

It is rene!

You have made

A waxwork of rene!

I thought he was

To have a statue.

I always make

A waxwork figure

As a guideline

To the statue.

Very realistic.

What a fine,

Handsome fellow

He was.

He seems positively

To glow with life.

That is because he is

Not quite set.

You're right,

The wax is still warm.

Please don't

Touch it, monsieur.

It is very delicate.

Perhaps tomorrow

He will be firmer.

Is it customary to model

A hero like rene

Without his trousers?

Ah!

I was just

Getting him

Dressed.

Oh, please let me

Help you.

No, no, no--

No need, monsieur.

( Scoffs )

That's funny.

I could have sworn

His hand was down

Near his chest.

( Chuckles )

No, monsieur,

You're quite mistaken,

A trick of the light.

Now please go.

The museum must close.

( Sneezes )

Bless you.

( Coins rattling )

Are you all right,

Monsieur?

I have just lost

All my loose change.

How unfortunate.

I could have lost

An awful lot more.

I presume massaging

My manly shoulders

Is driving you

Wild with excitement, helga.

No.

In that case

You will stop.

I am expecting madame edith

From the cafe at any moment.

You do not usually

Entertain peasants,

Herr flick.

She is going to reveal to us

The whereabouts

Of the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

Are you sure she will tell you

Where the painting is?

She will not be able

To prevent herself.

In this teapot

Is a powerful

New truth serum

Extracted from

The giant peruvian

Porcupine

At the height

Of the mating season.

It must make the porcupines

Very nervous

With gestapo agents

Crawling about in the grass

Waiting for the mating.

Not half as nervous

As it makes the agents.

( Knock on door )

It is her.

You must leave.

I will let her in

On my way out.

Heil peasant!

Good afternoon,

Herr flick.

Please sit down.

Would you like

A cup of tea, my dear?

Oh, thank you.

Mmm!

It's delicious.

Camomile?

No, peruvian porcupine.

In fact,

A potent truth serum.

Any moment now

You will go into a trance

And tell me everything

I wish to know.

Surely you are pulling--

You will take notes,

Von smallhausen.

Where is the painting

Of the fallen madonna?

I think it is in the drawer

In the back room.

Aha!

Although it could be

Inside the cuckoo clock,

Or upstairs under the bed,

Or in the wardrobe

In the spare room.

On the other hand,

It could be

Behind the henhouse,

In the pantry,

Behind the bar

Or hidden in the lid

Of the piano.

But I am only guessing.

The serum

Is not working.

It must have been

A very old porcupine

With a bad memory.

You will come out

Of your trance

And remember nothing

Of this conversation.

What conversation?

There may, however,

Be side effects.

The serum

Of the peruvian porcupine

Is not absolutely

Foolproof.

When will these

Side effects begin?

Any second

Now.

Fill me up again.

You are drinking

Rather a lot.

It is dutch courage.

I am about to go upstairs

To make it up with fanny.

Is this wise?

She was in a foul

Temper earlier.

I have to do it some time.

And she is

A very forgiving woman.

Fanny, darling,

I am coming upstairs now.

Fanny:

Get out, you two-timing rat.

- ( Pots rattling )

- You lecher--

On second thoughts,

Perhaps I will stay

Down for the time being.

Monsieur,

You must hurry,

Someone is coming.

Oh my god.

You must hide,

Monsieur.

No, I am not going to be

A waxwork dummy again.

Look, rest

Your head down here.

What?!

Pretend

You are a model.

I am not putting my head

Under the guillotine.

Look, it is just

A cheap replica.

It does not work.

Quickly.

Good moaning.

Oh, it is you,

Officer crabtree.

Where is ronnie?

I am here.

Oh my god, I though

You said it did not work?

So I made a mistake.

I want my troosers bick.

These are very ti

Around the critch.

Where on earth

Did you get them?

I borrowed them

From one of my stiffs.

Just swap them over.

All right.

By the woo,

I have a massage

From michelle.

And what is the massage?

The earcraft

For ongland

Is delood for a wick.

Oh, no, I am not

Waiting here a week.

I am going to go back

To the cafe.

But you cannot,

Ronnie.

You are suppissed

To be dod.

I am dod no longer.

How will you explain

Your absence

All this time,

Monsieur?

I will say

I lost my memory

After the expl*si*n

At the windmill.

I have been wandering around

The countryside ever since.

Here, you take these.

It will be more

Convincing

If I say that I lost my clothes

After the big bang.

I will turn myself in

To the first germans I see.

I have

A bitter plan.

Go to the jonktion

Outsod the toon,

And I will fond you

On my burcycle.

You are full

Of plans today.

My broon is going

Like the clippers.

I will meet you

At the jonktion

At half

Pissed socks.

My goodness!

Surely, it can't be!

Rene!

Rene, I do not believe it.

You are alive.

Do I know you?

It is i,

Lieutenant gruber.

What is the matter?

Do you not remember me?

I remember nothing

Except a big bang.

Oh, rene, I see

What has happened.

In that terrible expl*si*n

At the windmill,

You lost your memory.

Memory, that is right, yes.

I have lost my--

My-- what was that word?

Memory.

Memory.

Get into my little tank.

I will take you back

To my quarters,

Get you out

Of those filthy clothes,

And give you

A nice, hot, relaxing bath.

Suddenly I have

Recovered my memory.

What a miracle.

Thank you, lieutenant,

But if it is all

The same to you,

I will-- I will walk home.

Oh, no, rene.

- I remember the way.

- I will give you a lift.

Clarence, follow that man.

Now, lieutenant,

I really do remember

The way home.

No, no, rene,

Get into the back

Of the tank.

Please, no,

Please, lieutenant,

I know the way.

I have a lovely bottle

Of armagnac back

At my quarters.

Please, I beg you.

I beg you.